Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Open Letter to Very Important People

parking

Dear Fellow Parents of the Morning Drop-off,

Good morning. How are you today? I know how you are. You are rushed. I understand how inconvenient it is to pull all the way forward through the car line to keep things moving in an orderly fashion. This organized procedure interferes with your need to make an illegal u-turn in the middle of the road. You are obviously kind of a big deal because following procedure would mean that you might have to wait for the crossing guard to get the children safely across the street, making the army of cars...gasp!...wait. And very important people like you do not have time to wait for things like children. I know that once your own children are safely inside the school the rest of us can go to hell. I also understand how embarrassing it is when the execution of your u-turn fails, resulting in a shameful 3 point turn. It's so frustrating using up those additional 6 seconds. So the tire screeching was completely warranted. That lady who honked at you doesn't know what she's talking about.

And then there is you, Mr. Zip Through the U-Shaped Drive Way and Cut in the Line at the First Sign of a Break. Please don't slow down even a little bit. It's obvious you have someplace to be right now. And don't let my SUV get in the way of your SUV. Your's is bigger; which is a phrase that I imagine you don't hear often, hence the need for such a ridiculously over sized vehicle.

And I'm not even kidding when I say to you, Mrs. Jaywalker, that walking to the corner to cross the street at a cross walk complete with a crossing guard is such a waste of time, when it is so obviously more time efficient to just cut between the cars in the middle of the street with all three of your children. And don't let your very urgent phone call distract you from the fact that the little girl in your charge has dropped her water bottle and is now in the middle of the road alone. I completely agree with your decision to take this opportunity to scold her. She should know that when jaywalking one does it quickly and swiftly. Clearly there is something wrong with her. How will you ever get her to learn?

Miss Lead Foot in the Mustang, remember the time you got tired of waiting and zipped around everyone into oncoming traffic? And you had to dart back in to avoid a head on collision? And that lady you cut in front of hit your right rear bumper with her Suburban? Remember how awesome it was when you got out and yelled at her and she had the nerve to smile? You were so angry. I never told you this because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but we took her out for pancakes and tequila shots after. We might have given her a trophy; the memory is a little fuzzy. Details.

No, I haven't forgotten about you, Mr. and Mrs. Park Directly Under the No Parking Sign. I didn't realize that these traffic violations do not apply to you. I admit that I haven't parked there and taken the time to read the fine print at the bottom of the sign that excludes you from its ominous warning. That would be my bad. Don't even sweat it even a tiny bit that your parked cars now make a two way street an absolute impossibility. Please don't be bothered that we have to take turns pulling as far to the side as possible to let others pass. This is not your problem and we don't want to be a burden. I have to admit that I would only be guessing that there is an emergency somewhere with your name on it that makes your morning far more important and pressing than the rest of us. I sincerely hope that the sense of urgency that surrounds your day subsides.

Yours Truly,

Tootsie Farklepants

36 comments:

HRH said...

How is it possible that we sit in the same car line? I may need to print this out and circulate it locally...

Melissa said...

I think we print this out and publish it in every school newsletter across America. And on huge billboards RIGHT NEXT TO THE CROSSING GUARDS. Amen, sistah!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Do you live inside my mind?

This is exactly what I think, but in my mind there are more (many more) four letter words involved.

Well said!

jennifer h said...

Exactly, precisely. Seriously.

Just this morning, some ass sped up to try to get ahead of the school bus that was trying to pull out. Almost hit the bus. Less than 12 inches from it. When his kid got out of the car, the boy was laughing along with the dad, clearly about their excellent driving maneuvers.

You said this much better than I could have.

I agree with Melissa.

Crafty Mom said...

That was an absolutely brilliant letter!

THE MOM BOMB said...

. . . which is why I'm sooooo happy my kids take the bus! Of course, we have one guy in the 'hood who likes to try and zip around the bus as the kiddies are boarding. I'm thinking stoning is appropriate.

Bunny Bunster said...

Very well said!
(golf clap.)

Melissa said...

Isn't it amazing how stupid people are when it comes to a school drop off setting?

I think you should bring a tazer to school and wave that around. I'll bet people will be happy to saty away from you ;)

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

You, my dear, are a genius. If I drive like an ass and nearly cause a car accident, will you take me out for tequila?

Stu said...

I think these same people follow me to the airport when I travel.

Now, if shoulder mounted rockets were available to us civilians.....

-Stu

Karen said...

Good grief! I had no idea. I detest traffic (see why I don't mesh with cities?) and to have to endure that kind of crap on a daily basis, you deservean award. Or a stiff drink.

