Friday, May 16, 2008

**UPDATED SCROLL TO BOTTOM** Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.

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Next to the Breast, Tootsie Farklepants's the Best.

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Q: Standing Still pretty much answers her own question: "Question. Age 45 and linebacker thighs. Not the thinnest they've been Shorts? I'm thinking, "not." Thanks."

A: I'm not a big shorts lover to begin with. Skirts, yes. Shorts, no. I've worn them, of course, but if you want to beat the heat then a skirt (just above the knee or longer) really is the way to go. Not only is there more air circulation but they're great sin hiders. Shorts make me think of kids and/or tourists. Skirts are classy even when casual and your sweaty legs won't stick to the seat when you try to get up.

Q: JCK of Motherscribe seeks smooth legs: "What is the best razor? And do you use shaving cream? I am known to go a day(s!!) without shaving, but if I try to shave every day I get nicked-up legs. Yet, if I go more than one day the sharpness of the hair is akin to Cactus thorns. The poor Sot husband has to wear armor to combat the razor burn from my legs! Help??"

A: I cannot even fathom shaving without shaving cream! I know I used plain ol' soap in those early years but I've assigned that memory to the dark parts of my brain that I no longer have access too. I use Skintimates shaving cream for dry skin for anything that needs shaving. And I use Venus disposable razors because I use a new one every time for the best results (I just cannot type that word without first typing "resluts"...dyslexia or something else?). The best is if you can manage a day or two in between so that there's a little growth to contend with. So? Can you? Can you manage to keep your legs to yourself for a day or two? Perhaps consult the Kamasutra for some tips on positions that don't involve your legs? I know it's on your bedside table, JCK. Don't lie.

Q: Inzaburbs seeks smoothness a little farther north: "While on the subject of razors - when replying to jck please be sure to include bikini line advice! I am committed to going to the pool every day this summer and do not want to wear one of those little skirty things that have made a resurgence."

A: Ooohhhh...Vag talk! My favorite! For the most attractive bikini line I recommend a wax. That is, if you can tolerate it AND afford it. And aren't shy since depending on what you need removed from where, your esthetician could be your new bestest friend; seeing parts of you that you yourself are physically incapable of witnessing. This was once common practice in my grooming rituals but like I said, it's pricey. Eventually, we sat down and had to have a imaginary serious discussion - just like countless married couples nationwide, I'm sure - about just how much of our household budget was being spent on my vagina. I mean, our oldest is going to need braces soon. A wax lasts about 3 weeks. So if you get it done just after you finish your period, it should last until you start again and during the time you are, um, occupied with a feminine hygiene product of some sort, this is when the regrowth can be allowed to flourish and you'll be ready for your next appointment. Seriously though, if you're just doing it for the summer, this is a good way to go. ~ how many men are still here? Raise your hand.

Q: OHMommy seeks parenting advice for the stubborn child: "How do you deal with a stubborn middle child that refuses to eat her green veggies?"

A: I'm probably the worst source for this particular advice considering my oldest child lived on Eggo Homestyle waffles for two years of his life and probably just barely dodged a raging case of scurvy. I know that Jessica Sienfeld thinks she's so original with her Deceptively Delicious ways, but mothers have been hiding veggies in their kids meals forEVER. If that doesn't work, consult your local pharmacist about making them into suppositories. Any child faced with that choice will happily take their veggies orally. If not, consult a therapist.

Q: Cheri has today's hair related question: "I'm thinking about the "Heather Armstrong on the Today show haircut." What do you think? It looks FABULOUS and even holds up under the dissin' of a couple of mean girls. It is hawt and could come in handy at PTA meetings . . ."

A: It is hot and you totally should! The "Dooce" would do for hair in the millennium like the "Rachel" did for the '90's. And it would probably draw in a whole new demographic of non-blog reading women who would be all, "who knew what I was missing?". I personally can't pull off a bob. It makes my chin and my neck appear to be one sole functioning organ and it ain't pretty. But if you aren't plagued by that particular kind of nasty, then go for it!

