Sunday, November 29, 2009

Drinking Game: When You Hear the Word "Vagina" Take a Shot. P.s. You Will be Drunk by the End of this Post

So, I'm getting Girl-Child out of the bath tonight and she asks, how do babies get out of the mommy? It's not the first time she's asked this question but my pat answer of "they come out of the mommy's tummy" was no longer a sufficient explanation. Because she was all, yeah I know THAT but HOWWW? Well, feck. I mean, she's six, so do I struggle with trying to figure out something age appropriate? Or do I just get fer realz on her ass? Frankly, I've just gone through hosting a Thanksgiving dinner-slash-day to fourteen people, not in bed until midnight-ish, up at 4am and at the mall by 5am, movie at the El Capitan in Hollywood at 7pm - followed by a next day dinner and 7pm movie chaser; not to mention the grocery shopping because the leftovers WILL eventually run out, and that mountain of laundry tackled. In other words: my ability to formulate a creative answer was clouded by my extreme exhaustion. I blurt out:

Babies come out of the mommy's vagina.

She seems generally unfazed...and now I know why: What's a vagina? ...she asks.

Oh my god, you guys. I have totally failed this girl. I mean, I know I've done my most bestiest bestest to shield her from all things inappropriate and keep her innocent as long as possible - which is like fighting a losing battle because you can't even watch an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond without the subject of sex coming up and Girl-Child is all, what's sex? And I'm like fuuuuuck you Everybody Loves Raymond, I mean, WTH? Work with me Ray Romano! - but, but, but, my poor daughter doesn't even know what a vagina is or that she has come equipped with one and that some day a baby may come out of it! Mom=fail.

So I do what any mother in my situation would do when her naked daughter fresh out of the bathtub asks what a vagina is. I point at it. [Right?] This seemed to cause some confusion on her part. Because, HOW does it come out of THAT? There's a hole there, I tell her. Still confusing because HOW BIG IS THAT HOLE, which is exactly what she asked.

"It stretches", I say. "So the baby can fit through."

She wonders if that hurts.

Oh God.

The conversation is beginning to spiral out of control and into a territory that I do not believe she is ready to receive. I mean, let's recap: Not even knowing that she has a vagina - to - what, exactly? Giving her THE TALK? That just seems like a lot of information to throw at her all at once, ya know?

So, I lie to her and tell her it only hurts a little bit. Because, what am I supposed to say? That it hurts so bad that at some point during labor you kind of just wish for sweet death? And that some women take that opportunity to tell their husbands exactly what they think of them? [An aside: Not me. I didn't mind that my husband was watching the ...hmmm... Hawks? Steelers? Raiders? Whatever they were wearing black on Monday night football while I was busy with the miracle of life]...I mean, do I even GO into the whole episiotomy thing? No, of course not.

But, "it hurts a little bit" was all she needed to hear. Mommy I don't think I'm gonna get married, she decides. And I ask her why. Because when you get married you have babies and I don't want it to hurt.

Now if she can just hold onto that until she's at least twenty five.

22 comments:

Six divided by two..... said...

ROTFL.... I have two teenage daughters. I have rode on that ride before. I know how that goes.... lol. You did a good job, trust me. That is an awesome story.

Jen on the Edge said...

I've told my children that there's a wonderful medicine that keeps childbirth from hurting, so we got through that hurdle ... for now.

Amanda said...

Oh yes. Every mother eventually has this conversation (except mine). My dd was wholly non-phased. She's also six. I also got to go the easy route a bit as I've had two c-sections. I explained that that's not always how it goes, but she didn't really care.

Amy @ Passages to the Past said...

OM Goodness! That's hysterical!!

AmyBow said...

apparently she has been talking ot my 3-year old, whose favorite game is "I'll say a letter and you tell me an animal that starts with that letter that has babies that come out its vagina."

sigh...

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

And I am laughing because when my boys were peeing outside, I told them to "be careful where you point that weapon." That strikes me as irony on sooooo many levels.

Manic Mommy said...

My then six year old boy asked the same question maybe a year ago. I think I used the term "special hole."

Next question: "Can I see it?"

Answer: "NO!"

Swirl Girl said...

well played. Although I usually fend these questions off with offerings of Oreos or Ice Cream.

Or both.

Suburban Correspondent said...

You did a fine job. Now come on over here and talk to my 7-year-old.

JoeinVegas said...

Yea, right, remember that until she's 25?

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

Be prepared. Her next question will be how the babies get in there.

:-)

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I know, I'm scared. Hold me?

Madge said...

yeah. i've been getting the how do babies come out question from my 7 year old boy, but he's still ok with the whole "take them out of my tummy" thing. plus i had a c-section, so it's not like i'm lying when i tell him the doctor cut him out of my stomach. i'm just glossing over the vagina part for now

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

My kids come out of someone else' tummy, so they don't ask too many questions. My sister had C sections which is the closest they and I have come to childbirth. And I have boys, so they know they are unaffected. Still. Yikes.

KEEP BELIEVING

Anonymous said...

LOVE IT!!! This was soo funny!
I have a 5 yr old and luckily no questions about that yet....but I'm sure the day is coming soon!

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Al_Pal said...

Oh goodness, what a story!!!
Sounds like y'all did okay. ;p

Nishant said...

You did a good job, trust me. That is an awesome story.

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JCK said...

You did a great job. Only a little bit. That's enough truth for now.

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