Thursday, May 15, 2008

This Post...It Meanders

In case you were even considering going to Toys R Us to purchase some My Little Ponies? Don't. Even. Bother. Girl-Child bought them all with her gift cards from Christmas. Yes. Christmas. Try Target. Here they are watching Seabiscuit a My Little Pony DVD:



And when you're at the register paying for your bounty and the cashier asks you for your phone number as part of the ring up process: DON'T DO IT! A few weeks ago I had to break down and buy Girl-Child new tap shoes at Payless. Before I knew what was happening my phone number came flying out of my mouth. Because the lady was all, "what's your phone number?" and she didn't even buy me a drink first or anything. I'm all thinking it's for some kind of security purpose regarding purchases made with a debit card, BUT NOOOOOOOO. I'm now on some automated recorded phone message system thingy (or, ARPMST). And they will call at an inconvenient time to let you know that it is BOGO at Payless. And I don't. know. how. to make it stop. BUT goddammit I was prepared when the young skater looking dude asked me for my number from behind the Toys R Us counter. I was all, "why?". And he was like, "Um, for the kjdpowjej". And I went, "you know what happens, right?". And he was all, ".....". So I'm all, "They will caalllll meeeee". And he was all, "duuuude, no. way". And I was like, "way. Those Payless bastards totally called me". And he was like, "That's messed up". And I was all, "I know, right!"...

Awkward segue:

On Sunday afternoon my sister in law dropped by for a lovely afternoon of gossiping bonding and also so that our girls could play together. Oh. And also so that the men-folk (Boy-Child#1, Mr. Farklepants, and two of my brother's in law) could attend the Rush concert. They didn't really plan to go out on Mother's Day but the tickets were bought months ago. And without consulting a calender. Why didn't I go? Because, quite simply, I hate Rush with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. I know some of you just dropped dead I will send your family a lovely Hallmark card To me it sounds like one of the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz with a really kick ass band behind him. Eliminate the singer and I could tolerate it. So, while they were gone, we ladies enjoyed a to-go order of grilled turkey sandwiches with melted brie cheese, red onions, avocados, sweet potato fries, and an orgasm. We also shared a lemon bar, a pecan something bar that was like pecan pie only square, and a cranberry cookie. The kids ate something I don't remember what because of the afterglow.

Do you know what happens to two little girls aged 3 and 4 who don't get to see each other often enough but are the best of friends? They pee their pants. God, I wish I was kidding. The first to forget that a toilet is supposed to be involved when relieving oneself was my 3 year old niece. When she walked past us with the telltale wet spot on the back of her pants my sister in law and I spent the next 10 minutes trying to find out where the puddle in my house was. Living room carpet. Que sera sera. Worse things have happened. Then after an exhausting hour of bubble blowing outdoors, my own daughter came rushing through the house holding her crotch. Not a good sign. Also not good? Forcing her to wash the slick bubble soap off her hands before touching anything. Running water + pee-pee dance = just plain mean. That'll teach me and my OCD ways. She made it into the bathroom just in time to piss all over herself and the rug. It was all part of my master plan because I really want a new rug in there anyway. Of course, it's only pee so I COULD just wash it. And the thought of asking her to also poop on it seemed a little extreme. And gross. The end.

Unrelated yet related something or other:


This stuffed hippopotamus was a gift to Girl-Child from her auntie. It is so soft and scrunchy that I want to stuff my bra with it. Girl-Child has named it "Hippo-Hippo". At four years old her creativity for names has runneth out. I expect her first born child to be named "Baby Human....Rockefeller".

48 comments:

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

All of our stuffed animals are named "Puppy" or "Dog" or "Froggie." We are pathetically deficient in the imaginative-naming category.

Karen said...

Are there any Rockefellers left in the world? With money, I mean. Because I'd probably better be setting my daughter out after them if so.

And those phone-people? Hate 'em. Know what elese I hate? When they ask for your email address. Next they'll be asking my bra size, like it's any of their business.

Stephanie said...

