Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.
Slogan of the day:
Q: Standing Still pretty much answers her own question: "Question. Age 45 and linebacker thighs. Not the thinnest they've been Shorts? I'm thinking, "not." Thanks."
A: I'm not a big shorts lover to begin with. Skirts, yes. Shorts, no. I've worn them, of course, but if you want to beat the heat then a skirt (just above the knee or longer) really is the way to go. Not only is there more air circulation but they're great sin hiders. Shorts make me think of kids and/or tourists. Skirts are classy even when casual and your sweaty legs won't stick to the seat when you try to get up.
Q: JCK of Motherscribe seeks smooth legs: "What is the best razor? And do you use shaving cream? I am known to go a day(s!!) without shaving, but if I try to shave every day I get nicked-up legs. Yet, if I go more than one day the sharpness of the hair is akin to Cactus thorns. The poor Sot husband has to wear armor to combat the razor burn from my legs! Help??"
A: I cannot even fathom shaving without shaving cream! I know I used plain ol' soap in those early years but I've assigned that memory to the dark parts of my brain that I no longer have access too. I use Skintimates shaving cream for dry skin for anything that needs shaving. And I use Venus disposable razors because I use a new one every time for the best results (I just cannot type that word without first typing "resluts"...dyslexia or something else?). The best is if you can manage a day or two in between so that there's a little growth to contend with. So? Can you? Can you manage to keep your legs to yourself for a day or two? Perhaps consult the Kamasutra for some tips on positions that don't involve your legs? I know it's on your bedside table, JCK. Don't lie.
Q: Inzaburbs seeks smoothness a little farther north: "While on the subject of razors - when replying to jck please be sure to include bikini line advice! I am committed to going to the pool every day this summer and do not want to wear one of those little skirty things that have made a resurgence."
A: Ooohhhh...Vag talk! My favorite! For the most attractive bikini line I recommend a wax. That is, if you can tolerate it AND afford it. And aren't shy since depending on what you need removed from where, your esthetician could be your new bestest friend; seeing parts of you that you yourself are physically incapable of witnessing. This was once common practice in my grooming rituals but like I said, it's pricey. Eventually, we sat down and had to have a
Q: OHMommy seeks parenting advice for the stubborn child: "How do you deal with a stubborn middle child that refuses to eat her green veggies?"
A: I'm probably the worst source for this particular advice considering my oldest child lived on Eggo Homestyle waffles for two years of his life and probably just barely dodged a raging case of scurvy. I know that Jessica Sienfeld thinks she's so original with her Deceptively Delicious ways, but mothers have been hiding veggies in their kids meals forEVER. If that doesn't work, consult your local pharmacist about making them into suppositories. Any child faced with that choice will happily take their veggies orally. If not, consult a therapist.
Q: Cheri has today's hair related question: "I'm thinking about the "Heather Armstrong on the Today show haircut." What do you think? It looks FABULOUS and even holds up under the dissin' of a couple of mean girls. It is hawt and could come in handy at PTA meetings . . ."
A: It is hot and you totally should! The "Dooce" would do for hair in the millennium like the "Rachel" did for the '90's. And it would probably draw in a whole new demographic of non-blog reading women who would be all, "who knew what I was missing?". I personally can't pull off a bob. It makes my chin and my neck appear to be one sole functioning organ and it ain't pretty. But if you aren't plagued by that particular kind of nasty, then go for it!
Q: The Mom Bomb is stumped by a critter from Nick Jr.: "Oh: another question for Prof. Farklepants! What the hell is "Uniqua" from Backyardigans? A bug? We could never figure it out."
A: What the hell is Uniqua?! Other than the fact that she's clearly a female judging by her name, why, she can't be filed neatly away in some category just to appease us! Our need for everything being just 'so'! She is intentionally vague. And she's all, "I'm Uniqua and I'm unique! The name says it all, so just deal" and then she gave three snaps up in Z-formation. And, I believe? Rolled her eyes and sucked breath through her teeth at us. She's becoming a bit of a prima donna from all the attention she gets.
Q: Karen at The Rocking Pony sent these questions via email AND I TOTALLY MISSED IT: "Okay, that's it. I've had it. What is there to do about sorting socks when you do laundry? With all the kids wearing similar sizes it's hard to know who's is who's. I HATE SORTING SOCKS. What do I do to avoid this? I've tried having the kids do this for me (because it's mostly their socks) but they don't really pull through like I'd hoped."
And I'm also looking for a lip gloss that works for me. I don't like shiny-glittery and I don't like gooey-sticky. I know you like Carmex (and I do, too) but I like something gives a little more gloss that than. Any suggestions? Thanks for your help. Too bad it's Friday and I have to wait a whole week for answers.
A: First of all I want to apologize that you had to wait, not only until Friday, but until the end of the day because a certain blogger that goes by the name of "Tootsie Farklepants" managed to forget to flag this message in her inbox. We've pulled her aside and had a chat about responsibilities. BUT! Don't feel too bad because Anglophilefootballfatnatic's submitted question has gone completely AWOL. Okay... Honestly? With the socks? Write their name or first initial on the bottom heel. With my daughter being in preschool and socks mandatory, almost every pair she owns has her name written on the bottom. And if your kids don't want to go for that because it's not cool or they think it's lame, or whatever, then they risk wearing mismatched sized socks.
Lipgloss... repeat after me: Cover Girl Wetslicks. I wear it in Iced Berry and Wine Shine. It is not too gooey, sticky, sparkly, or look as if you ate a glitter sandwich for lunch. It's pretty sheer too, which I like. One drawback, and I will be honest, it is not long lasting. You'll have to reapply every couple of hours. But I've been using it for about three years now. Which means it will be discontinued soon.