Friday, September 26, 2008

What Color are My Eyes?


Last week when I went in for my physical I took the time to fill out my owner's manual all the paper work detailing my health history, that of my family, and I think maybe my neighbor, and possibly my babysitter from when I was like five; and I'm not sure but I think when all was said and done, after dotting the I's and crossing the T's I might have bought a house. Or a car. Or adopted an infant. Then once inside the exam room I was asked the same exact questions by the doctor who entered the information into the computer as I answered. I was all, I have these papers. And she was like, yeah yeah yeah shut up. If they're not going to bother to look at the paperwork you've filled out why do they insist that it be done at all? I don't know about you but I'd rather skim through an outdated gossip magazine than be given busy work for the waiting room. Whatevs.

Blood was drawn from one arm while the other was accosted by a tetanus shot which immediately rendered my left arm useless with all the hurty. We discussed my concerns about unpredictable menstrual cycles and what the hell is up with my hormones but I don't want to over-share here. At some point there was a breast exam, which is just not my kind of party, and was followed with, "have you ever had a mammogram"? And I was all lalalalalalaIcanthearyoulalalala no. Apparently I've reached that age coupled with family history and Mars being in retrograde - an appointment was scheduled and for the week leading up to it I was in moderate freak-out mode.

I'd heard tales of the discomfort, the support groups who accompany each other to these things, the awfulness of it all, my own mother with her Godspeed my friend, and ohdearlord the squishing. The compressing. The pancaking of the girls. Mah BOOHBS. The literature I was given warned of possible bruising, pain that may or may not be soothed by over the counter pain relievers and please contact your primary physician for the street hardcore shit, and um...ew...potential nipple discharge? And I'm all what fucking Conan the Barbarian designed this instrument of torture?

Then I had it done. Could it have been any less of a big deal? No. No, it really couldn't. If you've never had this done and were worried about what it feels like, grab your wrist with your hand and give it a good squeeze. Eight times. All done.

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. Tell a friend. And tell them the damn truth.

In other news not related to my rack:

I read a book.

38 comments:

Your Pal Pinki said...

Glad your girls came out unscathed.

calicobebop said...

In the office I went to they had a sign that said "We compress because we care."

This must have been put up in reaction to all of the hate mail they received due to horrible mistreatment of boobies.

Oliver Rain said...

Good to know. I imagine I'll be heading in that direction sooner rather than later.

Madame Queen said...

You're right, a mammogram is really not that big of a deal. The worst part is that sometimes the plates are cold, but that's about as bad as it gets. Heck, even my breast MRI wasn't THAT bad. I mean, I wouldn't sign up for one every day, but it wasn't nightmare inducing.

So, everybody, go get checked!!

Denise said...

I just went a few weeks ago for the first time. It wasn't bad at all. Thanks for telling your story so women will not be afraid.

Laura said...

I'd have a mammogram over a pap smear or a dental appointment ANY DAY! The benefits outweigh the marginal uncomfortable feeling. Good for you - now don't forget to go every year! Even more important is the monthly exam you do yourself. My Mom was a two time (25 years apart) breast cancer survivor!

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Had one several years ago for a suspicious lump and I was all, this is it??? Brian works me over harder than this when we are playing rough.

Was that TMI?

I go for my 35 year old baseline one next week, though, so I will get another chance.

KEEP BELIEVING

All Adither said...

My biggest fear is that my clementines will not protrude enough to get an image of.

O'Neal (The woman in charge around here) said...

Yet another benefit for me going through with the boob job! Before the augmentation, I didn't even have enough to put IN the machine! Literally, a triple AAA flat. Kids will suck the life out of you! The plastic surgeon said it will be easier now to scan and detect since I got more to scan... Now if they go popping one of my implants it's gonna be on like Donkey Kong!!!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I'm so with you on the no big deal aspect of the mammogram. Certainly less invasive and painful than a masectomy, chemo and radiation.

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Thanks for being so real about it and GOOD FOR YOU for going and having one done!

MamaHenClucks said...

I hate all things doctor related, so this made me laugh out loud. Nice to know this is one fear I can cross off my list!

MommyTime said...

Ah, Tootsie, I love you. You are the only person I know who can make a mammogram seem both funny and completely innocuous in one fell swoop. Can't wait to click over now and find out about the book you read.

Baby Favorite said...

I totally agree!

I had one done and was like, "That's it? It's OVER? That's what I have been warned about for the last umpteen years?"

Piece of cake. Or boob. Whatever.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

mommytime~ When Mr. Farklepants asked me how it went he asked if I was going to blog about it. I said, what's the point? Nothing happened....there's nothing to tell. And he said, then you should tell them that.

Credit to the Mr. :)

Angie said...

I had to go get one done a year or so ago. Right about when I was 30, because of a suspicious lump. (It turned out to be a sebacious cyst, and it later went away.) It was no big deal at all. I was shocked. My Mom assured me before hand that a lot of offices have moved to digital imaging equipment, so it has made it a lot less painful.

