Please Hold While We Transfer this Blog

Yep! I'm moving over here ...it's fresh, it's new, it's lean, it's...whatever, I'm dropping the Vintage Thirty (although everything here is staying here) and keeping the Tootsie. Please come visit, update your readers (do people still do that?) and whatever else needs updating! See you in the new place!

Excuse Me While I Slip a Sudden Intuitive Realization into Your Tuesday Morning

I was recently posed the question from a mother of a toddler:

How do you make yourself more interesting to your spouse when all that goes on in your day is kid related? I feel like I have nothing to talk about.

At the time it was asked, my Johnny-on-the-spot answer was something along the lines of there will be moments in your marriage when you feel you have nothing of interest to say and other times when neither of you shuts up. And unfortunately we've been conditioned to believe that meals shared in silence either signifies problems, or worse(?), that you're comfortable with each other because "comfort" has been given a bad rap. And heaven forbid we be comfortable with our spouse and who we are because "comfort" equals "boredom" and boredom breeds problems, real or imagined. And then we waste precious stress trying to become interesting. And ohmygod I could really go on for like three days about just being who you are and quit trying so damn hard.

Then I had an epiphany of sorts. If you're a married couple with children that IS a huge part of your life and who you are and it SHOULD be interesting to the person who helped create these people [however, this does not apply to other adults, like say, at a cocktail party with your spouses coworkers, where discussing the significance of the consistency and hue of poop might be met with...well, not the kind of interest you seek]. That equally important person in those children's lives should embrace the news of the events of the day that surround their child(ren). Ear infections, first words, finger foods, immunizations, and six wipe alarm blow-out diapers may not be SEXY or INTELLECTUAL, but they should damn well be interested in it. And if they're not then they should probably pull themselves aside and have a nice long chat about why that is.

Children are only children for such a short period of time before they're off creating lives of their own that may or may not involve you. And before you know it you're closing the chapter in your life entitled Parent to a Small Child. It should be a chapter that is relished, gobbled up, and hard to put down because it's the shortest chapter in the big book of life; and not treated as a void that needs to be filled until it passes.

It has Open Can of Worms Potential

If you knew me in my life outside this blog you would quickly learn that I am not one to tolerate drama. I do that by not getting involved in it in any way shape or form if it can be at all helped. If I know you (general real life you) to be a proverbial pot-stirrer; I will avoid you. I like my life comfortable, boring, and predictable. All grossly underrated attributes in my humble opinion.

Against my better judgment, and putting my comfort threshold at risk, I'm going to address a comment from yesterday's post. In yesterday's post I used the following scenario for my argument:

I once casually followed a woman around Target. Why? Because I wanted to see if she would really follow through with counting to ten and then getting in the car. Her son was busy in the back of the shopping cart throwing the grand mal tizzy to end all tizzies; hurling objects to and fro [also interchangeable with hither and yon]; basically acting like your average terrible two. Except he was about five. It was around the time that she had threated to "count to ten and then they were going to get in the car and I mean it!" for about the fourth time [at least that I heard] when I grew curious if she did, in fact, mean it. After she'd made the threat several times over, and by then had counted to infinity times pi squared; I finally grew bored with the scenario and, frankly, had run out of shopping to do.

I left. They did not. For all I know she's still there. Counting and threatening. And bobbing and weaving.

And it would seem that I ruffled a feather or two. The following comment from christina shaver prompted thought that just wouldn't leave my head until I wrote it down.

"Please stop judging other parents.

It could have been me at Target. And if it were and I knew you'd written this about me, I'd have a field day.

You would never know by looking at him, but I have a kid with special needs, and while it is no excuse for his behavior, it is still the reality that I need to deal with. Typical parenting does NOT work with kids who have special needs.

It could be entirely possible that this particular mom was just buying time and trying to keep a lid on things while she finished up some shopping. Taking it to the next level could very well have caused an explosion that would be way more unacceptable in public than what you witnessed. And maybe it was her decision that she needed to get these items more than she needed to deal with a blowout.

When you raise a kid with special needs, you're constantly having to choose between two lousy situations. That's something that I don't think most parents of "typical" kids understand."

First of all, we all judge other parents to some degree whether we say so out loud or not. There's nothing wrong with making judgments since it's how we determine our choices. If I were to send one of my kids to another's house for a play date, you'd better believe I judge that parent and their abilities before I send my child over to their care for the afternoon...

[and in some cases I've chosen to stay myself and supervise, like that one time? When I was friendly with another mom in Boy-Child#1's kindergarten class? And we would occasionally get together after school? But her son was kind of an ass to Boy-Child#1? And then he hit Boy-Child#1 in the face which shocked Boy-Child#1 because he was all, the hell? And said friendly mother handled the situation by assuring her son that instead of the TEN toys from Toys R Us he was promised, he was only going to get SIX. Yeah. Okay. buh-bye, then].

True story.

Secondly, my argument and point in yesterday's post was about parents who don't set boundaries [or the boundaries are inconsistent] and deliver hollow threats that have no real consequences; which can lead to negative behavior in the child. Let us say for a moment that the woman in the example illustrated above is a mother to a special needs child . Here is where I'll utilize the bullet points:

• If your child's misbehavior is caused by his special needs then you wouldn't be issuing the threat of counting to 10 and going to the car because you would already know that it would be ineffective.
• If you're issuing the aforementioned threat without intending to follow through and with the knowledge that it is ineffective, you are doing that child a disservice.
• If you're "just buying time and trying to keep a lid on things while finishing up shopping" and doing it by issuing hollow threats, you're still being inconsistent and doing your child a disservice. And if buying time means allowing him to hurl objects that don't belong to you but rather the store, is also unacceptable.
• If a parent isn't "willing to take it to the next level that may cause an explosion that would be more unacceptable that what was witnessed" is no excuse to say they are going to do something with the intent of doing nothing.

As you can see, I don't see much of a difference in raising a child with special needs and a "typical" child. The fundamentals are the same: setting boundaries that are appropriate for the child and adhering to them.

P.s. I also disagree that when you raise a child with special needs that you are constantly having to choose between two lousy situations. There are several women who are mother's to special needs children who read this blog (and I their's) and they have the most beautiful things to say about raising their children. While they may admit to challenges and frustrations I've yet to see any of them use any form of the word "lousy" when detailing parenting their children.

P.p.s. While I appreciate your apology you sent via email, it isn't necessary and you certainly don't owe me one. You're entitled to your opinion. Don't apologize for it.

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Thank God it's Friday. And it is. I just checked. Monday I thought it was Tuesday. Tuesday I thought it was Wednesday, and Wednesday I thought it was...nope! Not Thursday. Friday. So basically, I'm just lost. Because it's summer vacation and with the kids home I honestly wasn't sure what day of the week it was. And the date? All I can say is you should be glad that I use my debit card for everything and you aren't stuck in line behind me while I'm trying to fill out a check.


