Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I Must Confess...It's Tuesday #4

pregnancy

I LOVED giving birth! I loved it so much that "love" is pronounced LUUUURVE. I LURVED giving birth! And that's not the epidural talking because I did the last two without that bastard. Once was enough and never again shall a needle meet between the disks in my spine. Amen. I enjoyed everything about labor and delivery. I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon. I mean, you get a baby at the end! And you get to keep it! When the nurse showed me the pain scale chart that starts with the happy face and ends with a terrible grimace face and asked me where I fell in that range, I was all, "Where are the rainbows and lollipops because that's where I'm at sister!". And she was like, "There is something wrong with you. For serious." I had easy birthing experiences. "Piece of cake" is an accurate description. I'm sorry. You can hate me. My sister in law broke her fucking tail bone during delivery and she still refers to me as "Bitch", so I can take it. What I didn't love, or even like much for that matter, was being pregnant. And it wasn't really because of all the sundry discomforts listed in the picture above [which is admittedly grossly incomplete...can I get a hemorrhoid up in here? Insomnia? Where for art thou crippling sciatic nerve pain?]. I didn't appreciate the changes in my body. I loathed the weight gain. Mostly, I resented the nine month restriction on things I enjoy. It seemed I was pregnant for everything. Bridesmaid in two weddings? Pregnant. Buy bigger dresses. Have them altered. Swollen feet and no drink for you! High school reunion? You look so HUGE! Swollen feet. Tired. No drink. Go home. Vacation with friends? No jacuzzi. Heartburn. Hike to the waterfalls? Go without me. Mai Tai? Screw you. Weekend at the lake jet skiing? I get to watch. Coffee? In moderation. Christmas party. Dance? Are you kidding? Have you seen my girth? I'd wipe out half the floor before passing out from exhaustion. "Tootise, remember when we went to that place and did that stuff with the thing?" "uh-huh" - "Oh that's right. You were pregnant for that weren't you?". "Yes". "It seemed like you were always pregnant!". "Yes, yes it did.". IT JUST SUCKED. And the clothes weren't even cute then. I hate it when my wardrobe selection is curtailed. It makes me cranky.

21 comments:

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Bitch. (Don't take it too hard, I never had a single contraction. However, I was not looking for rainbows either. Actually, I was looking for a bucket to vomit in because some jackass forgot the anti-naseua stuff when he shoved that needle in my back. Jerk.)

A Mom Two Boys said...

Um, you're insane. Totally. Completely.

Karen said...

It's only my great love for you that keeps us on talking terms. After 17.5 hours of back labor with my first (and 2 hours of pushing) it's a wonder I birthed any children after her. By the time the 4th came along I cried nearly every day in dread of impending birth. And it's not that I'm a wuss - I can totally handle pain. I birthed the middle two without meds. The first and last were just that wicked.

I hated pregnancy, too. Truly, it's a wonder we have 4 children.

Madame Queen said...

I loved being pregnant the first time. The second time? Um, not so much. Don't forget to add restless legs to that little drawing. And constipation. And debilitating nausea.

The deliveries were a breeze too b/c I had c-sections with both. The recovery, on the other hand, was not great.

Melanie said...

This was a deeply confusing post. I had to go back and reread the first part a few times.

Because the best part of my labor experience? Besides the projectile vomiting and back labor and level 12 pain? Was the epidural.

The sweet, sweet magic of the epidural administered by an anesthesiologist I almost Frenched...

Angie said...

My boys are both adopted, so I have no comparison, but I am enjoying reading this after AMOMTWOBOYS recent post referring to anyone who refusing epidurals as lacking mental capacity.
KEEP BELIEVING

THE MOM BOMB said...

I'm with you, Melodie. I LUUUURVED my epidural. Pregnancy? Blech. To your list, I'd add: skin tags and skin discoloration.

laughingatchaos said...

Hated pregnancy. Hated.IT. BTW, you forgot the varicose veins in PLACES THERE SHOULD NEVER BE VARICOSE VEINS!
Birth...eh...a means to an end. The first one was miserable, the second one was better, but still not my favorite way to spend a couple of hours.

Mrs. G. said...

All I can say is you are a lucky woman. Those epidurals were the best bastards I ever had the pleasure of meeting.

Hey maternity clothes are cute now. Get busy!

HRH said...

you are one sick puppy. i am with you on the icky pregnancy, but loved the birth...that is on a totally different level of sick.

Melissa said...

18.5 hours of labor...Bitch! I liked being pregnant it was the delivery and the 5 years after I'm not so sure about ;)

Marlee said...

I just realized...my wardrobe when I was pregnant was WAAAY cuter than what I wear right now (!!!)

honeywine said...

Labor seems to be on everyone's mind! It's like kismet. (It's Me Penelope's sis is about to pop any second!) I hope it's an omen!

Minnesota Matron said...

See, birth I view like housecleaning: sorta has to happen and I have no strong feelings about. Like you, I had pretty straightforward labors -- the first was LONGISH but I am way down low on the nightmare scale and pushing? That's like forty seconds. But pregnancy! Ah, sweet nectar. To be feted

Michelle Hix said...

I laughed when you said "I mean, you get a baby at the end!"

ALF said...

Some pregnant people are so cute. And some of the clothes are great - although I bet they're expensive. I have no experience in this area so I should just shut up.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

If I'd listed every pain in the ass side effect of pregnancy we'd be here all day!

melanie~ You crack me up!

mrs. g~ shut yo mouth!

Melissa~ go shopping. That's an order!

a. beaverhausen said...

Weight gain? Check. Wardrobe curtailment? Check. Bigger boobs than I ever wanted? Check. Stretch marks? Check. But...I also loved giving birth. Despite the fact that my tailbone broke all three times. Childbirth was an absolute rush for me.

Lulu said...

Oh, Lordy. I gave birth 18 years ago, and I can barely remember being in the hospital, it was that long ago. But I do remember the sweet, sweet feeling of Dermoral (sp?). Can you buy that on that smack on the streets?

jennifer h said...

Anesthesiologists are my heroes.

You are a freak of nature.

50 hours of labor with the first one. 32 with the 2nd one. There were no goddamn lollipops OR rainbows.

But I still lurve you.

Colleen said...

I'm with ya...I LOVED labor...that was the relatively easy part! I was induced with both of my kids, had the epidural, and had very little problem delivering my children...first one after 9.5 hours after the pitocin started; second one 7 hours after pitocin started. I'm only 5'1" and a small build, but apparently I have a ginormous pelvis and awesome pushing powers...pushed out two 8+ pound babies in less than 30 min and 20 min, respectively. My doc said I was "made to have babies", which caused my husband to faint.