This Place Needed Some Classing Up

The popular "She Who Does Everything In Stilettos" OHmommy over at Classy Chaos awarded my blog as the May recipient in her Classy Awards with this:



Thank you OHmommy!! And in your honor this post will be profanity and snark free. So basically, it will be short and to the point because I don't know how much longer I can restrain myself. Thanks for classing up my joint! **Air kisses**

Then I Heard Her Say: "I Like This Picture of Me. It Hides My Muffin Top"

This picture tells a tale. You're probably thinking that I'm pointing out that she wears a little too much eyeliner for her age, but ya know, she's all "I really like a smokey eye". What she won't admit is how well it compliments the dirt encrusted on her snout from burying her crack toilet paper cardboard centers in various locations around our backyard. And on special occasions (like, because it rained) she will dig them up and present them to you. You just aren't allowed to touch them.

Let's not get started on her pedicure.

We Interrupt Friday's Regularly Scheduled Advice Column to Bring You This Important Bulletin!

It's official. You all are not even kidding about chocolate and/or free stuff. Over one hundred of you submitted your names for the chance to receive a gift certificate for one pound of See's Candy. Before we get started I would like to answer Anglophilefootballfanatic's burning question: "You're that close to Ghirardelli people and you like See's? Hmm." The answer to that is: When Ghirardelli grows up it wants to be See's Candy. - and WHO is still following along?



In an effort to stave off a crippling case of writer's cramp, I chose to type each name in Word in traditional Times New Roman font, size 22 so that all things were even Steven. All of the names submitted were included except for those who specifically asked to be removed. Madame Queen and Shania, I took you at your word. Even though he left a comment, Mr. Farklepants' name was also not included in the drawing for 2 reasons: A) I'm only giving away one of the two gift certificates that I have, which means we already have one, and B) He doesn't care for See's Candy. He says it's too sweet but I say that there is something fundamentally wrong with him. - and WHO is skimming ahead to see who won? Take one giant step forward.

With all of these names I thought, "I'm gonna need a bigger bowl".


And then I overcompensated.


And then I asked Mr. Farklepants to hold the bowl thusly so that I could take a picture. To which he sighed and rolled his eyes obliged. Then I assured him I would only capture his manhood midsection [making bobbing for names out of the question]. And then with a tremendous amount of mocking enthusiasm he inquired, "shall we do this"?


And also, "Are we done yet"?


And then, "Do you know this person"? Yes! Yes, I do. Congratulations Melissa of Green Girl in Wisconsin! Please email your address to me at tootsiefarklepants(at)yahoo(dot)com and in a few short days you will be the proud owner of a gift certificate that you can use to order your orgasm on the See's Candies website. -Who says you can't get everything on the Internet?

Thanks for playing, Readers! We'll have to do this again sometime!

The Post That Serves as a Warning to Those Who Live in Her House

Here's the thing. Tootsie has family coming in from out of town next Saturday. And Tootsie is beside herself excited that her brother, her sister in law [who's also one of Tootsie's bestest friends], and her nephew will be spending the week with her and her family! And when she says beside herself she means there is one of her right here and then another one immediately to the left of her. She also wishes that one to the left of her would get off her lazy posterior and help knock some things off of that to-do list that Tootsie keeps mentioning ohmygod she's a nag! I mean, c'mon! Look at this thing:

1. Organize office so that company can use it to store their emotional baggage.
2. Also clean the office and don't forget to dust because someone is drawing pictures in the layer that occupies the desk.
3. Find out who is doing the drawing and ask them to cut it out.
4. Buy borrow a portable crib from a friend who is still in possession of an infant so that family doesn't have to lug their's cross country.
5. Re-baby proof the electrical outlets.
6. Wrap new couch and coffee table in several layers of Saran Wrap
7. Replace patio furniture cushions that birds destroyed
8. Replace patio umbrella that wind destroyed.
9. Replace shower curtain liner that is learning a thing or two about mildew
   