Ann from Velvet Lava sent a lovely email seeking my opinion on matching undergarments.

************************

Hi Tootsie -

Hope all is wonderful and whoopie cushions in your neck of woods, darlin'! I so love visiting your blog every darn day - it brightens my morning. Well, not that it needs much more brightenin' - what with the scorching Phoenix sun over here. Anywho! I have a question for your advice column! Woot! Here ya go:

Okay Toots, I have a friend who insists that all women should wear matching bras and panties every stinkin' solitary day! Who the Farkle has time for that and am I the only one who doesn't DO this? Or is Miss Matchypants in need of medication here? A bitch slap? WHAT?

That is all!

Air kisses,
Ann

***********************

It may rock my readers to their very core to learn, especially after my admission of dashboard adornments and last weeks marital advice; that when it comes to my bras and panties I'm more fashion practical that I am concerned with weather or not they match. For instance, if I'm wearing a white skirt and a black top, I choose my undergarments accordingly (nude undies and a black bra). In my opinion, it is more important that your unmentionables are virtually undetectable to passerby than the aesthetic pleasantness of color and fabric coordination. ALL THAT BEING SAID - It's a personal choice. While I do have time to do all that matching [and I DO make time especially in those situations where I know they'll be seen and in a heap on the floor in about .08 seconds] this becomes a costly practice. And it's not like I walk around looking like a schlub underneath. I keep things cute. Never underestimate the power of Lacy Little Nothings. Wear those and I dare you to ask him the color of your eyes AND your bra. He'll be all, You HAVE eyes? And what's a B-R-A?

I also have a friend that not only adheres to the same belief as your own friend; on special occasions she insists that her mani-pedi also coordinate with her underthings. And I've yet to meet one single male who notices or cares if your nails match your g-string and lace demi-cups. Although, my wedding anniversary is coming up. Perhaps a scientific study is in order. With graphs and copious photo evidence.

I should also note that if it simply makes you feel good to know that you're rockin' the Casbah underneath that business suit, then by all means, rock on.

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen Saturday Edition

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Today's question is brought to you by Jessie from Jason Loves Jessie and it's GULP relationship advice Tootsie runs screaming from her computer screen.

Tootsie,

Your blog has become my daily dose of humor as well as smart advice. Really, I think you are fantastic. Mostly I admire the great relationship you seem to have with your husband, which leads me to my question. How do I get my husband to pay attention to me and stop neglecting me for video games? Also, how do I get him to value my opinion and feel like my needs matter?

Thank you kindly,

Jessie

First of all, thank you for the wonderful compliments! I'm not even kidding when I say that you have no idea how an email like this absolutely makes my day! Now, on to the advice:

I generally avoid giving relationship advice, even to my closest friends, because no one is in a position to judge save for the two people in said relationship. Instead I will offer some general points of interest that I have learned along the way, navigating my way through the minefield we call marriage (12 years next month!):

• Communicate!!! But do it when you're both engaged in the conversation (i.e. not while video games are being played) otherwise one or both of you will end up unnecessarily frustrated. (For instance, I don't talk to Mr. Farklepants during "How It's Made").
  
• People don't change unless they want to. In other words: "Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It just frustrates you and annoys the pig"
• Make sure you each know what the other's needs are. (Falls under the "Communicate" category. I'm often amazed at how people just assume their mate can read their minds I'm looking at you women of the world)
• Have sex often.
  
• It's not you it's me. Seriously? Sometimes we they just need some "me" time and it has nothing to do whatsoever with the relationship. (File under the "Needs" category)
• Find a common interest/hobby that you can enjoy together. It will allow you to spend time together having fun -which is way better than fighting about not having fun- and will also give you something to talk about (i.e. there's that communication thing again) (another i.e.? Learn to play video games. Just don't kick his ass at it all the time they like to win)
• If you fart in the car roll the window down. That's just good sense.
  
• Don't sweat the small stuff (seriously, whomever coined that is a genius)
  
• Randomly blow him when he's not expecting it. And do it well.
  
• Let them handle the problems with YOUR inlaws.
  
• Just because the honeymoon phase ends doesn't mean the marriage is over. It's just evolved. And if you end it too soon you miss the part where the honeymoon phase reemerges and oh lawdy-hallelujah! (i.e. appreciate and patience)
• Have more sex.
• A hand job every now and then doesn't hurt either.
  
• Sometimes he's just in a bad mood and kind of an ass. Sometimes I am too. Don't take it personally.
  
• Every once in a while pull the car over on the side of the road and inappropriately grope one another.
• Learn to recognize their behavior. (If he comes home quiet and sullen from work now is not a good time to discuss those things that need to be repaired around the house not that I learned this the hard way or anything).
• Be friends. Enjoy each other's company. This comes in handy when you're doing stuff like spending the rest of your lives together.
• Opposites can attract but make sure you have the same goals. It makes for disappointment otherwise.
  

I hope this helps you! Now that I've crossed "saving marriages" off my list of things to do, next up? World peace.

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Titus Livius wrote "Potius sero quam numquam". Translation "Better late than never". So I bring you Friday's advice column five days past its due date. Titus Livius also wrote "Sic deinde, quicumque alius transiliet moenia mea!" Translation: "And so be damned, whomever shall jump over my walls!". So consider your visit today one of those "at your own risk" deal-e-ohs.

Q: The Madame Queen has lack of tanning needs: "I have a problem when I'm out in the sun. For some reason, my legs (particularly my shins and calves) never seem to tan at the same rate as the rest of my body. I've tried all kinds of positions (get your mind out of the gutter!) to maximize sun exposure and nothing seems to work. Self tanners are out b/c once I start to get real sun the fake stuff just looks, well, fake. Help me, Tootsie. Any advice?"

A: Well, since I can't willingly suggest sunbathing or tanning beds because melanoma is the anti-sexy and rumored to be...what's the word I'm looking for?....oh yeah deadly; I suggest getting a spray tan from your local spa. I have never tried this myself but I do have a friend who has a similar issue as you with the whole "my legs won't tan" thing. And the spray tan looks great on her. Not orangey like you'd picture it. It can be pricey though, so perhaps save this technique for special occasions. And my mind was not in the gutter. It was trapped in the pages of the Kamasutra, thankyouverymuch.

Q: Anglophilefootballfanatic is a very patient woman: "You never answered my ?s from two weeks ago. Just sayin'."

A: I cannot find them in my inbox. They are not in my box of rocks. I'd love to answer them for you, Ma'am. Please resubmit, AnglophilefootballFAN.

