Monday, September 8, 2008

Things That Fall Under the Not Bloody Likely Category: Bending it Like Beckham

I've been a mother for coming up on twelve years now. When my marriage was in its infancy and Mr. Farklepants and I awaited our woops! first born; we traded in my sporty little coupe for a mini-van [of which I was simultaneously impressed and repulsed by its practicality and convenience] Repulsion finally prevailed, coincidentally when the three year lease was up, and the mini-van was traded in for a giant SUV [back when it was still an acceptable mode of transportation] which was eventually replaced with a more modest sized SUV. Somehow along the way, two more children appeared. Probably a result of all that sex... I hear that's the usual way.

Anyway...with kids there have been t-ball and softball games, ballet and tap classes and recitals. There are guitar lessons and also the drums. And with the boys having never shown an interest; I'd managed to escape the label: Soccer Mom.

And then Girl-Child happened:

Saturday was the first game of the season! It was kind of a disaster. Not in an act of God fire and brimstone, flooding and locusts kind of way; but in a lacking in any kind of technique or strategy. And possibly the only time disaster can be described as: awww...cute. The players were a roving mass of yellow and green with flailing limbs situated with shin guards and stylish cleats. Kind of like a giant ball of co-ed yarn with appendages. And ponytails and buzz-cuts.

Here is where I pray: Please Jesus God little girl don't kick my daughter in the face. Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease...aaannnd...please dear Lord, no. Wow nice calves dads...wait, what were we doing? Oh right, praying. Amen.

The temperature outside was such that you would swear you were sitting on planet Mercury. If Mercury had suburbs, tract housing, plastic surgery chain restaurants and a Borders. And a community park perched on a parcel of land with panoramic views of sun bursts the valley below. The opposing team clearly has a better education in weather preparedness than our own. [Please note that weather preparedness can be purchased at Costco in the form of a pop-up tent. Make that two pop-up tents.] My inadequate beach umbrella was no match for the morning sun and what little shade it provided was mine all mine, mine, mine, mine and if I sat just so and curled my feet up under my chair I could avoid catching on fire. I don't think they've yet invented sunscreen that can withstand the heat of reentry.


With five minutes left in the game, Girl-Child volunteered herself for a spot under my umbrella on the bench, because she was, and I quote: "getting to sweaty". She is her mother's daughter.

And by 9pm that evening, she was running a fever of 101.5 which could be one of two things: heat stroke or kindergarten. Both valid suspects but I'm leaning heavily towards kindergarten.

**all photos brought to you by Mr. Farklepants' new girlfriend the Canon 40D. She's a total whore but I kind of like her.

46 comments:

Darla said...

I know...I'm waiting for the introduction of the sunscreen that will actually help you avoid getting hot! I actually was on the boat a few weeks ago, wondering WHY, when I had suncsreen that was SPF 30, was I getting SO HOT???

calicobebop said...

She looks adorable in that soccer uniform! Too bad she's feeling under the weather, hope she gets better soon! Stupid kindergarten germs!

Jarrard said...

I just had this conversation with a friend last night.

I loved my son playing soccer at that age.

I liken them to ants to a dropped french fry.

Lisa said...

I remember being dragged to my brothers' soccer games when I was younger and I hated it. I hope my girlies stick with Girl Scouts and dance classes or anything that can be done indoors in the cool of the a/c.

The redness in her face is offset nicely by the bright green unifrom :)

Mrs. Mogul said...

WOw 12 years! I am on the mini van now and want to go to the SUV stage! Oh yes Vasectomy will be in the bag!!

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Because nothing says welcome to September like a little soccer and a fever.

KEEP BELIEVING

hulagirlatheart said...

Impressed and repulsed by the mini van? Oh, yeah I'm with you. It's like giving into comfortable underwear and being afraid to admit that you like not having to pull it out of your crack.

Laura said...

Hope she feels better today! Do they wear mouthguards? I'm just saying you might want to invest in one! She looks adorable in her uniform, and I agree - being "sweaty" is no fun!

Marmarbug said...

She sounds like my kind of girl! And we glow we do not sweat! LOL

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Cute pics! Cute post.

Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat? said...

See in that age group, we call it Herd Ball in my family ;)

MamaHenClucks said...

So far I've managed to skip out on both the mini van and the soccer mom label, although Chickie Boy really wants to play soccer.

What a nice, hot way to spend the morning :)

All Adither said...

She looks so soccerish!

Mrs. G. said...

Kicking ass and taking names. I love it.

MamaMo said...

Ahhhh the joys of soccer season - our first game of the year was "flooded" out due to Hannah. But we're back in the full swing of heat and humidity for practice today. My only soccer woe: with all three girls playing soccer, we'll spend about 4 hours every Sat. on games. Thank goodness it's only for a couple of months!

g said...

So....does she like it? Is she sticking with it? Is there a college scholarship in this?

My son played some baseball until the league got too cut-throat competitive - he didn't like that.

dorothy said...

Those calves ARE rather distracting! Wow.

Nap Warden said...

Soccer, what fun...I can't wait for Miss Peach to play:)

Caution Flag said...

When Mr. F. is done with his whore, she can come and visit my husband. I'm generous like that.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

They are adorable in the herd around in the soccer ball. I was a little shocked at the aggressive play of my son's league this year, 9-10 year olds. Different game now. I prefer the former.

barbra said...

That first photo makes her look like a soccer star!

