The Family that Parties Together Travels Back in Time Together

Tootsie and family attended a 1970's themed New Years Eve party to ring in 2010. With the movie Boogie Nights in mind, they hit the thrift store on Ventura Blvd to secure their vintage clothing. They left with two shirts and a dress. The dress is the only thing Tootsie had to purchase for herself. This means that Tootsie already had blue eyeshadow, gold strappy shoes with cork heels, a hair comb, a gold sequined purse, suntan pantyhose, and sundry costume jewelry at her disposal: which means that Tootsie either has some really cool treasures in her closet or some really tacky shit. Tootsie's oldest son looks like he fell right out of 1975 on a daily basis so not much effort was needed to achieve his look. Even Mr. Farklepants is wearing Tootsie's own belt. He IS wearing a wig but the douchestache and mutton chops are all his - which made it all the sweeter when it wasn't until AFTER he'd made a trip OUT IN PUBLIC to replace the flat tire on his car that he realized he still hadn't shaved. That, dear friends, is made of AWESOME.

Hair - Not the Love Rock Musical - and With Less Nudity

Or more accurately; stuff you put on yer hair. I have been a major supporter of Sleek.look smoothing shampoo and conditioner by Matrix for about two years running now.


As is Glamour Magazine, obviously.


It can be found ONLY IN SALONS. At least, that's what they tell you. I don't usually like to point out when one's pants are on fire, but it can also be found in select beauty supply stores. And Target. And Vons. But, ya know, whatevs. I do the beauty supply store route because you can get the economy size for the same price as the heroin chic version found in salons. And Target. And Vons. And it lasts just shy of forever. Especially if you turn it upside down and drain the everloving life out of it. Until you have to accept that it really is empty and has just become a trash item in your shower stall.

But what's a girl to do when she finds herself out of shampoo and doesn't want to drive the three miles to the mall to get more? [It's not really that I don't want to drive; it's more like I can't walk out of the mall with just that. I'm too tempted to pick up a pair of shoes or a bag or a pair of jeans to go with my hair care products. And with the credit and debit card still smarting from Christmas; I don't want to give Mr. Farklepants a stroke. Because I'm thoughtful like that.]

So I tried to find a suitable substitute in the grocery store. Even though it goes against everything I believe in when it comes to hair products. But I did it quick. Like pulling off a band aid. And I went with the Bed Head Moisture Maniac shampoo. Fruity scent aside, I'm really likin' this.


Particularly coupled with the Joico K-PAK conditioner.

And the "silky hair that does just what I want it to with very little effort to beat it into submission" factor allows me to overlook its fruity scent. [Note to manufacturers: Try soap scented. I don't like smelling like a summer melon, thanks.]

Mr. Farklepants is not crazy about the shampoo. In his words it "feels like he never washed his hair by the end of the day". But he doesn't use the conditioner in addition to it so I can't be held responsible for his lack of enthusiasm to get behind this product.

*Matrix photos courtesy of Google Images

Your Opinion Counts and Stuff

Tomorrow is, once again, that time to visit the hairdresser. Twelve years ago, just after Boy-Child#1 was born, I did that thing that many new mothers do...I got all of my hair cut off. I'm talking short. Like Ellen DeGeneres short. And with the seventy pounds of weight I gained during the pregnancy, coupled with the new hair, I looked like your stereotypical Walmart shopper. Poor Mr. Farklepants. I was so fetching prior. He probably wondered what the hell he'd gotten himself into. He didn't realize he'd end up married to a house with Trump hair.

The look was so bad, I scared myself. And from that point on my hair has been long. Various lengths of long, but long and/or long-ish. I vowed never again to wear my hair short.

(Tootsie and current hair above right with little sis, and no we're not wearing the same dress because that would be dumb.)

But lately, I find myself really drawn to Christina Applegate. I mean, who wouldn't? You too right? Cuz, she's like hot and stuff. I'm really diggin' her hair. Like, totally. Here's her look from the show Samantha Who?



I'm thinking about making a BIG change. Not at tomorrow's appointment. Oh no no. I need more time to crawl deep inside myself in a very introspective and nonsexual way and visit my place of tremendous courage [no, not that place but sometimes just as difficult to locate]. Or talk myself out of it. Or discuss this with my husband because he's the one who will have to live with my nervous breakdown if I regret the decision. And I kinda like having food and shelter; and love and support. And sex. Right now he's reading this and thinking, ohmyhell.