Q: The Mom Bomb is stumped by a critter from Nick Jr.: "Oh: another question for Prof. Farklepants! What the hell is "Uniqua" from Backyardigans? A bug? We could never figure it out."

A: What the hell is Uniqua?! Other than the fact that she's clearly a female judging by her name, why, she can't be filed neatly away in some category just to appease us! Our need for everything being just 'so'! She is intentionally vague. And she's all, "I'm Uniqua and I'm unique! The name says it all, so just deal" and then she gave three snaps up in Z-formation. And, I believe? Rolled her eyes and sucked breath through her teeth at us. She's becoming a bit of a prima donna from all the attention she gets.


Q: Karen at The Rocking Pony sent these questions via email AND I TOTALLY MISSED IT: "Okay, that's it. I've had it. What is there to do about sorting socks when you do laundry? With all the kids wearing similar sizes it's hard to know who's is who's. I HATE SORTING SOCKS. What do I do to avoid this? I've tried having the kids do this for me (because it's mostly their socks) but they don't really pull through like I'd hoped."

And I'm also looking for a lip gloss that works for me. I don't like shiny-glittery and I don't like gooey-sticky. I know you like Carmex (and I do, too) but I like something gives a little more gloss that than. Any suggestions? Thanks for your help. Too bad it's Friday and I have to wait a whole week for answers.

A: First of all I want to apologize that you had to wait, not only until Friday, but until the end of the day because a certain blogger that goes by the name of "Tootsie Farklepants" managed to forget to flag this message in her inbox. We've pulled her aside and had a chat about responsibilities. BUT! Don't feel too bad because Anglophilefootballfatnatic's submitted question has gone completely AWOL. Okay... Honestly? With the socks? Write their name or first initial on the bottom heel. With my daughter being in preschool and socks mandatory, almost every pair she owns has her name written on the bottom. And if your kids don't want to go for that because it's not cool or they think it's lame, or whatever, then they risk wearing mismatched sized socks.

Lipgloss... repeat after me: Cover Girl Wetslicks. I wear it in Iced Berry and Wine Shine. It is not too gooey, sticky, sparkly, or look as if you ate a glitter sandwich for lunch. It's pretty sheer too, which I like. One drawback, and I will be honest, it is not long lasting. You'll have to reapply every couple of hours. But I've been using it for about three years now. Which means it will be discontinued soon.


JCK said...

Oh, Ms. Farklepants, you do NOT disapoint! Thank you! I will take to the shaving cream at once. How DID you KNOW about the Kumasutra on my bedside table? Right between Erica Jong and Positive Discipline for...husbands.

Inzaburbs, I concur with Tootsie on the parts further north. Nothing like a good wax. And you don't have to go Brazillian, but it will make you FEEL like a sexy little THANG. Definitely do it AFTER your period and take some tylenol beforehand. A glass of wine is a nice little addition, although you don't want to fall off the aesthetician's table.

pam said...

Fridays with Tootsie makes Pam happy. (also makes her talk in the third person...)

MommyTime said...

For all the shavers out there seeking a better solution: try an epilady. It's not comfortable the first time you use it. (Understatement of the century. Budget several days, as you'll only be able to manage one lower leg per day before wanting to scratch off your own hands so they can't hold the tool one more second. BUT: it works great on the bikini line. AND: hair that's been plucked (whether this way or through waxing) grows in softer and finer rather than like beard stubble all over your legs. Also, you only have to do it once per week, once you've started, since the few hairs that will grow in over the course of the week will be so fine and far between that no one will notice them. For a special occasion, you can still shave. I use it for underarms too. It's not cheap (about $70) -- but you can get one at Bed, Bath & Beyond with a 20% off coupon, and if you use it twice, you've already saved yourself a bucket of money compared to waxing. Worth a try. Just be sure you've got a belt handy to bite down on the first time you use it. KIDDING! (sort of)

Anonymous said...

Tootsie, as always, your advice is THE bomb. I'm going to let go of the shorts idea and add to the skirt wardrobe.

Anonymous said...

Great information. Two thumbs up.

Although I must wholeheartedly disagree with the veggies-as-suppositories-as-encouragement-to-EAT-
your-veggies contention on the grounds that my youngest two much prefer Tylenol suppositories to chewables.

