Saturday, June 14, 2008

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen Saturday Edition

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Today's question is brought to you by Jessie from Jason Loves Jessie and it's GULP relationship advice Tootsie runs screaming from her computer screen.

Tootsie,

Your blog has become my daily dose of humor as well as smart advice. Really, I think you are fantastic. Mostly I admire the great relationship you seem to have with your husband, which leads me to my question. How do I get my husband to pay attention to me and stop neglecting me for video games? Also, how do I get him to value my opinion and feel like my needs matter?

Thank you kindly,

Jessie


First of all, thank you for the wonderful compliments! I'm not even kidding when I say that you have no idea how an email like this absolutely makes my day! Now, on to the advice:

I generally avoid giving relationship advice, even to my closest friends, because no one is in a position to judge save for the two people in said relationship. Instead I will offer some general points of interest that I have learned along the way, navigating my way through the minefield we call marriage (12 years next month!):

  • Communicate!!! But do it when you're both engaged in the conversation (i.e. not while video games are being played) otherwise one or both of you will end up unnecessarily frustrated. (For instance, I don't talk to Mr. Farklepants during "How It's Made").
  • People don't change unless they want to. In other words: "Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It just frustrates you and annoys the pig"
  • Make sure you each know what the other's needs are. (Falls under the "Communicate" category. I'm often amazed at how people just assume their mate can read their minds I'm looking at you women of the world)
  • Have sex often.
  • It's not you it's me. Seriously? Sometimes we they just need some "me" time and it has nothing to do whatsoever with the relationship. (File under the "Needs" category)
  • Find a common interest/hobby that you can enjoy together. It will allow you to spend time together having fun -which is way better than fighting about not having fun- and will also give you something to talk about (i.e. there's that communication thing again) (another i.e.? Learn to play video games. Just don't kick his ass at it all the time they like to win)
  • If you fart in the car roll the window down. That's just good sense.
  • Don't sweat the small stuff (seriously, whomever coined that is a genius)
  • Randomly blow him when he's not expecting it. And do it well.
  • Let them handle the problems with YOUR inlaws.
  • Just because the honeymoon phase ends doesn't mean the marriage is over. It's just evolved. And if you end it too soon you miss the part where the honeymoon phase reemerges and oh lawdy-hallelujah! (i.e. appreciate and patience)
  • Have more sex.
  • A hand job every now and then doesn't hurt either.
  • Sometimes he's just in a bad mood and kind of an ass. Sometimes I am too. Don't take it personally.
  • Every once in a while pull the car over on the side of the road and inappropriately grope one another.
  • Learn to recognize their behavior. (If he comes home quiet and sullen from work now is not a good time to discuss those things that need to be repaired around the house not that I learned this the hard way or anything).
  • Be friends. Enjoy each other's company. This comes in handy when you're doing stuff like spending the rest of your lives together.
  • Opposites can attract but make sure you have the same goals. It makes for disappointment otherwise.
I hope this helps you! Now that I've crossed "saving marriages" off my list of things to do, next up? World peace.

34 comments:

katydidnot said...

with the random hand jobs and blowing, i can see why mr. farklepants loves you so.

Cheri said...

Well, Mrs. Farklepants, I'll start checking off this to-do list today. I wonder which item Mr. Blog This Mom! would like me to tackle first? Any thoughts? *wink wink*

Laurie Anne said...

You are too funny!! My standard new bride advice is always "never underestimate the power of a good BJ". I see I'm not alone in understanding its power :0)

Eve Grey said...

hmmm. I have the distincy feeling that if I showed this to my husband, he'd have #4 and #9 laminated & prominently displayed.

Drake said...

You REALLY must start some kind of community class and get my wife to attend. Maybe at the local College. You know, those 3-4 week classes during summer. I'd pay lots for her spot.

Mr. Farklepants said...

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect.

That's my advice....

And..

LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP!

Oh and...

If you don't EXPECT something, you can't be disappointed when you don't receive it, as a matter of fact you will only be pleasantly surprised if you do.

HRH said...

I see a how-to marriage book and movie deal in your future. You (and the Mr.) are brilliant.

Good & Crazy said...

Wanna know the funny part? Last year without telling him, for Valentine's day I upped the amount of S-E-X per week. (for a couple months) And I thought he would be all, oh my gosh, how nice, big change, amazing, ANYTHING...but he didn't. He didn't notice? They really just need it, and can't do much with out it. And I'm all, it's such extra work...