Live.Love.Eat said...

SOOOOO good to know, especially since I'll be having my very 1st mammogram next month, a 37th bday present to myself.

Swirl Girl said...

a few moments of squishing discomfort is a whole lot better than losing the girls (and maybe far worse) for a lifetime.

GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO!

barbra said...

Good for you! My buddy also told me that it wasn't a big deal, and I have an appt. for one next week.

barbra said...

I did NOT just type "my buddy!" I swear, Blogger changed that after I wrote "friend!" When have I ever said "my buddy?"!?!?

Star said...

You obviously don't have fibrocystic breasts....lucky you. I've had two mammograms (age 16 and 27 due to lumps). They were both excruciating.

At my last GYN visit I was advised it was time to get my baseline. The one that all others from here on out will be measured against. I'm searching for digital mammogram...not squishing these things like a pancake again. NO WAY

Bunny Bunster said...

It really is no big deal to get them compressed for a short while. It's worth it in the long run.

Mama Dawg said...

I had my first when I was 29 (long story) and it wasn't that bad. It was uncomfortable, but not PAINFUL.

JoeinVegas said...

You mean hubbie's exams weren't good enough? Have to tell him to be more thorough in the future.

Mrs. G. said...

I had my first last year and you are right, Tootsie, it is no biggie.

LuckyMe said...

Funny, Tootsie!

I would call it "uncomfortable" but still, where are the female medical equipment engineers? That machine has not changed in at least 30 years. If a man had to stick his boys in a vice...just sayin'

Jemez2 said...

I'm with LuckyMe - if men had to put up with HALF what we do, a WHOLE lot of things would be different. I had the girls squeezed recently too - the worst part is the small talk the radiology tech makes. I can deal with this just fine if you'd shutthehellup. No I don't care about the cute little puppy shaped heating pad you use to to warm up the jaws of death, thanks. Yes, it's precious. Can I breath again yet?

Anonymous said...

I just had my first one a couple of months ago too and I was expected this painful, invasive deal but I agree with you- it was nothing! Give me a mammo over a pap anyday! Thanks for posting and dispelling the myth.

Jason said...

Good for you. All three of you.

Zoeyjane said...

O'neal beat me to it, but really, I'm more concerned with having an implant rupture than pain. Pain I can deal with. Rupture, followed by a $5000 surgery to replace and then pain from the surgery? Not so much.

MelADramatic Mommy said...

I had mine recently too and had the same type of letdown (hee hee, get it?).

g said...

It's worth having the girls checked out.

a couple years ago I was told to come back and do it again, and then get an ultrasound.

I had a tiny little cyst - I had to come back again and let them stick a needle in it (eeuuuwww!! your imagination is correct!).

If it had not dissolved upon being stuck by the needle, it would have been scarey, but fortunately it dissolved - just a little bubble of fluid.

But its a good thing to have the girls checked out regularly.

Manager Mom said...

*sigh* with a mother AND an aunt who had breast cancer before menopause, I have been treated to the annual squishes since I was 30.

I schedule them on my birthday, so that I always remember. And then I go drinking, which I think is probably not a good idea.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I don't think it is a big dealio either, maybe a little cold and squishy, but one CAN close one's eyes and fantasize.

Okay, seriously, maybe some women's ta-tas are more sensitive than others, but whatever one's level of discomfort/pain might be, GET your mammograms women!

I think it is great you shared the Tale of Tootsie's Ta-Tas. Because of you, someone may have made an appointment that may save her life. (Like when we watch important stuff on Oprah.)

The Stiletto Mom said...

Crap. I've been looking for a sign it was my time to go again...and here it is. Squishy squishy here I come. And you are right, it's not bad at all. I am just the most horrible procrastinator. My girls and I thank you.

Autumn said...

Good girl! Not so bad, right? Dr. McNotDreamy tells me I need to get one like next year and I was feeling a little skeered. But *sigh* the girls and I will go for it.

Better than the delightful colonoscopy that I'm signed up for because of family history. Nothing says "have a nice day" like a little friend up the pooper.

EmBee said...

You know, I had my first mammo last Nov. and I TOTALLY agree. Everyone and everything had me SO freaked out about the procedure I considered taking a Valium just to get through the damn thing. Instead the whole thing was really, not unpleasant. I had visions of my breast being ripped from my chest cavity, having had a reduction 10 yrs. ago, but I think I've felt more discomfort getting my blood pressure taken. So yes girls, GO, have that mammogram and spread the word that the whole thing is really pretty much a piece o' cake!
:-)

Colleen said...

YAY! I'm so proud of you!

Now...I have heard rumors that those of us who are way-less-endowed have more pain because it's less of a squishing thing and more of a pinching thing due to the considerable less mass to work with? Does anyone know?? Cuz I don't like pinching...especially boobie pinching. That shit hurts. And if there's pinching, I need to know so that I can schedule an epidural beforehand.