Friday, April 4, 2008

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Today's slogan is: "Gonna Be a While? Grab a Tootsie" preferably by the nipples.

Q: Dorothy seeks advice from her older sister, Tootsie, and would like to know: "The answer to this might be obvious and I might be stupid but is it okay to wear skinny jeans with a pair of wedges? Like this kind of wedge".

A: First of all, Stupid, those shoes are HAUTE! Secondly, I submit to you dear readers the person asking such a question:
(click to enhance and behold gorgeous)



You are young, hip and with it. I get much of my own style tips from observing you and making some age appropriate adjustments to accommodate a thirtysomething year old's wardrobe. I think it's quite obvious to anyone that A) you should be a contestant on the next installment of America's Next Top Model, and B) you could wear military issued combat boots with a dickie, layered with a poncho and pair it with your gym shorts and a top agent from Elite Modeling Agency would feature you on the cover of French Vogue. In that exact outfit. Inspiring millions of copycats. So, the answer is: yes, you can wear those wedges with skinny jeans and I would pair it with a billowy baby doll top to balance it out. A fitted shirt with that combination would be too, um, much. But maybe that's just the big sister in me. I, however, have to reserve my wedge wearing for skirts and wide leg pants. Because I need some balancing out but for whole other reasons. Now let's discuss chastity belts and the evils of pre-marital sex.

Q: Calicobebop is having difficulties with her face and wants to know: "Here's my question: I'm in my "early" 30's and I don't intend to age gracefully but I'm not ready for surgery. Yet. I've been able to tackle the crow's feet with moisturizers but the laugh lines are resistant. Any advice? Much obliged. Thanks a million!"

A: I'm being completely serious when I advise you to get to the nearest Target or drug store and purchase some L'Oreal Wrinkle De-Crease (night) cream. After countless attempts with a trabillion different lotions, I swear by this stuff. I would swear on my mother's grave except that she is still alive. Although she has a myriad of health issues and is a self-described basket case. So I swear on my mother's basket that this actually produces results (and my first attempt at typing "results" was "resluts" which is something else entirely and you don't even want to know). Use it as the last step in your nightly face cleansing routine. Apply it firmly with the heels of your hands and to tackle those laugh lines; use them as a starting point and rub towards your ears and up. Do this until it is evenly distributed and absorbed. Even use a smidgen before applying your makeup in the morning but not a lot or things can get a little "oil slick" looking. I also use it on my forehead, around my eyes, and my neck. Use a little on your elbows too. You will thank me when you're in your late thirties for that last part. And if you run out replace it as soon as possible. Because if you don't, after a few days you'll exclaim "HOLY CRAP!" when you look in the mirror at the obvious deep creases around your mouth. This was the moment I truly realized that the stuff worked and it wasn't even kidding around.

Q: HRH from June Cleaver Nirvana has heard of my world renowned psychic abilities: "Do you know where I lost my favorite ring?"

A: I want to tell you it is either where you last left it or it is with all of those missing socks. But I'm going to tell you a little story about my friend and her missing ring. Years ago I was at a girlfriends apartment in the vanity area of her bathroom, getting ready for a girls night out; and she was beside herself over her missing ring. I told her the story about my mother's friend who had once lost her favorite ring only to find it weeks later in the grooves of the automatic sliding doors at the mall. My girlfriend then slid open her closet doors to discover her own ring in the grooves of the track of her own closet. I'm pretty sure she was convinced, for quite some time, that I was Samantha Stevens from Bewitched. So, check all known sliding doors and get back to me.

Q: Holly from Anglophile Football Fantatic writes in via email to know: "I am in need of some new jeans. I have a very large butt and a pear shaped body. What kind of jeans work best for my figure."