I hope he's worth all this 'extra' work?

Lisa Milton said...

Mr. and Mrs. Farklepants are geniuses. And sexy.

Great post.

Manager Mom said...

I might also suggest standing naked next to the game console, with a can of whipped cream and a jar of hot sauce... might work for at least an initial attention-getter to get him to frag you rather than the bad guys...

laughingatchaos said...

The pig quote has kept me sane these last seven years.
And with the sex and blowing and handjobs...how do you get anything else accomplished? LOL! At least you're both smiling. ;)

Jennifer H said...

You give great advice. And, clearly, other stuff. ;-)

No wonder California is hot.

standing still said...

You said a mouthful, Mrs. F.

Rebecca said...

This is really sound advice! I've found it all to be true in my (also almost 12 year) marriage! Well said!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Make sure and save this for your future daughter-in-laws!

JCK said...

You're never one to give marriage advice?! I think you missed your calling. Congrats on your almost 12 years!

Melissa said...

You are so right about the second honeymoon! I wish I would have known to look for it sooner! Thankfully it got here right in time!!

Good advice!

Backpacking Dad said...

Sometimes guys don't play video games because they are more fun or interesting than the rest of their lives: they play them because they are discrete little controllable universes that contain goals that can be accomplished and are accompanied by quick, simple recognition and reward.

But sometimes they do play them because they are more interesting or fun, in the way a book might be. And one sure fire way to be more interesting than a book or video game is the sneak-attack blowjob.

Yes indeed.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I think it's also worth mentioning that with the "Bad mood" comes a need to be alone--and that's OKAY!

Susie said...

Would like to add the corny but true "Never go to bed angry." Seriously, you will wake up and still be mad. This is where the sex comes in handy. Thanks for this - it's all so true!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

It doesn't sound like you're having enough sex. More hand jobs! More blow jobs! Sex in the car while he's driving! Sex in the theatre!! Sex at the beach! (that's also the name of a drink!)

Andrea at Sweet Life said...

I had my husband read this post, and he says you hit the nail on the head. We liked Mr. Farklepants' response, too!

Colleen said...

I use #9 in emergencies...like when he's so friggin' grouchy from work all effing day long for days and days and I'm not sure that I can take it another instant without beating him over the head. Otherwise when he requests, he usually gets the old "you're so big you make my mouth hurt; let's do it instead" line. win-win. He gets a small ego-stroke (even if it's not quite the stroke he wanted) and I'm not put on the spot to perform when I'm not feelin' up to it. The surprise ones always seem better...

Karen said...

This being Father's Day weekend let the man live a little.

And congrats to Little Mr. Farklepants on the graduation.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

I cannot believe my husband has not yet commented on this post. Perhaps he is still out cold with all of your sex advice.

He's not allowed to meet you, you know that right?

g said...

Hmmmm... this list is kinda like mine except for the blowjobs and handjobs. is there something I should be reconsidering?

Sue said...

Obviously I haven't been giving enough blow jobs. Crap, no wonder we haven't been communicating lately!

Cheaper in Baht said...

God, I wish I were born male! Spontaneous oral sex, hand jobs, no expectations. Well, I guess it is Father's Day.

Jessie Evans said...

Tootsie!

Thanks for the great advice. Being newlyweds (OK, so it's been a whole year but that's still pretty new) we're still having lots of sex, and there is no shortage of 9 and 13 either. And as someone has mentioned, I've tried prancing around naked to get his attention ... but unfortunately his game of choice is an online team game and he can't quit and "let the team down." What about his wife?! Anyway, again I appreciate all the fantastic advice. You're a marriage saving saint!

Although I have to admit, things are much much better than when I e-mailed you. He even made me breakfast in bed this morning!

Nap Warden said...

My husband would like this list!

Mr. Farklepants said...

I can see myself using the following line quite a bit in the near future...

"Honey, you don't want to let your readers down now do you?"

Minnesota Matron said...

The Matron will be erring on the side of sex, it seems. Touch trumps. Wise, wise, Tootsie.

smalltownmom said...

Dr. Tootsie Westheimer, or is it Dr. Ruth Farklepants?

scargosun said...

I am going to print this out and keep it with me. I might do a couple of them if he is lucky. ;)