Saturday, November 22, 2008

Papa Don't Preach About My Guns and Pythons

After rolling around on that gondola in Italy, she inspired a world wide army of teen girls to wear the uniform of spandex leggings, fishnet tops, lace fingerless gloves, and made visible bra straps acceptable for public. [I was Private Tootsie, captain in charge of headbands and Dep hair gel] She was the impetus that created a surge on black rubber bangles and using the symbol that represents the martyrdom of Jesus Christ as a fashion staple -in ears and around necks. She was, quite frankly, the bomb diggity. And even with all of the dancing, and rolling, and pelvic grinding, her physique remained firm yet soft.

And then something happened to her. It was gradual. You didn't notice it at first. But then you couldn't deny it any longer. That's right. I'm talking about: Yoga. And why didn't we see it happening?

“Yoga is a metaphor for life. You have to take it really slowly. You can’t rush. You can’t skip to the next position. You find yourself in very humiliating situations, but you can’t judge yourself. You just have to breathe, and let go. It is a workout for your mind, your body and your soul.” Madonna.


(Note to self: I hate it when this happens)
(also? hammy cramp)

Madonna, disengage from the Downward Dog. I can't discern what has become of your mind and soul but - What does a girl have to gain by becoming: Lou Ferrigno?

You need a few more sandwiches and a little less: testosterone.

And now? What's this?

You're raiding Cher's closet?

Brit-Brit will be your server for the evening. Would you like to hear the specials?


P.S. Tom Petty called, he want's his hat back.

*all photos Google Images

27 comments:

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

You so bad, you good.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

At some point watching celebs who used to make us feel bad about ourselves, one day, it sneaks up on you, you hardly notice it, makes us feel not-so-bad about ourselves.

Madge said...

oooh. she looks horrible. why does it give me some pleasure to say that?

jenontheedge said...

At some point, Madonna stopped eating food and now only consumes approved Kabbalah food supplements.

Also? It's a bad thing when Britney Spears out-classes Madonna.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Hilarious! You are right Madonna does need a sandwich or two.

Nut Nut said...

She is such a skeletor with muscles.

calicobebop said...

She's getting scarier every day. I haven't listened to the last coupld of albums so I can't tell if scary = better music or what. Maybe she's just bored and has too much time on her hands.

Christine said...

ack! What happened to her? I hadn't seen those pictures of her skeletal, yet he-man arms.

smalltownmom said...

Touche!

O'Neal (The woman in charge around here) said...

What a way to start my Sunday morning! I can't believe I have not seen the "new" Madonna until now, but for some odd reason my Mother's words & warnings of why we don't watch Madonna on television are suddenly haunting me. I hate it when she's right, even 20 something years later!

Jason, as himself said...

Stop! Stop! I'm dying here.

I am one of Madonna's biggest fans, I'm quite sure of it, but holy hell Tootsie you have made a very good point! I hadn't realized she was looking so gross. And it certainly isn't the age factor.

And Lou Ferigno? Oh, you roll me.

dorothy said...

Ew! What she needs is a long-sleeve shirt!

Lo said...

dude. i was about 6yrs old when i decided i was going to BE madonna. short blonde hair, a gap in my two front teeth, i rocked black cowboy boots w/chains on them and a black denim skirt and as much jewelry as i could pile on. needless to say my mother was NOT amused. heh.

but seriously? she looks like she's going to eat me now. scary!

ms-teacher said...

I think celebs like Madonna are so isolated and no one in their inner circle is willing to really tell them the truth.

On Friday, I was watching a documentary on Mae West. In the 70's she appeared in a movie with Raquel Welch. In this movie, there was also a lot of muscle men and Mae West was convinced that these men still lusted after her. It was really sad.

SCREAMING FOR CHOCOLATE said...

The rumor mill says that soon to be ex hubby of Madona said it was like sleeping with grissle. Another photo of her looks like she had cheek implants and stuff shot into her lips. She looks freakish.

g said...

Ugh. No Madonna fan here, although I have to say that I really enjoyed her in "Desperately Seeking Susan". I lived in a duplex once where the other tenant listened to her first album all the time and the heating ducts funneled the sound right into my bedroom! Argh! I can't hear "Lucky Star" without screaming.

Also, I had a friend who toured with her on the Like A Virgin tour - he was her show carpenter. Said she was a total bitch.

Swirl Girl said...

I loved her 'vogue' era look.
Then she went all 'cowboy searchin' for my shakra' on us and it was totally lost on me..

Redneck Mommy said...

I just love you more and more every time I read you.

And now I'm going to try and erase that mental image of Madonna before I have nightmares.

Ew.

Martha said...

You funny! I sure do miss my rubber bracelets.

Mrs. G. said...

I am so over my beloved Madonna. We get it: you're strong and buff and fifty, now go put on some mother fracking pants.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You are good--she should listen to your advice.

Manic Mommy said...

Loved Guy Richie's comment that it was "like making love to a piece of gristle".

I do yoga; I don't look like that and I certainly can't do the on the table thing.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

She is totally out of control. I'm pretty sure the discipline required to maintain that (skeletal) physique also ensures that she's in a bad mood most of the time.

Saucy said...

I miss the soft-middled slightly rotund Madonna of the early eighties when my not-yet-out-of-the-closet BFF stylist gave me her *ahem* first vinyl release. He ratted my hair, dressed me in net and we hit the town. The soft-around-the-middle me looked badass.

Now, I just can't keep up. And after looking at those snaps, I don't want to. Pass the french fries. Kosher, of course.

The Glamorous Life said...

I remember thinking that Brit looked WAY too conservativly dressed and Madonna looked inappropriatly trashy. And then I slapped myself for wasting any brain power thinking about these two people at all.

JoeinVegas said...

Well, Cher is still playing Vegas, and she looks pretty good for 62 (well, not the face, just too much plastic there, but the body!!)

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