Thursday, June 11, 2009

Because Everyone Loves Hearing About Other People's Dreams

So the other night I have this dream. Scratch that. I have this nightmare. One in which I am pregnant and about a month shy of delivery. To a son. Do you have any idea how difficult it was to agree on a name for our last son? Honest to God, in an entire book dedicated to baby names we could agree on ONE. There weren't even any remote possibilities. Thank Haysus our last pregnancy was a girl because had it not been, that child would go around nameless for the rest of his life. Then, of course, we had to come up with a middle name and that didn't happen until 24 hours AFTER I'd given birth and the lady from the administration office came in the room and was all, so are you going to finish filling out this birth certificate or what? And I was all, or what - come back tomorrow don't mess with me the Vicodin is wearing off. As if the nine months leading up to the event just wasn't enough time and some kind of special magic was going to happen in a day.

Meanwhile back at the REM sleep... Pregnant. With a son. And pissed off. Even in sleep I was able to agrue points and deconstruct the situation. Didn't I have a tubal ligation? Didn't I have that tubal ligation so that I wouldn't find myself surprised by a pregnancy so close to forty years of age? Do you even realize how old I'll be at this child's high school graduation? His friends would be all, oh it's so nice that your grandmother could make it, and he'd be all, that's my mom speak into her good ear and also sometimes she forgets where she is - if she pulls down her pants and pees in a flower pot ignore this. I mean, isn't this why I didn't just get my tubes TIED or clamped, I got them CAUTERIZED! I was not even kidding around about this. I was as serious as a heart attack.

It was one of those dreams that was so real and vivid. The kind where emotions run high. And when I woke up, I gave Mr. Farklepants a vacectomy. With my eyebrow tweezers and stitched him up with Glide dental floss.

22 comments:

Draft Queen said...

My oldest wasn't named until the morning we were leaving. The kicker? My mother in law filled in the name SHE wanted while I was in the bathroom.

Dreaming about having another? I may not sleep again for a month.

abby said...

we're already looking into permanent sterilization -- one surprise 10 months post-partum is enough for us. I like your vasectomy method. sounds cheap.

The Mother said...

Oh, man, I've been there. About the middle of my last pregnancy.

And I actually know how to do a vasectomy.

Hubby hid the knives.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

It's posts like this that make me wonder why I tempt fate. 45 years old, my youngest is in high school and I definitely DON'T want any more kids.

Do you make house calls?

kcinnova said...

LOL

You just needed more boys! By the time we came up with a name for the 4th one, I was ready to name 2 more. (And with me 9 months pregnant and crabby as all-get-out, my 3 older sons asked, "When are we having a fifth boy?" I nearly bit their heads off.)

Vasectomy soon followed.

calicobebop said...

Don't feel bad - I couldn't decide on a middle name either. I eventually wound up giving her my middle name because it sounded good with her first name. Is that lame? Possibly...

mamaduck27 said...

I still have those dreams occasionally, too, even tho I was spayed about a year ago. Why do our subconscious brains torture us so? Maybe because my last (7th!) baby was a surprise that arrived when I was just shy of 42...

Our fourth son went for three days without a name. I was so sure I was having a girl that I didn't even have a list of boy names. When the midwife handed me this baby with outside plumbing, my first response was, "Who are you??? You're not Grace!" Hubs just about busted a gut at the hilarity of my incredulousness, and we ended up naming him Isaac, which means "laughter," because the joke was on me!

Abby@AppMtn said...

I write a baby name blog and we had no name for boy #2. Thankfully, boy #2 turned out to be girl #1.

But midway through pregnancy, I had a recurring nightmare that the ultrasound was wrong. I delivered, fell into a coma and my husband named our son Ethan Koolio.

Draft Queen, I can't *believe* your MiL did that! That's BEYOND bad karma.

BeautifulWreck said...

I also have those dreams. Had my tubes tied after number 5. She was conceived while using birth control, and I found out weeks before I was to have a hysterectomy.

Thank gooness she is cute.

Burgh Baby said...

See, now this is why I miss you posting more frequently.

Crystal said...

Maybe you were channeling a little bit of my blog, since I just found I was pregnant a couple weeks ago. :) I already have 4 girls, and for the last 2, I came up with their middle names first because we were using names of relatives. It was REALLY hard coming up with a first name for Girl #4...so if this baby is a girl, I think we will probably just name her Girl #5. For realz...okay, for pretends, but I would have no idea what to name her.

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

Absolutely hilarious. I'm also glad you included a vasectomy tutorial! I'll be putting that to good use.

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

OMG! This killed me. I laughed so hard the 3 year old peed himself!
We went with the family name for the middle and "my great-uncle/his grandfather/the 10 year old picked it" for the first name. At least everyone agreed!

Kristi said...

My last dream was about contact paper. CONTACT PAPER.

Manic Mommy said...

Wanna see me tempt the gods of fate? Two absolutely planned pregnancies that both occurred the first month we pulled the goalie. Never even a near miss. I am 40 years old and we're just "careful".

Note to self: buy more dental floss.

JoeinVegas said...

I wondered why the plants were looking so good.

Miss E said...

OMG I about spit Diet Pepsi across my computer. You are too funny with this post!

Saucy said...

I have the pregger dream from time to time... and I've had a hysterectomy so I've done you one better because all my junk went out and into the trash, where hell hath written it belonged.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Still snorting at that last sentence!

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g said...

Bwah!

I'm totally in the middle of menopause, but I tell you there was a month a while back where I thought - Oh, Shit!

ella said...

That will show him! How dare he impregnate you in your dream!
I hate how they make you name the kid before you leave. I mean, what are you going to do? NOT name it? Plueeze.