I'm asking you to cast your vote in the poll below. Please know that I've considered that my current hair allows me to throw it into a ponytail whenever it's being stupid. And that I can just wash and go, sporting a wavy look. I've also weighed the pros and cons associated with short hair.

Con: I'll have to style it everyday. With what looks to be a lot of time with a curling iron.
Pro: It's different.

Okay....GO!

A Then and Now Tutorial Courtesy of Google Images

Then (can you say orange?):

Now (can you say cha-ching?!):

Then (French-cut and pantyhose?):

Now (viva la comfort):

Then:

Now:

Then:

Now:

Then (condom failure):

Now (condom failure):

Brought to you by the extravagant cost of hair maintenance, the too often occurrence of work-out clothes as a fashion staple, the straight hair revolution, battling chin acne in my thirties, and stepping on an empty box of PlanB in the parking lot of the grocery store [Teenager? Or mother of four that was all, oh heeellll no? Discuss].

I Make These Mistakes so You Can Learn from Me

I was getting ready to go out and run some fabulous errands on Saturday and I thought to myself, Self? I'm going to treat you to a shampoo and blow dry while you're out because you fancy yourself a special pampered princess. And I was all, you know what Self? You're right, I do. And I think you're all kinds of rad for coming up with that idea; remind me to make out with you later. And my Self was all, thank you, I blush. So, before I left the house I told Mr. Farklepants, "Hey, if it's not too crowded I'm going to swing by Supercuts for a wash and blow while I'm out". And he was all, "Okay.....Did you say something?".

I know, right? Supercuts? Yeah, well I gave that a second thought as well. I thought to myself, Self? Are you REALLY going to willingly walk into a Supercuts and let them touch your hair? I tried to tell myself, Self? It's just shampoo and a hair dryer, what's the harm? And my Self was all, the harm is it's Supercuts and you could walk out of there with a pageboy and a perm. In other words; I chickened out. Not feeling like driving the whole ten miles to my hairdresser [who's not even there on Saturday anyway] I searched for and found an acceptable looking salon.

It looked a wee busy so I didn't expect my "walk-in" self to fit into their schedule. I explained what I wanted and assured them if it wasn't possible then it. was. no. biggie. Honest. I was surprised when they took me right in and sent me over to, who can only be described as, The Sourpuss. She asked my name and apparently I tried to tell her telepathically because she didn't hear me and followed up with a graceful, WHAT?!? And I was all, "It's Tootsie, ohmygod I'm so sorry. I didn't realize we were using our outside voices today". I suddenly felt a little nervous kind of like how a small child feels in the company of an intimidating adult.

Once in the sink she did a pretty good job washing my hair [in silence] until she got to the conditioner. I've got a LOT of hair. It's long and it's super thick. It's wavy and each individual strand is a fat bastard. And if you've got my hair IN YOUR HANDS this becomes a very obvious fact. Needless to say my hair requires more than the recommended dime size amount of conditioner. Also uneccessary was the amount of water used to rinse. When she sat me upright she announced, "Your hair really rats up". Uh-huh. Well, not usually, I thought. She then spent seven hours combing out my hair with a steel pick.

Then there was the sectioning off, the blowing out with a metal brush that was eating the back of my neck, and not an ounce of hair product in sight. Then she finally made it to the top section and asked which way I parted my hair. An hour later it was over. I knew this because she removed the cape that was draped around me, which I assume indicated that she was finished. Because? Let's recap, shall we? The following are the only words that came out of her mouth the entire time I was there:

• What's your name?
  
• WHAT?!?
• Your hair really rats up
• Which way do you part your hair?

I left with my hair brittle and dry as a bone. For someone who just had her hair blown out with a big round brush my hair was flyaway and flat. And my bangs were doing the stupidest thing ever in their whole life. I arrived home $35 poorer than when I left and almost in tears. To which Mr. Farklepants wondered, "What did you expect from Supercuts?" and I was all, "I didn't even GO to Supercuts".....Wwwaaaaaaaaahhhhh. And then he left me alone for some time after that; realizing it was in the family's best interest.

My life is so hard, right? Don't you wish you had my problems?

All That and a Jar of Salsa

In the Farklepants household, at any given time, you will find the above combination of snacks. That is Herdez salsa, and in my opinion, the best store bought salsa on the market. Why, yes, I have tried them all, smart-ass. And my summation: Pace is for people who don't know what salsa is supposed to actually taste like. And it's certainly not supposed to taste like hot ketchup (catsup? whatever, tomato/tomahto).

