Friday, March 7, 2008

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.

Today I will first address the questions of those whose Google searches directed them to my blog.

Q: Indonesia, Jakarta, Jawa Barat is curious about "son suck daughter".

A: First of all, I'm terribly disturbed by a) that word combination, and b) that it brought you here. I don't know what it is that you want to know about that and furthermore I don't want to know WHY you want to know (4 knows in one sentence for the record). There is something seriously wrong with you. You are sick. Please seek professional help immediately.

Q: San Diego, CA would like to know, "how to correct a very mild turkey waddle"?

A: You correct it by preventing it in the first place. Once it's there, you have a very mild turkey waddle. Anti-aging creams and firming agents can help prevent it from becoming more pronounced, but I'm afraid anything short of cosmetic surgery (or visiting someone with the word "Doctor" preceding their surname and perhaps on your lunch hour) won't rid you of it. I'm sorry.

Q: South Africa would like to know about "important people in space".

A: The NASA website would probably be more helpful to you than a mom blog. Considering I don't recall blogging about astronauts.

Now for the reader's questions:

Q: Angie from KEEP BELIEVING would like to know: "are sick children an excuse for oversized sweats, unshowered bodies (all of us), unbrushed teeth (all of us), uncombed hair (all of us), and eating binges (some of us - not saying who). Where do we draw the line for acceptable?"

A: Well, Angie, let's just say it shouldn't last too long. At the very least throw on a cute hoodie and indulge in a stick of sugarless and I must emphasize minty fresh gum.

Q: Jennifer H from Thursday Drive would like to know: "Will you show up at my house every day and be my personal trainer, so that I can wear jeans that size?"

A: I would if I lived closer. Not that I have any training in that sort of thing but I won't let that stop me and I'll do most anything for cash. I'm not exactly a hard core exerciser, per say. I do just enough to maintain.

Q: HRH from June Cleaver Nirvana would like to know: "I was wondering if you could address a question in the future: Are sailor suits OK to dress boy babies if so, what age must the mother cease dressing her boy child as a sailor?"

A: You must never do this after the age of 18 months. If you slip and do it after this just make sure there are no photos otherwise he has the right to refuse to ever bring future girlfriends home to witness said spectacle.

Q: Colleen from Wine Please (and who I also see is getting interesting visitors via Google) would like to know: "what would be a good OTC self-tanner that won't make me look an oompa-loompa and won't make me stink for days?" and she also laments [based on last weeks advice for shadow colors for blue eyes]: "yeah, I can't quite pull off the gold and/or yellow-based browns since I have freakishly pink skin."

A: Self tanners are the hardest thing to get just right. After seven hundred sixty twelvey different products, I'm moderately satisfied with Dove Energy Glow Daily Moisturizer with Subtle Self-Tanners (yes, that is quite a mouthful I agree). It's large in quantity and a little goes a long way. I didn't turn orange and the scent is pleasing enough. I emphasize enough because it smells the least like perfume scented burning flesh out of all the brands I've tried over the years. And the scent isn't heavy and overwhelming. I also have pinkish skin (although I wouldn't say it is freakishly so) and use makeup with blue undertones (pinks, taupes, mauves, plumbs; stay away from peach and reds).

And Allie doesn't have a question but she does state that I make her happy but not in any sort of gay way. Thank you, Allie. That makes me happy in a slightly gay way. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable.


Don Mills Diva said...

I have a feeling that this column will soon be syndicated worldwide...

AutoSysGene said...

I'm with DMD...I'll be able to say I knew you when.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I sincerely hope the guy from Jakarta follows your advice.

Jan said...

Funny post. Keep up the good (giggling) work.

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Dear Tootsie,

Ate what age is it unacceptable to dress your two children alike/similarly?

Love your column, Tootsie. Love it.


Paula Lynn Johnson said...

Tell me how to get rid of the crow's feet, sister. Short of botoxing my face into immobility.

Someone found my blog by googling "how to make bomb out of poop". A poop terrorist! Scary.

Anonymous said...

Excellent advice on sailor suits. I have totally broken your "sick day apparel" rule this week. Don't shun me. Please.

Madame Queen said...

Okay, you addressed sailor suits, but you didn't address smocked outfits for boys. Are they ever acceptable? I have my own opionion (of course!), but I'd love to hear yours.

And here's one more. I have a pink and brown purse that I love that I carry in the spring. Can I wear black shoes and carry this bag without fear of shame?

Jennifer said...

You make me a gay way. Can I be on your blog roll now?

I am such a whore.

Anonymous said...

Dear Tootsie,

What is the youngest acceptable age for a child to have a cell phone? Call me old fashioned (or mean mom, take your pick), but unless you have a job or live in a town that has more than 2000 people in it, a 12 year old does not need his own cell phone. Your thoughts?

Burgh Baby said...

YOU, my dear, are a genius. Just look at the questions pore in! I can confirm that you are very much so correct on the self-tanner.

I would like to ask another question on behalf of a dear friend of mine. She has a habit of dressing her poor little boy in jon-jons for special occassions. I say this will scar him for life. What say you?

Wineplz said...

ooh you mentioned me! thanks! :D also thanks for the info--just in time for replacing some old make-up.

I feel I should clarify that by "feakishly pink" I mean I am a natural strawberry blonde (well, light auburn now), so I have the pink-ish skin that many red-heads have. I don't have Pepto Bismo skin or anything...

Texasholly said...

I agree with Jennifer about the happy and hope a 3-way lovefest isn't out of the question. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

In response to my question that was expertly answered, I now have another question, "If someone HAPPENED to take 2 year old pictures of each of her three boys in a sailor suit, should that someone destroy the pictures, photoshop them or keep them as is to torture them at their wedding?" I don't know who would do such a thing, but just in case.

Karen said...

Tootsie, you are wonderful. I love that you are so willing to share your vast wisdom with us on life's largest frustrations.

And here's my question: how do I get my teenager to have a better attitude without the urge to wring her skinny little neck every time I'm near her?

Minnesota Matron said...

Tootsie: Now I know. Thank you!!

Anonymous said...

Tootsie, please advise. Long lasting lipstick. Yes or no? If yes, which one will not make my lips feel like driveway? {{{hug}}} and two kisses just like Tim Gunn does ... standing still

Allison said...

Ok fine, so it may be a little gay how much I enjoy your blog, but I'm not ashamed of it.

I am in no way uncomfortable with you being slightly gay. If I knew you a little better I would say we could be know like girlfriends? Hehehe sometimes I'm a little silly.

tz said...

Oh my gosh, this was so funny, so glad I wandered over here!

Jennifer S said...

After all the girly love in these comments, I can't wait to see how people find your blog next week!

I would join in the love, but I see there's already a long line ahead of me. (Hey Ladies, 75% off sale at Nordstrom!!!! There, that's better)

Love that you're doing this column. Has Glamour called yet?

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I'm cracking up over these comments! I can't wait to answer these questions next week! This is gonna be fun.

Anonymous said...

Tootsie, I love this column. You are too funny. Came here via Angie's blog. I love your name, too. It's stuck in my head, all day long. Is that wierd? I called my daughter Tootsie Farklepants yesterday and it made her laugh.
Wheee! Blogging is infecting my brain!

JCK said...

These Tootie Talks are gems, I'll tell 'ya!

I'll try not to like you in a kinda gay way, but it is hard. You make it hard, girl!

Thanks for the laughs. I need them.