Monday, March 2, 2009

Open Letter to Very Important People, Part Deux

Please to enjoy part one here.

Dear Honda Driver,

I realize that navigating one's way through the mammoth area reserved for parking, adjacent to a strip mall that boasts heavily trafficked stores, including but not limited to, Walmart, Old Navy, and a defunct Circuit City can be a might tricky. Those lanes reserved for actual driving? Ignore those. And while we're on the subject; stop signs are for punks. Please continue to drive through vacant parking spaces and pop out of no fecking where. I like this. It's fun. Makes driving kind of like a game of hide 'n seek. Also? My heart was due for an overdose of adrenaline. It's been too long since my hair stood on end. I now understand the Honda slogan, "the fit is go". The car fits in between parked cars and it goes. And those that follow the rules of the road be damned.

Signed,

The Lady in the Lexus with the Very Surprised Look on Her Face who Screamed Oh Shit

*******************************************

Dear Hundred Plus Junior High School Parents,

Believe me when I say that I know what a pain in the ass it is that whoever the city planner was that decided to place the junior high, high school, and one elementary school across the street from each other with one way in and out, and simultaneous dismissal times, with a combined enrollment of approximately FOUR THOUSAND; thought this was a good idea. I get it. They were stoned. It's a colossal joke. It's crowded. And makes things very trafficky and people very impatient-y. Please continue to park curbside on this heavily congested street while you wait for your child to walk down the hill to your car, partially blocking traffic in one of the three lanes offered. Oh, and those "no stopping at anytime" signs? Merely a suggestion, I'm sure.

Sincerely,

The Lady who got Hung Out to Dry when the Light Turned Red while Waiting for you to Finish Your Illegal Parallel Parking Job and who Wouldn't have Risked it if She'd Known you were Going to Throw that Bitch in Reverse

************************************

Dear Straight Up Bitch,

I was absolutely aware that I had a green arrow to turn left. Funny thing I learned in driving school way back in, ooohhhh, high school - when the driver of a vehicle has the right of way they still have to yield to traffic and/or any obstacles. For instance, like what just happened, when the light turned green and the cars in front of me turned into the circular drive in front of the junior high? Yeah, well, the reason I didn't go? Even though I had a green light? Was because there were at least two cars that were still backed up in the intersection and I had NO WHERE TO GO. Here's a little driver's ed tip for you: you aren't supposed to block the intersection. So, thanks for the honk. Always appreciated. But more especially thank you so much for driving around and pulling in front of me. I have to say I got a more than a little pleasure watching you sit there in the middle of the intersection completely hindering the flow of traffic. I laughed a little when you banged on your steering wheel.

Your Truly,

Smiley

p.s. Your car is ugly.

*******************************************

Dear Chatty Cathy,

A lot of people make the choice to not watch the news. I understand. It's been mostly reduced to sensationalism. But there was a law passed last year that makes it illegal to use your hand held cell phone and/or device here in California. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you didn't know. Or maybe it was an emergency and you just HAD to use it. Judging by your obvious laughter at whatever was said; it was a very funny emergency.

Best Wishes,

Where's a Cop When You Need One

45 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I don't write letters--I just scream at them while it's happening. It doesn't really work.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

So? Just this week? I had to stop my car in parking lot outside of a medical office building. And the woman in the car behind me? Laid on her horn. And then screamed, "Move BITCH!" out of her window. And then honked some more. Only I? Couldn't move. Unless, of course, I wanted to run over the guy in the wheelchair trying to get into a van. Yeah.

JCK said...

Good to have you back. Especially with these letters.

The Mother said...

The rules don't apply to everyone--didn't you get that memo?

hulagirlatheart said...

Traffic takes me from zero to bitch in 1.2 seconds. Half the time I just have to let my head pop off because I drive a company car and I'm in public relations. It's a real damper on the hand gesture thing.

