Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I Must Confess...It's Tuesday #3


~The goggles and the helmet are so fetching, no?

When I was 23, and childless, I went skydiving. Why yes. Once upon a time I was stupid extreme! I was much more willing to engage in risky behavior pre-motherhood. That has since changed. I only went the once and that was quite enough, thanks. I did it just so I could say that I did. Now that I've said it, I guess it's paid off? And no, I did not yell "Geronimo" whilst exiting the plane. Unless "Geronimo" is pronounced: ohshitohshitohshitohshit! Which, I don't think it is. And that is what I said. Anyway, a funny thing happens when you're hurdling towards Earth from 12,500 feet at 100mph (or something. physics doth confuse me): The all encompassing fear that A) you could quite possibly be falling to your death and you're almost sure of it, and B) that the only thing that's going to keep you alive is a piece of nylon [probably made in China] and an instructor [who may or may not have been made in China] strapped to your back and you're still not really convinced that it will; this fear prevents you from realizing one crucial element in your skydiving experience. And that is you have no control over what happens to your flight suit once that ripcord is pulled. When the chute releases, the force nestles your suit firmly against your uterus. And you get this image captured for posterity:
(Yeah right! Like I'm going to put THAT picture on my blog! No. My fear is that it would become one of those Internet phenomena that sweeps through message boards and inboxes with captions like "Worlds Most Invasive Camel Toe" or "Where On Earth Has Her Zipper Gone?" or "Atomic Wedgie Gone Seriously Wrong" or simply, "Ouch", and while I'm all for some notoriety; "The woman whose fully clothed vagina can be accurately described in GREAT DETAIL!" isn't exactly the kind I would actively seek. I mean, I want ya all to know me I just don't want you to KNOW me, if you know what I mean.)

So, friends, if you're contemplating skydiving, remember: This catastrophe could be you. And consider this your only warning. Do not come back to me crying about your injured cervix; and that at a very tender and inopportune moment you discovered that your vagina has malfunctioned. And if you're a man? My condolences. All I can say is...RIP.

20 comments:

Badness Jones said...

Ouch. Thanks for giving me one more reason not to jump out of a perfectly good airplane!

Melanie said...

If there's one thing the Internet has taught me, it's that there is a fetish for absolutely everything under the sun. So, I think you should post the picture just to flush out the "Invasive Camel Toe While Skydiving, Para-sailing, and/or Parachuting Fetish" guys.

Because they're out there, waiting.

dorothy said...

I think that makes me want to go skydiving even more. Hehe.

Don Mills Diva said...

You crack me up - no skydiving for me thanks!

Lulu said...

Frick.

Madame Queen said...

OMG! I'm voting for a category on Mr. Blackwell's worst dressed list called "Most Invasive Cameltoe" Hilarious!

Bunny Bunster said...

You are seriously funny!!

Lauren said...

hahaahahahahahahahaahahhh!!!
Skydiving just got crossed off my to-do list-

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

C'mon, post the photo. Email it to me. Something. Anything. C'mon. You know you want to.

HRH said...

My bet is on posting the photo? Maybe on Tuesday Confessions #213? Wow, I am impressed that you even did it.

Anonymous said...

I am trying to laugh quietly at the computer so my kids don't come running asking me to expain The Toe.

Great stuff.

-Stu

Allie said...

I just got myself caught up on your blog and may I say I thoroughly enjoyed it. You always do a great job of making me smile (and laugh).

Karen said...

Ouch. So I'm curious: with my incredibly weak bladder would the force facilitate instant evacuation from the disfunctional organ or would it hold it's contents intact?

Oh, and I've got some bloggy bling-a-ling for you.

Melissa said...

Bwhaha!! I thought stuff like that only happened to me...who knew, I'm glad you shared! ;)

Mrs. G. said...

You don't have to tell me twice. I will do anything to avoid a vagina malfunction. Anything.

Nora Bee said...

I went skydiving in my 20s, also, and now I have a fear of heights. And I paid extra for the VIDEO of myself (including the vagina moment you describe). It ain't going anywhere near the internet.

JCK said...

I always wanted to do that. And now I don't. Although, you are SMILING in the picture. Perhaps you jest and really found it titillating? Or is that clitillating? Oh..I am very, very bad. You better delete this.

As always I laugh my ass off with your posts!

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Um, yeah...that picture is never coming out, y'all. never.

Nora Bee feels my pain. Literally.

Karen~ I would probably have to advise you against it then.

mrs. g~ is wise.

dorothy~ at your own risk.

stu~ don't scare the children.

jck~ it's like a roller coaster, where you enjoy the fear!

Nap Warden said...

I gotta say, one more reason in a long list of why I will not be skydiving!

Colleen said...

wow! my brother never mentioned that part of his skydiving (ym, well, not that he'd be worried about his non-existant cervix or vagina...but you know...).
But yeah, I see no reason to jump out of a perfectly working plane.