10. Invest in new mattress pad for pull out couch and throw some new pillows in there while you're at it
    
11. Plan more elaborate meals that don't include hot dogs or mac & cheese
    
12. Wash guest towels & sheets
    
13. Clean, vacuum, dust, and pay extra attention to detail in the bathrooms like you usually do only mo' betta.
14. Clean out and restock refrigerator & pantry with delicious snacks
    
15. See doctor for Prozac
    
16. Get windows cleaned nevermind they can't come until after the family leaves and kind of defeats the purpose
17. Find out which one of the boys is peeing with the toilet seat down and demand that it be stopped effective immediately
18. Build a dungeon
19. Throw out clean the oven
    
20. Relocate husband and children to a safe house to shield them from the level five hurricane bitch Tootsie will become while trying to accomplish all of the above and also how she prohibits anyone from walking on the freshly vacuumed carpet - which is so much fun.
    

Who wants to volunteer to remind Tootsie that it is her brother that is visiting and not her inlaws and her brother doesn't give a rat's fig about the state of anything in her house except maybe a dungeon? I feel it only fair to warn you that she bites when she's under a tremendous amount of self inflicted pressure, and also that she goes for the jugular when told she's being unreasonable, so please keep this in mind when raising your hand. It's much the same way she behaves when PMSing only with less feminine hygiene products and cramps.

She would also like to remind you that today is the last day to get in on the giveaway of super delicious candy! So go there and leave your comment to throw your name in the hat! The winner will be announced tomorrow! And that's a lot of exclamation marks!

Her Sense of Style Borders Extreme

The Girl-Child and I took a trip to Tilly's because I wanted a pair of calf length leggings. What? Yeah, I know. See, I bought some full length leggings like almost a year ago and I just wore them for the first time a week or so ago. I had to first come to terms with the fact that I would be wearing leggings for the first time since 1992 and in order to prepare, I had to visit my tremendous place of courage. I believe that may be located somewhere just north of my spleen; which would explain why it took so long to find it. When I finally slipped them on, I was shocked at the hugeness of them because how can something look so small on a hanger and not be? I know it's been a while, but I don't think leggings are supposed to have that much slack in them; and if I pulled them all the way up then the waist nestled comfortably against my nipples. It just seemed wrong, ya know? But I'm really liking the look with sundresses. I also like sundresses with jeans, but those I have plenty of. So, anyway...Tilly's. It's the place to shop if "Skater At Any Age" is the look you seek. They meet all of your skater needs. They also have really cute clothes for kids, although a smidge pricier than Target and Old Navy. Girl-Child spies a shirt that she HAS TO HAVE RIGHT NOW MOMMY PLEASE IT'S PINK!!! and she makes a bee-line for it. [Quick aside: Do your kids ever run kind of hunkered over like say, oh, an Olympic speed skater? Just asking because that's what she did] I can see it and it's not what I would choose for my My Little Pony loving girl. So I'm picking up others along the way trying to dazzle her with my own taste and even resorting to jazz hands, "hey, look! This one has a unicorn on it" and then "nevermind" when I realize it's dusted with a fine layer of GLITTER. I avoid bringing glitter into my home at all costs (i.e. Nice school project, Sweetie! Let's keep this in the garage!). So then I was like, how about this? This is pink!




Or this? It's Paul Frank! Look! MONKEY!



And she was all, "No. I want this one Mommy".



Sigh. Hopefully someday we won't be at the tattoo parlor where I'm trying to distract her with a more discreet tramp-stamp.

Nobody Puts Baby in the Day Camp

~Reminder to get in on the giveaway of super delicious candy! Thursday is the deadline.~

With that official business out of the way...

