Monday, March 31, 2008

There are No Small Positions Only Short Players

The Los Angeles Dodgers celebrated their 50th anniversary of their move west by holding an exhibition game in the LA Coliseum, with over 100,000 in attendance. Luckily, I did not attend this game because the sheer volume of the crowd would make me want to provoke the nearest gang member, probably by saying something derogatory about his mother, in hopes that he would shoot me dead on the spot, just to escape the madness. Instead, the Farklepants family cheered on Boy-Child#2 and his Dodgers in their pre-season opener against their hometown rivals, the Angels. The Angels kicked our ass. We were spanked. Boy-Child#2 did well, despite striking out. Twice. And flubbing a play at third base. He handled all three scenarios with grace and dignity by embracing his inner poor sport. He inherits his borderline unhealthy competitive streak from Yours Truly. Post-game we pulled him aside and took the opportunity to discuss sportsmanship and learning from our mistakes. And sucking it up. And/or shaking it off. And not to beat the ground into submission with your $70 bat. And that there's no pouting in baseball softball.

The coach was moderately successful in keeping the boys in line and delivered inspirational pep talks. Until this guy showed up:


The umpire [who will be played by Bernie Mac with a smattering of James Earl Jones] whipped the rascals into submission because that was about all the lip he was gonna have. And? Because, DARTH VADAR. But way funnier. The boys are still working on their ability to grasp subtle humor that is delivered particularly dry served with a dash of Sahara. They weren't able to determine if BernieMacJamesEarlJones was serious or not, so they erred on the side of extreme caution. But dudes? Totally hilarious. YOU? Should have been there.

We return now to the world of Major League Baseball: The word of the evening was "Knuckleballer", which Vin Scully said approximately just shy of a million times. At first we were titillated at the prospect of a new drinking game. One shot for every knuckleballer. But quickly realized that one of us would probably end up in an alcohol induced coma and neither of us wants to be in the rather difficult position of pulling each other's life support plug. Vin Scully pontificated that DeWitt might be in over his head when it comes to batting major league pitches, and that he was batting a 208; which in my estimation means - well I'm not exactly sure what it means- but his tone suggested that it wasn't good.

The MLB Dodgers, not to be outdone by the local parks and rec's Dodgers, also took a sound beating. Because in the end, just like the local parks and rec's Angles, the MLB Red Sox just wanted it more.

23 comments:

stephanie said...

Now I want to put my kids in softball just on the off-chance that they get a BernieMacJamesEarlJones umpire! That sounds hilarious - I love when children can't decide if a grown-up is being funny...

The only thing I can enjoy about baseball season is finding a game on the radio and pretending I'm a lovely & organized 50s mom listening while she dusts. Good on you for kind of knowing what's up.

Melissa said...

I think I'm gonna love baseball season with you & Clemson Girl keeping good company with me this year:)

jennifer h said...

Love the captions. Boy is my Grace & Dignity child. Girl child is Poor Sport. She gets it from me. Though I like to think I've evolved and matured since I was a child. Which is not to say that I have.

katydidnot said...

did you just change the header? b/c that espresso/free puppy thing. love it! seriously. ok, now i can go back and read your post.

katydidnot said...

bernie mac. hahahaha. the baseball stuff i didn't understand. my experience with baseball is limited to this stupid flashplayer game in which you hit a ball with a bat by clicking your mouse. that's it, you click to hit. no running, no catching, no...um...whatever else is normally done in baseball.

Cheri said...

Wow! Now I totally have a favorite post on your blog, and I don't even watch baseball. Except that I want to go back through your archives still, and find others. Then I'm doing a post about YOU. You blog good. Real. Good.

Keep on keepin' on, k?

Madge said...

i love calmly and rationally explaining to my children why they should not behave in a manner that they clearly inherited from me.

Angie said...

Tootsie, Would you please come talk to my son about having some competitiveness. Unfortunately, I have none, but watching him always want to make sure everyone else has a turn first before he kicks the soccer ball or attempts to shoot a basket is getting really old.

KEEP BELIEVING

Joeprah said...

Just discovered your blog today and I added it to my reader, funny stuff. That umpire sounds like fun. I love the ending of this post, really clever. Peace.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

50 years already? So, I guess that means that they are not coming back?

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

If I were a drinker, I would be playing a drinking game with baseball this year. It would involve a shot every time the MLB Pirates do something even a little leaguer knows not to do. I'd be really drunk for several months, but at least that would dull the pain of baseball suckage in Pittsburgh.

Maybe if there were a fun umpire at the Pirates games, then it would be fun. Do you think BernieMacJamesEarlJones is available?

Groovy Mom said...

Love your description of the ump! A funny Darth Vadar. Too cool!

ALF said...

Your son and I could relate. I received my first ever yellow card playing soccer for just barreling over a girl because she made me angry.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

We may know a thing or two about competiteveness at my house.

Shania said...

At least Boy Child wasn't beating the other team into submission. Obviously, he's a model of restraint and should be commended.

Ashley Ladd said...

Hubby's a softball and baseball umpire - mainly softball. And #2 daughter plays fastpitch softball. Your post reminds me of them, especially where you cross out baseball and substitute softball. I can't count how many times I was corrected for saying baseball and they yelled at me "softball"!

sayvandalay said...

You are freaking HILARIOUS. I clicked over here from someone else's blog and I read YOUR ENTIRE BLOG last night. (Thanks for keeping me up late.) You are a very good writer - I was highly impressed. And I don't impress easily. You really do know how to tell a story!

JCK said...

Do you think I could borrow Mr. BernieMacJamesEarlJones umpire for some obedience training over here at casa Motherscribe?

You're teaching your boy hard lessons. Or BERNIEMACJAMESEARLJONES is...no matter. He's learning!

THE MOM BOMB said...

If someone threw a ball towards my kid he'd run in the opposite direction, screaming.

ekb said...

"provoke the nearest gang member, probably by saying something derogatory about his mother, in hopes that he would shoot me dead on the spot." Oh my gosh. I almost choked on my Cherry Coke. It almost came out my nose. No joke. Well, okay, yes, it's a joke. But still - funny.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

ekb~ sorry! I should have given you a beverage alert.

sayvandalay~ WOW!! Thanks!! And I'm impressed that you read the WHOLE thing! I'm very wordy. Thank you so much!

ashley ladd~ I just call it baseball and let them deal. Thanks for visiting! I hope you stick around!

joeprah~ Thank you! And welcome!

katydidnot~ Yep! Changed it a couple of weeks ago. I think.

Marlee said...

Think that umpire will travel? ;)

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Cheri~ You're awesome!