Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Post Where I Compare Perimenopause to Beowulf

Alternate Title: This Post Brought to You by a Random Bout of Insomnia

Dear Mother Nature,

May we have a word? I'm a little mad with you. You and I met when I was, oh, about nine years old or so when you gave me these little things called "buds"; you know, the beginnings of boobehs. "Buds", cute name for such torturous little balls of pain. Avoiding things like wind or letting the shower hit you clear in the chest was a fun time. Then you threw some awkward pubic and armpit hair on me. About that; I know you work painstakingly hard on pulling the universe together in perfect harmony, but unwanted body hair is kind of a holdover from our prehistoric selves that was once useful for warmth and keeping random cooties and debris from wandering into our nether regions. For quite some time now we've had the luxury of things like underwear, pants, and sweaters. You know, clothes. And central heat. And penicillin. So now all that it does is create a very lucrative business empire called: hair removal. But I digress.

Then when I was eleven you returned and granted me the gift of menstruation. And we had a deal. I even eventually dropped three more human beings onto the planet for you (just to sweeten the pot); through my vagina...and by the way, could you work on making that opening just a liiiiitle bit bigger? Anyway, the deal...It was to be a cycle. Every twenty-eight days, to be precise. For an undetermined, but finite, time. And now? Now I feel like Beowulf. I don't know if you have a DVD player or video on demand where you are, but it goes a little something like this:

There's this king and his kingdom is cursed and vulnerable to attack by a beast that lives in the nearby mountains. And that one fateful night comes and many in the kingdom are slaughtered in a terribly ghoulish fashion. So the king summons the bravest dude in all the land, Beowulf, to come and kick some major ass. And that he does. He kills the beast dead. Beowulf does not disappoint. Then the king, who is sans a male heir, proclaims Beowulf as the heir to the thrown. They celebrate by drinking wine out of the Golden-French-Horny-Thingy-Goblet then the king throws himself off the nearest tower.

It turns out that the mother of the now dead beast is really pissed off that her son is dead. And she shows up later that night while everyone is sleeping and kills just about all the dudes. So Beowulf, armed with his Golden-French-Horny-Thingy-Goblet and what's left of his men, sets out to slay the monster-mama. Once in the cave inside the mountain the monster-mama finally shows herself and she's Ange-fucken-lina Jolie! Nude. Of course. And she's all, "Is that Golden-French-Horny-Thingy-Goblet a gift for me"? And Beowulf is all, "Uh, yeah, I guess" aawwwkward. Then she tells him that she's pretty darn upset that her son is dead but as long as she has the Golden-French-Horny-Thingy-Goblet in her possession, then his kingdom is safe. And then she's all, "Hey, Beowulf, eyes up here".

And does Beowulf slay her? No. Why? Because she's Ange-fucken-lina Jolie. And when the monster is Angelina Jolie you don't kill it. You have sex with it. And impregnate it with your child. But you don't know that last part even though you kind of suspect it.

Then one day one of your soldiers is all, "Hey, Beowulf, lookie what I found over yonder"! That's right. The Golden-French-Horny-Thingy-Goblet. Which means that it's no longer in Angelina Jolie's possession. Which means your kingdom is about to get messed up. Hardcore.

So really, Angelina Jolie Mother Nature. Was it really necessary to give me back my Golden-French-Horny-Thingy-Goblet this early in the game? For the last several months my kingdom has been under attack menstrual cycle has become what we call FUBAR. There is no "cycle" to speak of. It shows up when it damn well pleases. Especially on holidays. But now? Twice a month? Really? I only get a two week reprieve? I cry foul, Mother Nature. And it explains why I couldn't stop talking about those chocolate covered marshmallows I devoured Saturday night. They weren't just great; they were premenstrual syndrome terrific!

And enough with the random facial hair already! Are you aware that every mirror in my house is completely and utterly useless? Why? Because they only show me the way I like to see me. Now the mirror that resides on the backside of the sun visor in my car? Priceless. That thing is the speaker of truth. Do you know how humiliating it is to be seen plucking stray hairs out of your chin while waiting in the after school pick up line? Do you even care?

Signed,

A Disgruntled Female Human Being

P.S. You suck.

66 comments:

Steph said...

