Thursday, September 4, 2008

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Nonsense

If you ever have the opportunity to come and visit me you'll never have to snoop around in my medicine cabinets or under my bathroom sink because I'm nothing if not an open book. These boxes are just two of the various feminine hygiene products I have stashed in several locations throughout the bathrooms of our home. The product on the left is what I like to call an inadvertent purchase. Meaning: all I read was Playtex super regular 36 unscented...grabbed it and ran.

Turns out, the box on the left contain some kind of athletic tampons designed for Olympic gymnasts the active woman. But not just any old active woman; the box clearly states they are for active lifestyles. Where active probably means tennis jogging swimming and some other kind of cardio that involves sweating [let the record show that we at Vintage Thirty frown upon sweating]. The box on the right are your ordinary Gentle Glides for the sedentary. I imagine that semi-active women, for instance, those who mop floors dust lampshades vacuum and run errands fall somewhere in between. [Note to Playtex: We'd like to see a prototype for the Average Housewife and Mother]

FYI: Inserting a sporty tampon does not inspire you to suddenly want to run a marathon. This is not the magic pill you seek for motivation and inspiration, kids. [Because when one thinks "magic" one does not envision a suppository. And who just pictured pulling a rabbit out of a...hat?]

Here is where I destroy two perfectly good tampons for my your entertainment. These will now have to go in the trash. And right now you're saying to yourself, "Tootsie? Don't you realize that there are women in third world countries that don't even HAVE tampons?" Trust me, this was a dilemma with which I grappled.


Let's compare their differences. New improved Sporty tampon on the left boasts a fuller bottom and more grippable applicator for the active vagina. It also contains tampon technology that includes an anti-leak back up layer [think: Jennifer Hudson's "Effie White" to Beyonce's "Deena Jones" in Dreamgirls...or something]. Gentle Glide on the right provides: "incredible comfort with a unique two-layer, cross pad design that opens equally all around" for all of that sitting and laying down and the eventual making of the beds.

I should mention that the Gentle Glide on the right is a Super-Plus and not from either of the boxes pictured above. It is from a box that is now empty and disposed of. Which begs the real question here: why do I have so many damn tampons? It's like I'm planning for some vaginal Armageddon and expecting NO survivors. You think I'm kidding? We haven't even discussed the panty liners and feminine napkins in my possession. Take comfort in knowing that if you're ever a guest in my home and your special friend pays a visit you will not have to resort to wadding up toilet paper and placing it strategically in your underpants. And risk that sucker working its way down the leg of your trousers.

72 comments:

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Q: What do you call a bloody tampon?

A: A vampire's teabag.

Sorry, I'm under the influence of mass doses of antibiotics over here.

Seriously? Sporty tampons? Thank God menopause is approaching.

dorothy said...

I totally laughed out loud when I read "And risk that sucker working its way down the leg of your trousers." And then I was all.. ew.

Zoeyjane said...

I am so thoroughly unimpressed with the ones on the left, I'm going on althetic hiatus. I can no longer be sporty cuz really? They just couldn't keep up.

Your Pal Pinki said...

Classy blog post, Tootsie. We can always count on you to educate, inform and tickle our funny bone. : )

Sam said...

Hmmm, I too have boxes and boxes of the stuff in my cupboards as when I go shopping I can never seem to remember whether I have enough at home!! And of course, it is the one thing that I daren't run out of!

O'Neal (The woman in charge around here) said...

You GO GIRL! I was wondering how you were going to turn all the ugly around and spin it back to the happy Tootsie regular programming! I SO wish I was in your carpool! ;) You just plain out rock!

As far as "those feminine" things go...I don't even think I have any. Not since LAST NOV, which is great in my opinion- I <3 YAZ!

Wait, never mind, I do. Hubby inherited a 1/2 box from MIL when she passed 4 years ago. Are they still good? Or are they like Starburst, as long as they're still in the wrapper,they're good!

standing still said...

This. Is. VINTAGE. Thirty.

Daalelli said...

"And risk that sucker working its way down the leg of your trousers."
You are the woman! However you may have to get me a job due to the fact that I keep laughing inappropriatly loud(ly?) at work!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Where does the word "tampon" come from, anyway?

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Tootsie,

Wow. This is really....enlightening? no, not quite. informative? not exactly. educational? perhaps a bit. more like - what the hell? Where did this come from?

Why DO you have so many damn tampons?

KEEP BELIEVING

Debbie said...

This is posting at its best. Love it! I just found you and I'm glad I did.

Just The Girl said...

Such a funny yet great post! I really was woundering what the sport one looked like...thank you!

Madge said...

so thank you. before reading this post i was in a grumpy sort of bad mood. but i laughed so hard my whole day is better. tootsie, you saved my day. and with tampons! you are a wonder.

Madame Queen said...

Just don't ever accidentally grab the store brand by mistake. Big mistake. Big.

Laura said...

The first time you ever used one you never thought you could do it. Then, it was "give me the biggest one made"! Early menopause - there is nothing better! Well, not counting those hot flashes . . . . .