Q: Standing Still seeks toe shade advice: "Favorite nail color for toes for this summer? And, please, nothing green, or blue, or black. I am older than that trend can handle. Merci!"

A: Okay, I'll answer but only because you said "please" in French. Green, blue, or black should not be on anyone's nails and I don't care what the runways are sporting this season. Hey, if I was a high fashion model and regularly skipped meals resulting in impaired judgment then I'd probably be willing to give it a try. But I'm not. I am a tried and true go with what looks good on you kinda gal. And my favorite colors on me are pinks in neutral tones. I don't really do bright colors. And, in my book, the same rule applies to makeup. Fads can be dangerous. Look how many people suffered with the thong leotard and leg warmers.

Q: Cheri is curious about the men on my street in my life: "Is the neighbor hawt (because he's helpful)? Is Mr. Farklepants hawt (because his comment makes me think he's funny and plays nicely with others)? I already know Tootsie is hawt and she has good taste in clothes."

A: No. The neighbor is not hawt. Nor is he hot, or hott. Nice, yes, but he's not any kind of hot. Yes, Mr. Farklepants is hawt. My opinion may be biased, however. It's not really his appearance that gets me all to wanting to make the sexy time with him, though. It's his sense of humor and his brain. The man is ridiculously smart. He and I have an agreement that his picture is not to be posted on my blog. But he pretty much is a dead ringer for Hugh Grant, but only when Hugh Grant is smiling.

(This is Hugh Grant and not Mr. Farklepants just to be clear)

Q: The Stay at Home Mom Going Quickly Insane seeks blog traffic advice: "I remember when I first started reading your blog, I would go through and read several entries & comment and I would be the only commenter. However you have a meteoric rise to Internet Power and now approximately a fulfillion commenters on each & every entry. Any advice for someone who would like to experience same? And please do not say read more blogs and comment on more blogs. If I read any more blogs my husband is going to feature me on the back of a milk carton. Please tell me there is a magic pill or cream that can give me the same results and that if I call now to order I can get twice as much for the same price only paying for the extra shipping and handling."

A: I wish I knew! I'm consistently amazed and flattered that people take the time out of their busy day to traipse over here and read my silly words. And I DO keep it silly because real life can totally NOT be. It also helps that I have a husband who spends just as much time on his computer as I do mine so he doesn't even realize I'm absent he's not allowed to whine. And I will not say what you asked me not to say. I will let Mrs. G do it because she DID it and very well at that.

*Hugh Grant photo lifted from Google Images

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Since I had nary a submitted question to answer, I revert to everyone's favorite brand of advice: Unsolicited. The following pictures are from the first 30 or so pages of my recent issue of Allure Magazine. It would appear as though the marketing directors got together and had a little meeting about what is so hot right now. And the memo said: Green.

Totally want this shirt from H&M even if just to wear around the house.

I prefer the Matrix Sleek Look line but then it doesn't come in green.

I totally thought that Zeno wanted to be an iPod when it grew up but upon closer inspection it would appear that I was completely off with regards to its purpose; unless iPods are used for pimple treatments (note to self: consult teenager and conduct study. Seek grant). The photo opposite the zit zapper thingy is an ad for O.P.I. nail polish. Which every time I see makes me want to hang out in Mayberry with little Ronnie Howard, eating Aunt Bea's pies, and congregating with town drunks in a cozy jail cell I mean who doesn't.

Be delicious? Who is this supposed to appeal to? People who want to be consumed? By what? Circus bears? The SNL land shark? Oh wait, other humans. I think I'll pass on being delicious and just demand that DKNY promise that their perfume will make me be that model.

(Not really in the magazine):

My eyes!! OHMYEFFINGGOD My bleeding eyes! Make this stop! The color! The length! The fabric! What are they supposed to be? Shorts? Pants? Knickers? Completely and utterly hideously unattractive? Because they totally nailed that last option. JC Penny? Your white sales will not make up for this. Please knock it off.

Green...blah...blah... St. Ives...green... nature.

Pure & Natural...blah...blahh...green...pure....green....natural.

Burts Bees...blahh...blahhhh....take a bath in a creek...blahh...green.

Biore...blahhhh....blahhhhh...triple action...with a green bow....

What is happening here is a subtle case of desensitization of the masses. Overuse of the message to "go green" in scenarios that it doesn't apply distracts from those whose message serves a real purpose. Conserve energy. Be water wise. Recycle. Don't be a litter bug. Clean air. Elevated methane levels brought on by the need to fuel our mass burger consumption. ETCETERA.

Subliminal "go green" messages in ads for nail polish, acne cream, and perfume? You are guilty of coat tail riding and are doing a disservice to the cause. So please stop it.

************************

Speaking of green sort of: Last night my neighbor arrived home to find me beating his tree with an extremely long paint roller handle extender pole [there's got to be a shorter name for that we'll call it a stick], like it was 11:59pm on Cinco de Mayo and it was the last piñata in a 50 mile radius.

Me: (sheepish) uhhh...hi.
Him: ....... (slow smile)
Me: I've got a rocket** stuck in your tree. that's what she said
Him: Need some help? smooth
Me: How you doin' Sure! sultry approach
Him: It's really stuck in there.
Me: ....
Him: Let me hit it from another angle
Me: Say my name! I did manage to get the shoe down.
Him: I think I got it!
Me: a little to the left One more should do it!
Him: I got it!

Then he ducked when my rocket fell towards his face. I will leave you with that image.

**Boy-Child#2 has one of those Air Hog rockets which got stuck in the highest branches of the tree. Along with his shoe that he threw at it. All very innocent yet awkward.

**UPDATED SCROLL TO BOTTOM** Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Slogan of the day:

Next to the Breast, Tootsie Farklepants's the Best.

Enter a word for your own slogan:

Generated by the Advertising Slogan Generator. Get more tootsie farklepants slogans.

Q: Standing Still pretty much answers her own question: "Question. Age 45 and linebacker thighs. Not the thinnest they've been Shorts? I'm thinking, "not." Thanks."

A: I'm not a big shorts lover to begin with. Skirts, yes. Shorts, no. I've worn them, of course, but if you want to beat the heat then a skirt (just above the knee or longer) really is the way to go. Not only is there more air circulation but they're great sin hiders. Shorts make me think of kids and/or tourists. Skirts are classy even when casual and your sweaty legs won't stick to the seat when you try to get up.

Q: JCK of Motherscribe seeks smooth legs: "What is the best razor? And do you use shaving cream? I am known to go a day(s!!) without shaving, but if I try to shave every day I get nicked-up legs. Yet, if I go more than one day the sharpness of the hair is akin to Cactus thorns. The poor Sot husband has to wear armor to combat the razor burn from my legs! Help??"

