The Answer to Victoria's Secret: Vicki is Rich

Oh, hi! There's boobs on my blog.

With the economy in crisis mode and the Dow plummeting lower than, well, that bra up yonder; it's good to know that those with expendable income can purchase their unmentionables to the tune of FIVE MILLION dollars. Know this: If I owned a bra detailed with 3,900 precious gems, I would run all of my errands, shirtless.

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Thank God it's Friday. And it is. I just checked. Monday I thought it was Tuesday. Tuesday I thought it was Wednesday, and Wednesday I thought it was...nope! Not Thursday. Friday. So basically, I'm just lost. Because it's summer vacation and with the kids home I honestly wasn't sure what day of the week it was. And the date? All I can say is you should be glad that I use my debit card for everything and you aren't stuck in line behind me while I'm trying to fill out a check.


Ann from Velvet Lava sent a lovely email seeking my opinion on matching undergarments.

************************

Hi Tootsie -

Hope all is wonderful and whoopie cushions in your neck of woods, darlin'! I so love visiting your blog every darn day - it brightens my morning. Well, not that it needs much more brightenin' - what with the scorching Phoenix sun over here. Anywho! I have a question for your advice column! Woot! Here ya go:

Okay Toots, I have a friend who insists that all women should wear matching bras and panties every stinkin' solitary day! Who the Farkle has time for that and am I the only one who doesn't DO this? Or is Miss Matchypants in need of medication here? A bitch slap? WHAT?

That is all!

Air kisses,
Ann

***********************

It may rock my readers to their very core to learn, especially after my admission of dashboard adornments and last weeks marital advice; that when it comes to my bras and panties I'm more fashion practical that I am concerned with weather or not they match. For instance, if I'm wearing a white skirt and a black top, I choose my undergarments accordingly (nude undies and a black bra). In my opinion, it is more important that your unmentionables are virtually undetectable to passerby than the aesthetic pleasantness of color and fabric coordination. ALL THAT BEING SAID - It's a personal choice. While I do have time to do all that matching [and I DO make time especially in those situations where I know they'll be seen and in a heap on the floor in about .08 seconds] this becomes a costly practice. And it's not like I walk around looking like a schlub underneath. I keep things cute. Never underestimate the power of Lacy Little Nothings. Wear those and I dare you to ask him the color of your eyes AND your bra. He'll be all, You HAVE eyes? And what's a B-R-A?

I also have a friend that not only adheres to the same belief as your own friend; on special occasions she insists that her mani-pedi also coordinate with her underthings. And I've yet to meet one single male who notices or cares if your nails match your g-string and lace demi-cups. Although, my wedding anniversary is coming up. Perhaps a scientific study is in order. With graphs and copious photo evidence.

I should also note that if it simply makes you feel good to know that you're rockin' the Casbah underneath that business suit, then by all means, rock on.

Her Sense of Style Borders Extreme

The Girl-Child and I took a trip to Tilly's because I wanted a pair of calf length leggings. What? Yeah, I know. See, I bought some full length leggings like almost a year ago and I just wore them for the first time a week or so ago. I had to first come to terms with the fact that I would be wearing leggings for the first time since 1992 and in order to prepare, I had to visit my tremendous place of courage. I believe that may be located somewhere just north of my spleen; which would explain why it took so long to find it. When I finally slipped them on, I was shocked at the hugeness of them because how can something look so small on a hanger and not be? I know it's been a while, but I don't think leggings are supposed to have that much slack in them; and if I pulled them all the way up then the waist nestled comfortably against my nipples. It just seemed wrong, ya know? But I'm really liking the look with sundresses. I also like sundresses with jeans, but those I have plenty of. So, anyway...Tilly's. It's the place to shop if "Skater At Any Age" is the look you seek. They meet all of your skater needs. They also have really cute clothes for kids, although a smidge pricier than Target and Old Navy. Girl-Child spies a shirt that she HAS TO HAVE RIGHT NOW MOMMY PLEASE IT'S PINK!!! and she makes a bee-line for it. [Quick aside: Do your kids ever run kind of hunkered over like say, oh, an Olympic speed skater? Just asking because that's what she did] I can see it and it's not what I would choose for my My Little Pony loving girl. So I'm picking up others along the way trying to dazzle her with my own taste and even resorting to jazz hands, "hey, look! This one has a unicorn on it" and then "nevermind" when I realize it's dusted with a fine layer of GLITTER. I avoid bringing glitter into my home at all costs (i.e. Nice school project, Sweetie! Let's keep this in the garage!). So then I was like, how about this? This is pink!