LOL. Were you a stand up comedian before? And have I already asked you that?? It stinks that after reading your great post I get to write a post on broccoli bites or something. Thanks for the laugh as always!!!! Hope you had a great Mothers Day.

Madame Queen said...

God that sandwich sounds delicious (as she wipes drool off her chin).

And oh.my.god. RUSH! I would rather pluck out my eyelashes one by one than have to listen to ONE NOTE of a song by Rush. A whole concert? Kill me now.

Jennifer said...

My oldest names all her baby dolls Andrew. And they are all girl babies. And between her and her two sisters we have 24 My Little Ponies. The OCD oldest has a tendency to line them up. Well, actually, she lines everything up: matchbox cars, ponies, anything we have at least three of. And with three girls, we have 3 of everything.

Caution said...

Um, could I have the phone number of the take-out place? I would like to try that sandwich with a side of orgasm.

Muddlin' Mother said...

OMG, you are my morning requirement now. 1. cup o'joe 2. Wisdom from Farklepants. Then I'll get toddler out of her bed. Not before.

Madge said...

i can't believe you missed Rush. how i hate Rush. how i hate hate hate them.

Allie said...

Hippo-Hippo is adorable.

I don't even know who Rush is...is that a bad thing?

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Random is FUNNY.

Do not every give Limited Too your phone number or your addresss. It. Will. Never. Stop.

Shania said...

You know the Visa cash card commercial where everyone is doing their perfectly synchronized dance and the line is moving along? And then someone mucks it all up by writing a check? That's me at Toy R Us by refusing to give my phone number. If you stand there long enough and say 000-111-2222 long enough, they eventually give up!

Ann said...

Whenever one of the behind-the-counter folks asks me for my email or phone number - I always say "OF COURSE, as long as you give me yours and you don't mind what happens to it next" - and then they're all "moving on".

Crazy works every time. Highly recommended.

g said...

That array of ponies is awesome!!

I like the idea of orgasm sandwiches. What a deli that would be!

debawriter said...

Oh WOW, that sandwich.

(Were there *multiple* sandwiches involved?)

And would you believe that you are the second blog to mention Rush this week? As I pointed out on the other one, Phil Minarik ruined Rush for me in the 8th grade. It's a long story, but heartbreak was involved.

But I think I still would have hated Rush anyway.

Deb
sandiegomomma.com

MommyTime said...

Just give them your area code, then 555-1212. When I was growing up, that was the number to call to get the weather report. Good as anything else. And if they say "wait, there aren't real numbers that start with 555," just tell them you just got one of those newfangled cable phone lines, and all those numbers have this unique prefix for tracking purposes. Complicated? Yes. Delightfully subversive? Hellz yea. Avoids the annoying callbacks? Oh yes oh yes oh yes oh yes yes yes YES! with a side of melted brie turkey red onion sandwich.

Melissa said...

You are so funny!

I just say "No" when they ask for my phone #. It's funny how shocked they are when I do, so most people must give it up. Cheap sluts.

scargosun said...

OK OK!

I feel the need to point out that those of us in the retail industry are FORCED by our managers who keep track of the percentage of email/phone numbers we get and actually berate us for not trying to force it out of you. PLEASE take pity on us. We don't WANT to ask you for it, trust me. I think it's an invasion of privacy.

EatPlayLove said...

I have memorized a local time and temperature phone number, so that's my go-to, with frazzled last minute register requests! haha!

I will not allow my 4 year old to see your daughter's MLP collection, about 3x a month she becomes some bizarre crazed MLP fanatic. I think that photo would set her off.

Sophie said...

For some reason I never get sales calls on my cellphone, although I give out the number all the time.

Back when I had a landline (before I discovered I was paying $70 a month to receive sales calls), I would get dialed by any company I had ever sneezed on.

Jennifer H said...

First of all, that sandwich sounds amazing. So stop talking about. No, keep talking about it. No, stop.

I was laughing my ass off (unfortunately, not literally...my ass is still there, and big) with your conversation with the checkout guy at Toys R Us.

I always pee myself when I see friends I haven't gotten to see in a while. Sounds to me like it's normal? Whew.

