Friday, March 14, 2008

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


This post may be monitored for quality and training purposes. Please enjoy the muzak version of Aerosmith's Dude Looks Like a Lady. The following questions are being answered in the order they were received:

Q: Angie at KEEP BELIEVING would like to know: "Ate what age is it unacceptable to dress your two children alike/similarly?"

A: I will say that I'm not a fan of the dressing children alike. Similarly is acceptable mainly because I've done it myself because it is not the same as "the same". And I'm not even joking; stop when they ask you to stop. If they've reached adulthood without managing to ask then the onus is on them.

Q: The Mom Bomb would like to know: "Tell me how to get rid of the crow's feet, sister. Short of botoxing my face into immobility."

A: Since we do not currently have the ability to go back in time to prevent you from squinting; I recommend a daily slathering regime of Garnier Nutritioniste Ultra Lift anti-wrinkle firming eye cream coupled with L'Oreal wrinkle decrease (night). If it is immediate gratification you seek; invest in a sassy pair of sunglasses to hide said multiple sins.

Q: The Madame Queen seeks advice for two separte issues. First: "Okay, you addressed sailor suits, but you didn't address smocked outfits for boys. Are they ever acceptable?" And also: "I have a pink and brown purse that I love that I carry in the spring. Can I wear black shoes and carry this bag without fear of shame?"

A: A smocked outfit should not be on any boy anywhere unless that boy is featured in a photo circa 1932. Any boys currently sporting any smocking are allowed to be mistaken for a girl. The end. To answer your second question, unless you're the queen of England or a high profile socialite of some kind where you might be ridiculed on the cover of a tabloid for your wardrobe choices; I say go for it. The colors matching doesn't matter so much as the style (i.e. Spring w/ Spring= good, Spring w/ Winter= bad). Which is why the whole Uggs with shorts thing is a disaster and should be stopped immediately and perhaps by smiting.

Q: Tammy at Knitting in My Sleep would like answers to this controversial topic: "What is the youngest acceptable age for a child to have a cell phone? Call me old fashioned (or mean mom, take your pick), but unless you have a job or live in a town that has more than 2000 people in it, a 12 year old does not need his own cell phone. Your thoughts?"

A: As a rule, I agree with you. And as with most rules come exceptions. Which is why when our eleven year old son began walking home this school year coupled with his episodes being on the shit end of bullying, we made sure he had a means to get in touch if he needed a ride home or was in trouble. Because the Bat Signal doesn't work during daylight hours.

Q: Burgh Baby's Mom is playing liaison and asks: "I would like to ask another question on behalf of a dear friend of mine. She has a habit of dressing her poor little boy in jon-jons for special occassions. I say this will scar him for life. What say you?"

A: First off I'd like to thank you and your "friend" for the opportunity to Google jon-jons. Because I had no idea what the feck these were. Now that I know, I would recommend that your "friend" drop this habit. And drop it like it's hot. And when I say "hot" I mean "awful".

Q: HRH from June Cleaver Nirvana has a follow up to her original question and asks: "In response to my question that was expertly answered, I now have another question, "If someone HAPPENED to take 2 year old pictures of each of her three boys in a sailor suit, should that someone destroy the pictures, photoshop them or keep them as is to torture them at their wedding?" I don't know who would do such a thing, but just in case."

A: Follow these simple instructions:

  1. Locate a heavy blunt object. I recommend a sledge hammer.
  2. Knock a hole in your living room wall when no one is looking
  3. Place evidence inside the wall and patch it. If you aren't handy that way then proceed to number 4.
  4. Obtain an easy to assemble bookcase from IKEA to hide said hole. I hear the BILLY system is very popular.
  5. Forget they are there.

Q: Karen at The Rocking Pony is frustrated and asks: "how do I get my teenager to have a better attitude without the urge to wring her skinny little neck every time I'm near her?"

A: If you want an attitude change, my advice to you is: STOP RESISTING the urge.

Q: Standing Still is representing the makeup portion of the question answer period and asks: "Long lasting lipstick. Yes or no? If yes, which one will not make my lips feel like driveway? {{{hug}}} and two kisses just like Tim Gunn does"

A: I never understood the theory behind long lasting lipstick. Just how hard is it to reapply once every couple of hours? And I don't think it's just me, but Tim Gunn's voice reminds me of the "Buffalo Bill" character from Silence of the Lambs..."It places the lotion in the basket".

Q: Dee Dee from Eat Play Love wrote in via email to ask: "Do I need to immediately throw away my 8 year old diesel jeans, if the waist seems borderline mom-jeanish? Oh, and the color is sort of royal blue denim?"

A: If you have to stop and ponder that they may be in anyway whatsoever somewhere in the mom jean camp? Throw them out. Royal blue denim is the lesser evil of the two part dilemma.

21 comments:

Cheri said...