April E. :) said...

"It's like I'm planning for some vaginal Armageddon and expecting NO survivors"

SERIOUSLY I am DYING over here!!! haha!

See all this mess is why I don't wear them devil sticks :) haha

Lisa Milton said...

You ARE prepared.

Too funny.

Ann said...

My god, I thought I was "sporty" - and here I've been using tampons meant for dusting and shit. See? Now THIS is the kind of public service I need.

Burgh Baby said...

Why is Sporty Tampon's applicator green? What does that mean? Is it some sort of political statement?

Kaye Butler said...

I cleaned YARM13YOL's room last night, (translation, she's in trouble so I cleaned room...how is that punishment?) Anyway I found the most amazing colletction of pads in the most odd places and thought...I should post about pads and tampons...great minds think alike...

MamaHenClucks said...

This is the kind of posting that makes me happy I stumbled upon the blogging world. What an incredibly funny way to start my day! I'm really, really glad you showed the difference between the two because really, sporty? I was wondering how it could possibly be any different.

Caution Flag said...

I have spent decades never thinking about these options. Now I have a teen-age daughter, and we buy every product. I don't mean any disrespect to God, but I do want a chance to talk to him about what he was thinking when he invented periods.

Anna Marie said...

Thank you Mirena, I no longer HAVE periods. But if I did I definitely wouldn't qualify for the sporty tampon. Nope, not even a little bit.

Sue said...

This may be my favorite post ever! I am feeling very unprepared for this vaginal Armageddon, so I'm adding tampons to the grocery list. I think I'm going to go sporty though - just for the hell of it. (And AMEN on the store brands - OUCH! And that is from a vagina that has pushed 4 kids out.)

Thanks for my morning giggle.

Jamie said...

OMG! That was hysterical.

Jennifer H said...

And I'm the girl who's always searching through every purse in her house, trying to find one single tampon...since, apparently, even after 25 years my period is still a big surprise. Never prepared. But now, I'll just hop over to your house.

I think you've covered the whole spectrum of special needs tampons. (...What?)

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Okay WEIRD...The tampons, not the post. I think the post is brilliant, not that my opinon counts or anything. I have a wide variety of feminine hygiene products and I don't even have a uterus anymore. At least my friends are covered.

katydidnot said...

frick. i should not have read this at work, with my earbuds in and maroon 5 yowling at me at ear-splitting levels. because here i was guffawing at this post, like out loud, where out loud, means VERY LOUD, and turned around and the CEO and two other colleagues were standing behind me wondering why i was guffawing at tampons.

warning: do not read tootsie at work with earbuds in on Tampon Thursdays.

katydidnot said...

and cheri...ewwww.

mommy2twinkies-Deb said...

Don't frown on me for marathon training, but I will say that I've tried the sporty ones, but stick with the super ones... :-)

georgie said...

This is one of the BEST posts I have read ina while I LOVED it! Has to be the "classiest" tampon post EVA!

Manic Mommy said...

Wanna know something? I actually bought the green ones - and I like them better. Because
a.) the grippable applicator and
b.) things have 'shifted' somewhat since giving birth.

I'll say no more. Thank you for this informative and entertaining read.

Amy said...

Even though I'm sick I was still able to get a good laugh (before that caused the hacking cough to come back!)

Thanks for the good laugh! (And nothing else funny until I get better!)

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I could probably scare something up for you if you were at my house, but I'm all about the continuous birth control pill--2 periods a year when I want to schedule them? Sold.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Okay, if Aunt Flo comes to town, you have every room ready for her--that's what I call hospitality. I never understood "lifestyle" tampons.

Vallen said...

I'm so glad I was hysterized or um, something-ized. No longer an issue. Yay!!!

AGSoccerMom said...

Well done, I am still cracking up.

Stu said...

Do the sporty ones come with a free volleyball or track shoes?

This is why I come to this blog; it is topical to the daily hurtles of the average guy...

-Stu

Mrs. Mogul said...

HAha! I have buy the brick sanitary pads for after the birth!

Melissa said...

OMG, I'm speechless...and that's saying a lot!!

EatPlayLove said...

AAh, Tootsie I really think we do have some odd connection, as just this morning I was tearing open a box of my plain ol' tampax with cardboard applicators, when a mini box of "silky or gentle glides" popped out first.

I thought to myself, for real? I gave birth twice, do I really need a smooth applicator?

Karen said...

I'm seriously disappointed that sporty tampons do not produce masses of energy. I'd find a way to wedge a few into myself at once.

Swirl Girl said...

This CRACKED ME THE FUCK UP!!!!

sorry to curse in the comment, but seriously woman - you gotta send this to someone somewhere for something big.

I remember thinking to myself when I went from Hysterectomy to removal of Gallbladder (in 2006) withing 2 weeks of each other...

Gee- I'll be able to ride horseback while eating fettucini alfredo now.

Friggin' tampons, made for a woman by a man who wants to make money.

Star said...

It's obvious that the sporty one is supposed to match a sporty green outfit.