It's about time you were back in the saddle girlfriend. We've missed you.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

HA! Once a friend of mine was stuck at one of those "one lane bridge - please take turns with oncoming traffic" spots (do you even have those in California?). There was some sort of accident or traffic stop further up the road and she couldn't go, even though it looked as if it were her turn. A woman in the line-up behind her actually got out of her car, knocked on my friend's window, and explained, very condescendingly, how to navigate a one-lane bridge. In a "you are obviously an idiot" tone of voice, of course...

Lo said...

uh, yeah. the whole 'lady in the lexus with a permanent middle finger pointing to high heaven while bangin on the horn'? that's me.

i totally agree with you. these people are asshats.

Persnickety Ticker said...

I so wish that they would pass that cell phone law here in FL. Waaaay to many damn idiots out there that think they are driving a phone booth.

kcinnova said...

It's cathartic to read these -- all I've wanted to say but don't.

SC: We've got them here! And when the whole little hamlet agreed there shouldn't be a gigantic Montessori school entrance in between 2 of of those bridges, the property owners got all huffy. (Luckily, for once, the county's elected officials listened to The People instead of one special interest.)

Baby Favorite said...

If I were you, my middle finger would be throbbing by now from overuse.

JoeinVegas said...

Hmmm, need to hear the answering letters. I hope you do print out some of these and stick them under windshields so people can really know what your gestures are for, instead of just assuming you are drying that nail polish you are applying while driving.

Anonymous said...

I work in Philadelphia, but live in the suburbs of Southern New Jersey. Normally I'll take the train - to save from paying the outrageous parking fees ($17/day). On a particularly FREEZING day (wind chill made it feel like 5 degrees), I decided to drive because I didn't feel like getting frostbite during my 8 block walk from the train station. So I'm at the exit, using my credit card to pay so I can get out. Because it was bitterly cold I had to insert my credit card 4 times for it to accept payment - all the while, some jerk behind me laying on his horn. And I am like a bat out of hell when I leave work because I've got my 3 kids to pick up at 2 locations. I felt the need to get out of my car (and I'm even more p-o'd because now I have to get out of my warmed car to lecture this fool) and sarcastically tell this idiot, "You think I don't want to get out of this parking garage? You think I am intentionally sitting here for the hell of it? Because of you, now we are both 3 minutes later getting out of this garage because I have to acknowledge your idiocy!"

barbra said...

Oh, boy. I've been there!

Here's one:
Dear Lady Who Comes In Late to Gym Class Every Time,
We realize that you are far more important than the rest of us, who know that if we are late we'd better go get on the treadmill because CLASS IS CLOSED, but when you come in late and turn off the fan? The fan that is on one side of the room? The side of the room we made sure to be there early enough to get a spot in because we wanted to be by the fan? When you come in late and turn off the fecking fan, and then yell at people that you'll catch a cold with the fan on? You are not making any friends, Beyotch.
Sincerely,
The lady with the big butt she'd really like to get rid of, but why the heck is it still here???

calicobebop said...

I hate other drivers. Hate, hate, hate. I wish I could just fly to work. Assholes.

MommyTime said...

I love the part where you just laugh at the woman who pulled around you so she could jump into the traffic jam even faster.

g said...

Yes!! Can I cc them to my list of candidates?

Some people are just special, I guess.

Last night coming home on our two-lane canyon road, in the middle of a long line of cars, one person in the middle was tailgating an unfortunate van, also in the middle of the line of cars. I was about 3 cars behind. I heard this funny sound, so weird I turned off my radio and opened my window to see what it was.

The jerk was honk honk honk honk honking at the poor person in front of him - as if that person could have gone any faster, having a line of 12 or so cars in front of him - until finally the person turned off the road in self-preservation.

What a dick

thedailysnark said...

Oh my GOD. I hope that wasn't me in the Old Navy parking lot! If it was a blue Nissan, I apologize. :)

BusyDad said...

Can you convert these into Word templates? I'll need a couple. Thanks.

Madge said...

I was in the Starbucks drive thru a couple of weeks ago and the lady behind me yelled out her window that I should pull up.

Jason, as himself said...

