Friday, April 25, 2008

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Sometimes I need to listen to my inner voice. I'm told it's wisdom. It could also be common sense. In this case, however, it's vanity and advice to myself. And vanity is cranky.

Dear Tootsie,

So, it's like this: It was foolish of you to make promises that you shouldn't be required to keep. Your hairdresser? The one on maternity leave? The one you vowed you'd wait for? Yes, her. Did she give you any indication as to when she may return? You know, a solid, in stone, written in blood pinkie swear FIRM date? You do realize that she's got that sweet angelic infant nestled at her bosom as I write this and there is a very good chance she may NEVER come back. For what? YOUR hair? Who the hell do you think YOU are, anyway? It's been six weeks since her daughter's birth. It's been since mid-February that your hair received any professional attention, and it totally shows, I might add. It's been four weeks since the incident involving a box containing some hair color. We won't speak of it. Except to say that the hue has evolved into a ghastly shade of BRASSY. With roots. And highlight bleed through. It's not good. So stop wallowing in your guilt about contacting your girlfriend for the phone number to her hairdresser. What else were you to do? Wait infinity? Because I don't think you realize just how long that is. Think immeasurability times pi, squared. Not even close. It's okay that you made an appointment with someone else. You're allowed to do that. Your friend even told you to tell New Hairdresser that you are a friend of hers and New Hairdresser will hook you up. And I think it was outstanding that you figured you'd be more well received if you told her you were Friend's lovahhhh. It shows you have a sense of humor and she might like that in a client. Don't take it personally that they couldn't fit you in until Friday, May 2nd. Friend may not be as well connected as she seems to believe. And New Hairdresser is unaware of the dire situation that has become your hair. I'm sorry I just laughed, I didn't mean too but it's so funny. Have you seen it? She doesn't know that it is a color that cannot be found in nature. She's completely ignorant of the fact that if you inhale deeply enough, your bangs will go right up your nose. She may even shriek when she witnesses the grays sprouting around your hairline like, well, like an old lady there I said it. And I'm not even sorry.

You've got important things coming up in the next few weeks. Family coming into town, meetings about the upcoming 6th grade graduation, and have you forgotten high tea at the Bel Air Hotel for so-n-so's birthday? My GAWD woman you will not be allowed in looking like THAT! They have very fancy standards, you know. Are you kidding me? Did you really think you could pull that off? You need to quit fearing change, Tootsie. Change can be good. Embrace it, and it's... and GODDAMMIT STOP CRYING you big baby! Aherm...

Yours Very Truly,
Tootsie's Inner Voice That Belongs to Vanity and is Fed Up
xoxo

20 comments:

1blueshi1 said...

My Hair Confides to Tootsie's Hair: "HAHA!!! We have got them ON THE RUN NOW! We will show them with their fancy flatirons and twenty dollar bottles of shampoo and pink masses of leave in conditioner and numerous shine treatments that do NOT work WHO IS BOSS. That would be...US. YOUR HAIR. HAIR IS DOING IT FOR ITSELF." And by "IT" I mean, whatevah the h e double hockey sticks it wants.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Um, yeah, good luck with that. I just stop at the place in the mall when I get desperate. Are you shuddering right now? I picture you shuddering. Heh.

standing still said...

I'm a slave to my hairdresser and colorist, however, if my colorist disappeared for 6 weeks (baby? who said she could have a baby?) I would be so on the phone calling someone else. And, hats, have you heard of them? I think 7 days of "Tootsie wearing hats" would be a fine photographic essay.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

My vanity totally gets what your vanity is going through.

MommyTime said...

I think your hair and my hair have been sneaking out at night and partying too hard, and THAT's why they look all tired and worn out. Because my hair looks just like your right now. I'm betting total BFFs with the Bartles and James Strawberry Wine Coolers...

Lisa Milton said...

Hair drama; oh how I hate it.

Karen said...

Oh hell, you are scaring me! I finally made the move to a friend's hair girl and damned if I didn't luvre her and she's pregnant! Hopefully being her 3rd child she will just pop it out and put it in a papoose on her back and be back to work in 48hours.
What's that you are saying? I can't hear you *fingers in ears* La, La, La, can't hear you!

Vicky said...

There is this wonderful shampoo that is a really cool metallic purple color, if you use that on your hair it will take out some of the brassy-ness. You can find it any beauty supply shop, just ask for the purple shampoo, and don't freak out if they hand you a bottle that says for gray hair. It's like a toner, so it's takes out the brassiness of all colors! I swear it works miracles, and don't worry, May 2 will come super fast. Maybe you could put yourself on a cancellations list?
One question, what the heck are Jon Jons?

scargosun said...

GOM. Laughing too hard must stop before coffee sprays monitor.

Go git your hair done girl! ;)

The Introvert said...

And THAT is why I went back to my natural color. I mean, until there are grays sprouting, why mess with perfection?

Melissa said...

Oh yes, even to the least of us, hair is everything. I don't do my nails, I don't wear high heels, I don't even wear jewelry most of the time, but when it's time for a cut, IT'S TIME FOR A CUT!!!

stu said...

Talking to yourself... When did that start? ;)

-Stu

JCK said...

Oh, lunch at the Bel Air sounds divine. You must listen to your inner voice.

From,

The OLD lady that doesn't care about color on herself per se, but encourages it in others.

EatPlayLove said...

I have a feeling you'll forget all about the dedication you had to your former hairdresser! Embrace the change, maybe it will just be fabulous!

-much love, Ms. Gone To The Same Hairdresser For 15 Years.

Don Mills Diva said...

Oh God - you inner voice has been taking lessons from mine!

Oh and I have a ? for next week:

I was wondering if you thought that crazy commenter who thought we were all meth moms was just jealous because you're pretty?

That is all.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

I'm still LOLing about the lady who asked about the jon jons...what? Six weeks later? HAHAH Burgh totally doesn't get what she started.

You can wait one more week. I promise. It's going to be okay.

Suburbia said...

Ahugh, just have it all shaved off! By the time it grows back to a good length she'll have had enough of the baby thing and be begging to style you lovely!

Jozet at Halushki said...

Whoa.

Your inner voice doesn't pull any punches.

I need your inner voice to come over to my inner voice and kick its butt a few times.

ALF said...

HI Tootsie. I haven't had a trim since October. I haven't had highlights since last May (when my mother paid for them). In no point in the near future do I see the funds available for me to get my hair done AT ALL.

So, be thankful that all you have to do if find someone else to do your hair!

g said...

Too too true! I'm in search of the perfect hairstylist like I used to be in search of the perfect man!