Or this? It's Paul Frank! Look! MONKEY!



And she was all, "No. I want this one Mommy".



Sigh. Hopefully someday we won't be at the tattoo parlor where I'm trying to distract her with a more discreet tramp-stamp.

**UPDATED SCROLL TO BOTTOM** Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Slogan of the day:

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Q: Standing Still pretty much answers her own question: "Question. Age 45 and linebacker thighs. Not the thinnest they've been Shorts? I'm thinking, "not." Thanks."

A: I'm not a big shorts lover to begin with. Skirts, yes. Shorts, no. I've worn them, of course, but if you want to beat the heat then a skirt (just above the knee or longer) really is the way to go. Not only is there more air circulation but they're great sin hiders. Shorts make me think of kids and/or tourists. Skirts are classy even when casual and your sweaty legs won't stick to the seat when you try to get up.

Q: JCK of Motherscribe seeks smooth legs: "What is the best razor? And do you use shaving cream? I am known to go a day(s!!) without shaving, but if I try to shave every day I get nicked-up legs. Yet, if I go more than one day the sharpness of the hair is akin to Cactus thorns. The poor Sot husband has to wear armor to combat the razor burn from my legs! Help??"

A: I cannot even fathom shaving without shaving cream! I know I used plain ol' soap in those early years but I've assigned that memory to the dark parts of my brain that I no longer have access too. I use Skintimates shaving cream for dry skin for anything that needs shaving. And I use Venus disposable razors because I use a new one every time for the best results (I just cannot type that word without first typing "resluts"...dyslexia or something else?). The best is if you can manage a day or two in between so that there's a little growth to contend with. So? Can you? Can you manage to keep your legs to yourself for a day or two? Perhaps consult the Kamasutra for some tips on positions that don't involve your legs? I know it's on your bedside table, JCK. Don't lie.

Q: Inzaburbs seeks smoothness a little farther north: "While on the subject of razors - when replying to jck please be sure to include bikini line advice! I am committed to going to the pool every day this summer and do not want to wear one of those little skirty things that have made a resurgence."

A: Ooohhhh...Vag talk! My favorite! For the most attractive bikini line I recommend a wax. That is, if you can tolerate it AND afford it. And aren't shy since depending on what you need removed from where, your esthetician could be your new bestest friend; seeing parts of you that you yourself are physically incapable of witnessing. This was once common practice in my grooming rituals but like I said, it's pricey. Eventually, we sat down and had to have a imaginary serious discussion - just like countless married couples nationwide, I'm sure - about just how much of our household budget was being spent on my vagina. I mean, our oldest is going to need braces soon. A wax lasts about 3 weeks. So if you get it done just after you finish your period, it should last until you start again and during the time you are, um, occupied with a feminine hygiene product of some sort, this is when the regrowth can be allowed to flourish and you'll be ready for your next appointment. Seriously though, if you're just doing it for the summer, this is a good way to go. ~ how many men are still here? Raise your hand.

Q: OHMommy seeks parenting advice for the stubborn child: "How do you deal with a stubborn middle child that refuses to eat her green veggies?"

A: I'm probably the worst source for this particular advice considering my oldest child lived on Eggo Homestyle waffles for two years of his life and probably just barely dodged a raging case of scurvy. I know that Jessica Sienfeld thinks she's so original with her Deceptively Delicious ways, but mothers have been hiding veggies in their kids meals forEVER. If that doesn't work, consult your local pharmacist about making them into suppositories. Any child faced with that choice will happily take their veggies orally. If not, consult a therapist.