Cute But Psycho said...

Yes, but what we all really want to know is how well those tampons PLUG A LEAK IN A ROWBOAT? Because, really, we all know that's the best use for tampons.

(Tell me you've seen that heinous commercial.)

Baby Favorite said...

I hate when I use my cute but psycho (inactive) blogger acct by mistake.

Marcy Writes - The Glamorous Life said...

You get funnier and more inappropriate with every post. You are my hero.

AND my tampon connection if ever there is a shortage. Ya know. Like rice. In china.It could happen.

The Introvert said...

I sooo do not miss my monthly friend. However, now I am utterly unprepared for any strange mishaps or desperate guests. It's every woman for herself.

The Stiletto Mom said...

Could Sporty Tampon be the catalyst to a new group of Super Tampons? You know, like the Spice Girls...only for bloated, grouchy women? And yes, it's about that time for me...must go find "fat pants" now.

Sue said...

OMG, I wonder if my vagina was a sporty one when it mattered. Since the ole hysterectomy, I haven't had a tampon in the house in years! Thank you so much for filling me in on a few of the different choices. My girls will need me to be up on things like sporty vaginas in a year or 2. Ugh.

Eve Grey said...

Yes! A plethora of pads and tampons. You're a woman after me own heart ya are.

Mel, A Dramatic Mommy said...

I used to work at a radio station. A company sent one of the on-airs a case of thong pantyliners. She didn't want them so they were divied up.

I have, I think, 6 packages of liners I don't like that have moved with me three times. I think throwing them away would be wasteful but who am I going to give them to? And how to offer them up?

All Adither said...

Oh my gosh. I can't believe you posted this. Am laughing hysterically. Which was just what I needed.

By the way, you should get the cardboard applicators because they're biodegradable and not made of petroleum products.

BusyDad said...

You know what? In my 36+ years as a male, I have never been educated on the finer distinctions between tampon varietals. Thank you for the education. What I'll do with it I'll never know, but can't one just enjoy learning for learning's sake?

seachange said...

Whatever marketing ploys Playtex and all the other companies want to use to distinguish themselves, are lost on me.

I don't need their products any more!!!! HURRAH!!!!!!

Great educational and witty post Ms. Farklepants :-) Thanks for keeping me up to date on this stuff. Now I can talk intelligently w/ Kate, about her needs. :-)

Backpacking Dad said...

"Vaginal Armageddon" is the name of my new band.

mysecondjournal said...

OMG what a brilliant twat stuffer post.. love it!

I have to tell you, I can't use either one. I...at almost 42..cannot use an applicator, never could. I have to take it out of the applicator and stuff it..Well if I was borrowing from you..

I'm an OB gal..small, medium, large, larger and mondo tampons available.

Anna See said...

I'm cracking up about the sporty spice tampon! I'm pretty much a sloth, so I guess I can just stick w/ good old super.

Mama Dawg said...

I can not believe that you posted tampons on the internets. That's GREAT!!!!!

Annie said...

Wow! Who knew?
I'd be happy to just insert one in peace as my 3 year old seems to have a period sensor and likes to come into the bathroom with me where I apparently put them "up your butt!"

Mary Anna said...

I'm shocked I don't have any sporties! My cabinets runneth over with feminine products - I could stock a junior high girls' locker room! (And, I've only had 3 periods in the last 2 years!)

And, cardboard applicators? WTF?

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

You know when you said that the Sporty tampon was for women with an "Active Lifestyle", I thought it meant for women who wish to have lots of sex during "that time of the month".

JCK said...

Only you...only you, My Toots! Hilarious.

This Mom said...

I totally love how your mind works. I NEVER would have pull them out to compare and then post about it.

I laughed so hard I cried and thenI peed a little thanks.

g said...

Ah, capitalism! More and more products uniquely designed for your individual lifestyle!!!!

"A tampon - designed for active women like me!"

Hey - here's another question - you said you bought unscented tampons, right?

What the heck is the point of SCENTED tampons? Are there choices? Good god!!! "Let's see, how about Floral Fresh? That will blend nicely with the smell of menses!" Euuwwwhhh!

Michelle Kemper Brownlow said...

I almost peed my pants reading this post - could you use a tampon to keep from doing that? Hmmmm, new use for your many boxes of "plugs"!

Marmarbug said...

Okay I am so repeating cheri's joke!
And I wonder WHY the sporty applicator is so thin? I mean do athletic women have more narrow vaginas?

Colleen said...

I'm concerned that Playtex thinks "athletic and active" women have wider va-jay-jays. Is it from all that stretching-out and stuff? If so, I think I'd rather stay sedentary.

~annie said...

Hysterical!

Stacey said...

Sporty tampons?
Wow, the USA is really the land of choice, isn't it? We just have normal and large ones (who admits to having a large vagina?) here in Australia.
Perhaps the sporty one is the first in a new Spice Girls line of tampons. I wonder what Scary or Posh tampons will look like?

Angie said...

Oh criminy! That was funny!!!

Thanks for the tampon education.

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