That little 'bag of chips that could' [because that bag is empty, y'all and look how its able to stand on its own!] are plain corn Doritos and there used to be a time when they were not found in southern California super markets. They were in places like Texas and Hawaii. So whenever someone we knew were going to either of those places we'd beg ask them to please ship us a few half-dozen or so bags. Mr. Farklepants introduced me to the chips early in our courting phase. And when I say introduced I mean "schooled" me:

Mr.F: I could go for some plain Doritos.
Me: You mean the nacho cheese? I'll go get some.
Mr.F: No. Plain.
Me: Nacho cheese?
Mr.F: No. Plain. The ORIGINAL Doritos flavor.
Me: Isn't that nacho cheese?

And then he proposed. The end.

In other hair related events: You'll be relieved to learn that the following has been remedied. And that would be the dark line that was dominating the real estate along my left hand side part representing six weeks of growth.


It wasn't without a little pain, however. I love my new hairdresser. She's local, fast, and cheap; and still manages to be awesome and gives good hair wash. I do lurves me a good hair washing. Yesterday was my third time in her chair and I'm getting to know her a little better with each visit. What I'm learning is that she's very outspoken. Yesterday she decided to talk politics and started the conversation by blurting out: I hope Obama isn't the next president. I don't trust him. There's something about him I don't like.

Then she went on to tell me how much she likes McCain and I refrained from snatching the shears from her hands and stabbing her informing her that I'm a bleeding heart liberal and McCain makes me want to hurl flaming kittens* at him; and focused all of my attention on the OK! magazine I was reading that featured celebrities without their makeup and making me feel a little better about my naked face after witnessing Julia Roberts, Katherine Heigl, and Eva Longoria sans professional assistance. And some deep-breathing exercises and taking an impromptu anger management course.

I'm just grateful that it wasn't my gyencologist during a routine pap-smear. I fear I would have clenched up during that episode, forever trapping the speculum in my vagina. So...you know, at least it wasn't that.

*That would be kittens on fire. Not the flamboyant ones.

**UPDATED SCROLL TO BOTTOM** Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Slogan of the day:

Next to the Breast, Tootsie Farklepants's the Best.

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Generated by the Advertising Slogan Generator. Get more tootsie farklepants slogans.

Q: Standing Still pretty much answers her own question: "Question. Age 45 and linebacker thighs. Not the thinnest they've been Shorts? I'm thinking, "not." Thanks."

A: I'm not a big shorts lover to begin with. Skirts, yes. Shorts, no. I've worn them, of course, but if you want to beat the heat then a skirt (just above the knee or longer) really is the way to go. Not only is there more air circulation but they're great sin hiders. Shorts make me think of kids and/or tourists. Skirts are classy even when casual and your sweaty legs won't stick to the seat when you try to get up.

Q: JCK of Motherscribe seeks smooth legs: "What is the best razor? And do you use shaving cream? I am known to go a day(s!!) without shaving, but if I try to shave every day I get nicked-up legs. Yet, if I go more than one day the sharpness of the hair is akin to Cactus thorns. The poor Sot husband has to wear armor to combat the razor burn from my legs! Help??"

A: I cannot even fathom shaving without shaving cream! I know I used plain ol' soap in those early years but I've assigned that memory to the dark parts of my brain that I no longer have access too. I use Skintimates shaving cream for dry skin for anything that needs shaving. And I use Venus disposable razors because I use a new one every time for the best results (I just cannot type that word without first typing "resluts"...dyslexia or something else?). The best is if you can manage a day or two in between so that there's a little growth to contend with. So? Can you? Can you manage to keep your legs to yourself for a day or two? Perhaps consult the Kamasutra for some tips on positions that don't involve your legs? I know it's on your bedside table, JCK. Don't lie.

Q: Inzaburbs seeks smoothness a little farther north: "While on the subject of razors - when replying to jck please be sure to include bikini line advice! I am committed to going to the pool every day this summer and do not want to wear one of those little skirty things that have made a resurgence."

A: Ooohhhh...Vag talk! My favorite! For the most attractive bikini line I recommend a wax. That is, if you can tolerate it AND afford it. And aren't shy since depending on what you need removed from where, your esthetician could be your new bestest friend; seeing parts of you that you yourself are physically incapable of witnessing. This was once common practice in my grooming rituals but like I said, it's pricey. Eventually, we sat down and had to have a imaginary serious discussion - just like countless married couples nationwide, I'm sure - about just how much of our household budget was being spent on my vagina. I mean, our oldest is going to need braces soon. A wax lasts about 3 weeks. So if you get it done just after you finish your period, it should last until you start again and during the time you are, um, occupied with a feminine hygiene product of some sort, this is when the regrowth can be allowed to flourish and you'll be ready for your next appointment. Seriously though, if you're just doing it for the summer, this is a good way to go. ~ how many men are still here? Raise your hand.