Dang, now I'm going to have to hide the sailor dress pictures of my two oldest daughters, knock a hole in my living room wall, and build a Billy bookcase from IKEA. Dang. I detest building IKEA furniture. I would have skipped the pictures if I'd seen this consequence coming. Does it matter that the photos are 20 years old? Probably all the more reason to hide them.

Karen said...

You can't imagine how much I appreciate such words of wisdom (and the nod to go ahead and wring the neck) but I fear she won't live to change the attitude. So my question now would be, how do I stop myself before actually killing her?

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I'm going to be in so much trouble when my dear friend reads this. Bwahahahaha! (Smooches to the friend.)

Tootsie, you are wise and all-knowing. I absolutely agree on the whole lipstick thing. Personally, I just don't wear any, but if I did, I'd rather apply it all the time that have some semi-permanent gunk on my face.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Please tell me you agree the Uggs with shorts things is especially bad when perpetrated by a SAHM, who also happent to wear a monkey backpack.

I believe he is going for "accessible and whimsical," but I throw up in my mouth a little every time I catch sight of him.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Okay. I'm the "friend" Burgh mentions. I have to take issue here. Your profile says you are in Cali. In the South, it is not only acceptable to wear jon jons/shortalls, it's pretty much a requirement. If you've ever read Playgroupie Jennifer (who gets about 200 comments a day), she had LOTS of posts about boys dressed in jon jons when she lived in Alabama.

My son will not be wearing them much longer as he's started potty training, so I'm getting in as many as I can before it's all said and done. Custom, personalized jon jons are just THE THING in the South for boys. I just literally ordered one for my son's birthday two days ago. And, I have done smocked jon jons twice. It's a Southern thing, I guess.

Burgh, the Vermont commitment ceremony is OFF. I do, however still celery you. And, I notice you keep saying how cute you think all the girls' stuff is at the places I buy my stuff!!

Please don't think I'm chastising you in any way...this is all in good fun.

HRH said...

Alrighty, sounds like someone I know has some home demolition in her future.

Love this weekly item.

So sad about BB and AFF breaking up. I was planning to be the maid of honor at their committment ceremony. I don't want to throw a fellow Southerner under the bus, but I totally agree with your opinion on the jon-jon and smocking. Now I am off to shop for a jon-jon smocked sailor suit for all three boys that matches.

Oh, I do have another unrelated question:

What should I do if I am at Target and there are 27 check out lanes, but only 2 are open and 39 people are in line?

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I sincerely hope that my comments didn't cause any hurt feelings or break up any same sex commitment ceremonies. Please let me know where y'all register. I will send something pricey to make up for it.

xoxo

Angie said...

"stop resisting said urges" ...Tootsie, you are better than I thought. WOW! I look so forward to Friday's for so many reasons. Thanks for adding to them.

KEEP BELIEVING

jennifer h said...

This column is the best way to start a Friday!

Colleen said...

ok, as someone who has put a jon-jon on their son (he was TWO!) and plans to do it again with the second son, I think they are acceptable until the child is like 3 or 4 (or when potty-training gets in the way). I have actually rationalized the jon-jons and rompers, too. Gavin was so skinny that pants/shorts fell off of him...Cooper is so chubby that when he sits in regular pants, he gets a big ol' dunlap belly and urps up whatever he drank in the last half-hour. And I live in the South (but I'll admit I loved jon-jons when I was a Chicagoan).

Melissa said...

Once again, you've doled out the best advice--I particularly appreciated your insight on the phone thing. Good to know that.
Amen on Mom-Waisted jeans--of any brand.

slow panic said...

when i see a boy in smocking i feel scarred for life.

standing still said...

Thanks so much for the lipstick advice. I'm glad to know that I'm not missing anything.

flutterbyshutter said...

Thank you about the dang uggs and shorts! what is even worse is the uggs with the jean mini-skirts. i just graduated from college and i have to say that the combo of sorority girl, uggs, and a mini always made me stop and scratch my head in utter confusion. i mean, if it's cold enough to wear the boots then you must be freezing your booty off. and on the other hand, if it's warm enough for the mini skirt, aren't your feet sweating up a storm?

Don Mills Diva said...

This was AWESOME!

I once saw a couple on Dr. Phil and they were on the verge of divorce because the wife dressed their six-year-old boy in nothing but Jon-Jons. Seriously.

Colleen said...

oh look...you changed your header from earlier today...cute! My vet's office has the same sign...seems to have kept the roving groups of unattended rug-rats at bay.

EatPlayLove said...

see, the real red flag came about with my jeans when my husband mentioned the waist. Now if he noticed something, I new it had to be B A D! Some lucky soul will be getting them for a buck at the Goodwill.

stephanie said...

You're like The Oracle. I'm totally impressed and hope someday I can meet you in person. Do I take the red pill or the blue pill?

JCK said...

This column makes me sing all the way to bed. Well...with my husband of course.

Allie said...

How do you get rid of bags under your eyes? I have had them now for years and they won't go away (not that I've tried anything, but still). Besides covering them in makeup do you have any tips?

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