Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.
Today's question is brought to you by Jessie from Jason Loves Jessie and it's GULP relationship advice
Tootsie runs screaming from her computer screen.
Your blog has become my daily dose of humor as well as smart advice. Really, I think you are fantastic. Mostly I admire the great relationship you seem to have with your husband, which leads me to my question. How do I get my husband to pay attention to me and stop neglecting me for video games? Also, how do I get him to value my opinion and feel like my needs matter?
Thank you kindly,
First of all, thank you for the wonderful compliments! I'm not even kidding when I say that you have no idea how an email like this absolutely makes my day! Now, on to the advice:
I generally avoid giving relationship advice, even to my closest friends, because no one is in a position to judge save for the two people in said relationship. Instead I will offer some general points of interest that I have learned along the way, navigating my way through the minefield we call marriage (12 years next month!):
- Communicate!!! But do it when you're both engaged in the conversation (i.e. not while video games are being played) otherwise one or both of you will end up unnecessarily frustrated. (For instance, I don't talk to Mr. Farklepants during "How It's Made").
- People don't change unless they want to. In other words: "Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It just frustrates you and annoys the pig"
- Make sure you each know what the other's needs are. (Falls under the "Communicate" category. I'm often amazed at how people just assume their mate can read their minds I'm looking at you women of the world)
- Have sex often.
- It's not you it's me. Seriously? Sometimes
wethey just need some "me" time and it has nothing to do whatsoever with the relationship. (File under the "Needs" category)
- Find a common interest/hobby that you can enjoy together. It will allow you to spend time together having fun -which is way better than fighting about not having fun- and will also give you something to talk about (i.e. there's that communication thing again) (another i.e.? Learn to play video games. Just don't kick his ass at it all the time they like to win)
- If you fart in the car roll the window down. That's just good sense.
- Don't sweat the small stuff (seriously, whomever coined that is a genius)
- Randomly blow him when he's not expecting it. And do it well.
- Let them handle the problems with YOUR inlaws.
- Just because the honeymoon phase ends doesn't mean the marriage is over. It's just evolved. And if you end it too soon you miss the part where the honeymoon phase reemerges and oh lawdy-hallelujah! (i.e. appreciate and patience)
- Have more sex.
- A hand job every now and then doesn't hurt either.
- Sometimes he's just in a bad mood and kind of an ass. Sometimes I am too. Don't take it personally.
- Every once in a while pull the car over on the side of the road and inappropriately grope one another.
- Learn to recognize their behavior. (If he comes home quiet and sullen from work now is not a good time to discuss those things that need to be repaired around the house not that I learned this the hard way or anything).
- Be friends. Enjoy each other's company. This comes in handy when you're doing stuff like spending the rest of your lives together.
- Opposites can attract but make sure you have the same goals. It makes for disappointment otherwise.