Thank you. Thank you for completely validating my belief that the friggin' mirror in the car is way better for plucking than any freaking mirror in the house, including those really friggin' scary TEN X!!! ones that make my pores look like potholes.

Neil said...

Also thanks referring to the Beowolf with the hot Angelina Jolie rather than that dull-as-crap book they made us read as English majors.

Sue said...

OH Tootsie, You make me laugh!

standing still said...

Perimenopause. The gift that keeps on giving.

Dawn in Austin said...

OMG! Sister, you are preaching to the choir! I thought I was the only one that keeps a pair of tweezers in the car. Oh, and let me tell you..having a hot flash? in Texas? in the godamn summer?? are you kidding me? I think I'll just spontaneously combust.

Stephanie said...

You SLAY me!

hulagirlatheart said...

I find that the fluorescent lighting at work is excellent for spotting those stray hairs that grow out of my chin.

Perimenopause sucks monkey toes.

reneedesigns said...

I'm right their with you on the whole perimenopause thing. It stinks to high heaven on a good day. Thanks for the laugh.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

But it gets better with real menopause - then you get a real mustache and an extra 10 pounds to boot! I can't wait.

Timi said...

Since becoming not "regular" my new best friends have become doughnuts, cookies, mac and cheese and philly cheese steak. There are so many things my mother forgot to tell me! Can't remember anything, hair growing in weird places, the need for different foods I never liked before, and the list goes on an on! Did I mention I can't remember anything. The other day I looked for butter for 20 minutes because I couldn't remember what I did with it.
It was in the bathroom.

Burgh Baby said...

I totally want to make out with Angelina Jolie and her hairy chin now . . . What?

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

We had to read Beowulf in High School - in old English and crap. I hated it and I didn't remember the story at all and I was all impressed that you are remembering the story then I lost my incredible admiration for your literary know-all when I realize you were summarizing the movie. Then I gained my incredible admiration because you are the ony person I know that could bring this all together and make it work.

KEEP BELIEVING

koehmstedt said...

Perimenopause. Seriously, what's that all about!? Just wait, my period was every other week for a couple months... my life was exactly this: bleeding / bitch / bleeding / bitch / bleeding / bitch... well you get the point. Good luck & see ya on the other side :)

g said...

Mustache whiskers. That's what happens to me. Big long wiry whiskers. And why is it that I never notice them until I'm in the car???

I go to the Indian beauty parlors where they thread them away, and shape my eyebrows and pat my skin with cooling witch hazel and talcum powder.

Kalynne Pudner said...

I don't remember any sex scene in Beowulf when I read it aloud to my kids a few years back. Wait - I did WHAT??? I must have been perimenopausal.

apathetic bliss said...

You are so freakin funny!!! I just shot coffee out of my nose....bet Angelina Jolie can't do that!

Jaci said...

Give her hell! She needs to back off with the two week periods--I got that little joyful gift, too. I'm back on the pill. Hello, weight gain!

Threeundertwo said...

Don't get me started. When Aunt Flo started coming to visit for 19 STRAIGHT DAYS I was ready to shoot somebody.

So I got that thing that's like a DUI, only backwards. So far, so great.

And yeah, some of those eyebrow hairs can really stray FAR, can't they?

You're a braver blogger than I am.

Kim said...

All hail Queen Tootsie! I'm with ya on the chin hair thang but I am in denial over the double periods per month - "I can't hear you! La la la la!"

Karen said...

Over from Insane Mama...

Funny post :-)

Wait till the Hot Flashes hit. It's flirting with the 100's here and I'm getting friggin' hot flashes!!

To add insult to injury, it's a year since my last period, so I'm now officially in memopause. However the PMS, hot flashes, cramps and all that crap are still with me, along with chin hair !!

A pox on you Mother Nature !

Texan Mama said...

I went to high school with ANGIE@KEEP BELIEVING but I didn't have to read beowulf. See what ya get for bein in the smart class, suckah?

So the next time my kids have to read Othello or the Illiad & the Odyssey, I'll just direct them to your page, K? You are better than Cliffs Notes.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Amen. I'm feeling the same rage about the same BS my body is starting to go through. Total crap.

Mrs. G. said...

Mother Nature is a sadist.

scargosun said...

Wow. I don't have to see Beowuf now and I am scared of my impending 36th birthday.

JoeinVegas said...