Q: Cheri has today's hair related question: "I'm thinking about the "Heather Armstrong on the Today show haircut." What do you think? It looks FABULOUS and even holds up under the dissin' of a couple of mean girls. It is hawt and could come in handy at PTA meetings . . ."

A: It is hot and you totally should! The "Dooce" would do for hair in the millennium like the "Rachel" did for the '90's. And it would probably draw in a whole new demographic of non-blog reading women who would be all, "who knew what I was missing?". I personally can't pull off a bob. It makes my chin and my neck appear to be one sole functioning organ and it ain't pretty. But if you aren't plagued by that particular kind of nasty, then go for it!

Q: The Mom Bomb is stumped by a critter from Nick Jr.: "Oh: another question for Prof. Farklepants! What the hell is "Uniqua" from Backyardigans? A bug? We could never figure it out."

A: What the hell is Uniqua?! Other than the fact that she's clearly a female judging by her name, why, she can't be filed neatly away in some category just to appease us! Our need for everything being just 'so'! She is intentionally vague. And she's all, "I'm Uniqua and I'm unique! The name says it all, so just deal" and then she gave three snaps up in Z-formation. And, I believe? Rolled her eyes and sucked breath through her teeth at us. She's becoming a bit of a prima donna from all the attention she gets.

***UPDATED***

Q: Karen at The Rocking Pony sent these questions via email AND I TOTALLY MISSED IT: "Okay, that's it. I've had it. What is there to do about sorting socks when you do laundry? With all the kids wearing similar sizes it's hard to know who's is who's. I HATE SORTING SOCKS. What do I do to avoid this? I've tried having the kids do this for me (because it's mostly their socks) but they don't really pull through like I'd hoped."

And I'm also looking for a lip gloss that works for me. I don't like shiny-glittery and I don't like gooey-sticky. I know you like Carmex (and I do, too) but I like something gives a little more gloss that than. Any suggestions? Thanks for your help. Too bad it's Friday and I have to wait a whole week for answers.

A: First of all I want to apologize that you had to wait, not only until Friday, but until the end of the day because a certain blogger that goes by the name of "Tootsie Farklepants" managed to forget to flag this message in her inbox. We've pulled her aside and had a chat about responsibilities. BUT! Don't feel too bad because Anglophilefootballfatnatic's submitted question has gone completely AWOL. Okay... Honestly? With the socks? Write their name or first initial on the bottom heel. With my daughter being in preschool and socks mandatory, almost every pair she owns has her name written on the bottom. And if your kids don't want to go for that because it's not cool or they think it's lame, or whatever, then they risk wearing mismatched sized socks.

Lipgloss... repeat after me: Cover Girl Wetslicks. I wear it in Iced Berry and Wine Shine. It is not too gooey, sticky, sparkly, or look as if you ate a glitter sandwich for lunch. It's pretty sheer too, which I like. One drawback, and I will be honest, it is not long lasting. You'll have to reapply every couple of hours. But I've been using it for about three years now. Which means it will be discontinued soon.

Hello Old Friend, May I Have a Word With You?

Dear Old Navy,

We go way back, you and I. I've been very good to you what with all of the buckets of cash I dump in your lap on a consistent basis. In return, you've provided my family and myself with affordable, attractive clothing; plus, yeah, COMFY. You've also been there for me when I find myself in a pinch looking for last minute gifts or when I'm in immediate need of an outfit for a sudden engagement. You've got that covered. I've even snagged some Christmas ornaments; what will you think of next? You usually have a wide selection of various styles that appeal to people of all ages. You are the poor man's GAP. However, I'm bothered by your current inventory and I think you know what I'm talking about. Two words: tube tops. Ninety percent of the clothing options that fall in the "shirts" category for women, are tube tops, right now. If this were twelve years ago you and I would not be having this conversation. Because twelve years ago my breasts weren't located so far south. Perhaps you aren't aware of what this type of garment does to the breasts of a woman my age. I won't go into graphic details but let's just say things get pushed farther (further?) down. This garment also forces me to wear a strapless bra which, because of the severe discomfort, makes me all kinds of bitch. If I have to go through the day distracted by my undergarments, people suffer. It's just the way it is.