Q: OHMommy seeks parenting advice for the stubborn child: "How do you deal with a stubborn middle child that refuses to eat her green veggies?"

A: I'm probably the worst source for this particular advice considering my oldest child lived on Eggo Homestyle waffles for two years of his life and probably just barely dodged a raging case of scurvy. I know that Jessica Sienfeld thinks she's so original with her Deceptively Delicious ways, but mothers have been hiding veggies in their kids meals forEVER. If that doesn't work, consult your local pharmacist about making them into suppositories. Any child faced with that choice will happily take their veggies orally. If not, consult a therapist.

Q: Cheri has today's hair related question: "I'm thinking about the "Heather Armstrong on the Today show haircut." What do you think? It looks FABULOUS and even holds up under the dissin' of a couple of mean girls. It is hawt and could come in handy at PTA meetings . . ."

A: It is hot and you totally should! The "Dooce" would do for hair in the millennium like the "Rachel" did for the '90's. And it would probably draw in a whole new demographic of non-blog reading women who would be all, "who knew what I was missing?". I personally can't pull off a bob. It makes my chin and my neck appear to be one sole functioning organ and it ain't pretty. But if you aren't plagued by that particular kind of nasty, then go for it!

Q: The Mom Bomb is stumped by a critter from Nick Jr.: "Oh: another question for Prof. Farklepants! What the hell is "Uniqua" from Backyardigans? A bug? We could never figure it out."

A: What the hell is Uniqua?! Other than the fact that she's clearly a female judging by her name, why, she can't be filed neatly away in some category just to appease us! Our need for everything being just 'so'! She is intentionally vague. And she's all, "I'm Uniqua and I'm unique! The name says it all, so just deal" and then she gave three snaps up in Z-formation. And, I believe? Rolled her eyes and sucked breath through her teeth at us. She's becoming a bit of a prima donna from all the attention she gets.

***UPDATED***

Q: Karen at The Rocking Pony sent these questions via email AND I TOTALLY MISSED IT: "Okay, that's it. I've had it. What is there to do about sorting socks when you do laundry? With all the kids wearing similar sizes it's hard to know who's is who's. I HATE SORTING SOCKS. What do I do to avoid this? I've tried having the kids do this for me (because it's mostly their socks) but they don't really pull through like I'd hoped."

And I'm also looking for a lip gloss that works for me. I don't like shiny-glittery and I don't like gooey-sticky. I know you like Carmex (and I do, too) but I like something gives a little more gloss that than. Any suggestions? Thanks for your help. Too bad it's Friday and I have to wait a whole week for answers.

A: First of all I want to apologize that you had to wait, not only until Friday, but until the end of the day because a certain blogger that goes by the name of "Tootsie Farklepants" managed to forget to flag this message in her inbox. We've pulled her aside and had a chat about responsibilities. BUT! Don't feel too bad because Anglophilefootballfatnatic's submitted question has gone completely AWOL. Okay... Honestly? With the socks? Write their name or first initial on the bottom heel. With my daughter being in preschool and socks mandatory, almost every pair she owns has her name written on the bottom. And if your kids don't want to go for that because it's not cool or they think it's lame, or whatever, then they risk wearing mismatched sized socks.

Lipgloss... repeat after me: Cover Girl Wetslicks. I wear it in Iced Berry and Wine Shine. It is not too gooey, sticky, sparkly, or look as if you ate a glitter sandwich for lunch. It's pretty sheer too, which I like. One drawback, and I will be honest, it is not long lasting. You'll have to reapply every couple of hours. But I've been using it for about three years now. Which means it will be discontinued soon.

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Vintage Thirty would like to apologize for the apparent haphazardness of todays post. Tootsie spent a good portion of her evening ignoring her family trying to visit the blogs of all the new readers that stopped by here this week. Then she spent the remainder of the middle of the night not having sex with her husband visiting the advice portion of her brain so that she felt confident that she was giving you her all and not short sheeting your beds. And then? She hit some key on her keyboard and the whole post went POOF! And it wasn't until after she rammed her head through the nearest wall that she remembered to simply click the "back" button and VOILA! Crisis averted.