Ahhh - another movie I'm going to have to watch.

Undomestic Diva said...

My condolences. Truly.

coowen said...

Funny enough, I'd recently posted about my crazy hormones (poor hubby) and here's the solution: the Nuva Ring. I kid you not, not only did it make me less of a bitch, but my boobs got bigger. And seeing as how I love my boobs, I also posted on the girls. :)

http://coowen.blogspot.com/2008/07/hormone-induced-psychotic-behaviour-la.html
http://coowen.blogspot.com/2008/07/my-moniker-dd.html

Ann said...

I hate you car mirror. I love you car mirror.

Mekhismom said...

This is too funny. Sorry to hear that your ahem "friend" is visiting so frequently. Aint that a Beotch! I am not in your phase of life yet but I can relate to pulling out chin hairs. I do that in the car too. While driving! Perhaps I should stop that before someone gets hurt.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You are way too young for this business--get thee to a doctor, pronto.

I think it was Angelina Jolie's built in high heels that got to Beowulf.

ms-teacher said...

my own "friend" decides to greet me every month, heavily intense. Srsly it's worse than when I was a teen-ager! The hot flashes only come at night time every few months.

I wish I could count the days as to when this will end, but Mother Nature, ain't even nice enough to give us a timeline!

Sierra said...

Don't worry ... you are definitely not the only one whose cycles are FUBAR! (Love the Tango & Cash shout out!)

The Introvert said...

I trumped Mother Nature, the sadistic cow. I haven't had a period since 2001. Ha!

Incidentally, you are totally right about the mirror on the visor. Hello, random eyebrow hairs.

Melissa said...

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one going through this shit! I'm on my second 2 month cycle...and I've had so many freaking pregnancy tests lately that I'm beginning to wonder if I may be pregnant.

Ironically, my hubby had the big V a month ago...I had a pregnancy test the week after...WRONG!!

I'm to young for this shit...and let's don't even talk about facial hair....I'm thinking a goatee will look good on me eventually! ;)

Stu said...

Dear Mr Farklepants,

Our guest room is available if needed. I'll leave a key under the mat for late night emergencies.

-Stu

Karen said...

I feel your pain sista!

The Girl Next Door said...

OH yeah I am so with you. And my older sisters tell me to enjoy the ride, for oh. 12 years to come. I HATE MY GENES!

hippo brigade said...

Oh holy crap. You are my favorite. I laughed, I cried, i wanted to break out in song, all while reading your post. I hope you get your period back.

Saucy said...

Yes, the visor mirror, friend of mine. A dear friend at that.

This Mom said...

I kept trying to tell my OB after my last baby,"i am don't with that part you can just keep it". She wouldn't bite. When I am done nursing I am going in for an ICU. IT make you peroids just about stop. I LOVED IT.

You totally make me laugh.

Jennifer H said...

Mother Nature is a little bitchy, if you ask me.

Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants said...

Dude, you are hilarious!

I bow to the brilliance!

AGSoccerMom said...

you are way too funny.

McMommy said...

How appropriate for you to post this today......on what would have been Jennifer Aniston's and Brad Pitt's 8 year anniversary!

(I wish I could claim that I know this kind of useless information all the time...but the truth is that I heard that on the radio.)

Anyhoo, I bet Jen Aniston is hoping Angelina has to use her car mirror to pluck lots of facial hair.

mysecondjournal said...

My momma forgot to tell me about this shit that happens when you turn 40..it's WAY worse than puberty.
I found a 459 foot hair that curled from my chin UNDER my neck and I never knew it was there until I tried to tuck it behind my ear.. I'm so sad

Maggie, Dammit said...

Is this about my mother-in-law? I think maybe this is about my mother-in-law.

No?

dkuroiwa said...

There must be something going on because this is the second post to read today and the second one about pretty much the same thing...YOUR take on it is quite different...but the general idea is the same.
Never read Beowulf and if I did now, I'm not sure I'd be able to do it seriously!!

I'll comment what I did on the one before....
How sad is it that men really can't go through stuff like this in their lives. THANK GOD they can share the experiences with us...side by side, hot flash by hot flash!

Me? I'm eating tofu like nobody's business...will also find some Vit.E and black cohash just to be on the safe side!