There seems to be a popular theory that is subscribed too in my little corner of the world. And that is What Are Your Children's Scheduled Activities For The Summer? Every time I'm approached with this question my answer is "nothing". Which is met with genuine shock, like "Shooooo...lady you crazy"! But what actually comes out of their mouths is, "But won't they get bored? Won't they drive you nuts?", and this saddens me. This "What are you going to DO with them for ALL that TIIIME?". Those comments seem to indicate that their children aren't seeking activities that they're interested in; they're being put somewhere so that their parents don't have to deal. Yes, there will be more than a few occasions where my children will be testing the absolute limits of my patience this summer or I'll want to set myself on fire if I hear just one more "But he's looooookiiiiinnng at meeeeeee!", and I'll probably compose a blog post or two about how you need to talk me down and that I should perhaps jump into the bottom of a Xanax bottle for some comfort and relief.

I had one woman who would not take "nothing" as an answer and seemed to be making it her personal mission to see that I had some child-free time to myself during the upcoming summer break. Her suggestion went exactly this way (and read it really fast without taking a breath as if all the words ran together): "Because my church has this camp but it has a waiting list but if I tell them you're a friend of mine I'm sure that they would sign you up but you have to let me know right now because the cutoff is next week so if you want your kids to go to my church camp did I mention one of the things they do is kind of a movie making camp sounds fun right so do you wanna, huh, because I need to know right now why aren't you saying yes it's not a hard decision plans? what plans? how do you know if you'll have plans this will be your plan I just need to know right now and then our kids could be there together and maybe you and I could go get a cup of coffee or something you like coffee right so what do you say?...." ETCETERA because there was more. Then I got up off the floor because the shock waves from all that threw me back and to the ground like a rag doll and at the same time the whole world pulled away while the camera zoomed in on me. I'd be remiss not to mention that this woman is just barely an acquaintance.

Aside from the fact my husband would make sure my body was never found (think: wood chipper) if I sent our children to church camp, the truth of the matter is that I like spending time with my kids. I like waking up one vacation morning and saying, "hey, I know what lets do! Beach!! or Disneyland, Magic Mountain, Catalina, Santa Barbara, zoo, water park, we live in California for godsake so let's take advantage of that". Not only that, but one day, and sooner than I'd like my kids will be making their own summer plans that don't include me. And one day they'll be gone for good as adults with their own lives and families. Why would I be eager to get them out of my hair now?

A Giveaway! C'mon, it's Chocolate. You Know You Want it

We get gift cards, as gifts from others, a lot. So much so, that we have an entire drawer dedicated to gift cards for restaurants, theaters, retail stores, and more. Giving a gift card is about the laziest gesture a person can make. I understand that everyone has got those one or two people in their life Mr. Farklepants that are impossible to buy for my dad, but overwhelmingly, and let's be honest, the reason for giving a gift card is because either a) you waited until the last minute, b) it's easier to ship, or c) you procrastinated about trying to figure out a gift. I include myself in this group because I have done it countless times. But you have got to be some kind of lazy to give a gift card to a child under seven years old. You couldn't find an easier demographic to shop for. This age group is the easiest to please. You screw up when you try to go big with the gift; to give THE gift. This is not the group to do that with. They don't care about grand sweeping gestures. The younger kids are happy with a package of Hot Wheels cars or Pokemon cards. And give a five year old or younger some sidewalk chalk or even better, BUBBLES! Ohmyeffinggod! BUBBLES! You know it's true too! Bubbles will make a child lose their mind! To a child it's like their reason to live found its way through that wand. A child that young does not need a $50 gift card from Toy's R Us.

So, while we're on the subject of gift cards: a few months ago my niece was participating in a fundraiser for her college cross country team and I bought two gift certificates each for a one pound box of See's Candy.


(see how easily it turns a cheesy brass platter into supreme fanciness?)

I don't know if you've ever had See's Candy because it is primarily a West Coast thing and I think their stores go only as far east as Colorado but believe me when I tell you it's the best candy ever to be made in the history of forever. It is fucking delicious. And I'm giving one of these gift certificates for a one pound box of See's Candy away to one of you! It can also be used on their website for those of you who live in an inferior city** and aren't near a store.