A: I have seen pictures of you on your blog and I am skeptical about this so-called "very large butt and pear shaped body". I think you're being overly critical but I will indulge you. And I can sum up the answer to your question in two words: Boot Cut (or is it one word? Or a hyphenated word? Ah hell). In all of my years of people watching and fashion magazine reading, this seems to be the one cut that is universally flattering. Anyone who isn't shaped like a twelve year old boy should stay away from skinny or tapered leg jeans. And please don't confuse the boot cut (bootcut? possible. boot-cut? maybe. Google says? All three) for a flared leg jean. Because if you're pear shaped (if you say so) flared will make your bottom half look like a triangle and your top look like an upside down one trying to balance point to tip in the middle. Which makes you look like a walking geometry problem and causing fellow members of society to try to recall the formula for the Pythagorean Theorem. And math makes people cranky. And you might punch someone in the face if they touch your ass with their protractor. Which, you should.

33 comments:

Cheri said...

Hilarious, once again!

SS, can you wiggle your nose?

Groovy Mom said...

LOL! I said the exact same thing in my head before I read your words. I said, "Shit! She could wear combat boots and still be sexy ::burp:: dammit! I hate her."

Just kidding about the hate part. Hatin' will eat ya alive. ;-)

Madame Queen said...

Hahahhahaha! A much needed laugh this Friday morning.

I, for one, definitely want to know more about resluts. Sounds fascinating.

Joeprah said...

Somehow I found this post entertaining even though I am just a guy. ;) Any advice for the men out there struggling with fashion?

calicobebop said...

Thanks!! I will run (not walk) to the nearest Target and pick some up. I can't wait to see the results!

tammy said...

People around me are wondering why I keep snorting at my monitor--they think it is some sort of Friday pattern. Do I let them in on the Secret Of The Traveling Farklepants or keep it to myself?

Don Mills Diva said...

I am running - running! - out to get some of that wrinkle cream!

Madge said...

ooohh!! i knew there was a reason i woke up happy it was friday! it's tootsie advice day. someday i will be brave enough to send in my questions

THE MOM BOMB said...

The answer to laugh lines AND the correct jeans for a pear-shaped figure in ONE post? Genius, woman. Sheer genius.

Anonymous said...

I too am runnin' out for some cream!

In addition to boot cut jeans, I SWEAR by the "curvy" cut of jeans (it comes in boot cut, the curvy refers to the hip/butt area), at Ann Taylor Loft. I used to get that huge gap because my jeans fit my hips but not my waist... you know at the small of your back, where everyone could look down in and see your thong (and it wasn't cute like the girls who show off their thongs these days). But thanks to the curvy jeans, that is no longer true! I now have about 25 pairs of Loft pants in my closet, and nothing else!

Thanks for all of your advise, TF.

dorothy said...

Thank you, big sister! :D I'm totally wearing my wedges with my skinny jeans now. With a babydoll-type shirt because I think you're right! A tight shirt would be too much. I love you!

jennifer h said...

L'Oreal (teamed with Target) should offer you a contract.

I'm going to buy some today.

I hope it gives me the resluts I'm looking for. :-)

Excellent advice, all. Your sister is gorgeousness embodied.

dkuroiwa said...

So...this wonderful cream...just how big of a container does it come in? Have put it on my "list of things to ask my mom to send"!!
and "wedges"...would love to wear them, but...here...I already tower over most people...would like them to feel a bit more "powerful" if I needed to....one more thing for "the list".
Funny though...when I first read the post, I thought you wrote "wedgies"...and was all like WTF?!?! Thanks for the giggle anyway!!

Maremone said...

I can totally second your approval of the Loreal creme. I'm just starting to age and I swear I must have had a stroke since the left side of my face is starting to droop by my eyes...anyways, I bought that stuff and in a week I was geriatric free!

Sue said...

You make me laugh! Thanks!

Lisa Milton said...

Little Sis could pull off any look; she's gorgeous.

Now I'm off for some Fountain o' youth. God knows I need it.

Angie said...

I SOO love Fridays! Can't wait til I get to read Dear Tootsie.

I have a question for the next installment:

I have box-shaped feet. They are a size 5 or 5-1/2 wide with high arches. I hate paying a ton for shoes, but have so few options for cute shoes. I am trying to change from frump-mom-in-sweats look to slightly-stylish-yet-not-overdone-and-comfortable-but-still-drives-a-mini-van look. Besides too many hyphens in my make-over attempt, shoes are a HUGE obstacles. Any suggestions.

