Thursday, February 14, 2008

She Will Self Destruct In 3, 2, 1...

woman screaming
Why is it when your child has a project due in the morning that he put off until the last minute unbeknownst to me that your computer takes this exact moment to...how do I put this delicately...take a giant shit? "Mom? The computer is acting weird" are very bad words to be strung together like that. So you send him downstairs to complete his other homework assignments while you spend the time you were supposed to be using to clean up the dinner dishes, put the laundry away, and give the other children baths fix dinner for the husband who got home late; doing assisting your son with the typing portion of his project? And he's right. The computer is acting weird. It's being suspiciously slow. And the project that was due in the morning? The teacher doesn't collect? GAWD! It's like she knew.

With one weeks notice to obtain a biography about a hero - in this case, Abraham Lincoln- for Boy-Child's 2nd grade class project; why am I at Barnes and Noble at 7pm the night before it's due? I'm clearly not cut out for well planned assignments. Procrastination be thy name.

When a certain sixth grader who shall remain nameless decides at the last minute that "Yeah, I guess I'll pass out valentines in class, whatever", his options are Shrek, Spiderman, and Strawberry Shortcake. All of which are decidedly not cool when you're eleven. And also a boy. He gets sports themed tattoo cards. It's the best I could do. Next year? Nipple piercings.

Why do children get ear infections on the weekend? And why - when you put off the trip to the urgent care because you fear a long wait on said weekend - when you go on the weekday morning...there is a 3 HOUR WAIT? Which prompts you to go to another facility on the opposite side of town that doesn't accept your insurance but you're willing to shell out the cash to save your sanity, but not before you suppress the urge to holler out to the room full of people that "half of you have colds the other half of you have the flu, neither of which a doctor can do anything about so go home and suck it up ya big bunch of babies!". *It helps too if you say that in a John Wayne voice*

Why does my youngest son have a hole or the beginnings of one in each pair of his jeans? All of them purchased in December? And I can own one pair of jeans for 3 years and experience nothing more than slight shrinking fading? I'm only somewhat comforted by the fact that mine cost three times as much as his. Only somewhat.

16 comments:

jennifer h said...

Don'tcha love the last minute homework projects. We almost always manage to do book reports the night before they're due. Yeah, it's my fault.

The holes in jeans thing is a mystery to me, too.

Good luck with it all.

Don Mills Diva said...

"The computer's acting weird" has got to rank with "there's something wrong with the toilet" as most ominous words ever!

Madame Queen said...

Do you know how many pairs of jeans Bubba has without holes in the knees? Do you? ONE! One pair. And I can see the beginnings of one in THAT pair. For some reason this drives me absolutely nuts.

And my kids always, ALWAYS, get sick on the weekend. Without fail.

Karen said...

Ah, projects. Dontcha love 'em? And boys always have holes in their knees, it's a fact of life. I swear if they have a pair that's intact, they're too short and ankles are showing. It's truly a lose-lose.

We were buying Valentine's last night, too. Bratz, Power Rangers and Sponge Bob were the predominant theme. YOI

serial commenter said...

We have put a strick no-pierced-nipples-in-this-house-until-you-are-50 rule into effect. Let your son know he is lucky.

I need to try the John Wayne voice at the doctor's office next time, pilgrim.

-Stu

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I woulda killed for some Shrek Valentines. The Toddler went without because she very vehemently insisted that the cruddy puppy ones weren't staying in the cart.

Melissa said...

Wow, these are questions for a genius!! I wish I had an answer or two for you.

honeywine said...

Here it's mysterious crotch tears. I do NOT ask... lol

Minnesota Matron said...

Ah yes. The brain that remembers (fill in the blank) and needs ( fill in the blank) NOW. We have a few of those living here. Tootsie, I swear there's a weird astrological constellation cursing all my blogging friends. I am sorry! I will do some magical prayer that the stars re-align.

HRH said...

Seriously all good questions. I too have avoided the physician office scene over the weekend only to find the Monday morning scene much worse. And the jeans...oh, I feel your pain on the jeans.

Colleen said...

I still have jeans from over 4 years ago that I wear pretty often, yet my husband tears a hole in jeans he's had for 6 months and Gavin keeps tearing up his jeans, too! Men!

standing still said...

Sanity is highly overrated.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

So I see I'm not alone in this jeans thing. Good. To. Know.

stephanie said...

(LOVE the pic & title!) Our boy tends to have a 2 inch growth spurt precisely one week after I succumb to buying new GAP jeans (always clearance, but still $20 a pop). I might be giddy about a ripped knee before they turn into capris on him...

So sorry about the other misfortunes, but they do make for fun reads :) We're selfish that way, we blog visitors.

1blueshi1 said...

please send us all of those jeans. zac's school doesn't care about holes. nor do we. also, I constantly point out the pic of you son to zac as an inspiration to part his hair on the side inside of combing it straight into his eyes. one of these days, it's gonna catch fire in his brain. I just know it!

Ya... About That said...

Oh it's good to be reading you again. I've been absentee for a week or so. But, you bring it, girl. love it.