~~sheesh~~Seriously...are we havin' fun yet?!?!

katydidnot said...

yeah. me too. the hairs thing.

Country Mouse City Mouse Indy said...

I'm so glad I stumbled upon your hillarious ass! My husband often comments on my random thoughts, but YOURS take the flippin' cake!!

Swirl Girl said...

My life as a human being spitter outer is over...thank god.

The bitch not only gave me cycle of like very 12 days for 35 years...and added valuable gift with purchase to it! (softball sized fibroids)

No golden chalice thingy for me!
Theodoric of York removeth the oven last year!!!

oh- and the hairs? How can they grow to like 2 inches long without detection, then all of the sudden you see one here, and here, and there...

LaskiGal said...

If I were still teaching HS English, I would so use this summary of Beowulf. They'd never forget it ever again.

Yeah, and that mirror on the back of the visor . . . hates me.

Dark lighting and blurry vision are my friends . . .

MommyTime said...

You crack me up. I have nothing funnier to add than what is already here, and nothing even remotely as funny, so this is really a non-comment type comment. But you've been making me laugh non-stop for a week in my reader, so I figured it was about damn time that I clicked over here and told you so in person. Or whatever. I may not be perimenopausal yet, but that doesn't mean my brain always works whip smart. Yours, on the other hand? Pure comic genius.

laughingatchaos said...

I think I wet my pants (hand to God, the going phrase in this house with the boys). I will never think of Beowulf the same again. Or Angelina Jolie. Or anything to do with, ahem, girly bits. LOL!

Dr. Mom said...

That's the funniest thing I have read all day! Probably all week...I thought I was the only one who had a pair of tweezers in the car!! Thanks for the laugh!

A Thing for Roses said...

Your post almost made me wet my pants. I didn't think about using the car mirror to pluck, but you know it's bad when your 14 year old daughter tries to pluck you with her fingernails in public.

Good luck!

Lisa

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I. Agree. With. Everything. You. Wrote.

PajamaChick said...

Dear Tootsie -
While you and Mother Nature (or possibly Angelina-fucking-Jolie) have a talk could you please ask why they (she/it) deems it necessary for me to have my period not once, not twice, but THREE DAMN TIMES in the month of July? In Texas. In shorts weather. It makes me want to cry. Wait, I am crying. I have been crying since JUNE.
Disgruntled and cramping,
Pajamachick

merlotmom said...

I could have written it myself, but you beat me to it. Bitch. Sorry, I'm peri-menopausal too ya know. Oh, and that visor mirror, sucks the big one. I don't need honesty at my age - Botox, Restylane - but not honesty.

Black Hockey Jesus said...

It sure as hell does show up whenever it pleases.

Packing the car to go to Sedona: Hi Jenna's period!

O that's not enough. I'll just start erupting into itchy, mysterious hives.

Colleen said...

Grendyl's mom is such a bitch.

have you tried giving the cup back again???

Susan said...

Oh, I just found this and your post is hysterical. Twice a month, I hear you sistah!

Elaine said...

Peri sucks. I was getting 3 periods in a month, so went back on the pill for a year. Now it's been 1.5 months since the last one. I feel like those job safety posters. "It's been 45 days since our last industrial accident..." Up to 10 years??? Totally NOT FAIR.

Anonymous said...

The only thing sadder than finding a hair on my chinny chin chin was finding a WHITE hair there. I can't believe how many of us are plucking away in the car--sometimes I'll be driving and have to pull over because I'll rub my chin and suddenly find that a new growth has sprouted.

poosemommy said...

The best thing is when you get perimenopause from Mother Nature for your 33rd birthday (that's right)
No shit, last week I got to work one evening and noticed growth on my upper lip that would make any 12 year old boy proud. It wasn't there 20 minutes earlier! And no wax strips in the house.
*so embarassed*
I've been lobbying for a hysterectomy for a year now, the OB/GYN is on board, hubby is the abstaining vote: "But you'll grow a mustache and stuff"
Dude, it's already happened. Let me have the surgery. Think of the money we'll save on maxi pads!

Gen Overeasy said...

Golden-French-Horny-Thingy-Goblet!

Hilarious!

This post caught my eye because, oh my GOD. My body is betraying me too, and it does suck.

(keri)menopause said...

You are hilarious! I love smart, quick witted women. You are both and more!!!