Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I Must Confess...It's Tuesday #8 (Plus an Appetizer of Money and Sex)

Here's Where I Discuss the Economy for a Second and Then Shut Up

JP Morgan buying Bears Stern for $2 a share had Mr. Farklepants in the proverbial dither. He's Mr. Peak Oil. Mr. Doom & Gloom. Senior Hell in a Handbasket. While I'm Mrs. Rainbows and Sunshine in comparison [I know! And me with all my bitching up in in here]. I am the optimistic ying to his half empty yang. It's that magic that is our marriage. I often tune him out hang endlessly onto his every word when he gets started. He's been discussing the rising cost of gas before it even became an actual issue. He bought a natural gas car, like, years ago. He's replaced all of our energy sucking light bulbs with the energy efficient persuasion and now I have no good light in which to apply my makeup. He's invested wisely. We decided long ago to not upgrade our house and have kept the same low interest rate fixed mortgage with a payment that is more than likely less than many people pay to rent an apartment in California; while many acquaintances, neighbors, and friends are now struggling in their McMansions. He's wise when it comes to all things money, except when he forgets to pay for a traffic ticket. When the news informs us that gas may reach $4 a gallon nationwide, it is nearly that already in Los Angeles. So after he finished his most recent financial forecast, in which the JP Morgan/Bears Stern scenario mirrored that of just before the Great Depression; I informed him that when I last put gas in my car I refused to put in more than $50 and that would just have to do because of the outrageousness of it all. And he looked at me as if I had just whispered something deliciously naughty and stuck my tongue in his ear and my hand down his pants. It's okay. We're married.

The current state of the economy plus a .05 cent wine sale at BevMo? Coincidence? I think not.

**********************************

Tuesday's Confession

Alternate title: I Guess I Sort of Asked for This

So, here's what I did: I bought some bird food, ya know, for Drib

Yeah. So, that attracted an assload of birds. And then this happened:

And look at him. The smug bastard. He just watched me take his picture. Fecker. [and this is not Drib. nuh-uh. Drib is pretty and blue. This guy is a thug. Look at him! All disheveled.]


For once a product that lives up to its claim: "A highly appealing formula designed to attract a great variety of songbirds" - that will pilfer my patio furniture to line their nests.
File under: My bad.
Sub-Category: Poorly exercised judgment.
Section: Extreme use of stupidity.

27 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Your marriage sounds a lot like mine.

You just know those McMansion people will end up in state run nursing homes or living in the Escalades someday!

OHmommy said...

OMG... you actually got a picture of the little shit pecking away.

Amazing.

Are you sure our husbands are not related? Is he Scottish? LOL.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

What an ungrateful little shit (not your husband, the BIRD, silly!).

Jennifer said...

That smug little pecker. Look at him mocking you. We have a shifty-eyed squirrel that used to eat our patio furniture and taunt my dogs through the sliding glass door. He got the surprise of his life when I let those dogs loose on him. Who's pretentious now, squirrel??

Madame Queen said...

In our marriage, I'm Senorita Worry Wart and Mr. Daddy is Mr. It Will All Work out In the End. But this new 60 mile round trip commute has us both worried about gas prices. We may even -- GASP -- start to ride together. It may be more togetherness than either of us can stand.

Look what those birds did to your patio furniture!!

Don Mills Diva said...

Mr. Farklepants sounds like a wise man indeed.

slow panic said...

Mr. Farklepants sounds vaguely familiar. Mr. Panic very much likes to discuss the doom and gloom of the economy. lately he sure has plenty of reason to do so.

Melissa said...

Wow, I think Mr. Farklepants and Mr. D must be brothers.
The nasty bird using your cushion for construction material? Must be shot. Get a pellet gun stat.

Buford Betty said...

Oh no - that's hilarious!

Colleen said...

what kind of evil ungrateful birds to you have in Cali? holy crap! I put out food and the worst I get is bird poop in my flowerbeds. Of course I also don't have fancy patio furniture...birds, including the lovely turkey vulture, would be hard-pressed to turn any part of our patio furniture into nesting material.

Angie said...

I hate birds - effing scavengers. I don't feed them because I get the pigeonish-ugly-doves that sit around and shit all over my deck and trampoline. Oh wait, I get them even if I DON'T feed them.

Your husband has me freaked. I am going to call my investment advisor and move everything to a safe fixed account.

KEEP BELIEVING

jennifer h said...

I think that little bastard bird flew in from New Jersey. He looks connected, so watch out.

Oh, and you had me at money and sex. Who could click out after that??

Lisa Milton said...

The news reports have me all upset too. They used the words "Great Depression" - sounds so charming, no?

Ack.

As for that bird, that sucker is destructive. His future isn't looking too bright either.

jennie said...

this was sent to me by my husband's crackberry yesterday at 6:49 am "it’s going to be a rough ride on the street this week. Keep an eye on the markets and watch what happens" sheesh doesn't he know i am busy spending time with my children (or actually blogging)

i love your blog, it is hilarious.

nudeman40 said...

Why don't you catch the little guy and bring him/her to Avitabls house. I am sure he would love it...

Day Dreamer said...

LMAO at the bird.

I remember fighting the little devils to keep a decent amount of grass seed down one year. They'd wait until my back was turned, little darlings.....gggrrrrr.

Don't even get me started on stocks or gas prices!! :)

Jen M. said...

I love the bird pic. And as for the economy - bleeccch. Now is the time to buy stocks, though.

I don't have a McMansion, but I live in a resort town where even the milk is expensive and would KILL for a cheap mortgage. I fantasize about selling the house once the market gets better and renting a small apartment. I really do.

JCK said...

I'm apologizing ahead of time, but...I'm laughing my ASS off over the Drib and various songbird saga...it is a great unfolding tale.

As for the economy...well, your Mr. Farklepants is no dummy. And obviously he still heats up over you! Perhaps this irresistable bird feed appeals to large males as well?

BB gun for hire said...

Looks like you now have a good excuse to get new patio furnature to match the new couch. I still have that BB gun available if you want to keep Drib but remove Fecker.

-Stu

Nap Warden said...

Holy moly, that little guy really does a number on the patio furniture!

Husband deals in student loan financing for the state, he was all over the mortgage crisis. We live in the city (rarely drive) gas prices are a bummer, but luckily we don't fill up much:)

Caution said...

Why did I ever go to college? Everything I need to know is right here!

Karen said...

Birds actually tearing apart your patio furniture?! Is nothing sacred?!! You can keep your CA variety of home wreckers, thank-you-very-much.

BusyDad said...

Now if they just made whiskey $4 a gallon, it just might make buying gas at $4 a gallon easier to swallow. As well as ingrate birds. You should bbq those suckers.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Seriously! Those birds did that in a matter of 2 days! There's tons of them. He was the only one that stuck around for the photo op.

MQ~ I wish you and hubs the best of luck in the ride sharing.

Cheri said...

It's all about balance in marriage. And booze. Lots of booze.

Busy birds too!

HRH said...

Great, I am now singing the Heat-miser song in my head after the description of your husband. This statement is brilliant: "I am the optimistic ying to his half empty yang." I may have it engraved into my wedding ring as a perfect description of my marriage.

And the birds...Hitchcockingly funny.

standing still said...

Perhaps Mr. Farklepants will roast the bird in order to forrage for some reasonably priced poultry?