Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I Seem to be Pimping A Lot of L'Oreal


liss extreme cera liss system. What is that? It is: masque lissant cheveux indisciplines. What? Vous ne parlez pas français? Me either. Translation: It is a smoothing masque for unmanageable hair. And it is from the L'Oreal Professionnel line. And it's not just the quality that separates it from the bargain line. So does the price and the language barrier. But trust me when I say that you want this stuff. See that little purple square on the right bottom side of the jar? That is supposedly all that you need per application. That's a fat lie. Or in French: c'est un gros mensonge. You need about 2 heaping fingertips worth, but still. The directions also say to apply to shampooed and towel dried hair but I don't have that kind of time. I mean, who washes their hair, gets out, towel dries their hair, applies a conditioning hair mask, waits 3 minutes then gets back in the shower? Not anyone with a job or kids or a blog or a life, obviously. So I wash my hair, wring it out IN THE SHOWER, and then apply and let it set while I do other things that involve liquid soap, a scrunchy, shaving cream, and a razor. Sorry, those are the only details I'll reveal. Then I rinse. When it's finally blown dry it's...it's... well, remember when you were a teenager and your hair was soft and bouncy? Yeah, me either. The 1980's were replete with home perms, crimping irons, too infrequent hair cuts, teasing, and excessive Aqua Net and Depp gel use. But I hear the youth have cornered the market on the touchability factor when it comes to hair. So use this and people will approach you and exclaim: vos cheveux sont impressionnants! That's right. It will inspire people to speak French. And you'll be all, "I'm sorry, I don't know what you just said" and they'll be all, "I apologize. I don't know where that came from. I don't even know how to speak French, how'd that happen? I mean, Your hair is awesome".


What is wrong with this picture? Aside from the fact that the mirror reveals that I have those God awful vanity lights in my bathroom? This is my blusher. No I did not drop it. I have used it down to the last right hand corner. This is Clinique Nude Nude Blush. And it is discontinued. Why? Who the hell knows. I mean, it's only the most perfect color for my skin tone. Ever! It's not too peachy, not too pink, not too brown, and not too bronze. So of course it makes perfect sense to just stop making it. And what's worse is that I've yet to find a replacement shade. I bought one that was too orangey and powdery when applied. Then another one was too pink and had some kind of sparkly crack in it that made me look like a hooker stripper $1000 a night call girl. And one was just too "mauvey" which translates into too 1985. Clinique, you've been put on notice. You would be dead to me except that I still rely on you for my City Base Foundation in Ivory Bisque. Do not fuck that up. I'm not opposed to slapping your staff.

30 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I hate it when the do that!

There will be serious trouble if MAC d/c's my lip color.

Angie said...

Yup, never fails. It is a conspiracy to discontinue good selling perfect products so we have to try 5 more until we find the perfect one again in a month only to have that one discontinued within the year.

KEEP BELIEVING

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I thought it was only the bra manufacturers that do that.

Greta said...

That and Lean Cuisine meals. They discontinued my favorite stuffed shells w/ breadsticks. Bastards.

Jennifer H said...

That L'Oreal stuff looks magnifique, but I think we need a slow-mo bouncy-hair commercial starring Tootsie. Who's with me on this?

You should call Clinique and see if they've replaced the color with another. Or maybe you've done that. I would call back and speak French. Maybe that's the key.

Oh, and I'll keep bail money on hand, in case you're arrested for the slapping.

The Introvert said...

I thought Revlon had discontinued my favorite nail polish (Vixen). It's the perfect dark polish. I wore it to my high school prom, and it's still en vogue.

Turns out that it's not discontinued; the college girls just discovered it, so that's why it's suddenly impossible to find in this town. Good thing I'm moving.

MadWomanMeg said...

I think this might be why I don't bother with make up on a daily basis. I just cannot bear the idea of going through the store and actually putting effort into figuring out what makes me look less like I've been dragged backwards through a hedge and more like I belong on the arm of Brad Pitt.

I might have to check out the L'Oreal stuff though. I could do with the challenge of trying to figure out what people are saying to me.

stu said...

I just picture you walking through the R&D department of Clinique:

"Miss, can I help you?

SLAP!

"Hey lady, you can't do that"

SLAP!

"bitch"

SLAP!

-Stu

Madame Queen said...

If you're like me, it takes me forever to use a shade that I really like and then by the time I use it all up, they don't make it anymore!

barbra said...

That's a cute shoeless photo over there.

Says the woman who has no idea how to tell if blush is the right shade.

Melissa said...

And jeans. When they restyle the jeans and discontinue the fit I love. Gah! Makes a burqua look a little appealing...

Anonymous said...

Another option for amazing hair product - Moroccon Oil for hair. What, you say? Oil on your hair? Doesn't that defeat the point of the washing? NO. this stuff is wonderful for smoothing your hair and the smell is exotic and dreamy. Only drawback - you have to blow dry your hair

Minnesota Matron said...