The rules:

1. Leave a comment on this post by Thursday, May 22nd at 11:59pm (pst)
2. You can leave as many comments as you want but your name will only count once
   
3. I will write each name on a slip of paper
4. I will put those names into a bowl or hat or some kind of holding device
5. Mr. Farklepants will draw the name and that person will win
6. I will announce the winner on Friday, May 23rd and that person will email their address to me and prepare to have their mind blown.
7. I will send them the gift card for the super delicious candy.
8. And that person will have an orgasm (this could be you!!)
   
9. Best contest ever

GOOD LUCK!!!

**I'm totally joking about the "inferior city". Please consider this when composing your comment and/or your hate mail

This Week in Comments...

...Are a battle of the sexes! Considering I have relatively few male readers, they are holding their own in the comments and bringing the funny. But, in some ways I'm an old fashioned gal, so ladies first:


Super b's mom: "Last week, a mother WALKED ON THE FIELD to her son, who was having one mutha of a tantrum and held his hand to walk him from first to second base. We were like WTH?!?!"

WTH? indeed. This will be the mother who fills out her adult child's employment application and accompany him to the interview. Then call in sick for him when he's feeling lousy.

Just My Type: "*Little disclaimer here please... We actually live in Wan Biego and this team wasn't actually from Wan Biego...right?! They were "just pretending"? We have our own fair share of parents like this and don't need any extra! My husband (Mr. Crankypants) will enjoy this post."

Yes, they're pretending. No traveling teams for the parks and recs. I mean, we can barely make it to the other side of town in time for the game.

Shania: "Piglet plays tball. Have I mentioned that they're FOUR? I had a grandparent sitting behind me at the last game ask her daughter "so it's ok to clap for all the kids right?" Daughter actually replied "NO! We only clap for our team." Gram told her to quit being an ass and she'd clap for all those little cuties. GO GRAM!"

Seriously? We could have used Gram at today's game. Some supporters of our own team were a little to serious today. And a little too loud.

Bunny Bunster: "Yipes! That dildo has teeth!! (Plus, Stu's comments totally cracked me up!)"

Yeah. Toothless dildos are preferred. Stu cracks me up too (see below).

jennifer (jen on the edge): "I hate Rush. HATE them. The way you describe your loathing is identical to the way I describe mine (intensity of a 1,000 white hot suns). It's the singer's voice. Something about it makes me want to commit murder."

I concur. And felt that your sentiments were worth repeating.

Now for the men:

Stu: "A sharing dildo would be a whole other post, maybe even a different blog. If would be a sad life for a dildo that is afraid of the dark. happy, sad, happy, sad, happy..."

You earn ten points for humanizing a marital aide! Well done, sir!

Mr. Farklepants: "9 out of 10 husbands agree. The part of the budget dedicated to vagina maintenance is money well spent. The tenth will be donating that money to the California Supreme Court."

Swoon. And twenty points to my husband for Rick Rolling my blog, you sly devil.

The Post That May Cure Your Insomnia

I was tagged with a meme by Allison from The Rabbit Hole for thirteen uninteresting things about me. Let me wow you with some humdrum.

1. My favorite burger joint is Jimmy Deans. Not really for their burgers, although good, but for their fountain soda because it's served over CRUSHED ICE.
2. I never learned how to whistle.
   
3. I was on the drill team in junior high school. Nowadays known as "dance team".
4. I designed my own prom dress and my grandmother made it. It was the 80's and everything was very "big hoop" and I was very not. It was very similar to the style of the dress Marilyn Monroe wore in The Seven Year Itch subway skirt scene (see above). Only black with less wind. And less implied sex. My sex is always direct.
   
5. I almost drowned in a public pool when I was about 10. My mother had to jump in and rescue me.
6. I gave my brother a black eye when I threw a backpack containing a Merlin Game at his face.
   