A: I cannot even fathom shaving without shaving cream! I know I used plain ol' soap in those early years but I've assigned that memory to the dark parts of my brain that I no longer have access too. I use Skintimates shaving cream for dry skin for anything that needs shaving. And I use Venus disposable razors because I use a new one every time for the best results (I just cannot type that word without first typing "resluts"...dyslexia or something else?). The best is if you can manage a day or two in between so that there's a little growth to contend with. So? Can you? Can you manage to keep your legs to yourself for a day or two? Perhaps consult the Kamasutra for some tips on positions that don't involve your legs? I know it's on your bedside table, JCK. Don't lie.

Q: Inzaburbs seeks smoothness a little farther north: "While on the subject of razors - when replying to jck please be sure to include bikini line advice! I am committed to going to the pool every day this summer and do not want to wear one of those little skirty things that have made a resurgence."

A: Ooohhhh...Vag talk! My favorite! For the most attractive bikini line I recommend a wax. That is, if you can tolerate it AND afford it. And aren't shy since depending on what you need removed from where, your esthetician could be your new bestest friend; seeing parts of you that you yourself are physically incapable of witnessing. This was once common practice in my grooming rituals but like I said, it's pricey. Eventually, we sat down and had to have a imaginary serious discussion - just like countless married couples nationwide, I'm sure - about just how much of our household budget was being spent on my vagina. I mean, our oldest is going to need braces soon. A wax lasts about 3 weeks. So if you get it done just after you finish your period, it should last until you start again and during the time you are, um, occupied with a feminine hygiene product of some sort, this is when the regrowth can be allowed to flourish and you'll be ready for your next appointment. Seriously though, if you're just doing it for the summer, this is a good way to go. ~ how many men are still here? Raise your hand.

Q: OHMommy seeks parenting advice for the stubborn child: "How do you deal with a stubborn middle child that refuses to eat her green veggies?"

A: I'm probably the worst source for this particular advice considering my oldest child lived on Eggo Homestyle waffles for two years of his life and probably just barely dodged a raging case of scurvy. I know that Jessica Sienfeld thinks she's so original with her Deceptively Delicious ways, but mothers have been hiding veggies in their kids meals forEVER. If that doesn't work, consult your local pharmacist about making them into suppositories. Any child faced with that choice will happily take their veggies orally. If not, consult a therapist.

Q: Cheri has today's hair related question: "I'm thinking about the "Heather Armstrong on the Today show haircut." What do you think? It looks FABULOUS and even holds up under the dissin' of a couple of mean girls. It is hawt and could come in handy at PTA meetings . . ."

A: It is hot and you totally should! The "Dooce" would do for hair in the millennium like the "Rachel" did for the '90's. And it would probably draw in a whole new demographic of non-blog reading women who would be all, "who knew what I was missing?". I personally can't pull off a bob. It makes my chin and my neck appear to be one sole functioning organ and it ain't pretty. But if you aren't plagued by that particular kind of nasty, then go for it!

Q: The Mom Bomb is stumped by a critter from Nick Jr.: "Oh: another question for Prof. Farklepants! What the hell is "Uniqua" from Backyardigans? A bug? We could never figure it out."

A: What the hell is Uniqua?! Other than the fact that she's clearly a female judging by her name, why, she can't be filed neatly away in some category just to appease us! Our need for everything being just 'so'! She is intentionally vague. And she's all, "I'm Uniqua and I'm unique! The name says it all, so just deal" and then she gave three snaps up in Z-formation. And, I believe? Rolled her eyes and sucked breath through her teeth at us. She's becoming a bit of a prima donna from all the attention she gets.

***UPDATED***

Q: Karen at The Rocking Pony sent these questions via email AND I TOTALLY MISSED IT: "Okay, that's it. I've had it. What is there to do about sorting socks when you do laundry? With all the kids wearing similar sizes it's hard to know who's is who's. I HATE SORTING SOCKS. What do I do to avoid this? I've tried having the kids do this for me (because it's mostly their socks) but they don't really pull through like I'd hoped."

And I'm also looking for a lip gloss that works for me. I don't like shiny-glittery and I don't like gooey-sticky. I know you like Carmex (and I do, too) but I like something gives a little more gloss that than. Any suggestions? Thanks for your help. Too bad it's Friday and I have to wait a whole week for answers.

A: First of all I want to apologize that you had to wait, not only until Friday, but until the end of the day because a certain blogger that goes by the name of "Tootsie Farklepants" managed to forget to flag this message in her inbox. We've pulled her aside and had a chat about responsibilities. BUT! Don't feel too bad because Anglophilefootballfatnatic's submitted question has gone completely AWOL. Okay... Honestly? With the socks? Write their name or first initial on the bottom heel. With my daughter being in preschool and socks mandatory, almost every pair she owns has her name written on the bottom. And if your kids don't want to go for that because it's not cool or they think it's lame, or whatever, then they risk wearing mismatched sized socks.

Lipgloss... repeat after me: Cover Girl Wetslicks. I wear it in Iced Berry and Wine Shine. It is not too gooey, sticky, sparkly, or look as if you ate a glitter sandwich for lunch. It's pretty sheer too, which I like. One drawback, and I will be honest, it is not long lasting. You'll have to reapply every couple of hours. But I've been using it for about three years now. Which means it will be discontinued soon.

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Vintage Thirty would like to apologize for the apparent haphazardness of todays post. Tootsie spent a good portion of her evening ignoring her family trying to visit the blogs of all the new readers that stopped by here this week. Then she spent the remainder of the middle of the night not having sex with her husband visiting the advice portion of her brain so that she felt confident that she was giving you her all and not short sheeting your beds. And then? She hit some key on her keyboard and the whole post went POOF! And it wasn't until after she rammed her head through the nearest wall that she remembered to simply click the "back" button and VOILA! Crisis averted.

Q: OHMommy, the super adorable host of Classy Chaos needs THE cream: "I turned thirty last year. I have three kids and three forehead wrinkles. I am really afraid of what my 40s will bring - I actually dislike looking in the mirror and seeing myself age so fast. I have vowed to take better care of my skin by drinking more water and moisturizing my face, neck, and chest every night/day, and using sunscreen. However, the wrinkles will not go away. Without spending hundreds of dollars on fancy creams and botox... what can I get at Target to start minimizing these prominent forehead wrinkles. I am desperately seeking help."

A: Funny how thirty just up and betrays you, isn't it? Although it is no laughing matter and I totally and completely know what you mean. That was around the time that I wished I had started taking better care of my skin when I was twenty. Check out this post for the ultimate skin cream. And really give that stubborn affected (effected? grammar is hard) area nightly massages with the L'Oreal Wrinkle Decrease (night). Because I'm convinced that along with the cream, simply rubbing it on a consistent basis is key. That's what she said.