I like funny emergencies, they're the best!!!

cactus petunia said...

Oh, Tootsie, thank God you're back! People here in Oregon are way too polite. When I'm out walking the dogs and make them sit at the corner, drivers always stop at the stop sign and make me go first, especially when I wave them on...but when I'm in a crosswalk? I just wave as they speed past me...and they wave back!

Susie said...

Can you also write a letter to the drivers who don't know that you are supposed to keep your vehicle between those lines painted on the road? Yesterday, I found myself sharing my lane three different times on the highway.

Reeky said...

I have seen some crazy driving this week. Mind-blowing stupid. Yesterday, I had a person pull the parking lot rodeo trick and they almost t-boned me. After the near-miss they gave me the finger.

Cell phone/driving laws are silly. No, not because you should be allowed to do it. Because NOBODY observes the law. It's a waste of time.

Recently I watched a bozo weave and almost crash into a line of cars because they were on the phone/texting. Just as it happened, we passed a cop. I thought, "Cool, they'll be pulled over and cited"

When the officer drove closer, I could see HE was talking on his cell phone too. He just zoomed by chatting away.

Lynne said...

OMG been there, still doin' that...welcome to my world...must tell you it's no better in N. CA...thanks for the chuckles

Saucy said...

Oh, Tootsie F, we need you on the Supreme Court! Your judgement is just fine.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

Everything you said made me very tense. It's why I refuse to pick my children up from school, ever. I don't want to hate all their classmates' parents...

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Nora said...

You know, I saw a policeman talking on his cell phone while driving the other day. And it did not look like an emergency. Maybe he was on the phone with Chatty Cathy, all, THAT law? Ha ha ha ha ha.........

1blueshi1 said...

Tootsie-licious! I have missed your take on life SO much.

Haralee said...

Bad Language and gesticulations, and horn blowing and yelling out the window, I really enjoy that role model strategy when children are in the car !

The Girl Next Door said...

Can I please print these out (1 &2) and put copies in my car and just pass them out to the thousands of idiots I see daily here in DC? The idiot driving capital of the world? And jaywalkers? Got 'em in spades. My kids have started offering me double points if I'll just take one of them out....

(HE my word verf: uride. yeah Toots you ride all right!)

Trailboss said...

I have to say that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!

The Mom Bomb, a/k/a Folksy Mama said...

I was going to compliment you on your letter-writing skills, but I have to say . . . I am just DYING to know what "sexy" posted!!! It looks HAWT, even in Chinese.

The Introvert said...

I needed this today since I've had encounters with several letter-worthy people today. You're the bomb dot com.

O'Neal (The Woman In Charge Around Here) said...

Can I use "impatient'y" ?

musing said...

Feck! Reminds me of one of my all time very favorite watched it more times than I can count movies, Almost Famous. "I think she said feck." :)

Shabby in Pink Boutique said...

Happy Weekend~
You are invited to a Blog Drawing~
'Why I love Vintage'
Please have a visit!
Happy Spring!
Stephanie
Loving your new creations~ So pretty!

AMomTwoBoys said...

Oh, how I love you.

Vintage Kitten said...

Fab post, so funny!

Sue said...

OK, it's been 2 weeks. Did one of the recipients of the "letters" hunt you down and beat you to a pulp?

Maggie said...

Ok, I've read your blog for a bit now and thought perhaps we share a zip code. And then I read this and thought, "wow sounds like my morning". Only for me, it was the chick in the HUUUUGE white SUV on her cell which necessitated a five-point turn around out of the parking space blocking 20 people from getting by. Of course I was leaving Noah's on my way down to the Old Navy/Marshalls Area. If that makes sense, and you can routinely find parents beating their children at said Walmart, then I must be right!

Ellyn said...

Too funny. Did you not hear? The laws only apply to you if you let them. Obviously these other people are better at this than you are.

jennisg said...

Should we send out a search party for her? I miss Tootsie!

Martha said...

OMG!! I think I love you!! You know, except I don't swing that way.

disa said...

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.