If I may, I'd now like to discuss your stocking procedure. It is severely lacking and quite the suck. You are located in an area where everyone loves you. All of these women have families. We are a very family based valley. I believe it is a requirement to have at least two kids to even buy a house here because there are that many of us. I'm sure you're also aware that every public school in this district is at capacity? And that there are one thousand students attending my children's elementary school, alone? That's just the one school. There are several. I also know that everyone shops with you because we're all wearing the same outfits. At first we were all embarrassed but we've learned to accept it. Although we still have trouble distinguishing our own children from others at the park. So, when you run out of popular items, would you be so kind as to replenish them? Think white tank tops in a size small and white flip flops, size 10. Thanks. You're a peach. Because when you force me to have to order things online that should be in your store, you cause the vein in my husbands head to bulge and then we have a fight. Lord knows that he has no place talking to me about wasting money because of that whole ugly ticket thing. But, the statute of limitations will only last so long on my leverage with that; and there will come a time in the near future where I won't be able to hold that over his head any longer. So, don't cause fights between us. I could thank you for the make up sex but I'm not about to go into the intimate details of our marriage.

One more thing before I go; your sundresses? Are over priced. Thirty to forty dollars for a dress that you and I both know will be on sale by the months end, is in poor taste. And the joke will be on me because by the time that sale rolls around, you'll no longer carry my size. I've so been through this with you before.

Cordially yours,

Tootsie Farklepants

P.S. I'll probably be there tomorrow to replace some of the kids wardrobe from last summer, so I hope there's no hard feelings between us. That would be awkward.

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Today I will first address the questions of those whose Google searches directed them to my blog.

Q: Indonesia, Jakarta, Jawa Barat is curious about "son suck daughter".

A: First of all, I'm terribly disturbed by a) that word combination, and b) that it brought you here. I don't know what it is that you want to know about that and furthermore I don't want to know WHY you want to know (4 knows in one sentence for the record). There is something seriously wrong with you. You are sick. Please seek professional help immediately.

Q: San Diego, CA would like to know, "how to correct a very mild turkey waddle"?

A: You correct it by preventing it in the first place. Once it's there, you have a very mild turkey waddle. Anti-aging creams and firming agents can help prevent it from becoming more pronounced, but I'm afraid anything short of cosmetic surgery (or visiting someone with the word "Doctor" preceding their surname and perhaps on your lunch hour) won't rid you of it. I'm sorry.

Q: South Africa would like to know about "important people in space".

A: The NASA website would probably be more helpful to you than a mom blog. Considering I don't recall blogging about astronauts.

Now for the reader's questions:

Q: Angie from KEEP BELIEVING would like to know: "are sick children an excuse for oversized sweats, unshowered bodies (all of us), unbrushed teeth (all of us), uncombed hair (all of us), and eating binges (some of us - not saying who). Where do we draw the line for acceptable?"

A: Well, Angie, let's just say it shouldn't last too long. At the very least throw on a cute hoodie and indulge in a stick of sugarless and I must emphasize minty fresh gum.

Q: Jennifer H from Thursday Drive would like to know: "Will you show up at my house every day and be my personal trainer, so that I can wear jeans that size?"

A: I would if I lived closer. Not that I have any training in that sort of thing but I won't let that stop me and I'll do most anything for cash. I'm not exactly a hard core exerciser, per say. I do just enough to maintain.

Q: HRH from June Cleaver Nirvana would like to know: "I was wondering if you could address a question in the future: Are sailor suits OK to dress boy babies if so, what age must the mother cease dressing her boy child as a sailor?"

A: You must never do this after the age of 18 months. If you slip and do it after this just make sure there are no photos otherwise he has the right to refuse to ever bring future girlfriends home to witness said spectacle.

Q: Colleen from Wine Please (and who I also see is getting interesting visitors via Google) would like to know: "what would be a good OTC self-tanner that won't make me look an oompa-loompa and won't make me stink for days?" and she also laments [based on last weeks advice for shadow colors for blue eyes]: "yeah, I can't quite pull off the gold and/or yellow-based browns since I have freakishly pink skin."

