Thursday, December 4, 2008

I Hid it in the Fridge. The Rest of the Family Never Had a Chance.

This Thanksgiving my cousin drove down from northern California to spend a couple of days with the family. One of her contributions to the dinner were her homemade biscuits. Also now known as the Best Biscuits Ever. Fortunately she made 750 a whole bunch. So we had them with dinner. Then for breakfast with honey and butter. Then at lunch with gravy. Then at dinner the next night she's all, oh hey! I have a friend who made some jam so, here ya go!

Over the next two days I single-handedly polished off the remaining biscuits. And an entire jar of wild plum jam. And half a jar of strawberry. And when I ran out of biscuits I resorted to bread. Sourdough toast to be precise. Although, once the biscuits were gone the type of bread became inconsequential.

Now if I tried to make homemade jam the end result would be: botulism. And hospital visits. And IV fluids, antitoxins, ventilators, vomiting and enemas. Who's hungry? Making jam sounds like a lot of work. Especially with sterilizing the jars, and sealing, and how do you do that? It doesn't matter I've already lost interest....zzzzz...see?

Clearly the bread is merely a vehicle to move the jam from one location (i.e. the jar) to another (i.e. my gaping maw). I know what you're saying, and you're right. There are other less calorie heavy vehicles that will accomplish the same end result. For instance this mode of transportation:



Sporty and sleek and 100% carb-free! It is also easier to lick a spoon than a piece of bread. While bread tends to be notoriously flimsy (or easily broken when toasted) a spoon has super strength sturdy technology for the eager tongue. Stop it. Stop it right now.

Once you've tried homemade you realize the stuff they're selling in the store is not jam. What it is, is a lie.

So basically I'm disappointed the biscuits are gone. Confidentially, so will the rest of that strawberry jam by the time you read this.

30 comments:

Alexis said...

No one can resist biscuits and Jam. No one human, at least.

smalltownmom said...

I love the Atkins approved jam delivery device.

Slick said...

My Granny used to make awesome biscuits...

My favorite memory of them is when she'd slice them open, melt a big glob of butter and pour some sugar in'em and them close'em up.

Man, deeeeeelicious!

Nothing like some homemade biscuits!

mommypie said...

My stepdad makes crabapple and gooseberry jelly aaallll fall.

The funky equipment that's involved has taken over his kitchen.

I swear it's really a still.

Swirl Girl said...

I made real strawberry jam once (in my former life). Actually picked the strawberry's first, then made the jam. It was DElicious!!!

I think cooking my own methamphetamine would have been far less dangerous, taken less time, and wouldn't have gone to my hips as fast as the jam did.

Mr. Farklepants said...

You never told me you were looking for a vehicle to transport jam into your mouth...

I've got it covered! Atkins approved and unbreakable!

Jaci said...

Okay, here's a funny story:

When I first became a SAHM, I was all "into" it and vowed that I would do amazing Little House on the Prairie-ish tasks like make all of my bread from scratch! I would be a fabulous mom! I would sing and dance and be the source of joy and light for the entire family! Lalalala!

I made grape jelly in my biggest pot--the one I boil spaghetti in--and had sticky, disgusting jelly everywhere. It never set up. It just stayed liquid-y. And I didn't have jars, so I poured it in all of my tupperware bowls and shoved it in the fridge.

The next day I threw it out, and gave up all dreams of superstar motherhood. I'll never make jelly again...but I am open to gifts of homemade jelly that some other supermom slaved over. :)

Martha said...

Homemade Biscuits and Ham, a little slice of heaven.

Lisa..... said...

How do people have the energy to be such good homemakers? But lucky for you.

Last Place Finisher said...

Can I get some butter to melt on the hot biscuit before adding jam?

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I used to make apricot jam with my mom--you're right, it's amazing and you're also right that it is a whole lot of work.

kcinnova said...

Two words for you: freezer jam.

I made this with my SIL this summer. Abso-freakin'-lutely wonderful stuff.
And? No botulism.

Karen said...

I am all about the homemade jam! My mom used to make all kinds when I was a kid. Unfortunately I have a lot more interest in eating it than making it, so my kids will sadly never experience real jam unless someone else makes it & delivers it to my home.

P.S. If you are looking for an even more calorie ridden method of getting jam into your system, try some on vanilla ice cream. Mmmmm...

g said...

I can make pickles. Jelly? No.

Homemade ketchup? Divine!

tysdaddy said...

I had a friend who used to make the best homemade apple butter. I loooove apple butter! Good thing it's alcohol-free . . .

katydidnot said...

seems like a solid plan.

Nora Bee said...

I'm hungry now.

Jennifer H said...

I love homemade jam. And I've never met a biscuit I didn't like. Love. Devour.

dorothy said...

I absolutely love the pic you took with the jam and toast behind it! Nice lighting and composition! Props to you for that.

Also, I still haven't stopped even though you told me too. Hehe.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Homemade jam--there IS nothing comparable.

JoeinVegas said...

Just don't go sticking that spoon into the toaster now. The Mr.'s delivery system, that's another matter, and up to you how to handle that one.

Stephanie said...

Hilarious! There's a store in Gatlinburg TN called the apple barn...AWESOME. They sell it and it's homemade AND you don't have to make it yourself. They even grow their own apples for the apple butter and believe me, there ain't nothin' better than that mess!

Mrs. G. said...

Mr. G. and I made a case of rasbery botchulism on year and gave it away as Christmas gifts. Only one person had the nerve to tell us that the jam was covered in green scum.

San Diego Momma said...

Biscuits and jam are my nemesises. Nemesesi. Nemiseseses.

And I will not tell anyone about the disappearing strawberry jam.

MommyTime said...

mmmmmm...home made jam...mmmmm....

sorry. I got nothing more coherent than that.

Anonymous said...

here's the secret to botulism free homemade jam.....FREEZER JAM. I am definitely canning challenged, but freezer jam is really easy and fast.
It tastes like summer when you open up a new pot of it.
klcrab

Bunny Bunster said...

I make grape jelly from the grapes out of my arbor every year. Really, it's not that hard!

pam said...

Doe she dare share the recipe for 'the best bisquits ever'?

laughingatchaos said...

You can make freezer jam. I make rhubarb jam that way. I really should branch out...

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