Lulu said...

I'm starting to realize that this is why my sister-in-law got to school an hour early each day to pick up her son. She usually took a book with her to read. Zen, baby, zen.

Mrs. G. said...

I don't think these people know who they're dealing with. Amateurs.

Domestic Chicky said...

Oy! If this is what I have to look forward to this Fall, I am going to be in trouble.

Fannie Mae said...

OK the jaywalkers really piss me off. You really can't go the extra HALF BLOCK to the crosswalk? GAAHH!

Madame Queen said...

Girl, you are genius. Can I print this out and keep in my glovebox for possible future use?

LaskiGal said...

Blog hopping . . . "I know that once your own children are safely inside the school the rest of us can go to hell." Oh, this is so true. I don't even have one in school, but as a teacher, I swear it is like a Monster Truck rally out in the lot . . .

"I never told you this because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but we took her out for pancakes and tequila shots after. We might have given her a trophy; the memory is a little fuzzy." CLASSIC!!! Hilarious.

Seriously, you need to send this somewhere . . . a local paper or something. MORE people need to read this! Awesome post . . .

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Please, submit it to your respective PTA's or PTO's. I'm considering doing it myself, but some of the members are the guilty parties. How embarrassing for them.

Pick up time is worse. But I thought if I talked about it "out loud" I might have a stroke.

Nap Warden said...

Oh no! That's no good at all...I'm not there yet. Now I know what I have to look forward to.

Slow Panic said...

They should have their own school.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

smalltownmom said...

You said it, sister! I was ranting about the u-turners this very morning!

A Mom Two Boys said...

You're awesome.

Nicole said...

Yeah, when I first got my license, my mom said it was great that I could take my brother to school now. But I know all too well that I am not experienced or patient enough to survive the parking lot. See, my mom was sneaky - she would drop me off at school WAAAY too early so she could avoid all the crazies. I just had to find stuff to do for an hour before class. Hah.

pogonip said...

Is it just a Reno thing? Or do we have a whole darn country full of parents who endanger kids? It makes me nuts!

Colleen said...

sad that it's about this bad at my daycare (I wrote them a nice letter, too). Can't wait till my kids are in school so I can witness this full-on.

a. beaverhausen said...

We had one dumbass mom who ritually allowed her kids to disembark her vehicle IN THE SPACE RESERVED FOR PARENTS PICKING UP THEIR WHEELCHAIR-BOUND KIDS/STUDENTS FROM THE ONLY SCHOOL EXIT THAT HAD A RAMP. She also vied for that space in the morning drop-off when the little bus with the other "special needs" students were being picked up. Even after being confronted, she never, ever stopped. I still hate her for it.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

a. beaverhausen~ that's when it's time to have the authorities stake out the school. Wouldn't you LOVE to watch her get a ticket?

standing still said...

Tootsie, pure genius. This is our school with its overcrowded drop off lane. I am now in possession of a handicap pass so that I can get my Child to school with his HEALING broken leg, and I have to get a wheelchair or walker in and out of my jeep, and those f*ckers who park in the handicapped space (OOOOH, ONE entire space for the whole school), because it's just going to be a MINUTE while they run in to do their very important volunteer job ... they can suck it, or bite me, depending on their mood.

standing still said...

p.s. This is called kicking ass and taking names: I WILL call the cops. You there, parked in that handicap zone? Show me your pass. No pass? Yea, you're getting a ticket. HA!

Trickster said...

Sadly the southern area of Australia where I am nothing is different, this article is being submitted to our school magazine, with credit of course :)

Cheri said...

Good grief! Our kids go to the same school. Also, there's the woman who bought the prime parking space at the school fundraiser. The parking space marked with the sign "The space reserved for auction winner." You know, the space that is always empty because she parks her car in another space. So now TWO spaces are taken. That woman. Sorry 'bout the rant in your comments. I'm done now.

JCK said...

That Tootsie, she's got the Moxie. You get 'em, baby. I agree - you should submit it to the local paper or something.

Don Mills Diva said...

Get outta my head! I could have wrote this one this very morning and every morning as I pass through two school zones on my 5-minute commute to work!

Michelle Hix said...

Ahhh the joys of the carpool lane...

Darla said...

Love it, love your blog AND love your name, "Tootsie Farklepants"!!! I just hope that I remember this blog name to periodically check in!!! :)

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

You freaking nailed it.

Ps. This was featured on GoodMom/BadMom so get down with your bad self. http://blogs.chron.com/goodmombadmom/2008/05/blog_round_up.html