My girls are not interested in soccer, so I have been able to avoid it. I suspect that my son will be asking for soccer next year, though.

Frankly, I am not at all excited.

Baby Favorite said...

My daughter refuses to play soccer (she tried it for one whole season) because she got "too sweaty." (Sound familiar?) I don't really know how she got too sweaty NEVER MAKING A GOAL and ONLY TALKING TO THE NEARBY COACHES EVERY CHANCE SHE GOT, but whatever. Maybe OTHER peoples' sweat and hard work was bothering her. Hard to say.

Indy said...

I was thinking "I can't believe I am a soccer mom" the other day watching my son play. I am so not into sports and I can't believe I will now have to go and watch these games for years. But, he loves it and I am sure I will too. They do look adorable in their little uniforms, don't they????

Annie said...

Ahhh..we had our first soccer disasters this weekend as well. Kindergartners and soccer-not such good form!

Colleen said...

how cute are those soccer cleats? yet another reason why to have a girl....

Hope Girl-Child is on the mend.

Preston said...

Nice blog. I found you through Nanny Goats, who I absolutely adore.

AGSoccerMom said...

I know we are two different towns in California but my Man Child is also sick, he had low fever then started coughing and now full blown head cold. Yay for school starting right?

Karen said...

I absolutely love kiddie soccer. The chaos on the field is the cutest thing ever, especially since it's usually sporting buzz cuts and ponytails.

Burgh Baby said...

Damn kids are so spoiled these days. I NEVER had purdy butterflies on my soccer shoes.

Heather of the EO said...

Yeah, sweat is dumb.

I love it that you called the camera a whore. You're humor makes me want to hug you.

The Stiletto Mom said...

We did the soccer thing for a year until we found princess one too many times in the middle of the field comparing nail polish. We switched to cheerleading (in Texas...yes, I know this qualifies me as crazy) only to have her have a heat stroke on the track. We now have the extreme honor of paying a ridculous amount of money each month for her to do competitive cheer indoors...which makes me even crazier and apparently somewhat self loathing for putting myself, and my wallet, through all this. Kids are too cute to say no to!
If there had been cute dad calves, perhaps I would have stayed the soccer route. :)

Marcy Writes -The Glamorous Life said...

Those cleets (sp?) are hysterical. Total girl power. Yes, the 'ez-up' tent thingy is a life saver. Of course we bring ours to football- only to have all the other people who don't sit under it too. Guess that is 'teamwork' right?

She looks adorable playing. Watch out world....she is ready to kick you in the shins!

Marcy Writes -The Glamorous Life said...

Those cleets (sp?) are hysterical. Total girl power. Yes, the 'ez-up' tent thingy is a life saver. Of course we bring ours to football- only to have all the other people who don't sit under it too. Guess that is 'teamwork' right?

She looks adorable playing. Watch out world....she is ready to kick you in the shins!

Ann said...

You have too much HOTTAGE and WATTAGE to ever be "just" a soccer Mom - not that there is anything wrong with soccer Moms for gosh sake!

Undomestic Diva said...

As a pro photographer, can I just say that you had better watch out for that Canon 40D. She's going to put out and do it well.

(I'm a Canon gal. Obviously.)

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Little girls playing soccer just kills me. What a hoot! What I couldn't understand were all the parents who had to watch the games so intently (believe me, nothing was happening), to the exclusion of socializing. I finally ended up bringing a book (I didn't knit at the time).

Insane Mama said...

Arg Soccer. It's a love hate thing with me. Arg mini vans. Ditto, love hate. Arg. Sweat Arg. the vallet heat.

I live in Santa Monica, but my daughter played in Lancaster on Sunday and I am sure we ALL have heat stroke... or hangovers

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

How exciting! I love little kids playing sports. She looks like she enjoyed herself despite the heat. How's she feeling now?

Eve Grey said...

She's a fancy dancy show-off who-re ain't she? I like her too.

Eve Grey said...

Lest there be any confasion, that is the camera I am speaking of!

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

She had no interest in ice skating?

And for Tootsie's viewing pleasure: Hockey players have nice calves too. I'm guessing. Only guessing.

mommy2twinkies-Deb said...

Love Love Love your writing and descriptions! More please... I can completely understand the mini-van thing. We traded our sports car for one...ugh.. not sure what I'll trade that for though.

Mel, A Dramatic Mommy said...

My brother played soccer at the club level and I liked meeting up with the team for the tournaments. Of course, my mom paid for the hotel and my food and sometimes my gas.

mysecondjournal said...

My stepkid's 3rd grade KILLED the other kids 13-1 on Saturday..and I almost had a heat stroke.. give it a few weeks though and I'll be on Pluto cause it will be dewy and cold..cuz it's like that in the middle of the country. And FYI: It's HERD soccer at her age.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Been there done that, got many, many t-shirts.

Social Butterfly's first year team in girls soccer was comprised entirely of youngest in the family with 2-3 older brothers (totally coincidental). They wiped the floor with their competition each and every game without anyone even coaching them (we were so embarrassed we were afraid to even cheer).

There's nothing cuter than a little pony-tailed soccer player, I hope she's back in the game soon.

Autumn said...

I totally always feel like the mom that didn't get the memo on stuff to bring to soccer games.

I bring water. The end. Most of the other parents set up like their going to be there for the weekend.

Oh and you're pimpin that girl out right. Er... the Canon, not the kid.