A: Self tanners are the hardest thing to get just right. After seven hundred sixty twelvey different products, I'm moderately satisfied with Dove Energy Glow Daily Moisturizer with Subtle Self-Tanners (yes, that is quite a mouthful I agree). It's large in quantity and a little goes a long way. I didn't turn orange and the scent is pleasing enough. I emphasize enough because it smells the least like perfume scented burning flesh out of all the brands I've tried over the years. And the scent isn't heavy and overwhelming. I also have pinkish skin (although I wouldn't say it is freakishly so) and use makeup with blue undertones (pinks, taupes, mauves, plumbs; stay away from peach and reds).

And Allie doesn't have a question but she does state that I make her happy but not in any sort of gay way. Thank you, Allie. That makes me happy in a slightly gay way. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable.

Strappy and Feminine: The Gladiator

Something I've been seeing a lot of in my fashion magazines. I predict a lot of women walking around looking like Spartans this summer. Seriously. These are awful. The only time they're not awful is if you're Julias Caesar, Russell Crowe, or Jesus.

There Will Be Daniel Day Lewis

Designer tux? Impeccable. Dedicating his SAG award win to Heath Ledger? Heartfelt and super classy. His jewelry selection? Questionable. Yet fancy.

Dip..Bend..Stretch...Tug...Ready To Go!

I don't have many chances for dressing up, being a full time mom and all. Dressing up means I go with the velour track suit to wear to the market and maybe some sparkly flip flops. Which, when you get right down to it, are sweatpants and thongs. So when I read "casual chic" on the holiday office party invitation Mr. Farklepants brought home last week; my mind saw this: casual "chic". On Friday evening, I was definitely the most overdressed person in attendance. I also didn't take into account that nearly all of the other guests were coming straight from work and were wearing their finest office attire. I, however, wore a black sheath adorned with silvery jeweled embellishment around the boat neck area. The jewelry I chose was a silver bangle bracelet and large silver hoop earrings to make it more modern and less Jackie Kennedy. Needless to say, I skipped the pill box hat. Just in case you were picturing that. And with the three inch black suede pumps, I was the tallest woman (and in some cases, person) in the room. I did not blend in. I was obvious. I took delicate care in choosing this outfit. I considered the party's location - Very Swankyville in the heart of Uber-Upper-Class where movie stars and studio executives live side by side. I accounted for the guest list - very importportportant people that determine how far up the food chain Mr. Farklepants can climb. He's up there and we'd like him to go further, thanks. My mission that I chose to accept Friday evening was to make the finest first impression. Which is why, I changed my pair of tights before leaving the house. I bought three pair because I'm all about options when it comes to fashion. I really hate to find myself in a situation with no where to go but with an unfortunate choice. In no particular order they consisted of: basic black, basic black with a pattern, and a silver pair because I don't know what I was thinking. They worked in the image I had in my head but at home I just couldn't bring myself to waste my time putting them on. I started with the patterned black because they were fun. After making my entrance into my living room and judging the expression on my sister's face and her "Weeelllll...", it was determined that they were not fun. They were wrong. Mr. Farklepants remarked that they were a little too "Playboy" and it just wasn't that kind of party. At all. Maybe they were fun; just not right now. This scared me straight into conservative and I went basic black. No. The only thing casual about my ensemble was the fabric: a comfortable matt jersey. And perhaps the practical flesh tone seamless thong underwear that are just orthopedic lingerie for your ass. Not sexy no matter how hard you stretch your imagination. The end.

All in all a lovely evening. I adjusted to being around grown ups and acted accordingly. I didn't cut anyone's steak for them. I did hold up three fingers once or twice when asked how many children we have; just in case they had trouble with the spoken word and needed illustration to understand. I have this many. I was friendly and positive. I held my own in conversation. I was not a wallflower nor was I a guffawing idiot that lacks a social filter and spews inappropriateness. I did not catch any part of myself on fire - which really is a miracle in itself considering my genetic clumsiness, hundreds of tealight candles on the floors and tables, and flammable fabric on my body. I enjoyed delectible Argentinian food that was prepared on an outdoor wood burning fireplace barbecue. The first appetizer I ate was a sausage sandwich. Stop it. I know your mind just went there. I know this because mine did when I commented to Mr. Farklepants that "this is the best sausage sandwich I've ever eaten". And I said it without being crude. Even though I really wanted too.

