Friday, January 29, 2010

Reason Number One and Counting Why I Will Never Have a Yard Sale

Oh my God, you guys. I can't believe I haven't told this story already - and just when I was starting to think I'd run out of stories to tell. Okay, well, so today I went to the bank which I almost never have to do thanks to that beautiful invention - direct deposit. But I had a handful of checks the kids had received for Christmas and I figured it was high time to cash those suckers. That is all really here nor there except that it explains where I was and why I was parked in a spot that had a lot of cross traffic happening behind me; besides which, it is a better set up than today I was backing out of a parking space. Maybe. I dunno, whatever. Welcome to my stream of consciousness.

Anyway, so I'm backing out -real slow like- because it's busy and the black Toyota Sequoia parked next to me has the blackest tinted windows on earth and I quite literally could not see through them to determine if a car was coming. Or pedestrians. I get just far out enough to see a woman with a shopping cart waiting for me. So I halt to let her go what with that whole pedestrians have the right of way thingy and we do that whole she waves me on and I'm all no, no, after you wave to her and she's like, no really just go so I start to go at the same time she decides to stop waiting for me and we both do that immediate halt thing and she is all PISSED. And by this time I really do have to wait because there is a car speeding by but she thinks I'm still waiting for her and her teeth are all clenched but she still mouths the words just go lady or something because whatever she was muttering under her breath it was said with plenty of seething. So I just GO and I'm kind of hoping I take out her cart with my SUV on the way because I hate her a little bit at that moment and -what the hell? I was just trying to be nice and all law abiding. Screw that chick. And she reminds me of this lady who came to my door once.

Is she finally getting to the story? Yes, I believe she is. And you know what? I think she's realizing it's not really that great of a story. I hope she tells it anyway because I've gone this far. Oh, look...we're taking a trip in the way-back machine! Yay the way-back machine! I LOVE the way-back machine.

It's early summer of 1997, and Mr. Farklepants, a nine month old Boy-Child#1, and I are about thirty days away from our escrow closing on the house in which we currently live. During that time we lived in his mother's house and paid her mortgage and property tax while she lived in another location. We had a great deal with her and it was a perfect arrangement. Except that it was her house and it was always her house and that part was a little hard for a new wife to live with but...hence, the waiting for the closing of escrow on the current house.

Before moving we had a giant three day estate sale. I say "estate sale" because we pretty much sold anything that wasn't nailed down. That included a car. Much of the stuff belonged to my mother in law but the rest of it was what happens when two single people come to live together: a mash up of two separate dwellings, mismatched, mishmash, much of it second hand, most of it HATED. And none of that was coming into our brand new house, save for Boy-Child#1's nursery furniture and our bedroom furniture. Everything else went. And if that meant we had to live with a metal picnic table and folding lawn chairs in the dining room, so be it -but that is what happened- and totally a story for another day.

The estate sale was a success, except for not selling the car, haggling with some woman over a quarter for the dress I was selling FOR A DOLLAR, and getting conned out of ninety dollars. [Editor's note: That was the most authentic looking counterfeit one hundred dollar bill I have ever seen. Lesson learned, no bills over twenty dollars will be accepted, that is if there was ever going to be another yard sale, which there isn't] The following Friday the relatives are all gone, Mr. Farklepants is at work and it is just Boy-Child#1 and I at home when there is a knock at my front door. I answer, and on the other side is a pleasant looking woman...there for the estate sale. I explain that it was the previous weekend thinking maybe she had seen the ad my mother in law had placed and got the dates confused. And she? Was PISSED. Her pleasant demeanor fell away quicker than a drunk cheerleader's underpants at a frat party. "I READ YOUR SIGN" she yelled at me. My sign? "THE SIGN OVER ON THE CORNER OF BLAH BLAH AND BLAH BLAH BLAH". Oh, I'm sorry. My mother in law and her friends took the signs down but I'm guessing they missed one. Well, it was last weekend. "I DROVE ALL THE WAY OVER HERE AND TOOK TIME OUT OF MY DAY BECAUSE OF YOUR SIGN".

By now you'd think I'd be a little afraid and worried about this obviously crazy person on my front porch but the whole time I'm starting to get mad and I'm thinking, I've got a good twenty pounds and four inches on this bitch. I can take her.

BRING IT. I was kind of done being nice and all soft spoken and she actually flinched when I finally lost my shit "SO WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT LADY" screaming with flecks of spittle flying over my threshold. And she just looked at me. So I continued "THIS IS MY HOME NOT A STORE I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SELL TO YOU WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME".


And I finish with: SO FAR YOU'RE THE ONLY IDIOT WHO THINKS IT'S THIS WEEKEND SO GO TO HELL. And with that? I slammed the door in her face.

The end.


LisaDuvall said...

This is possibly the best blog post I've read all week. Seriously.

(she totally deserved a door slammed in her face)

smalltownme said...

Thank you. I feel better now.

Today I screamed at a freaking tourist who was standing in the middle of the street, but my car windows were closed so he didn't hear me.

Yesterday, I told a group of children they were rude when they barged in front of me. I told their mother that too, when they interfered with my shopping a second time. I'm looking at pens at Rite-Aid, WTF do a bunch of kids need to look at pens for???

I am sick of being polite to idiots. Let's all say that line from Network.

I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore.

indywriter said...

The best part of our last yard sale? When a couple in a van stopped by at about 3:30 a.m. to "shop." They could have totally cleaned us out, except the woman couldn't resist rolling her window down to shout some directions to her man. Just what are you supposed to do about that situation... Call the cops? (Hurry Officer, someone is stealing that Michael Bolten tape no one wants to buy!)

If I never have another yard sale it will be too soon.

Coco said...

You run into all kinds of crazy people at yard sales. I had a group descend on me that stole my faux Coach wallets, but at least they bought some of the purses. I was just glad to get rid of them. Oh..and those that want to write a check. No Way in HELL....and they get mad. Tough.

As Cape Cod Turns said...

Maybe the lady that came to your door was the same lady in the parking lot at the bank. She was put on this earth the drive you crazy!!!

Suburban Correspondent said...

Ha! The craziness can go both ways. I was once at a yard sale and picked up a decent looking backpack for my son to carry his books in. Definitely higher quality than, say, a WalMart special; but not something you'd take up Mt. Everest. The tag said 35 dollars; I offered 10. (If I want to pay 35 dollars, I can buy a decent one new.) The woman huffed and said, "That backpack cost me over a hundred dollars!"

Look - is it my fault you were ripped off? And, really, people, if you want real money from your used items, use EBay.

Also? After I put it down and said, "No, thanks"? She let me have it for 10.

MommyTime said...

This is completely awesome. I love that you called her an idiot to her face. She completely deserved that.

calicobebop said...

Well SHIT Tootsie! Way to give 'em Hell! Bat-Shit-Crazy Bitch was probably off her meds anyway.

JCK said...

So glad you made her see reason. I would have loved to see that.

abby said...

love it. someday I hope to have the guts to tell someone off too.

man that must of felt good...

JoeinVegas said...

My goodness, such jumps in images, what have you been doing today?