Q: OHMommy, the super adorable host of Classy Chaos needs THE cream: "I turned thirty last year. I have three kids and three forehead wrinkles. I am really afraid of what my 40s will bring - I actually dislike looking in the mirror and seeing myself age so fast. I have vowed to take better care of my skin by drinking more water and moisturizing my face, neck, and chest every night/day, and using sunscreen. However, the wrinkles will not go away. Without spending hundreds of dollars on fancy creams and botox... what can I get at Target to start minimizing these prominent forehead wrinkles. I am desperately seeking help."

A: Funny how thirty just up and betrays you, isn't it? Although it is no laughing matter and I totally and completely know what you mean. That was around the time that I wished I had started taking better care of my skin when I was twenty. Check out this post for the ultimate skin cream. And really give that stubborn affected (effected? grammar is hard) area nightly massages with the L'Oreal Wrinkle Decrease (night). Because I'm convinced that along with the cream, simply rubbing it on a consistent basis is key. That's what she said.

Q: Shania of Craving Silence is attempting that quandary for the ages: "A question for your next advice session: I'm considering growing out my natural color. Any advice on how to make the grow out phase less painful?"

A: I have to admit that this one has me stumped. Timely too. I just saw a young woman yesterday, whom I'm assuming is an art student at the local Cal Arts college, who is doing just this thing. Her hair was jet black and her very natural mousy blonde roots were about five inches long. But? She's an art student I think and was totally pulling it off. In the event that you aren't also an art student or in some type of edgy profession where you can pull off a grunge look; I suggest investing in some cute hats, scarves, and perhaps cutting your hair as short as you comfortably can. And fortunately those wide headbands that tie all the way around your crown are in right now. So you can pull your hair back into a messy bun and wrap that band around the exposed roots. In the meantime there are mild semi-permanent colors out there (have it professionally done) that can help with the waiting period.

Q: Burgh Baby's Mom is representing the fashion portion of today's column: "Question for you--if I were to go drop $100 on some summer clothes for myself, what should I get?"

A: Now that you're famous spend more! ahem...I imagine you're like most women me and want to get as much as you can for that hundred dollars. I would try to get a few pieces that are mix and matchable thus garnering more outfits than you actually bought. For instance one pair of neutral pants and as many tops as you can with what is left over. You can get away with wearing the pants a couple of days a week and pair it with a different top each time. I don't know if you have a New York and Company near you but they have a great selection for just that sort of thing and their prices are pretty low. They also often have decent sales like 2 for 1 or buy one get one half off things that make you kind of shiver in places you don't like to admit out loud. At least in public. In front of strangers. Or here on a blog for anyone to see. You know what I'm saying.

Q: The San Diego Momma is no poseur: "Now back to my hair. Should I get it cut like Jackie on Work Out? Or is that a poseur cut?"

A: Can I just say that you would totally rock that cut? You would. Since Farrah Fawcett a shag has never been out of style. It may have evolved over the years but it's still a shag. The great thing about that cut is that you can make it into a different hairstyle everyday. Curl it, flat iron it, blow it under, flip it up, smack it flip it rub it down OHHHhh! And it's still long enough to pull it up on those days that it decides to be a bitch.

Q: Anglophilefootballfanatic Has a request and some advice of her own: "Oh, please Ms Farklepants, Ma'am, will you give us a grand finale post with all the pimped out products you've told us we need? Like for Friday even? I can't keep going back in time to see what I have been missing out on. Oh, but my big time recommendation? DHC's Eye Off Shade. It REALLY does make black puffy eyes look stellar."

A: Since you asked, I shall. In fact, I'll bullet point them due to their supreme awesomeness (because supreme awesomeness deserves a bullet point):

• L'Oreal Wrinkle Decrease (Night) ~ for the face
• L'Oreal Professionnel liss extreme cera liss system ~ for le hair
• Garnier Nutritioniste Ultra-Lift anti-wrinkle firming eye cream ~ um, your eyes
• Matrix Sleek.Look shampoo and conditioner
• Dove Energy Glow Daily Moisturizer with Subtle Self-Tanners ~ le fake bake
• L'Oreal Voluminous (not waterproof) mascara (I wear it in black)
• Proactiv Renewing Cleanser ~ just the cleanser. I find the whole system to be very drying of the skin which, in my opinion, accelerated the premature wrinkling of my skin
• Carmex lip balm ~ yes the one for cold sores but it only costs about a buck and blows everything else away for soft lips.
  
