I Hid it in the Fridge. The Rest of the Family Never Had a Chance.

This Thanksgiving my cousin drove down from northern California to spend a couple of days with the family. One of her contributions to the dinner were her homemade biscuits. Also now known as the Best Biscuits Ever. Fortunately she made 750 a whole bunch. So we had them with dinner. Then for breakfast with honey and butter. Then at lunch with gravy. Then at dinner the next night she's all, oh hey! I have a friend who made some jam so, here ya go!

Over the next two days I single-handedly polished off the remaining biscuits. And an entire jar of wild plum jam. And half a jar of strawberry. And when I ran out of biscuits I resorted to bread. Sourdough toast to be precise. Although, once the biscuits were gone the type of bread became inconsequential.

Now if I tried to make homemade jam the end result would be: botulism. And hospital visits. And IV fluids, antitoxins, ventilators, vomiting and enemas. Who's hungry? Making jam sounds like a lot of work. Especially with sterilizing the jars, and sealing, and how do you do that? It doesn't matter I've already lost interest....zzzzz...see?

Clearly the bread is merely a vehicle to move the jam from one location (i.e. the jar) to another (i.e. my gaping maw). I know what you're saying, and you're right. There are other less calorie heavy vehicles that will accomplish the same end result. For instance this mode of transportation:



Sporty and sleek and 100% carb-free! It is also easier to lick a spoon than a piece of bread. While bread tends to be notoriously flimsy (or easily broken when toasted) a spoon has super strength sturdy technology for the eager tongue. Stop it. Stop it right now.

Once you've tried homemade you realize the stuff they're selling in the store is not jam. What it is, is a lie.

So basically I'm disappointed the biscuits are gone. Confidentially, so will the rest of that strawberry jam by the time you read this.