Q: Shania of Craving Silence is attempting that quandary for the ages: "A question for your next advice session: I'm considering growing out my natural color. Any advice on how to make the grow out phase less painful?"

A: I have to admit that this one has me stumped. Timely too. I just saw a young woman yesterday, whom I'm assuming is an art student at the local Cal Arts college, who is doing just this thing. Her hair was jet black and her very natural mousy blonde roots were about five inches long. But? She's an art student I think and was totally pulling it off. In the event that you aren't also an art student or in some type of edgy profession where you can pull off a grunge look; I suggest investing in some cute hats, scarves, and perhaps cutting your hair as short as you comfortably can. And fortunately those wide headbands that tie all the way around your crown are in right now. So you can pull your hair back into a messy bun and wrap that band around the exposed roots. In the meantime there are mild semi-permanent colors out there (have it professionally done) that can help with the waiting period.

Q: Burgh Baby's Mom is representing the fashion portion of today's column: "Question for you--if I were to go drop $100 on some summer clothes for myself, what should I get?"

A: Now that you're famous spend more! ahem...I imagine you're like most women me and want to get as much as you can for that hundred dollars. I would try to get a few pieces that are mix and matchable thus garnering more outfits than you actually bought. For instance one pair of neutral pants and as many tops as you can with what is left over. You can get away with wearing the pants a couple of days a week and pair it with a different top each time. I don't know if you have a New York and Company near you but they have a great selection for just that sort of thing and their prices are pretty low. They also often have decent sales like 2 for 1 or buy one get one half off things that make you kind of shiver in places you don't like to admit out loud. At least in public. In front of strangers. Or here on a blog for anyone to see. You know what I'm saying.

Q: The San Diego Momma is no poseur: "Now back to my hair. Should I get it cut like Jackie on Work Out? Or is that a poseur cut?"

A: Can I just say that you would totally rock that cut? You would. Since Farrah Fawcett a shag has never been out of style. It may have evolved over the years but it's still a shag. The great thing about that cut is that you can make it into a different hairstyle everyday. Curl it, flat iron it, blow it under, flip it up, smack it flip it rub it down OHHHhh! And it's still long enough to pull it up on those days that it decides to be a bitch.

Q: Anglophilefootballfanatic Has a request and some advice of her own: "Oh, please Ms Farklepants, Ma'am, will you give us a grand finale post with all the pimped out products you've told us we need? Like for Friday even? I can't keep going back in time to see what I have been missing out on. Oh, but my big time recommendation? DHC's Eye Off Shade. It REALLY does make black puffy eyes look stellar."

A: Since you asked, I shall. In fact, I'll bullet point them due to their supreme awesomeness (because supreme awesomeness deserves a bullet point):

• L'Oreal Wrinkle Decrease (Night) ~ for the face
• L'Oreal Professionnel liss extreme cera liss system ~ for le hair
• Garnier Nutritioniste Ultra-Lift anti-wrinkle firming eye cream ~ um, your eyes
• Matrix Sleek.Look shampoo and conditioner
• Dove Energy Glow Daily Moisturizer with Subtle Self-Tanners ~ le fake bake
• L'Oreal Voluminous (not waterproof) mascara (I wear it in black)
• Proactiv Renewing Cleanser ~ just the cleanser. I find the whole system to be very drying of the skin which, in my opinion, accelerated the premature wrinkling of my skin
• Carmex lip balm ~ yes the one for cold sores but it only costs about a buck and blows everything else away for soft lips.
  
  I believe that includes all the products from past posts. My work here is done. For today.

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.

Alternate Title: Miley Cyrus, WTH?!?

Seriously? What where you thinking? You're at the top of your game. A bazillion -give or take a few- young girls idolize you. No one in the world is more popular than you are, right now. What in the stinkin' Christ compelled you to agree to that Vanity Fair photo shoot? Haven't you heard of Britney, Jamie-Lynn, Lindsay Lohan, and one of those Olsen twins? Personally, I don't think the photos are any big deal BUT YOU HAD TO KNOW THE CONTROVERSY THAT IT WOULD CREATE! I don't know if you weren't thinking or just letting others do the thinking for you or if you were just getting a little too cocky. You gave the media gossip gold, sweetheart. They were waiting for exactly this and they didn't even have to wait until you were like twenty. You wasted no time. Who cares if your parents and handlers approved. They aren't you. They don't now have to live with the media circus that will become your life. They won't be stalked or chased down busy streets. Paparazzi won't be waiting impatiently to get that money crotch shot of them. You're on damage control now and unfortunately, I think it's too late. The media will follow your every move. Breaking news about where you shopped, how much you spent, and where you bought your coffee will replace serious issues like how many soldiers were wounded or killed in Iraq today.

So take a time out. Retreat. Stay out of the limelight for a while. And for the love of God, if you do nothing else, wear panties at all times.

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Sometimes I need to listen to my inner voice. I'm told it's wisdom. It could also be common sense. In this case, however, it's vanity and advice to myself. And vanity is cranky.

Dear Tootsie,

So, it's like this: It was foolish of you to make promises that you shouldn't be required to keep. Your hairdresser? The one on maternity leave? The one you vowed you'd wait for? Yes, her. Did she give you any indication as to when she may return? You know, a solid, in stone, written in blood pinkie swear FIRM date? You do realize that she's got that sweet angelic infant nestled at her bosom as I write this and there is a very good chance she may NEVER come back. For what? YOUR hair? Who the hell do you think YOU are, anyway? It's been six weeks since her daughter's birth. It's been since mid-February that your hair received any professional attention, and it totally shows, I might add. It's been four weeks since the incident involving a box containing some hair color. We won't speak of it. Except to say that the hue has evolved into a ghastly shade of BRASSY. With roots. And highlight bleed through. It's not good. So stop wallowing in your guilt about contacting your girlfriend for the phone number to her hairdresser. What else were you to do? Wait infinity? Because I don't think you realize just how long that is. Think immeasurability times pi, squared. Not even close. It's okay that you made an appointment with someone else. You're allowed to do that. Your friend even told you to tell New Hairdresser that you are a friend of hers and New Hairdresser will hook you up. And I think it was outstanding that you figured you'd be more well received if you told her you were Friend's lovahhhh. It shows you have a sense of humor and she might like that in a client. Don't take it personally that they couldn't fit you in until Friday, May 2nd. Friend may not be as well connected as she seems to believe. And New Hairdresser is unaware of the dire situation that has become your hair. I'm sorry I just laughed, I didn't mean too but it's so funny. Have you seen it? She doesn't know that it is a color that cannot be found in nature. She's completely ignorant of the fact that if you inhale deeply enough, your bangs will go right up your nose. She may even shriek when she witnesses the grays sprouting around your hairline like, well, like an old lady there I said it. And I'm not even sorry.