  I believe that includes all the products from past posts. My work here is done. For today.

I Seem to be Pimping A Lot of L'Oreal

liss extreme cera liss system. What is that? It is: masque lissant cheveux indisciplines. What? Vous ne parlez pas français? Me either. Translation: It is a smoothing masque for unmanageable hair. And it is from the L'Oreal Professionnel line. And it's not just the quality that separates it from the bargain line. So does the price and the language barrier. But trust me when I say that you want this stuff. See that little purple square on the right bottom side of the jar? That is supposedly all that you need per application. That's a fat lie. Or in French: c'est un gros mensonge. You need about 2 heaping fingertips worth, but still. The directions also say to apply to shampooed and towel dried hair but I don't have that kind of time. I mean, who washes their hair, gets out, towel dries their hair, applies a conditioning hair mask, waits 3 minutes then gets back in the shower? Not anyone with a job or kids or a blog or a life, obviously. So I wash my hair, wring it out IN THE SHOWER, and then apply and let it set while I do other things that involve liquid soap, a scrunchy, shaving cream, and a razor. Sorry, those are the only details I'll reveal. Then I rinse. When it's finally blown dry it's...it's... well, remember when you were a teenager and your hair was soft and bouncy? Yeah, me either. The 1980's were replete with home perms, crimping irons, too infrequent hair cuts, teasing, and excessive Aqua Net and Depp gel use. But I hear the youth have cornered the market on the touchability factor when it comes to hair. So use this and people will approach you and exclaim: vos cheveux sont impressionnants! That's right. It will inspire people to speak French. And you'll be all, "I'm sorry, I don't know what you just said" and they'll be all, "I apologize. I don't know where that came from. I don't even know how to speak French, how'd that happen? I mean, Your hair is awesome".


What is wrong with this picture? Aside from the fact that the mirror reveals that I have those God awful vanity lights in my bathroom? This is my blusher. No I did not drop it. I have used it down to the last right hand corner. This is Clinique Nude Nude Blush. And it is discontinued. Why? Who the hell knows. I mean, it's only the most perfect color for my skin tone. Ever! It's not too peachy, not too pink, not too brown, and not too bronze. So of course it makes perfect sense to just stop making it. And what's worse is that I've yet to find a replacement shade. I bought one that was too orangey and powdery when applied. Then another one was too pink and had some kind of sparkly crack in it that made me look like a hooker stripper $1000 a night call girl. And one was just too "mauvey" which translates into too 1985. Clinique, you've been put on notice. You would be dead to me except that I still rely on you for my City Base Foundation in Ivory Bisque. Do not fuck that up. I'm not opposed to slapping your staff.

The Post Where She Talks About Her Hair. Again.

It could be love. I didn't mean for this to happen. It was just supposed to be a meaningless fling to satisfy a need. When I scheduled an appointment with this other woman, it was only meant as a one night morning stand. My hair grew impatient - and long with split ends and considerable root growth - while my steady hairdresser bonded at home with her infant daughter. But this new woman introduced me to things I'd never experienced before like less than thirty minutes to get all of the foils into my hair including highlights and lowlights. A deep conditioning with a trip under the hairdryer that turned my hair into silk. A cut that managed to keep the length and also allow for swingy layers. And the ménage à trois coup de grâce: She and her assistant, both armed with a hair dryer, working in unison to produce the ultimate blowout in record speed. A feat I'm sure they questioned was even possible after both remarked "um, you have a lot of damn hair". And just under 2 hours later, I approached the receptionist to pay my bill; apprehensive about the total since it wasn't until that moment that I realized I'd never inquired about the rates -and I think I can get an amen from the ladies about this because that price tag could easily be upwards of $300+ and who needs that kind of shock therapy or divorce fodder?- I nearly fainted dead on the spot when the total price was in the ballpark of $50 less than that of Steady Hairdresser. There was also some sweet talk about by the way bang trims are free just pop in whenever... which caused me to suppress some carnal urges. I see an It's Not You It's Me speech in the future. When and if Steady Hairdresser returns from maternity leave there will be an awkward conversation about how I strayed in her absence. And that I liked it.

(New hair and have you met my cleavage?)

*photo by Dorothy Z.

I Must Confess...It's Tuesday #9

Don't let my new coffee table distract you from the real purpose of this post.

