Friday, March 28, 2008

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.

The doctor is being seduced with bribes gifts from the pharmaceutical representative while you are forced to wait for your scheduled appointment. Please enjoy the fifteen year old subscriptions of National Geographic or, preferably, the following advice:

Q: Burgh Baby's Mom has a toddler footwear related question: "where can I find toddler shoes that aren't more hussy than the ones I wear? I refuse to be out-hussied by a two-year old."

A: My first impulse is to tell you to throw some Crocs on her because there isn't any possible way for that affront to fashion to be in any way construed as "hussy". But I cannot, in good faith, advise anyone to ever wear that offensive footwear. How those things ever attained their popularity makes me want to weep for feet nationwide. Diligent researcher that I am, I found these, that appear to be designed specifically to make your head explode for your Burgh Baby. Don't say I never did anything for you. You're welcome.

Q: Holly from Anglophile Football Fanatic is giving my advice a second chance and writes in via email to know: "How frumpy is it to give up highlighting my hair? It's expensive. It grows out too quickly. I always feel like I look trashy at the end of month 3....any advice?"

A: Before I start doling out the sarcasm advice I'd like to note that Holly is being very big in asking me what I think about anything. Considering the Jon-Jon episode where I unwittingly insulted her, wholesale, and in doing so; nearly put the kibosh on a faux commitment ceremony between her and Burgh Baby's Mom. Even though between the two of you there were probably a few distant relatives that were relieved by the news of the break up, and reassured once again in the power of prayer; I did not want to see that [break up] happen. Now on to your hair. Blonde highlights are expensive. I spend in one month on my hair the equivilent to a car payment for a moderately sized economy vehicle. That is very cringeworthy. Blonde is high maintenance. Here are some options:

  1. Alternate your highlights between a partial and a full weave every other salon visit. A partial is usually significantly less expensive.
  2. I notice that you wear your hair very straight. Once it gets to the obvious, "there's a trailer in tornado alley with my name on it" roots faze, abandon your flat iron and wear it fuller. Straight hair and a straight part emphasize the roots. You want to lift the roots so that they're hidden (i.e. some curls with a big barrel 1 1/2" iron and a little teasing at the crown but don't get too 1985). And don't wear it pulled back off of your face at this point because it will look like you have a ring around your head.
  3. If you insist on ditching highlights altogether, I suggest going with an all over shade that closely matches your natural hue and the grow out will be considerably less noticeable. Just don't do it yourself like me someone we all know and love.


Karen said...

Well that answers that. I've never colored my hair after the time I turned it blue but was thinking of highlighting. I guess I won't be now. I am so low maintenance that it scares the crap out of me. Why does beauty come with such a high price tag?

Madame Queen said...

While I, too, hate the croc trend, I will say that I love them b/c even a 2 year old can put them on by herself and that my friends makes me very happy.

1blueshi1 said...

don't I wish I could still afford the luxe, pricey salon visits...I remember when I'd go drop 300.00 on my hair (and that was about fifteen years, so a dollar then was roughly, in dog years, would be...eighty four in today's currency...right, Mr. Greenspan?)
now my cute litte short cut is brushing my shoulders cuz I can't afford a trim...bah. this is why I wore it long, straight, and brown for about 5 years! Cheap and easy--I mean, Nice 'N Easy.
also, I have noticed that where ever I go, women have STOLEN my haircut! I feel like Posh! And Katie Holmes! The chick in Doomsday, every other girl I saw at the mall a couple of weeks ago, and then a girl at work just chopped her locks into an approximation of the style I'm rockin' as well! Stop, thieves!!!

Unknown said...

You crack me up. I do actually alternate between fulls & partials, but after 16 years of getting them done, I'm just so tired, you know? My hair, although very very fine, is THICK. So, short of spending half an hour trying to get it to do something other than straight as a board, I'm stuck with straight. I hate my hair, if you couldn't tell.

Burgh Baby said...

Oh, dear. I just can't stop laughing.


Anyway, I do believe AFF may have told you that she is punishing me by unloading random Dora crap on me. Thanks for joining her. (I'm kind of hating myself for liking those, btw. I got so far as to add them to my shopping bag before I slapped myself. In other words, if I find them at the mall, we will own them. Crap.)

I can't give up my highlights. I want to, but I just can't. However, I always only do partial. I'm too cheap to go for all-over and it doesn't seem to matter anyway. I throw lowlights in every other trip to keep it from getting out of control.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Madame Queen~ Their slogan should be "Crocs, ugly as sin but so easy a two year old can do it".

Anonymous said...

Forget my web design courses---I'm signing up for Cosmotology 101 to make the big bucks.

Jennifer S said...