You've got important things coming up in the next few weeks. Family coming into town, meetings about the upcoming 6th grade graduation, and have you forgotten high tea at the Bel Air Hotel for so-n-so's birthday? My GAWD woman you will not be allowed in looking like THAT! They have very fancy standards, you know. Are you kidding me? Did you really think you could pull that off? You need to quit fearing change, Tootsie. Change can be good. Embrace it, and it's... and GODDAMMIT STOP CRYING you big baby! Aherm...

Yours Very Truly,
Tootsie's Inner Voice That Belongs to Vanity and is Fed Up
xoxo

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Q: Holly from Anglophilefootballfanatic kicks it up a notch this week with three THREE questions: 1. How many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie roll lollipop? 2. You hear about getting 3 staples in your wardrobe each season. What 3 do you suggest for this season? 3. And, what would you recommend taking on a trip to Disney that doesn't scream "I'm a Mom?"

A: Holly? Didn't that fricken owl answer your first question when you were like 5 years old? It's not Wuuhuuun. Nor Twoo-whooo. It's Thhhuuhreee! Three. And how pompous was that owl anyway? Looking down his beak at that kid. What a dick. On to question #2; when you say "season" I'm assuming spring? Because it was like 90 degrees at my house yesterday which just screams "SUMMER!!". My recommendations are 1) 3/4 sleeve cardigan, and don't tell your husband, but go with cashmere. Because? YUMMY! 2) These pants are in my closet and look amazing on, in a very Katie Holmes kind of way. She may have questionable taste in men but when it comes to fashion she's at the top of her game. Pair it with a simple white tank top and a bright chunky necklace! Which brings us to 3) Shoes. Think wedge. The answer to your third question is so obvious: Johnny Depp.

And now for everyone's favorite brand of advice: UNSOLICITED

In a recent article, obstetrician Michel Odent (you'll note that I don't refer to him as "Dr. Michel Odent" because no where in the article is he referenced as such. It's a British paper and I have no idea about its legitimacy or if it's their version of The Enquirer) describes "why he believes that when a woman goes into labour, her partner should stay well away". And his opinion is this:

"That there is little good to come for either sex from having a man at the birth of a child. For her, his presence is a hindrance, and a significant factor in why labours are longer, more painful and more likely to result in intervention than ever. As for the effect on a man - well, was I surprised to hear a friend of mine state that watching his wife giving birth had started a chain of events that led to the couple's divorce? Or another lady describing how the day after her husband had watched her deliver their child, he had fled to his hometown of Rome, and never returned again? For many men, the emotional fallout of watching their partner have their baby can never be overcome."

Uh-huh. I see. The poor tender dears. Childbirth is messy and not nearly as sexy as conception. I understand. What's that? Oh you were going to tell us how you came to this scientific conclusion? Go ooonnnnn...

"When I was first involved in obstetrics in the Fifties, it was unheard of for a man to be present as their child was born."

Oh! I get it! You're old-school. Emphasis on the old. I'm sure you're also aware that in the fifties it was common practice to knock a woman out cold and hand her an infant when she came too. Oh, I'm sorry. You weren't finished:

"Childbirth was predominately a woman's business - usually carried out at home - and while a man may be in the vicinity at the time of labour, he would usually be found in the kitchen, boiling copious amounts of water, and therefore would miss the actual event."

You may have skipped a chapter or two in all of your fancy book learnin', but childbirth is STILL predominately a woman's business. And in the past he was more likely to be found smoking cigarettes and tossing back some bourbon. Keep going:

"However, by 1970, a handful of women started to ask for their husbands to be present at the birth, a shift that began to occur in many Western countries at about the same time."

GASP! Those crafty, globally organized bitches!

"There are a variety of reasons for this, including the fact that birth was being increasingly concentrated in hospitals rather than at home, and the rise of the smaller nuclear family meant women increasingly turned to their husbands for support in all areas of their life, rather than relying on their mothers or aunts."

My own mother does not have the capacity to withstand witnessing her own child in moderate to severe discomfort. However, I could rely on my mother in law to keep me updated on the strength of my contractions according to the monitor and that there weren't enough chairs in the delivery room to her liking. My husband was the calm in the brewing storm. So what is your professional opinion about the husband being present for the delivery and its effect on the laboring mother?

"First, a labouring woman needs to be protected against any stimulation of the thinking part of her brain - the neocortex - for labour to proceed with any degree of ease. This part of the brain needs to take a back seat and allow the primal "unthinking" part of the brain connected to basic vital functions to take over. A woman in labour needs to be in a private world where she doesn't have to think or talk. Yet, motivated by a desire to "share the experience", the man asks questions and offers words of reassurance and advice. In doing so, he denies his partner the quiet mind that she needs. The second reason is that the father's release of the stress hormone adrenaline as he watches his partner labour causes her anxiety, and prevents her from relaxing. No matter how much he tries to smile and appear relaxed, he cannot help but feel anxious. And the release of adrenaline is contagious.

It has been proven that it is physically impossible to be in a complete state of relaxation if there is an individual standing next to you who is tense and full of adrenaline. The effect of this is that, with a man present, a woman cannot be as relaxed as she needs to be during labour, and hence the process becomes longer and more difficult."

So your professional opinion is that in order for a laboring woman to "be in that part of her brain where she doesn't need to think or talk", is to stick her in a room full of women (i.e. mothers/aunts)? This is your solution? Have you actually met the chatty female species? This doesn't explain how it is any different with a man than it does with "mothers and aunts" in the room, now does it? Rhetorical, sir. Because distraction is distraction is distraction. And what say you about the stubborn placenta?

"Physically, in order to deliver the placenta with ease, her levels of oxytocin - the hormone of love - need to peak. This happens if she has a moment in which she can forget everything about the world, save for her baby, and if she has time in which she can look into the baby's eyes, make contact with its skin and take in its smell without any distractions. Often, as soon as a baby is born, men cannot help but say something or try to touch the baby. Their interference at this key moment is more often than not the main cause for a difficult delivery of the placenta, too."

Your professional opinion is, that with my husband in the room, I don't love my newborn child enough? Let me say this to you, Michel Odent: You may have been "involved in childbirth for 50 years", and "been in charge of 15,000 births", but you sir, have never actually given birth. You can never know the immediate unconditional love that is born right along with that child and might I add, without actually having YET seen the child. You will never feel that mother to child emotion. You will never completely understand it. Which is obvious by your opinions. Because that is all it is; your opinion. Not a scientific study but your own observations as an obstetrician about a couple of guys who fled at the sight of a human being emerging from a vagina and women whose labor took a little too long for your taste.