And that is, that my hairdresser is currently on materinity leave. Yes, we're all very excited**... new baby... ooohhh, ahhhh... it's a girl!! But enough about the miracle of birth; let's talk about me. More specifically, my hair. I have been cursed? blessed with quick growing hair. I'm ready every four weeks for some maintenance [which includes foils containing highlights, two separate colors for lowlights, and an all over semi-permanent color; i.e. a hell of a lot of work]. Six weeks is stretching it. After that? I deserve a recurring role on My Name is Earl. I'm very loyal to my hairdressers. I've only had three my entire adult life, and the first two relationships ended for reasons beyond my control. I made a vow to my current one that I wouldn't allow anyone else to touch my head until she got her sea legs back. But I didn't say that I wouldn't totally fuck up my hair all by myself! Which brings me to this frightening turn of events:




You'll be happy to learn that the roots took really well. The highlights did not. Apparently chemistry 101 and I have not been formally introduced. However, the part of my brain where my rudimentary knowledge is stored, was vaguely aware and flat out ignored this information. Why dark blonde, you wonder, when I wear it so obviously very blonde? Because, there was that one time? About ten years ago, when hairdresser #1 and I were cruelly separated? And in my desperation I consulted a box of very light blonde? And the final results produced very yellow hair. Fool me once, shame on Miss Clairol; fool me twice, that's my bad. That's the first reason. The second reason is that for the last year I've been showing a picture of Gisele Bundchen to my hairdresser and asking her to please make me look like that. And she thinks to herself, "that would require some very pricey plastic surgery and a strict diet, oh, and other genes". Or, she thinks Gisele Bundchen is Heather Locklear. Because I usually come out resembling the latter. On my own, I've achieved nothing more than spotty coloring. In six weeks my hairdresser will be actively slitting my throat.

**I really am excited for her!! Don't let my snarkiness fool you.

Updated to add requested pictures. You know what's hard? Taking your own picture. They are very MySpace-like. Wanna know what else, else? Taking your own picture produces unattractive extreme close ups. This was the best I could do and unfortunately, it isn't capturing the true color and actually look kinda good. Think: drab.

She'll let a Stranger French Braid her Hair but Cry if I Brush it, W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R

Once upon a time, there was a toddler named Girl-Child Farklepants. For much of the first year of her life, she was bald. Finally sometime after her first birthday, her hair started to grow! Except it only grew on the top, in the front, and in the back. Not on the sides.


Girl-Child was a victim of the accidental mullet. Her mother wept openly at the diagnosis, but vowed to be strong and let nature take its course. It was hard. So HARD to be patient. Girl-Child Farklepants had very bad hair. It was awful. A disaster. Which is a damn shame because her mom has bitchen hair [except for that one unfortunate Dorothy Hamill fiasco when she was 9 and everyone thought she was a boy...oh, and that time she cut it all off after her first was born; the horror]. It's kinda her mom's best feature, if she were asked. Anyway, her mom tried to keep it out of her eyes and make the best of a bad situation. But Girl-Child was not one for things in her hair. She often pulled them out within four minutes of their placement there. This drove her mother insane because Girl-Child always had hair hanging in her eyes. Plus it distracted from whatever cute outfit she was wearing because she always looked unfinished.


For her second birthday she got some more hair. She was not at all excited about it; but her mother was thrilled! She finally had enough to even things out a little and joined the Posh Spice Bob Brigade:


But it was still kind of awful.


So for the next one and a half if not longer years her mother let it grow. She never cut the length and only trimmed Girl-Child's bangs when needed. And it grew very long and very well.


And on Saturday, March 15, 2008 her mother took her to the salon for kids; to cut an inch or so off the ends. Her mother forgot to bring her camera with her to document it [specifically for this post] as she had planned to do. Because her mother is an idiot. Also, the stylist at the salon French braided Girl-Child's hair. Something which Girl-Child's mother does not know how to do. Because she skipped the chapter entitled "Things Every Mother of a Daughter Must Know if you Plan to Have a Daughter" in the book about girls. And also since she doesn't know how to braid hair the way those Fray-unch do; it makes her feel less of a woman.

The End

A Boy and His Hair

My oldest son has long hair (see proof here ) and is ready for a change. Not short, but a new style. He's very excited (as excited as an eleven year old boy can be about hair) about this:

Joe Jonas (center) has the look my boy wants to imitate. I'm on the fence about it and trying not to fall off. Is it just me, or is it a piece-y mullet? A party in the front and simultaneous party in the back kinda mullet? I'm all for risky hair, especially when you're a kid. Since once one becomes an adult it is often difficult to pull it off if you've got a job that says; conservative, please. But a mullet? I have this fear that he'll hate it once the deed is done. And I'll try to keep the rain of hair from sticking to his tears as I shave it all off onto the kitchen floor.