They'll Make a Shoe out of Anything

I am predicting mass mutilation of shoes all across America this holiday season. What child can resist fishing a ball out of the bottom of their sneaker? This possible choking hazard comes complete with Built-in Zectron™ SuperBall® technology! In case you were wondering, that is 13 super balls, per foot mind you; for a paltry $65 dollars plus tax!

A Boy and His Hair

My oldest son has long hair (see proof here ) and is ready for a change. Not short, but a new style. He's very excited (as excited as an eleven year old boy can be about hair) about this:

Joe Jonas (center) has the look my boy wants to imitate. I'm on the fence about it and trying not to fall off. Is it just me, or is it a piece-y mullet? A party in the front and simultaneous party in the back kinda mullet? I'm all for risky hair, especially when you're a kid. Since once one becomes an adult it is often difficult to pull it off if you've got a job that says; conservative, please. But a mullet? I have this fear that he'll hate it once the deed is done. And I'll try to keep the rain of hair from sticking to his tears as I shave it all off onto the kitchen floor.

Fashion For Tots

My daughter is currently rocking these pink Bearpaws. I must say, that she's the cutest thing ever! The boots just enhance her uber-cuteness.

Where Be the Cavalli?

Today was a lunch and shopping trip with a dear old friend. Old as in length of friendship...she's in her mid-thirties. Not so old. After scarfing down half of a crab cake sandwich at The Cheesecake Factory (because really,their portions are ridiculous! The waiter wanted to know if we had room for dessert? Are you kidding? Who does? As a matter of fact if I'm not careful and hiccup, I'll be leaving a little of what I already partially digested behind on the table)...we strutted our stuff over to the H&M store. I was very excited. I'd never been and had heard the most awesomest things! It's HUGE. There is a LOT of stuff. There were a LOT of people! Holy moly. Tres crowded, indeed. I loathe crowds but contained my claustrophobia induced irritation because, hey, there were clothes! This store is great if you're a working woman (as in leave the house to go to work everyday and don't have to wear a uniform). Not so much for those of us who spend our day running errands and cleaning children. Sweaters seem to be H&M's thing. Pants for tall women appeared to be non-existent. For those who love to mix and match; this is YOUR store! You can pair nearly everything in there. Their prices are really low...everything under $100...tons for $20 and $40.

I was really excited about the Roberto Cavalli collection that hit the stores on Friday and was disappointed to see NONE. Of course, then I remembered that the shit was gone in 60 seconds after its debut. I did stock up on some bitchen-assed scarves, a sweater, gloves, and a black corduroy blazer that is going to totally rule with my jeans and boots!

Foot Patrol

Have you ever found that ultimate pair of shoes that you've just got to have? Only to find out they don't carry the coveted goods in your particular size? Before you completely freak out, take a deep breath, pull the paper bag off your head and quit hyperventilating. Find out if the lovely salesperson would check to see if they have them in a half size larger.

I'm a "tweener" myself, depending on the type of shoe. My tootsies are somewhere between a 9 1/2 and 10, so I often find myself in this predicament. However, heel liners will take care of that extra roominess in the shoes that are now completing that perfect ensemble you'll soon be rockin'. One word of caution; if you use them in shoes that fit WELL or are a tad on the snug side, the inserts will make the shoes too small for you.

So fear not! Any shoe you could ever want will be yours!

Old Navy...the Go To Store

There are probably more Old Navy articles of clothing folded, stuffed, and hung in closets and dresser drawers of my house than from any other store. I almost always find something there that pulls together that perfect outfit. For myself and the kids. I do have those days where I mosey in there and leave defeated and empty handed...finding absolutely nothing and wondering "what were they thinking with THAT?". Then there are days like today where I have to decide which items to keep and which to begrudgingly put back on the rack. Old Navy was having an amazing clearance sale today, I spent less than $80 and SCORED!! I bought 11 items including tops for myself and dresses for my daughter...some of these pieces were marked as low as $3.97 (for my stuff not the kid!). You read that right.