7. I craved hamburgers with my last two pregnancies. Not McDonalds, but real hamburgers. Like, man hamburgers.
8. Nine times out of ten I will order eggs benedict when out to breakfast. Heartland Scramble if we're at Denny's.
9. I had that dreadful Dorothy Hamill haircut when I was about nine. Was mistaken for a boy more than once. Was also warned by my mother beforehand, more than once.
   
10. I own an obscene amount of makeup that I don't wear.
11. I wanted to name our daughter Madeline, Caroline, or Charlotte. My husband did not. Oh the plans how they change.
    
12. I pretty much plan my summer wardrobe around flip-flops.
13. I'm uncompromising about the no food and drink rule in my car. And also its cleanliness.
    

I know I'm supposed to tag others but I'm not. So if you all are still hanging in there and wanna, then getter done! Use it for a rainy-writer's-block-day.

Photo Google Images

**UPDATED SCROLL TO BOTTOM** Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Slogan of the day:

Next to the Breast, Tootsie Farklepants's the Best.

Enter a word for your own slogan:

Generated by the Advertising Slogan Generator. Get more tootsie farklepants slogans.

Q: Standing Still pretty much answers her own question: "Question. Age 45 and linebacker thighs. Not the thinnest they've been Shorts? I'm thinking, "not." Thanks."

A: I'm not a big shorts lover to begin with. Skirts, yes. Shorts, no. I've worn them, of course, but if you want to beat the heat then a skirt (just above the knee or longer) really is the way to go. Not only is there more air circulation but they're great sin hiders. Shorts make me think of kids and/or tourists. Skirts are classy even when casual and your sweaty legs won't stick to the seat when you try to get up.

Q: JCK of Motherscribe seeks smooth legs: "What is the best razor? And do you use shaving cream? I am known to go a day(s!!) without shaving, but if I try to shave every day I get nicked-up legs. Yet, if I go more than one day the sharpness of the hair is akin to Cactus thorns. The poor Sot husband has to wear armor to combat the razor burn from my legs! Help??"

A: I cannot even fathom shaving without shaving cream! I know I used plain ol' soap in those early years but I've assigned that memory to the dark parts of my brain that I no longer have access too. I use Skintimates shaving cream for dry skin for anything that needs shaving. And I use Venus disposable razors because I use a new one every time for the best results (I just cannot type that word without first typing "resluts"...dyslexia or something else?). The best is if you can manage a day or two in between so that there's a little growth to contend with. So? Can you? Can you manage to keep your legs to yourself for a day or two? Perhaps consult the Kamasutra for some tips on positions that don't involve your legs? I know it's on your bedside table, JCK. Don't lie.

Q: Inzaburbs seeks smoothness a little farther north: "While on the subject of razors - when replying to jck please be sure to include bikini line advice! I am committed to going to the pool every day this summer and do not want to wear one of those little skirty things that have made a resurgence."

A: Ooohhhh...Vag talk! My favorite! For the most attractive bikini line I recommend a wax. That is, if you can tolerate it AND afford it. And aren't shy since depending on what you need removed from where, your esthetician could be your new bestest friend; seeing parts of you that you yourself are physically incapable of witnessing. This was once common practice in my grooming rituals but like I said, it's pricey. Eventually, we sat down and had to have a imaginary serious discussion - just like countless married couples nationwide, I'm sure - about just how much of our household budget was being spent on my vagina. I mean, our oldest is going to need braces soon. A wax lasts about 3 weeks. So if you get it done just after you finish your period, it should last until you start again and during the time you are, um, occupied with a feminine hygiene product of some sort, this is when the regrowth can be allowed to flourish and you'll be ready for your next appointment. Seriously though, if you're just doing it for the summer, this is a good way to go. ~ how many men are still here? Raise your hand.

Q: OHMommy seeks parenting advice for the stubborn child: "How do you deal with a stubborn middle child that refuses to eat her green veggies?"