Perscriptive stopped making a concealer I used and my world collapsed. Here's to Clinique staying steady on the City Base!

Karen said...

So when you slap those people around, will you be wearing the competition's makeup just to make it sting a little bit more?

hippo brigade said...

okay, so you made me feel a little less alone in the world with your post about conditioner. Because yesterday I blogged about shampoo, and I thought to myself, WHO DOES THIS? But after reading your post, I was all, yeahh, she does it too! So either this makes us both totally dorky, or we should have a glass of wine together and compare hair products.

billandjill.com said...

In the 80's my mom convinced me that getting a perm was "the style", and the way to go for me. So I did it.

I should mention that I'm NOT FEMALE.

So I got this wavy, full-bodied perm, and I was riding my Huffy all over town, and I was ROCKING that perm.

I should mention that I'm NOT GAY.

Anyway, there was a girl, about my age, sitting on her bike at a stoplight, and I coasted up and put a foot down.

I looked over at her, in all my rocking permed confidence, smiled like the Geek on 16 Candles, and said, "Hi".

She said nothing. We stared at each other for a second, and her eyes clearly went to my glorious coifs, piled springily atop my gangly ome, and she regarded them for a long moment.

She dropped her eyes back down, and CHUCKLED. Yes, she did.

The light turned green, and she pedaled straight out of my life... straighter than all the hair that *should* have been adorning my scalp.

It took it a while to grow out, and unfortunately, the tail-end of it was still visible in my first driver's license picture, so I carried the shame in my wallet for several more years.

I'm not even going to go into the time she convinced me that the inclusion of "Came in 3rd in 4th-grade spelling Bee" was something that belonged on my first resume. When I was 16.

Springily,
~Bill, not Jill

dso8901 said...

Clinique has Blushing Blush Powder Blush Limited Edition in Bare Nude (meaning they can charge another 2 bucks for their (un)clever alliterative limited edition, but just not enough to get their 'bonus'). Doesn't look sparkly. Myself - I'm a bare escentuals kind of girl.

Jamie said...

De-lurking to say, I'm feeling your pain on the discontinued makeup debacle. For me...it's always lip-gloss.

Great blog! I'm loving reading.

katydidnot said...

i've been out of lipstick since 1999 because stupid almay discontinued mine. stupid almay.

Cheri said...

Dear Tootsie~

I will rush out to be the L'Oreal stuff today. Meanwhile, take your fingernail and scrape out the corners of that blush. You've got at least a one-month supply still there. Take it from me.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Oh, please Ms Farklepants, Ma'am, will you give us a grand finale post with all the pimped out products you've told us we need? Like for Friday even? I can't keep going back in time to see what I have been missing out on.

Oh, but my big time recommendation? DHC's Eye Off Shade. It REALLY does make black puffy eyes look stellar.

Colleen said...

when you go to slap some cheeky clinique chics, bring me along...they discontinued my eye shadow duo and lipgloss and didn't come up with reasonable replacements.

Nicole said...

Thanks for recommending that hair cream. My hair is terribly unmanageable (especially now that it is growing out) and I am willing to try anything that will work!

Sue said...

Vos cheveaux est tres jolis!

I hope I didn't call your horse pretty. I always mixed up hair and horse.

Anywho, lets have national slap Clinique technicians day. Damn them for discontinuing colors!

LaskiGal said...

After years and years of finally finding the perfect shade of lipstick, a berry/plum/nude mix of perfection--not shimmery, not too matte, just perfectly creamy--Estee discontinued it. WHAT???

Why do they do this to me??? I bought the last 2 tubes they had and treated them like gold until their very last days. *sniff*

EatPlayLove said...

Ok Tootsie..we need to get you on the Bare Minerals kick. Seriously, the tones are beautiful and radiant. Kicks Clinque discontinued ass.

For the record Clinque discontinued one of my favorite shades of lipstick about 5 years ago, I've given them the cold shoulder ever since.

JCK said...

I concur with everything Jennifer H has said. I'm still imagining Tootsie in those hair swishing commercials -circa 1976.

You know I'm good for bailing you out if your husband's fed up with your highjinx.

Anonymous said...

http://cgi.ebay.com/CLINIQUE-SOFT-PRESSED-POWDER-BLUSH-NUDE-NUDE-19_W0QQitemZ160242815938QQihZ006QQcategoryZ82596QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

You can get some on Ebay.
Go to link above!
It's where I go for my cologne, Nude by Bill Blass, also discontinued!
:)

Tootsie Farklepants said...

GASP!!!!!!!

Mwah! Mwah! Mwwwwwaaaahhhh!! Thank you!

BOSSY said...

Ah, yes.