Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.
Q: Dorothy seeks advice from her older sister, Tootsie, and would like to know: "The answer to this might be obvious and I might be stupid but is it okay to wear skinny jeans with a pair of wedges? Like this kind of wedge".
A: First of all, Stupid, those shoes are HAUTE! Secondly, I submit to you dear readers the person asking such a question:
You are young, hip and with it. I get much of my own style tips from observing you and making some age appropriate adjustments to accommodate a thirtysomething year old's wardrobe. I think it's quite obvious to anyone that A) you should be a contestant on the next installment of America's Next Top Model, and B) you could wear military issued combat boots with a dickie, layered with a poncho and pair it with your gym shorts and a top agent from Elite Modeling Agency would feature you on the cover of French Vogue. In that exact outfit. Inspiring millions of copycats. So, the answer is: yes, you can wear those wedges with skinny jeans and I would pair it with a billowy baby doll top to balance it out. A fitted shirt with that combination would be too, um, much. But maybe that's just the big sister in me. I, however, have to reserve my wedge wearing for skirts and wide leg pants. Because I need some balancing out but for whole other reasons. Now let's discuss chastity belts and the evils of pre-marital sex.
Q: Calicobebop is having difficulties with her face and wants to know: "Here's my question: I'm in my "early" 30's and I don't intend to age gracefully but I'm not ready for surgery. Yet. I've been able to tackle the crow's feet with moisturizers but the laugh lines are resistant. Any advice? Much obliged. Thanks a million!"
A: I'm being completely serious when I advise you to get to the nearest Target or drug store and purchase some L'Oreal Wrinkle De-Crease (night) cream. After countless attempts with a trabillion different lotions, I swear by this stuff. I would swear on my mother's grave except that she is still alive. Although she has a myriad of health issues and is a self-described basket case. So I swear on my mother's basket that this actually produces results (and my first attempt at typing "results" was "resluts" which is something else entirely and you don't even want to know). Use it as the last step in your nightly face cleansing routine. Apply it firmly with the heels of your hands and to tackle those laugh lines; use them as a starting point and rub towards your ears and up. Do this until it is evenly distributed and absorbed. Even use a smidgen before applying your makeup in the morning but not a lot or things can get a little "oil slick" looking. I also use it on my forehead, around my eyes, and my neck. Use a little on your elbows too. You will thank me when you're in your late thirties for that last part. And if you run out replace it as soon as possible. Because if you don't, after a few days you'll exclaim "HOLY CRAP!" when you look in the mirror at the obvious deep creases around your mouth. This was the moment I truly realized that the stuff worked and it wasn't even kidding around.
Q: HRH from June Cleaver Nirvana has heard of my world renowned psychic abilities: "Do you know where I lost my favorite ring?"
A: I want to tell you it is either where you last left it or it is with all of those missing socks. But I'm going to tell you a little story about my friend and her missing ring. Years ago I was at a girlfriends apartment in the vanity area of her bathroom, getting ready for a girls night out; and she was beside herself over her missing ring. I told her the story about my mother's friend who had once lost her favorite ring only to find it weeks later in the grooves of the automatic sliding doors at the mall. My girlfriend then slid open her closet doors to discover her own ring in the grooves of the track of her own closet. I'm pretty sure she was convinced, for quite some time, that I was Samantha Stevens from Bewitched. So, check all known sliding doors and get back to me.
Q: Holly from Anglophile Football Fantatic writes in via email to know: "I am in need of some new jeans. I have a very large butt and a pear shaped body. What kind of jeans work best for my figure."
A: I have seen pictures of you on your blog and I am skeptical about this so-called "very large butt and pear shaped body". I think you're being overly critical but I will indulge you. And I can sum up the answer to your question in two words: Boot Cut (or is it one word? Or a hyphenated word? Ah hell). In all of my years of people watching and fashion magazine reading, this seems to be the one cut that is universally flattering. Anyone who isn't shaped like a twelve year old boy should stay away from skinny or tapered leg jeans. And please don't confuse the boot cut (bootcut? possible. boot-cut? maybe. Google says? All three) for a flared leg jean. Because if you're pear shaped (if you say so) flared will make your bottom half look like a triangle and your top look like an upside down one trying to balance point to tip in the middle. Which makes you look like a walking geometry problem and causing fellow members of society to try to recall the formula for the Pythagorean Theorem. And math makes people cranky. And you might punch someone in the face if they touch your ass with their protractor. Which, you should.