Friday, December 26, 2008

Exhibit A for Argument in Favor of a Cuss Jar

My dog. Ain't she sweet? Fortunately she's cute. And we love her. Because this dog? Is trying to kill me. She does this thing were she has to be exactly where I am at all times. If I'm bringing the groceries in from the garage, she will lay down about three steps in from where I'd come through the door. So that I don't see her until I've taken one giant step forward and have to do this little side step, jump, hop, skip to keep from stomping her. If I'm unloading the dryer, she will sit directly behind me so that when I open the dryer door, pull out the contents and step back, I will have to pull some pretty impressive maneuvers to keep from squashing her. If I'm in the shower she will lay in front of the door. And I basically have to yell at her to move so I can get out [personally, I think she likes to see me naked because sometimes I catch her and she does this thing like she's pretending she's not looking].

If I'm walking down the stairs she will walk ahead of me. And I'll be going along at a pretty good clip and she will suddenly stop. Just BAM! Stop. And I have to grab onto the wall to keep from going ass over tea kettle over her and down the stairs.

[Speaking of stairs, you know how walking down the stairs is kind of just something you do and not something you have to actually think about; like breathing? Have you ever thought about it while you're descending the staircase? Well, don't. Once you start picturing left foot, right foot, next step; it will jack your shit up. And you look kind of dumb when it becomes obvious you've forgotten how to walk down stairs. Not that I would know anything about that.]

She's a heavy breather and she follows me around doing this hhhhhh hhhhhh hhhhhh thing. Which comes from the pit of her bowels and smells like death. I keep thinking she needs a bath but that odor is from the inside. She's old and apparently rotting. A breath mint won't cut it and I'm pretty sure that even the Tidy Bowl Man isn't brave enough for that adventure.


Sometime during the night on Christmas Eve she was either mad at me, or us, or Jesus, or Santa. Or she wanted coffee in a bad way. And we were met with the contents of our kitchen garbage strewn about the floor. Why don't dogs get in the trash when there aren't coffee grounds in there?

Plus it rained the last two days and I'm pretty sure that she's intentionally going outside just to bring in extra mud followed by more mud. And who's bright idea was it to put cream colored carpet in this house? Oh. Right.

Fricken dog.

31 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I feel ya'. Who do they think is going to feed them if we trip over them and break our necks?

katydidnot said...

there is never no coffee grounds in my trash.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

It's weird how when a cat [ours] engages in that kind of lounging under your feet behavior we're convinced it's demonic, but when a dog is doing it we find it an endearing nuisance.

At least that's how I feel.

Ellen said...

Of course… you have got such a sweet pet.

Nut Nut said...

You've got a cat-dog! I have two cats who do all of those things. Even the shower thing. Cat-dog. Or maybe I have a dog-cat.

Madge said...

oh look. right now. my dog is two inches from me staring at me. waiting. for what? i don't know. but she's waiting. in the kitchen she constantly is right in front of me and i'm always running into her. and then she starts chewing on her foot. chewing and chewing and chewing and chewing

Amy said...

Wow. Our dogs could be (fraternal) twins! He does that same sh*& to us all the time.

Melissa said...

Replace dog with cat and I have one of those living here, too.

I swear that cat is trying to trip me...like one trip to the ER wasn't enough this year!!

Hope you got everything cleaned up and your cream colored carpeting wasn't a casualty.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

She's using the coffee grounds to hide the scent of her cocaine stash.

She probably learned it from an episode of Law & Order.

derfina said...

She LOVES you, mom!

Persnickety Ticker said...

Thanks for the great morning..er..afternoon laugh!

Baby Favorite said...

That is SO my dog, too. I've considered taking out my contact lenses and just letting her lead me around, since she's attached to my hip anyway. (And she IS a yellow lab, so I don't think people would look at me funny. Well, at least people who don't know I'm not actually completely blind. Yet.)

Go see Marley & Me and you'll never look at dogs the same again. And you might leave the theater with extremely red eyes. Not that I'd know anything about that.