Colleen said...

they still make My Little Pony, huh? So I might actually make some cash if I sell mine on eBay? I've got a castle and like 8 ponies...vintage stuff!...well, unless my mom got rid of it..hmmm...

dorothy said...

LOL @ your convo with skater dude. I can totally picture that whole thing!

Tempered Woman said...

I'm not sure why but I totally read this post as if you were speaking it without taking a single breath.
I can't stand Rush either. thanks for that.
You can breathe now, btw.

Mr. Farklepants said...

Subdivisions...
In the high school halls
In the shopping malls
Conform or be cast out

Subdivisions...
In the basement bars
In the backs of cars
Be cool or be cast out
Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth
But the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth

~ Neil Peart

**makes devil horns with right hand and shakes it in the air**

Best Band Ever...

Tootsie is not right about everything ;)

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Damn you Mr. Farklepants! You got me!

Mr. Farklepants said...

Oh that worked even better than I hoped. Just couldn't help yourself eh?

Nicole said...

That is one rather impressive collection of my little ponies.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

@ Mr. Farklepants~ I thought maybe you'd started a blog. Fucker.

Mr. Farklepants said...

OMG LOL WTF BBQ!!!

like taking candy from a baby...

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Wow. You and hubby are having fun. Why stop at Baby Human Rockefeller? I'd aim for Vanderbilt or Duke...then you'd get free college, too.

Melissa said...

I'm feeling like you need a ba dum ching after all of these one liners!! :)

Allison said...

Hey Tootsie -
I really like your blog so I "tagged" you for one of those "13 things about you" games on my blog. :)

Kristi said...

Do you know what happens when a mommy who doesn't get out much reads a post such as this that she can relate wholeheartedly to? She pees her pants.

How I wish I were kidding (and I am). ;)

Mrs. Parks said...

LOVE this blog!
We did the gift card walk of shame through Toys-R-Us in Feb. The nine year old who claims me also claimed every Power Ranger on the shelf :)

Aunt Becky said...

I drink hatorade on anyone who asks for my phone number. Unless it's for some sweet, sweet lovin'.

stu said...

Every time I see a My Little Pony, I think of the game "Porn star or My Little Pony"

Take any name like "Cherry Treats, Sweet Daisy, Firefly, Bubbles, Misty Rain" and figure out if it is a My Little Pony or a Porn star...

-Stu

barbra said...

SO TRUE!

When my girls play with their friends, they totally forget to go potty until it is too late. Too busy giggling, I guess.

A Mom Two Boys said...

Rush is still in existence? Hmmm...


And Dylan's dog is named "Woofy" or "puppy". He's super creative too.

Mary said...

Any woman who can call her husband a fucker while making people laugh si way cool. You are way cool.

OHmommy said...

I am happy to admit that Mr OHmommy does all the laundry in the house. Even after play dates.

stephanie said...

I think I love you.

[Awkward segue]

But I kinda like Rush.

Angie said...

I have a girl crush on you, too.

And I will be expecting my Hallmark, cuz I dig Rush. But you do have a point about them.

KEEP BELIEVING

calicobebop said...

Ponies! The ponies rock!

Love the hippo too!

Jennifer (Jen on the Edge) said...

I hate Rush. HATE them. The way you describe your loathing is identical to the way I describe mine (intensity of a 1,000 white hot suns). It's the singer's voice. Something about it makes me want to commit murder.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

So I initially came over here to tell you that I love love LOVE the name Tootsie Farkelpants, but then I got all caught up in your posts. This is too funny. I didn't know pee-pee dance was a common-knowledge term.
Bottom Line: You kill me.

- Margaret

katydidnot said...

"baby human"

hahahahahahaha.

brilliant. and those ponies? i'm a little bit afraid.

Tricia said...

I just found your blog and I'm never coming back. I'm laughing so hard I've peed in my pants twice, and I created three more laugh lines. I also think I broke a tear duct while laughing so hard my eyes watered themselves empty.

Cheri said...

I love the randomness. It made me laugh all over the place.

And I always say "No, thank you" when they ask if they can have my number. And I hate Rush. Tootsie and Cheri are MFEO.