So here is my advice to you, Michel Odent: RETIRE!

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Vintage Thirty would like to apologize for the tardiness of today's edition. The editor fell asleep on her new couch last night, woke, wiped the drool from her chin, went to bed and then overslept. Tootsie has been put on notice but hasn't made it to the "dead to us" list. Yet. She has indicated that she's sorry but we're not so sure if we believe her.

Q: Joeprah asks the "Oh Lawdy it's a Man" question of the day: "Any advice for the men out there struggling with fashion?"

A: Yes! Ask women. Or? Watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Because, seriously? I'm a little bit in love with Carson myself. I totally want to be his BFF, go shopping, and hell, let him make me over! Also? Be more specific. "Struggling with fashion" is a very broad statement. And here's an example of something I witnessed the other day and should be made public so that it can be addressed: the only thing worse than a woman wearing "mom jeans"? Is a man. In mom jeans. With his shirt tucked in. And a belt. The sight rendered my corneas almost entirely useless. Also to be avoided: Parachute pants ala MC Hammer.

Q: Angie at KEEP BELIEVING would like to know: "I have box-shaped feet. They are a size 5 or 5-1/2 wide with high arches. I hate paying a ton for shoes, but have so few options for cute shoes. I am trying to change from frump-mom-in-sweats look to slightly-stylish-yet-not-overdone-and-comfortable-but-still-drives-a-mini-van look. Besides too many hyphens in my make-over attempt, shoes are a HUGE obstacles. Any suggestions."

A: First of all, admitting that there is a problem is a step in the right direction. So kudos to your hyphenated make over! Secondly, do you live in OZ? Fraggle Rock? Size five to five and a half? The hell? Are you that traveling gnome? What are you, twelve? Does it make me feel better that my shoe size is twice that of yours? No. No it doesn't. Buy some cute shoes in "wide" and consult some Dr. Scholls inserts so you can be gellin'. They're gellerific!

Q: Laughingatchaos and The Stay at Home Mom Going Quickly Insane each have skin care questions: "any other skin care recommendations? Please oh please?" and "what type of eye cream do you use/recommend?"

A: I can't even make jokes about skin care. Recommendations: wash your face every night even if you aren't wearing makeup. Moisturize! Moisture is your friend. Get intimate with it. Stick your tongue in its ear. Use sunscreen and don't forget your chest and hands! The poor neglected things. Eye cream? Garnier Nutritioniste Ultra-Lift anti-wrinkle firming eye cream. I've used some that tend to pull the skin too tight and, in my opinion, end up making the skin in that area more susceptible to creasing. I use this in the morning before applying my makeup and also at night. Although, after meeting BOSSY, I'm curious what she keeps in her medicine cabinet.

Q: Jess at Zoe asks the serious questions via email : "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? My second question is: What exactly is this "chucking" of wood that seems to be going on? Is he throwing the wood, or is "chuck" a cleverly disguised description of something dirty that the woodchuck is doing to the wood. Why does the woodchuck chuck wood? What does he do with it after he chucks it? What IS a woodchuck exactly? I have a feeling it's a fancy term for beaver but I'm just not sure and the questions are keeping me awake at night."

A: The answer to your first question is as much as he damn well pleases. 2) The "chucking" is just a variant of "Charlesing". 3) He would never throw his wood. Fondle, yes. Throw, no. 4) Because he can. 5) You don't want to know but it involves a gym sock that's kept under his bed. 6) It's a groundhog. Also known as a "whistlepig" or a "land beaver" who I'm guessing prefers to be a dry beaver rather than the wet variety. I wonder if Massengill has a product for that?

Q: Colleen at Wine Please asks OCD laundry Tootsie: "do you have any good tips on how to do laundry more efficiently?"

A: Doing laundry can be like picking up dog poop. If you do a little bit every day it doesn't get out of hand. I actually like doing laundry because there is something seriously wrong with me.

Q: Holly from Anglophilefootballfanatic asks on behalf of Mr. AFF's head: "men hair styles? Why does my spouse think Pat Riley hair is stylish? For 13 years I've been trying to "do something" with his hair. Any suggestions? "

A: I'm a big advocate of people wearing their hair the way they feel comfortable. However, if you substitute the name "Pat Riley" with "Donald Trump" then an intervention is in order. Consult friends and family. And perhaps clergy. And Jose Eber.

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.

Today's slogan is: "Gonna Be a While? Grab a Tootsie" preferably by the nipples.

Q: Dorothy seeks advice from her older sister, Tootsie, and would like to know: "The answer to this might be obvious and I might be stupid but is it okay to wear skinny jeans with a pair of wedges? Like this kind of wedge".

A: First of all, Stupid, those shoes are HAUTE! Secondly, I submit to you dear readers the person asking such a question:

(click to enhance and behold gorgeous)

You are young, hip and with it. I get much of my own style tips from observing you and making some age appropriate adjustments to accommodate a thirtysomething year old's wardrobe. I think it's quite obvious to anyone that A) you should be a contestant on the next installment of America's Next Top Model, and B) you could wear military issued combat boots with a dickie, layered with a poncho and pair it with your gym shorts and a top agent from Elite Modeling Agency would feature you on the cover of French Vogue. In that exact outfit. Inspiring millions of copycats. So, the answer is: yes, you can wear those wedges with skinny jeans and I would pair it with a billowy baby doll top to balance it out. A fitted shirt with that combination would be too, um, much. But maybe that's just the big sister in me. I, however, have to reserve my wedge wearing for skirts and wide leg pants. Because I need some balancing out but for whole other reasons. Now let's discuss chastity belts and the evils of pre-marital sex.

Q: Calicobebop is having difficulties with her face and wants to know: "Here's my question: I'm in my "early" 30's and I don't intend to age gracefully but I'm not ready for surgery. Yet. I've been able to tackle the crow's feet with moisturizers but the laugh lines are resistant. Any advice? Much obliged. Thanks a million!"

A: I'm being completely serious when I advise you to get to the nearest Target or drug store and purchase some L'Oreal Wrinkle De-Crease (night) cream. After countless attempts with a trabillion different lotions, I swear by this stuff. I would swear on my mother's grave except that she is still alive. Although she has a myriad of health issues and is a self-described basket case. So I swear on my mother's basket that this actually produces results (and my first attempt at typing "results" was "resluts" which is something else entirely and you don't even want to know). Use it as the last step in your nightly face cleansing routine. Apply it firmly with the heels of your hands and to tackle those laugh lines; use them as a starting point and rub towards your ears and up. Do this until it is evenly distributed and absorbed. Even use a smidgen before applying your makeup in the morning but not a lot or things can get a little "oil slick" looking. I also use it on my forehead, around my eyes, and my neck. Use a little on your elbows too. You will thank me when you're in your late thirties for that last part. And if you run out replace it as soon as possible. Because if you don't, after a few days you'll exclaim "HOLY CRAP!" when you look in the mirror at the obvious deep creases around your mouth. This was the moment I truly realized that the stuff worked and it wasn't even kidding around.