Manic Mommy said...

They stare (and judge) when we're naked. Very disconcerting.

Too funny about the forgetting how to walk down the stairs. I can totally see that.

kcinnova said...

I'm not going to concentrate while going down the stairs... I'm not, I'm not...
Oh, shoot.

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

I walk as if I assume I will trip over a dog or a cat. I walk defensively. I never just turn around and take a step. It is dangerous. I always apologize when I step on some animal's anatomy, as if I can help it. I will probably break my neck one of these days.

Stephanie said...

I used to think that animals were little aliens put on earth to destroy us. You're post just confirmed my theory.

laughingatchaos said...

My dog does that to me too...and so do the boys. It's a matter of time before I break a foot or paw moving faster than they do. ;)
And, great, thanks...now I have to concentrate to NOT think about walking down stairs. And God help me if I'm chewing gum then! LOLre

JCK said...

She sounds terribly sweet. If annoyingly under foot. :)

I'm sorry I've been MIA here. I've been very sick with the flu, but am much better now and need to catch up!

Lynette said...

You dog could totally be my CAT. Just add: chasing the kids through the house to bite ankles.

Martha said...

Woman's best friend, and such a sweet face, which is good because the garbage thing is never fun.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Our doggies just love us sooo much. My dogs are big, so when I trip over them you hear this "ooof" sound... not them, but me.

just jamie said...

Maybe your dog and my dog can be introduced, and like, be all cute and obnoxious together.

Jarrard said...

Tripped over my three dogs today after being gone for a few days. That started about 30 minutes of them sniffing my feet and looking at me like "Who is the behodge that has been sitting on your feet while you were gone???? Traitor!!"
And the coffee grounds - I.HATE.THAT!! There is not a broom out there that can get them all in to the pan so you sit there putting your hands on the pile to pick up what you can to throw in the trash can.....or is that just me?
And the rotting from the inside - totally feeling ya on that one.

AnitaKC said...

Oh, thank you for the laugh! We had a dog (God rest her soul) that could annihilate any wastebasket in her vacinity. What is with that, anyways?

Alpaca Farmgirl said...

We have a really naughty dog and kitten. The other dozen are well behaved. But I cuss those two daily. Thanks for the tip on the Cuss Jar. We'll be able to go to Disney on that before long!

Timi said...

Damn animals!
I have the same thing going on here. A dog that has to be underfoot or on me at all times. Makes me cuss like a truck driven sailor.
If I'm not careful of his were abouts when I want to shower he WILL get in the shower with me. If he can't get in the shower with me, then he immediately goes out and poops in the hall way (someone at this house also thought white carpet would be pretty before she got said dog and mean ass cat. The cat is another whole story) while I'm in the shower only then can he comfortably come in and lay on the bathmat waiting for me to get out. Where he does not move until I yell at him.
If this dog doesn’t kill me while I’m walking down the stairs I'm pretty sure he is going to do me in by suffocating me in the night while laying on me. He starts out in his bed and by morning he is laying across me or right up against me so I can’t breathe or move.
If he wasn’t so damn cute I would have taken his stinky, non minding, poopin ass to the pound. The Hubs and I call him our little male model. Beautiful but dumber then a stick. However I think the reality is………he’s smarter than us!

Lisa..... said...

I have to keep the trash on top of the dryer because the minute we go outside, our dog spreads it accros every floor surface of the house. He especially prefers bathroom trash.

Amanda said...

"ASS OVER TEA KETTLE"

I SAY THAT! And everyone thinks I'm crazy. I'm not sure that this has helped me at all, but it's nice to know someone else is there with me.

A Thing for Roses said...

Loved this post and I don't even have a dog. The smell coming from the inside about made me pee my pants. Thanks again for the giggles.

Lisa

Minnesota Matron said...

http://minnesotamatron.blogspot.com/2008/03/matron-must-hire-hit-man.html

We can share!

ed said...

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