Shave and a Haircut Two Bits

Boy-Child#2 was in desperate need of a haircut. He was becoming quite unkempt. After my last of many visits as a customer in a particular local hair salon that, according to the name of their establishment, specialize in Kidz (yes, the "z" is intentional) hair; I vowed never to return as I chocked back tears whilst I gazed upon my son's butchered do. Seriously, I could have done a better job myself in my own kitchen. With dull scissors. With my right hand tied behind my back. And blindfolded. It's been that bad. I'm embarrassed to admit that I've returned there as many times as I have; only to mutter to myself each time "I don't know why I keep coming back here". Maybe it's that I'm hopeful that they'll live up to their title of "we do Kidz hair". They used to be super. Great big thumbs up! But apparently it was just the particular woman that was super and she no longer is employed there. And also apparently they've replaced her with someone whose job interview I imagine went something like this:

Place That Does Kidz Hair: What is your experience?
Hairdresser That Sucks: None.
Place That Does Kidz Hair: What talent do you possess to cut a child's hair?
Hairdresser That Sucks: None.
Place That Does Kidz Hair: Are you any good?
Hairdresser That Sucks: No.
Place That Does Kidz Hair: You're hired! You start today. Here are some scissors and a child. Godspeed.

So, with my child looking frumpy, and my unwillingness to let him be their guinea pig even one more time; I remembered that my own mother used to trot my bro down to the good ol' fashioned barber shop. And as luck would have it, in an "in your face" kinda way, there is one located just next door to place that I'll never set foot in again. I admit, there wasn't the little old man that I expected who may have offered to also give my seven year old son a close shave with a straight edge and shine his shoes when all was said and done. Instead, the gentleman resembled a gangsta and was covered in tattoos, but damn skippy if he didn't do a great job! Boyz got skilllzzz.

All About the Hair

Your hair can make or break your day. If it won't behave it's time to cancel plans, phone in sick, throw it in a ponytail and call it a day. But if you're rockin' your do it's a whole new world. Unlike many women, I love my hair. Love, love, LOVE it! It's thick, wavy, and does just about whatever I want it too. Short hair does not work for me, however, because of the thickness and I end up more or less looking like I'm running for the senate (i.e. too matronly). I'm a drugstore junkie and should not be allowed in one if my wallet is in tow. I love the colors, the pallets, the wands, the tubes...ooooh I'm starting to sweat just thinking about it! But when it comes to my hair I'm a bone fide product snob. Hair has a shelf life and I ain't about to do it any harm. Ever since I was 18 and a true friend came to my rescue and convinced me that SuperCuts was not a professional salon and escorted me into a fabulous shop on Ventura Boulevard, I've never looked back...and am forever in her debt.

I've had only three different hairdressers in my adult life. I'm loyal. The changes only came about because of circumstances beyond my control. I literally cried when the second relationship had to end. No one does blonde like her. She's magic and now living 3000 miles away from my head. Sob. If hair care products are your "thing" and beauty supply stores your source of climbing debt; talk to your hairdresser. Hairdressers have this wonderful little "club card" with which they receive discounts on all of the best products beauty supply chains have to offer. If you've been a loyal client don't be afraid to ask your tress tamer if they wouldn't mind picking up a bottle, a tube, a jug or two of what it is you covet...at a discount. Chances are, they won't mind. If directly asking for a favor makes you uncomfortable...drop subtle hints. But seriously, they don't mind.

Trust me. xoxo

Second Day Hair

If you're an every other day hair washer-er like I am, here's a cute way to style that second day hair. Give your dry hair a blast with the hair dryer to wake it up and give it some body; personally, I don't even brush my hair on these days. Then take a 1 1/2" or 2" barrel curling iron to it and give it some "beachy" waves. Shake it out with your fingers and give it a few mists with a dandy hairspray like Sleek Look from Matrix. Make sure the spray is dry and then pull the hair back into a messy bun with a strong, fabric covered rubber band; do this as if you were pulling it into a pony tail but don't pull the pieces all the way through. Finally pull your bangs back (away from your face as if they were teased back, not slicked)so that there is some lift, and secure them with a stylish headband. VOILA! So cute! And you don't have to look lazy to be lazy.