A: I'm probably the worst source for this particular advice considering my oldest child lived on Eggo Homestyle waffles for two years of his life and probably just barely dodged a raging case of scurvy. I know that Jessica Sienfeld thinks she's so original with her Deceptively Delicious ways, but mothers have been hiding veggies in their kids meals forEVER. If that doesn't work, consult your local pharmacist about making them into suppositories. Any child faced with that choice will happily take their veggies orally. If not, consult a therapist.

Q: Cheri has today's hair related question: "I'm thinking about the "Heather Armstrong on the Today show haircut." What do you think? It looks FABULOUS and even holds up under the dissin' of a couple of mean girls. It is hawt and could come in handy at PTA meetings . . ."

A: It is hot and you totally should! The "Dooce" would do for hair in the millennium like the "Rachel" did for the '90's. And it would probably draw in a whole new demographic of non-blog reading women who would be all, "who knew what I was missing?". I personally can't pull off a bob. It makes my chin and my neck appear to be one sole functioning organ and it ain't pretty. But if you aren't plagued by that particular kind of nasty, then go for it!

Q: The Mom Bomb is stumped by a critter from Nick Jr.: "Oh: another question for Prof. Farklepants! What the hell is "Uniqua" from Backyardigans? A bug? We could never figure it out."

A: What the hell is Uniqua?! Other than the fact that she's clearly a female judging by her name, why, she can't be filed neatly away in some category just to appease us! Our need for everything being just 'so'! She is intentionally vague. And she's all, "I'm Uniqua and I'm unique! The name says it all, so just deal" and then she gave three snaps up in Z-formation. And, I believe? Rolled her eyes and sucked breath through her teeth at us. She's becoming a bit of a prima donna from all the attention she gets.

***UPDATED***

Q: Karen at The Rocking Pony sent these questions via email AND I TOTALLY MISSED IT: "Okay, that's it. I've had it. What is there to do about sorting socks when you do laundry? With all the kids wearing similar sizes it's hard to know who's is who's. I HATE SORTING SOCKS. What do I do to avoid this? I've tried having the kids do this for me (because it's mostly their socks) but they don't really pull through like I'd hoped."

And I'm also looking for a lip gloss that works for me. I don't like shiny-glittery and I don't like gooey-sticky. I know you like Carmex (and I do, too) but I like something gives a little more gloss that than. Any suggestions? Thanks for your help. Too bad it's Friday and I have to wait a whole week for answers.

A: First of all I want to apologize that you had to wait, not only until Friday, but until the end of the day because a certain blogger that goes by the name of "Tootsie Farklepants" managed to forget to flag this message in her inbox. We've pulled her aside and had a chat about responsibilities. BUT! Don't feel too bad because Anglophilefootballfatnatic's submitted question has gone completely AWOL. Okay... Honestly? With the socks? Write their name or first initial on the bottom heel. With my daughter being in preschool and socks mandatory, almost every pair she owns has her name written on the bottom. And if your kids don't want to go for that because it's not cool or they think it's lame, or whatever, then they risk wearing mismatched sized socks.

Lipgloss... repeat after me: Cover Girl Wetslicks. I wear it in Iced Berry and Wine Shine. It is not too gooey, sticky, sparkly, or look as if you ate a glitter sandwich for lunch. It's pretty sheer too, which I like. One drawback, and I will be honest, it is not long lasting. You'll have to reapply every couple of hours. But I've been using it for about three years now. Which means it will be discontinued soon.

This Post...It Meanders

In case you were even considering going to Toys R Us to purchase some My Little Ponies? Don't. Even. Bother. Girl-Child bought them all with her gift cards from Christmas. Yes. Christmas. Try Target. Here they are watching Seabiscuit a My Little Pony DVD:



And when you're at the register paying for your bounty and the cashier asks you for your phone number as part of the ring up process: DON'T DO IT! A few weeks ago I had to break down and buy Girl-Child new tap shoes at Payless. Before I knew what was happening my phone number came flying out of my mouth. Because the lady was all, "what's your phone number?" and she didn't even buy me a drink first or anything. I'm all thinking it's for some kind of security purpose regarding purchases made with a debit card, BUT NOOOOOOOO. I'm now on some automated recorded phone message system thingy (or, ARPMST). And they will call at an inconvenient time to let you know that it is BOGO at Payless. And I don't. know. how. to make it stop. BUT goddammit I was prepared when the young skater looking dude asked me for my number from behind the Toys R Us counter. I was all, "why?". And he was like, "Um, for the kjdpowjej". And I went, "you know what happens, right?". And he was all, ".....". So I'm all, "They will caalllll meeeee". And he was all, "duuuude, no. way". And I was like, "way. Those Payless bastards totally called me". And he was like, "That's messed up". And I was all, "I know, right!"...

Awkward segue:

On Sunday afternoon my sister in law dropped by for a lovely afternoon of gossiping bonding and also so that our girls could play together. Oh. And also so that the men-folk (Boy-Child#1, Mr. Farklepants, and two of my brother's in law) could attend the Rush concert. They didn't really plan to go out on Mother's Day but the tickets were bought months ago. And without consulting a calender. Why didn't I go? Because, quite simply, I hate Rush with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. I know some of you just dropped dead I will send your family a lovely Hallmark card To me it sounds like one of the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz with a really kick ass band behind him. Eliminate the singer and I could tolerate it. So, while they were gone, we ladies enjoyed a to-go order of grilled turkey sandwiches with melted brie cheese, red onions, avocados, sweet potato fries, and an orgasm. We also shared a lemon bar, a pecan something bar that was like pecan pie only square, and a cranberry cookie. The kids ate something I don't remember what because of the afterglow.

Do you know what happens to two little girls aged 3 and 4 who don't get to see each other often enough but are the best of friends? They pee their pants. God, I wish I was kidding. The first to forget that a toilet is supposed to be involved when relieving oneself was my 3 year old niece. When she walked past us with the telltale wet spot on the back of her pants my sister in law and I spent the next 10 minutes trying to find out where the puddle in my house was. Living room carpet. Que sera sera. Worse things have happened. Then after an exhausting hour of bubble blowing outdoors, my own daughter came rushing through the house holding her crotch. Not a good sign. Also not good? Forcing her to wash the slick bubble soap off her hands before touching anything. Running water + pee-pee dance = just plain mean. That'll teach me and my OCD ways. She made it into the bathroom just in time to piss all over herself and the rug. It was all part of my master plan because I really want a new rug in there anyway. Of course, it's only pee so I COULD just wash it. And the thought of asking her to also poop on it seemed a little extreme. And gross. The end.

Unrelated yet related something or other:

This stuffed hippopotamus was a gift to Girl-Child from her auntie. It is so soft and scrunchy that I want to stuff my bra with it. Girl-Child has named it "Hippo-Hippo". At four years old her creativity for names has runneth out. I expect her first born child to be named "Baby Human....Rockefeller".

I Wonder if it's Available as an Action Figure

Alternate Title: The Post Where I'm Kinda Glad My Mom Doesn't Read My Blog and ohmygod Where is She Going With This?

This is the show Yo Gabba Gabba that airs on Nick Jr., which I'm sure most of you already know is Nickelodeon for the toddler and preschool set. Harmless enough show if you don't mind the impulse to give yourself electric shock therapy via jamming a fork in the nearest operating toaster, like one does while watching The Wiggles or Teletubbies. Same-same.



What's this? I believe we need to take a closer look at the character, Muno...


Yes. Yes, that's what I thought. Muno appears to be encased in a Japanese Crown Studded condom. For her pleasure. This action figure would make a great stocking stuffer for that special lady. Start your Christmas lists now.

You are SO welcome!

Because, seriously? If, after watching this show for the first time, you didn't think to yourself (or perhaps out loud?) that there is a giant orange bumpy dildo* jumping around on your television singing about things like sharing, taking turns, and being afraid of the dark? Then there is a whole new world out there for you to explore.

*for the record: Spell check does not like the word "dildo". Prude.