Thursday, September 24, 2009

Argument Reason #43 in Favor of Hiring a Housekeeper

Now that Girl-Child is in first grade and no longer done with class by noon, I've got about six hours five days a week to get those household chores that I've put off, for quite literally YEARS, done. No more excuses [like, I'd love to get started on that but I have to shower by 11am, so no time] to avoid collecting the hair away from my face in a messy ponytail-headband combo, rolling up the sleeves and tackling some filthy, dirty shit. The cleanliness of my home is an optical illusion. The surface areas are dusted, swept, vacuumed, washed. Bathrooms are usually sanitary... but for all that is holy and for your own piece of mind DO NOT LOOK behind the entertainment unit, or up at my ceiling fans, or too closely at the window blinds, or under the fridge. And sometimes the brownies contain a hint of the baked chicken from three days ago the night before. And unless you've taken a moment to visit your special place of courage DO NOT LOOK UNDER MY STOVE. The kitchen is tiled and I swear to GAWD there is a layer of carpet under there and it's probably violating some kind of fire code.

Then there is the grout on the tiled kitchen counter tops.

And because this task is the most visible and IN MY FACE and ON MY MIND every time I'm in there; I chose this as job numero uno. I hosed them down with a heavy dose of Dawn Power Dissolver cuz it works like a champ on the stovetop. And I let it sit. Permeate. Penetrate. Do what it does. I know, I know. Right now some of you are all, BLEACH beesh! I considered it and was immediately met with visions of an unfortunate over-inhalation of fumes followed by passing out and subsequent smacking of the back of the head on the island behind me and ending with a cracking of the skull when my head bounced off the ceramic tile floor. Then I was like, who will pick the kids up from school? What with my being dead and all. And my husband would be all, huh, maybe I should have let her hire that cleaning service afterall because I don't even know the kids classroom numbers or their teachers names and then he'd have to remarry too soon to someone he probably didn't even love but just needed to pick up my slack.

But maybe I should have risked it. It took two hours to scrub and make mostly clean about twelve square feet of surface area. And about halfway into it I was like:

I HAVE GOT TO BE DOING THIS WRONG!

Giving myself pep talks to JUST GET IT DONE all the while sweat is dripping from my brow and down my nose. My arm is fatigued and just can't go on. And you would think that with all that work those counter tops would sparkle like the goddam Hope Diamond! But NO! There are spots that I CANNOT get clean!

I give up. I suck at labor intensive housework. The fire hazard beneath the stove is just going to have to live on. No seriously, there probably is shit living under there. At the moment I DO NOT CARE.

15 comments:

MelADramatic Mommy said...

It's funny, when I first became a SAHM I was June Cleaver. The house sparkled, laundry was done, folded AND put away! After about 3 months, I was so frickin bored and felt my brain cells falling out of my ears. Now I have a blog, the house is less sparkly, we pull clean clothes out of laundry baskets and I couldn't be happier.

ms martyr said...

Maybe there is a specialty product that will clean grout better? I think there is something that will seal it once it's clean so you won't have to go through this again.

Mr. Clean Magic Erasers really do work great.

My personal peeve is having to clean the vents on the microwave with Q-Tips.

Michele Renee said...

The Hubs and I just had this talk last night to the three kids. That they have got to pick up after themselves in the kitchen because we are constantly trying to clean the kitchen and the bedroom looks like crap because we can never get in there to clean (we both work outside the home and both clean like crazy to no avail and I swear cannot wait till we are really old and live in a little ranch house again).

Katie in MA said...

Oh good, there are others like me!

Karen said...

I say it's time to put in new counter tops.

Suburban Correspondent said...

It would make sense to get new countertops. Tile countertops are for people who never, ever cook.

Otherwise, go to Home Depot - they have special Grout Cleaner there. But the brush that is specially made for the job also. But really? Life is short and it isn't worth it.

Nil Zed said...

omigosh I hate tile countertops with a deep, burning passion. Even old fashioned formica is better. Anyting without grout.

As for Ms. Martyr: once I was cleaning out the microwave vents with a Q-tip. Darlin child who is a friend of my daughter's spotted me and said, 'O! I have never seen anyone clean a microwave with a Q-tip!' 'Darlin child', I said, 'that's because your mother's housekeeper comes after you've left for school!' 'True' she says, 'I forgot we had one.'

Rebecca said...

I am currently trying to find something to clean the grout on my kitchen floor. Clorox Cleanup spray works pretty well with LOTS of scrubbing, but alas I want something to just magically clean it too.

At least I'm not alone.

Michele Renee said...

To the commenters above: what on earth is a microwave vent? There's more to clean than just the inside of my microwave??

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Solution: Get granite countertops. Dark ones. No grout. Heh.

hulagirlatheart said...

Yeah, I didn't care either for fifteen years...until I needed to sell my house. Ack! I'm looking into corners I haven't visited with a broom since 1998.

jerilyn said...

Ha - this sounds exactly like my day - and the house still isn't clean!

lapoflux said...

I had dillusions of a clean house when I stopped work two years ago. Honestly? It's way worse than it was when I worked (I had a cleaning lady who could perform miracles in 4 hours).
I'm looking forward to my baby starting grade one next year so I can go to work - at least go enough to pay a cleaner ;-)

Ms Martyr said...

@Michele Renee - I have an above the stove microwave/fan combination. The vents are above the door and collect grease and dust at an amazing rate.

Burgh Baby said...

See THIS is exactly why I can't have nice things. Then I would have to clean them. With the crap kitchen I currently have, there is no guilt.