So yeah, veggies as suppositories could just be the ticket for our family.

Wow. You ARE good. Thanks!

Wineplz said...

that uniqua business has me wondering if maybe we shouldn't watch the show because, honestly, how am I supposed to support her diversity if I have no idea what she is? (that IS why they put her on there, right? to be diverse?) said...

First, AMEN on skirts.

Second, we just barely missed scurvy only due to the fact that my middle child eats pine needled along with her pancakes.

Third, yeah, once a kid needs braces, all budgeting bets are off for any other kind of luxury waxing or salon haircuts or food.

BOSSY said...

Bossy's hair would never behave on the Today show. Darn.

Ann said...

OH! Holy Heckney - I just spent nearly an HOUR playing with that damn slogan generator and I feel I'm just getting warmed over here.

Well, guess we know who's short on brain cells today...and ever.

Mrs. G. said...

I need skirts now. I bought all your L'Oreal recommendations, and they are all fab. Keep helping us fight the good fight, sister.

Anonymous said...

If you haven't done it already, type "shit" in the slogan maker and hit sloganize over and over.

I've been giggling out loud at my desk for the last 30 minutes and I think it may go on for the rest of the day.

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

Mrs. Farklepants, ma'am? Did I offend you somehow? I submitted my Qs and got nary an A...sigh. Sniffle.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Oh dear. I'm looking for it, AFF. And? Found one from Karen at The Rocking Pony that I missed. Will issue late edition update today.

I apologize :(

Suburban Correspondent said...

Bikini line? Sister, if your bikini line is exposed, so are your thighs - and I am just not willing to go there anymore. Skirted swimsuit bottoms for me, thanks!

And shorts for mature women, unless they have no butt to speak of, are a bad idea. Once a friend of mine was walking with her dad behind a moderately heavy woman dressed for summer. She was traumatized forever by her dad leaning over to her and whispering, "It looks like that woman's butt is eating her shorts."

Not a pretty picture...

Anonymous said...

Thank you Ms Farklepants, stellar advice as usual. I will have to see about finding new best friend.

Suburbancorrespondent, I have decided the best way to hide the thighs is to put them on display. Truly. Go look in the mirror next time you get out of the pool in a little skirt. They mould to you. Not wanting to traumatize you but... well, it traumatized me.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Mr. Farklepants~ You're right! "Leggo my shit". "Fill it to the brim with..."

Liz T. said...

So happy to find you! I'm just popping over from DGM. I have 30 mins left @ work on a gorgeous Friday and I'm going insane.

Thanks for making me stop my obsessive clock-watching for approx 9.6 minutes. I'll be back!

DeeDee said...

Another great post. One thing to add though, if you are going to wear a skirt and your thighs rub together (like mine) make sure you rub a little deodorant on the insides of your thighs. I swear it makes the friction less painful!!

Minnesota Matron said...

You put the socks in an attractive basket for two months. If no mate appears, you throw it away. It's a charm.

The Matron wears a boys size 14 (yes!) and because she is over 40, must still hide those thighs. Skirts.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

MAC makes a lip hydrator you wear over your lipstick; I totally love it.

And, yes, Cheri should go for it with the Dooce hair!

Glennis said...

Your vagina impacts the household budget? You are hysterical!!

and my child lived on bread alone the first 6 years of his life, so go figure.

skirts rock!

Anonymous said...

9 out of 10 husbands agree. The part of the budget dedicated to vagina maintenance is money well spent.

The tenth will be donating that money to the California Supreme Court.

katydidnot said...

i just spent like, forty minutes on that slogan site, sloganizing things like "frog" and "flaky" and "katy" and "kal penn". clean the house who?

Betsy said...

Some other advice for OHMommy: Try blanching the veggies. Drop them in boiling salt water (kosher salt packs them most punch) for about 30 seconds, then drop them in an icewater bath. It makes them nice and crunchy, and makes the colors brighter too. Kids seem to be more enticed by those brightly colored veggies.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

When I do the dooce 'do, I'll alert Tootsie and await her learned opinion of it.