Monday, December 8, 2008

The Year McDonalds Ruined Christmas

We have a tradition here in the Farklepants household. Every year when we buy our Christmas tree we pick up McDonalds for dinner. Actually, I hate McDonalds but that's not the point. The Christmas tree lot that we have been frequenting for the last, oh, eight or so years, is adjacent to McDonalds. Or at least, it was. Because this year McDonalds is closed for remodeling. And when they say remodeling they mean tearing the sucker down and digging up the asphalt with a herring a backhoe. Which creates all kinds of safety hazards for Christmas tree shopping. For instance, if the tree lot were actually there, we'd have to scale the Andy Gump chain link fence to get in. Because, all access denied.




This meant having to scout out a new location to shop. And I don't know if you've met my paranoia when it comes to all things: my car? In case you hadn't heard, it is epic. Strapping seven feet of sticks and needles to the top of my SUV causes panic attacks where you'll find me cowering in the passenger seat and covering my ears going lalalalalalalala every time we turn a corner and I can hear movement on the roof. So when finding a new Christmas tree lot it is imperative that it be as close to our home as is possible. Because I would like that thing to spend five minutes or less riding my automobile.

In all our years of Christmas tree purchases, we've yet to lose one on the ride home. But that doesn't stop us from, every year, watching it like a hawk and going is it moving? Is it sliding? Does it seem to be much farther right than it was when we started? Should I open the sunroof and hold on? Can you reach it if you stick your hand out the window? Drive sloooowwwwer. Stop smooooother. Oh shit! Speed bump! It'll bounce! It'll scratch my car! [okay, the last part was just me]

You can see the kind of stress this creates. Hey kids! Isn't Christmas tree shopping just so much fun with mommy and daddy? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. What was that?



Eventually a lot was found. And so was a tree. About that: each year in the Farklepants house you will hear this exchange: I think this is the best tree we've ever had (followed by) I concur. This year? Well, we found a tree that met most of our criteria. Decent height, although a bit shorter that we like. A Noble Fir, but a little too full for practical ornament hanging purposes. And there does seem to be a higher rate of needle loss.

Because it's tradition, a trip to McDonalds was in order. Although, no where near the tree lot. So the tree went home first and then the car was free to pick up dinner.

In the drive-through at McDonalds:

Me: What do you guys want?
Boy-Child#1: Big Mac
Boy-Child#2: Cheeseburger and fries
Girl-Child: A pony.

And wouldn't you freakin' know it? The Happy Meal toy was a My Little Pony figurine. That Girl. She's magic.

**Hat tip to Mr. Farklepants for the title and idea for this blog post when I told him that I didn't know what to write about and he's all, how about how McDonalds ruined Christmas? He's helpful like that.

***Construction Photos by Dorothy Z. and a thank you to the family for allowing to be schlepped over to the construction zone since we were already out taking pictures of the kids for Christmas cards. And also for their patience while we hit up the Starbucks too.

20 comments:

O'Neal (The Woman In Charge Around Here) said...

Congrats on getting the tree and dinner! It is now officially Christmas!

Don't forget about the Home Made Holidays Great Gift Give Away over at my place, who doesn't like winning stuff, especially stuff like FREE blog makeovers, purses, and sparkly jewelry??? Come help me pimp out my awesome friends!

hulagirlatheart said...

I guess it wouldn't make you feel any more relaxed about hauling the tree around on your SUV if I told you about the time my parents' camper came off the towbar as they were driving down the interstate, would it? I didn't think so.

Jen on the Edge said...

We always shove our tree into the back of our minivan and slam the hatch down good and tight. This year, we got a Big Ass Tree and I'm here to tell you that we not only shove the tree in WAY DEEP, we also rode for 35 minutes with branches tickling our shoulders.

georgie said...

your tree and children are beautiful!

Manic Mommy said...

You need my husband to afix the tree. He actually took seamanship as a course at the Maritime Academy, which included knot tying.

Anything ever afixed to the top of the SUV could survive a category 4 hurricane. And it takes freakin' WEEKS to complete.

ps love the tree.

Burgh Baby said...

I hate those damn ponies. Thanks to them? "Can we go to McDonald's" "Can we go to McDonald's" "Can we go to McDonald's" "Can we go to McDonald's" "Can we go to McDonald's" "Can we go to McDonald's" "Can we go to McDonald's" THAT'S ALL I HEAR WHEN WE DISCUSS DINNER. Gah.

calicobebop said...

A pony!! And there was one! Freaking awesome. She is magic.

Tree looks great!

Helena said...

Haha, I love the fact that she wanted a pony.. and got one! Very funny.

Jennifer H said...

In that scenario, I'd be the one freaking out about the tree.

Next time you're at the drive-thru, it couldn't hurt to have the girl ask for a sizable cash prize. Talk about a happy meal.

JoeinVegas said...

You did good, the tree is nice and the kids adorable. Does that mean she already has her Christmas gift, and you can save big bucks? (sorry, just stuck on Jen describing WAY DEEP in caps and thinking of

Swirl Girl said...

You scared me there for a minute.
A cheeseburger...a Big Mac...an a pony?

for a moment I thought....just ick is what I thought ...until you whipped out the happy meal toy.

Tootsie said...

I love it! the tree looks great and the pony saved the day...
I see you have a personal attacker? me too....I think she is gone now...I hope...I will "out" her if she isn't! lol

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I'll take a Hot Fudge Sundae.

Oh, you're not going to McD's? Nevermind.

MamaNeena said...

Is some of that luck your daughter seems to have for sale? I'd buy some of that!

The Girl Next Door said...

OH yeah I share your tree-top-o-car-aphobia. Last year I made Kids get one small enough to wrap and jam into SUV when I actually had to do the driving...

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Sometimes tradition is a bitch, is she not?

katydidnot said...

i think my girl would like to have your girl's powers.

JCK said...

Your girl definitely has SUPAH powers. And Mr. F, too, apparently...a gift for blog post titles. Can he come over to my site?

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

I think it was pure poetry that you were able to get off without having to go and pick up a Sheltland to stick on top of the SUV. Thank goodness for Mickey D's serving you a pony.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Last weekend on our way out to the cut-your-own-tree farm we saw someone on the side of the road who'd lost their tree out the back of their truck. So I guess it happens!