I love Old Navy. What's your "go-to" store?

What's In Your Closet?

Fall! My favorite time of year for fashion! I'm typically a jeans and sweater kinda gal but I always have a few items in my closet that keep the look up to date. A new pair of boots are essential for the start of any fall season. My black Calvin Klein peacoat that I received for Christmas is, thankfully, still in. Scarves are a great way to throw in some color and texture to your ensemble. This season, it would appear that I'll have to invest in some flats; but hey, if it gets me shopping, I'll make the sacrifice.

What's in your closet?

xoxo

Muffin Top is a Big "Not"

Remember in your teens and twenties you could just about eat anything you wanted combined with some lazy exercise, if at all, and you looked fantastic? Okay, me neither. But I didn't have to exert anywhere near the amount of thought and energy that went into my diet/exercise regime then that I must do now. Now your thirties have rolled around and suddenly there's this little "bloop" rolling over the tops of your pants; even the stretchy ones. Not necessarily a big "bloop", but a "bloop" nonetheless. This "bloop", more commonly known as "muffin top" is a bitch to get rid of...along the same lines of eradicating cellulite.

I watch my diet pretty carefully and my snail paced metabolism has forced me to keep up a moderate exercise program and still this little bastard sits at the top of my hips. Or at least it did. How did I rid myself of this barnacle? I eliminated as much refined sugar from my diet as possible. The major culprit of said sugar? Regular soda pop. That's all that can is...a heaping dose of sugar; multiplied by 3 because that's about how many I was drinking in a day. By switching to diet soft drinks (yes, I know, diet isn't good for you either but neither of them are) I shed 5 pounds in less than 3 weeks and have got my "bloop" under control. Also take the time to read the nutrition labels on the packages of food you purchase. Yogurt (even the low fat) is a huge offender! I was shocked! Good ol' fashioned milk is another.

Read and purchase wisely; oh, and you still have to exercise, and you won't have to hide the tops of your jeans with baggy, loose fitting tops. I know those are "in" right now but eventually they won't be, and every once in a while a girl likes to wear a snug top which is always in fashion.

The Perfect Jeans

As a tall woman with extremely long legs, and let's not forget to mention hip bones that jut out like daggers; I've spent many a disappointing day in department store dressing rooms trying on one pair of jeans after another. Often leaving the store empty handed (and frustrated as all hell). Up until about 1991, jeans for tall women just didn't exist. You either had to buy them too big so that they were long enough but swimming in the waist area, or fit in the waist only to have them hit you above the ankle. Neither is a good look. The latter could be hidden tucked into your boots but that only works in the fall and winter.

Enter the new millennium: I hit my 30's just in time for the ultra-super-uber low cut jean phenomenon! Yay me! But after 3 pregnancies and, well, being in my 30's; this is a ridiculous look; unless you're going for that "trying to look like a 15 year old" style (please, don't try it...people will whisper behind your back). One day I was inspired to give Levi's a try again, which, historically had been an extremely poor fit for my frame. But I found that Levi's had evolved and voila! The Levi's 518 Super Low Bootcut arrived! Don't let the name scare you... they ain't that lowcut. They're significantly lower in the waist than those "mom jeans" but not so low that your ass crack is exposed for all to see. They also have enough "give" in them to hold their shape for hours and not go all "baggy" like some jeans with a little too much stretch in the fabric.

Wash them on the delicate cycle in cold water and hang to dry (never put your jeans in the dryer!). This will keep them looking good enough to wear (even for those evenings out with heels or boots) for years! I've had my original pair for 3 years now and still wear them regularly...with a little fray at the hem for style!

If I haven't sold you on them yet, Sears and Kohl's currently have them on sale for $26.99 and $29.99 respectively...fab news for budget conscious shopoholics like myself!

Happy shopping!