KEEP BELIEVING

1blueshi1 said...

Honey, I just love your blog. You make me laugh! Today, I really needed that laugh. A parent teacher conference was scheduled--then canceled due to school closing early because someone whispered the word tornado a couple counties away. Jackholes. They are just doing this so I can completely lose it on two DIFFERENT days instead of confining my nervous breakdown to just today.
On the other hand, it does give me more time to track down some Ativan....silver linings, I guess.

OHmommy said...

Dude... I am out the door and heading to Target to pick out that wrinkle cream. I have tried about 29 creams and I can't see a difference.

If this cream works.

I will forever be grateful.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I get it, these are the meth moms I keep hearing about. No wonder they think you are funny!

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Okay, you're one of those trolls that posts inflammatory comments on blogs that I keep hearing about. No wonder I think you're a douche bag!

And thanks, Anonymous commenter from West Des Moines Iowa (love sitemeter), for taking the time to nominate my blog for Most Obnoxious and Worst Blog of All Time. It must have really pained you to waste so much of your precious time on me.

Groovy Mom said...

Oh my gosh. People are a hoot sometimes, aren't they. Someone in Iowa needs to get laid.

JCK said...

As always...you are DIVINE in your wisdom, Miss Tootsie of all Knowing.

And I'm glad you said you were serious about that L'Oreal wrinkle cream, cause I'm ON it. I promise not to mix it with hemmoroid cream this time...

Sara Maria said...

Oh my gosh! You said "Have you ever seen a baby that looked more like a Cabbage Patch Doll than this?..." Actually, yes. TOTALLY ADORABLE BABY, but I had to delurk to tell you I have a HILARIOUS picture of my niece in a cabbage patch box. I gotta put it on my blog now so you can see it. Come visit! :) IF youd like of course. I found ya on Dad Gone Mad! :)

HRH said...

Meth moms? Wow. They must be from Des Moines. Holy crap have I insulted more people on Tootsie's blog? Don't you love how I am so nice on my blog and come to yours to dump on people. Let me just clarify that I have spent some time in Des Moines and am not speaking without knowledge.

Thank you for the answer to my question. It is quite alarming that I am not the first person to ask you such a question. Unfortunately I have no sliding doors, but I will be searching the sliding doors of friends, family and malls from now on.

I have seen Holly in person and can testify that she is full of crap. I saw no pear. But you handled it well as always.

I just love Fridays.

DadGoneMad said...

Two things:

1) This is my first visit here and within the first five seconds I saw the word "nipple" and a picture of a hot blond. Hellooooooo, blogroll.

2) I'll bet your anonymous Iowan troll has a cucumber up his ass right this second.

Mrs. G. said...

I am going to Target today!!! When Tootsie gives skin advice, I listen.

EatPlayLove said...

I'm right there with the cream advice. Maybe i'll do a before and after. Nah. I hope it doesn't make me break out like a teenager on the night before prom.

Marlee said...

Oh, Tootsie, you will be glad to know that I was thinking of you today as I finally got my straw hair cut...so no more baseball cap for me every.single. day. You have inspired me! :)

LaskiGal said...

Hilarious! (Regardless of what any lame anonymous commenter has to say.)

From advising on everything from lost rings to winkle cream, you certainly have a way with words!

I need to submit a question . . . look for it!

katydidnot said...

that last answer felt a bit like a geometry lesson. pears and triangles and inverted polygons. oy. but i agree, boot cut is good. love the advice column. where do you submit questions?

and also, i have much dreaded apple shape and would give my left thigh for the coveted pear shape.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

katydidnot~ if you have a question you can leave it here in the comments or you can email me through my profile. Either way I'll see it!

laughingatchaos said...

A-HA! So THAT'S why you look so awesome! I'm finding that wrinkle cream...any other skin care recommendations? Please oh please? :)