Q: HRH from June Cleaver Nirvana has heard of my world renowned psychic abilities: "Do you know where I lost my favorite ring?"

A: I want to tell you it is either where you last left it or it is with all of those missing socks. But I'm going to tell you a little story about my friend and her missing ring. Years ago I was at a girlfriends apartment in the vanity area of her bathroom, getting ready for a girls night out; and she was beside herself over her missing ring. I told her the story about my mother's friend who had once lost her favorite ring only to find it weeks later in the grooves of the automatic sliding doors at the mall. My girlfriend then slid open her closet doors to discover her own ring in the grooves of the track of her own closet. I'm pretty sure she was convinced, for quite some time, that I was Samantha Stevens from Bewitched. So, check all known sliding doors and get back to me.

Q: Holly from Anglophile Football Fantatic writes in via email to know: "I am in need of some new jeans. I have a very large butt and a pear shaped body. What kind of jeans work best for my figure."

A: I have seen pictures of you on your blog and I am skeptical about this so-called "very large butt and pear shaped body". I think you're being overly critical but I will indulge you. And I can sum up the answer to your question in two words: Boot Cut (or is it one word? Or a hyphenated word? Ah hell). In all of my years of people watching and fashion magazine reading, this seems to be the one cut that is universally flattering. Anyone who isn't shaped like a twelve year old boy should stay away from skinny or tapered leg jeans. And please don't confuse the boot cut (bootcut? possible. boot-cut? maybe. Google says? All three) for a flared leg jean. Because if you're pear shaped (if you say so) flared will make your bottom half look like a triangle and your top look like an upside down one trying to balance point to tip in the middle. Which makes you look like a walking geometry problem and causing fellow members of society to try to recall the formula for the Pythagorean Theorem. And math makes people cranky. And you might punch someone in the face if they touch your ass with their protractor. Which, you should.

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


The doctor is being seduced with bribes gifts from the pharmaceutical representative while you are forced to wait for your scheduled appointment. Please enjoy the fifteen year old subscriptions of National Geographic or, preferably, the following advice:

Q: Burgh Baby's Mom has a toddler footwear related question: "where can I find toddler shoes that aren't more hussy than the ones I wear? I refuse to be out-hussied by a two-year old."

A: My first impulse is to tell you to throw some Crocs on her because there isn't any possible way for that affront to fashion to be in any way construed as "hussy". But I cannot, in good faith, advise anyone to ever wear that offensive footwear. How those things ever attained their popularity makes me want to weep for feet nationwide. Diligent researcher that I am, I found these, that appear to be designed specifically to make your head explode for your Burgh Baby. Don't say I never did anything for you. You're welcome.

Q: Holly from Anglophile Football Fanatic is giving my advice a second chance and writes in via email to know: "How frumpy is it to give up highlighting my hair? It's expensive. It grows out too quickly. I always feel like I look trashy at the end of month 3....any advice?"

A: Before I start doling out the sarcasm advice I'd like to note that Holly is being very big in asking me what I think about anything. Considering the Jon-Jon episode where I unwittingly insulted her, wholesale, and in doing so; nearly put the kibosh on a faux commitment ceremony between her and Burgh Baby's Mom. Even though between the two of you there were probably a few distant relatives that were relieved by the news of the break up, and reassured once again in the power of prayer; I did not want to see that [break up] happen. Now on to your hair. Blonde highlights are expensive. I spend in one month on my hair the equivilent to a car payment for a moderately sized economy vehicle. That is very cringeworthy. Blonde is high maintenance. Here are some options:

1. Alternate your highlights between a partial and a full weave every other salon visit. A partial is usually significantly less expensive.
2. I notice that you wear your hair very straight. Once it gets to the obvious, "there's a trailer in tornado alley with my name on it" roots faze, abandon your flat iron and wear it fuller. Straight hair and a straight part emphasize the roots. You want to lift the roots so that they're hidden (i.e. some curls with a big barrel 1 1/2" iron and a little teasing at the crown but don't get too 1985). And don't wear it pulled back off of your face at this point because it will look like you have a ring around your head.
3. If you insist on ditching highlights altogether, I suggest going with an all over shade that closely matches your natural hue and the grow out will be considerably less noticeable. Just don't do it yourself like me someone we all know and love.
   

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


This weeks column is brought to you by Folgers and Excedrin. Not really.

Q: Karen at The Rocking Pony has a follow up to last weeks question: "You can't imagine how much I appreciate such words of wisdom (and the nod to go ahead and wring the neck) but I fear she won't live to change the attitude. So my question now would be, how do I stop myself before actually killing her?"

A: Karen, I'm going to tell you what my own mother told me, and presumably what my grandmother told her. Which, as you will quickly realize when you read the following pearls of wisdom, was probably handed down in every home in the world that ever had a child in it. And that is: Tell her to her face and often that someday SHE WILL HAVE A SON AND/OR DAUGHTER JUST LIKE HER. Call it a curse, hex, voodoo, whatever; it WORKS. And no live chickens need to be sacrificed in order for it to stick. You will take comfort in knowing her fate. And that alone will prevent you from killing her because this is something you will want to witness in the future.

Q: Allie at As You Wish would like to know: "How do you get rid of bags under your eyes? I have had them now for years and they won't go away (not that I've tried anything, but still). Besides covering them in makeup do you have any tips?"

A: I'm going to go out on a limb here but I would say that you should probably try something. And what you try depends on the source of the puffiness. If it is insufficient sleep and/or dehydration I'd advise some nap time and additional water. In light of recent news I recommend TAP. I hear it has traces of pharmaceuticals in it and who knows? It may contain a remedy for what ails you! Steer clear of the Viagra water, however. You're looking for a decrease in swelling.

The following is unsolicited advice to any retail establishment Target that sells, or shoe manufacturer Exhilaration that creates HIGH HEELS for CHILDREN. Stop it! Cease and desist! In my quest to purchase some spring sandals for my daughter, I was met with an impressive inventory of heels. Three of which are pictured below. I thought long and hard and I will tell you what; I cannot come up with any conceivable reason that a four year old would need such an item. I admit she has some large feet since she's a freakishly tall girl who can rock a size 12, but that doesn't explain the size 6, 7, 8, and so on. Don't you think that toddlers have a hard enough time in flats? My daughter is not a Bratz Doll and I don't intend to start dressing her like one. Not until she's at least twelve.