To Tootsie's very excellent advice, (for a fullness alternative) I suggest using Velcro rollers after you blow-dry your hair. Spray each section, then wrap it around one of the rollers (I don't know how long your hair is, but a medium sized--2" or 3" roller should work.). Leave the rollers in while you do other things to get ready, then take them out and maybe do some back-combing at the crown like Tootsie suggested. These are great for adding some lift and volume (though not really any curl), and I always feel more polished when I use them. And she's right, an uneven part is better.

Fantastic advice, Tootsie.

Unknown said...

I have a question for next weeks advice column. The answer to this might be obvious and I might be stupid but is it okay to wear skinny jeans with a pair of wedges? Like this kind of wedge:

Nick & Lizzy said...

Wait, I didn't see the baseball hat option there...what are you trying to say?

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Excellent advice. Except for the sandals thing. My advice: even if you have to learn to cobble(?), don't ever buy shoes with a cartoon character on them. It's just . . . ugh!

Anonymous said...

We live in crocs. Excellent advicse Toots.

Anonymous said...

Oh Tootsie.

While crocs may be ugly as sin (and I admit, I've bought them, mainly because I can throw them in the dishwasher) they beat -hands down- anything with a cartoon character on them. period.

I realize that you were trying to make a funny point with Burgh Baby's Mom, but please consider that by making public this blog, and purporting to advise poor stay-at- home moms (who, by default, will probably be stuck in the fashion period of their last year at work), you have taken on yourself a duty to advise carefully and forthrightly.

I will never ever let my child wear anything that advertises anyone else -- Disney, Nickelodian, etc.

Maybe croc's motto could be "Ugly as sin, but at least we're not riding the success of an imaginary falsetto-voiced toddler."

San Diego Momma/Two Funny Brains said...

I get a toner put in my hair b/w highlights. I get pretty light blonde highlights that grow out quickly, but I've found that if I ask my hairdresser to put the toner in b/w "real" highlight appointments, (your roots can't be TOO grown out), then it buys me more time before I have to plunk down some gold bullion for the heavy duty highlighting appointment.

Also, I swear by Stride Rite shoes or Geox. They are more pricey...but they last FOREVER and I can hand down my oldest daughter's shoes to my youngest, which doubles the life of the shoes. They've also got cute, age-appropriate styles.


Tootsie Farklepants said...

debawriter~ I've done the toner thing too a couple of times. It is a life saver! Also? The last time I went to Stride Rite, the sales girl insisted that I buy shoes in 2 sizes larger than my son's actual size. Telling me that he would grow into them. I explained to her that I wanted him to be able to wear them right now. I ended up leaving because she was pretty bent out of shape about my dismissal of her professional opinion. They do have good shoes though.

jennifer h~ I heart velcro rollers!

marlee~ I'm not really a fan of baseball hats worn outside of the field. Although, I'm probably in the minority on this opinion.

anonymous~ I can put my sponge in the dishwasher, but I won't strap it to my foot. I'm pretty comfortable in assuming that anyone who reads my disclaimer at the head of my advice column knows that I'm mostly joking about much of what I say. Plus? I've already advised against Crocs and high heels for children. There's only so much saving people from themselves that one girl can do. Now I must go. The Pope needs me.

Mrs. G. said...

I will never be separated from my highlights. They are the most expensive thing I own!

OHmommy said...

I alternate too between partials and full.

Although... it has been a while. Which reminds me I need to set up my next appointment!

Minnesota Matron said...

I'm sorry, Tootsie, but you can pour any old color or fluid on your head and still be drop dead gorgeous. We of the Matronly ways just fester, envy and all that.

JCK said...

Are you sure you aren't secretly a hair stylist fashionista? I am highly suspicious. As for the Dora sandals. You are correct. Ugliest damn sandals I've ever seen.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

Can I just say that you are one funny dame? You are. And please don't look to closely of any pictures of me from Easter Sunday that might be posted on my blog in which I might be wearing offending footwear with fuzzy lining. I know how bad they look but with the fuzzy lining they are warm and comfortable and slip off easily when I go through airport security and besides everyone is looking at my dark roots/grown out highlights and not my feet and thinking that I am the Queen of the Run On Sentence and so I can get away unnoticed with the fuzzy footwear, no?

calicobebop said...

Oh Dr. Farklepants - you are a genius. Seriously, I have tons of problems with my roots. I'm about 60 - 75% gray and I color my hair to cover it, plus I get highlights because they're pretty. And, sue me, I want to be pretty too.

Anyway, I'm going to take your advice and not wear my hair pulled back or straight when The Roots are making an appearance. Great advice!

Here's my question: I'm in my "early" 30's and I don't intend to age gracefully but I'm not ready for surgery. Yet. I've been able to tackle the crow's feet with moisturizers but the laugh lines are resistant. Any advice? Much obliged. Thanks a million!

Texasholly said...

The jon-jon is very powerful.

Do you know where I lost my favorite ring?