Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Leave Tootsie Allooooonnee...

How unprofessional is it when a major corporation calls your house to solicit your business and refers to you by your first name only? Like we're old friends? Like we're FAMILIAR? What's worse is that AT&T this company has called my house at least six times in the last two weeks [an estimate, I wish I'd documented it] and half of those calls began with, "Hello, Tootsie?" [not really "Tootsie" but my real name, of course, but for blogging purposes we'll keep it anonymous] and the other half of those calls were, "Hello, Ms. Ranch?" which is not at all my last name anonymously or in real life. With the first phone call I didn't listen to enough of their spiel to learn what it is that they wanted me to "save money" on, but I do know enough about life to know that they're not saving my money they want MORE of my money by selling me services that I may or may not already aquire from another source. So that initial call ended with my "no thank you, not interested". Apparently this causes your name to be tossed back into the list of calls to be made in the near future. Kind of like lalalalala...we can't hear you...lalalala...The next few calls were met with a simple, "no thanks". The second to the last call was met with "Yes this is Tootsie but Ranch is not my last name and I've already told you guys the last few times you've called that I'm not interested", which prompted the stooge on the other end of the line to quip "you're not INTERESTED in SAVING MONEY?!?!" which prompted me to promplty hang up on them.

The last call was today. This time the woman on the other end not only referred to me by my first name only, but wholly butchered its pronounciation. I immediately knew who AT&T it was. Now I was just mad because, wtf? Are they just going to keep calling until I say yes? Tootsie doesn't play that game. I finally had to be super rude which I don't like doing at all, and said "look, you AT&T people have called me at least six times in the last two weeks and I'm not interested! Would you please take me off of whatever list it is of whatever you're trying to sell?" And hung up. I'm sure they'll call back tomorrow asking for Tootsie Ranch. People are always trying to sell you shit.

It's bad enough that you're not safe in your own house, but out there in life beyond your four walls, you can barely make it from point A to point B without being asked to sign a petition, support a cause, make a monetary contribution to fight a disease, buy cookies....or worse...KIOSKS! Those mother effing kiosks in the mall with their salesmen and their fake French accents. Like that one dude working the hand/facial cream kiosk and he's all, "Excuse me Miss? Have you ever heard of the Dead Sea? oh-hoh-hoh, oui, crepe suzette!!" and I just want to slap his accent right out of his mouth! Of course I've heard of the Dead Sea, Asshole. Do you think I've been locked in a box my whole life and some fake Frenchie working the kiosk in the mall is going to ENLIGHTEN me? Puhleeaze. Get out of my way, chocolate souffle.

Ohmygod, and that woman working the herbal microwavable heating pads! I made the mistake once of stopping when she said, excuse me Miss? And that bitch slapped one of those heated herbal things on my shoulders without asking [like the good old days of department store perfume departments and their stealthy-ninja-like spray attacks]...and I swear to GOD I smelled like hot lilac for the rest of the day and I just wanted to peel off my skin.

And the hair extension kiosk. Have you seen my hair? Do I LOOK like I need MORE? I could sell them my hair to sell to other folks. Their tactic is to inquire, "Excuse me, Miss? Can I ask you a question?". I may be the biggest bitch to stroll through the mall but trust me when I say that there are only two ways to answer that and either are just as effective as the other. And they are:

  1. No you can't. [then continue on your merry way]
  2. You just did. [then continue on your merry way]
The end.

13 comments:

stephanie (bad mom) said...

It thrills me to no end that you & I have the same brilliant shut-down responses to the crazy kiosk people.

Good luck with being alone.

smalltownmom said...

I have had a similar beef with Soap Opera Digest ever since one of their phone solicitors called me a stupid bitch. (Because I said I had already renewed my subscription.) Yes, I complained to the company. ("Oh, they're not our employees. They just contract with us.") Yes, I cancelled the subscription. I hate all phone calls now.

Suburban Correspondent said...

I didn't know people answered the phone anymore. Caller ID can truly be your friend.

Chronicles of a New Wife said...

I love this. Those crazy kiosk people have invaded my personal space on more than one occassion. My usual tactic is to avoid eye contact at all costs. If that doesn't work hiding behind the husband almost always does since he has no problem glaring them in the face and walking on without a word. I will be trying your methods the next time I make a trip to the mall.

knittergran said...

I have naturally curly hair-very curly-and as I walked past a kiosk where a woman was selling curling irons, she started her spiel and noticed my curls. I said, no thanks, don't need one. Her reply? Well, do you ever try to FIX your curls?
Nice, insult me and expect me to stop?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

When we were asked if we could answer a few questions at Epcot last year, I said no, D said yes and chewed me out for being "rude to the nice people." Then he was stuck filling out a survey in a little kiosk on a computer for 20 minutes. While I howled with laughter in the background.
Never be nice to them. Ever.

Anonymous said...

I love it when I have all five of my kids in tow and they want me to stop. I mean, seriously? If I do? I'm going to give them permission to touch EVERYTHING. Mwahahaha!

calicobebop said...

Yes, the kiosks kill me. I generally use my child as an excuse. Point to her and mouth "I'm sorry!" as I hurry by. But, perhaps it would be more entertaining to use your version.

Lisa! said...

Still waiting for that Cheese Crowns recipe! : )

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Yikes, Lisa! I totally spaced. I will post it tomorrow! Soooo sorry :)

JCK said...

I am terrified of those that shall remain nameless and call us multiple times. And of Kiosk people. But, I love reading about them here. :)

Squeaker said...

At my last job, we would get several calls A DAY from a company trying to sell us ad space. I was nice for two days, just hung up the third day, and finally took the time to curse them out and tell them where they could put their ad space on the fourth. It worked.

And those microavable heating thingie kiosks? This past X-Mas, saying "No thanks," was taken by the lady as "Yes, please drape that patchouli-smelling thing over my shoulders, all though I'm already sweating because I'm lugging several bags and practically running down the length of the mall."

oliveoyl64 said...

I gave up being polite to phone solicitors. Even my ds has known since he was little that if they do NOT call me by my CORRECT name, then HANG UP. I also have a 3 second rule once I answer...if they don't start speaking it is usually an automated call and they are waiting to see if YOU will wait for them to answer.

As for the kiosk vendors, ask them how much YOU will get paid to sample or demo THEIR product. It throws them off their game.