Friday, May 23, 2008

We Interrupt Friday's Regularly Scheduled Advice Column to Bring You This Important Bulletin!

It's official. You all are not even kidding about chocolate and/or free stuff. Over one hundred of you submitted your names for the chance to receive a gift certificate for one pound of See's Candy. Before we get started I would like to answer Anglophilefootballfanatic's burning question: "You're that close to Ghirardelli people and you like See's? Hmm." The answer to that is: When Ghirardelli grows up it wants to be See's Candy. - and WHO is still following along?



In an effort to stave off a crippling case of writer's cramp, I chose to type each name in Word in traditional Times New Roman font, size 22 so that all things were even Steven. All of the names submitted were included except for those who specifically asked to be removed. Madame Queen and Shania, I took you at your word. Even though he left a comment, Mr. Farklepants' name was also not included in the drawing for 2 reasons: A) I'm only giving away one of the two gift certificates that I have, which means we already have one, and B) He doesn't care for See's Candy. He says it's too sweet but I say that there is something fundamentally wrong with him. - and WHO is skimming ahead to see who won? Take one giant step forward.

With all of these names I thought, "I'm gonna need a bigger bowl".


And then I overcompensated.


And then I asked Mr. Farklepants to hold the bowl thusly so that I could take a picture. To which he sighed and rolled his eyes obliged. Then I assured him I would only capture his manhood midsection [making bobbing for names out of the question]. And then with a tremendous amount of mocking enthusiasm he inquired, "shall we do this"?


And also, "Are we done yet"?


And then, "Do you know this person"? Yes! Yes, I do. Congratulations Melissa of Green Girl in Wisconsin! Please email your address to me at tootsiefarklepants(at)yahoo(dot)com and in a few short days you will be the proud owner of a gift certificate that you can use to order your orgasm on the See's Candies website. -Who says you can't get everything on the Internet?

Thanks for playing, Readers! We'll have to do this again sometime!

40 comments:

Tricia said...

Congratulations to Melissa. What a perfect way to start your Friday...knowing that an orgasm will arrive soon the old fashioned way...via snail mail.

standing still said...

Duh. Enough midsection. Let's see him!

Daalelli said...

Congrat's Melissa (greengirl of Wisconsin) Enjoy your orgasm from the west coast!

Madame Queen said...

I had all these links from you this morning so for a minute I thought I had won. Considering that I ate THREE slices of pizza last night, I definitely do not need the candy.

Apparently you can get dooced, mir'd, and tootsied. Who knew?!

OHmommy said...

Heeheee... great photoshop skills. ;)

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I'm a little sadcakes about the lack of an advice column, but the fact that you REALLY know how to do a drawing almost makes up for it.

Missy said...

Oh My God, I saw my name on one of your lists!!! HAHA.....it's the small things that make your day. NOw I must tell everyone, I'm on Tootsie Farklepants' blog. I'm famous!

HRH said...

That's a really nice shirt.

Melissa said...

Oooh, Ya picked my name but not my blog...tell Mr. Farklepants I'm putting a curse on him!! ;)

Karen said...

I think that was rigged.

Jenny said...

I'm fairly disappointed that my name wasn't chosen but at least Anonymous Troll didn't win.

Otherwise this blog would have been dead to me.

Melissa said...

THANK YOU!!!! It's my first online win EVER (not counting free offers for penile enlargement and Rolex watches). I cannot wait to try See's and see if it's all you say it will be:)

All Adither said...

See's is the best. By far.

Minnesota Matron said...

Hooray! The Matron loves her Wisconsin neighbor and is happy for her. And Ghirardelli chocolate is totally overrated. I'm with you on that one.

Nancy said...

I stumbled across your blog and simply had to visit the "farklepants." I loved every minute of my visit and plan to come again soon!

Thanks for the fun,
Nancy

Tanja said...

Thanks for letting us play!!

Colleen said...

Ghirardellis is poop. Good thing you were giving away a See's gift certificate...no one likes receiving poop in the mail.

congrats to Melissa!

Angie said...

Tootsie,

You're gifted really. I don't know any other "reveal the winner" post I have ever felt the impulse to comment on if I didn't win. Not that this is so much a comment, but a compliment, which I guess is a comment, anyway.

I think I will plant a not very subtle hint with the hubby regarding See's Chocolate and birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas, etc.

KEEP BELIEVING

barbra said...

I, too, like See's better than Ghirardelli. See's IS sweeter. Some people (me) like their chocolate sweeter and milkier. Some people (not me) like their chocolate darker and bitter...er. Mo' bitter.

See's started in Los Angeles, and Ghirardelli started in San Francisco. Turf wars.

Good & Crazy said...

1st, ordering my orgasm is FUNny.

Second. This was like a tute for giveaways. How cute you are to document it, and your husband too, for helping.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

That Mr. Farklepants is a great sport! Congrats, Melissa.

Mr. Farklepants said...

Note to self: Show Tootsie how to create drop shadows in Photoshop...

Melissa: I hope it was good for you... Maybe we should pack a cigarette in with that certificate.

Jennifer H said...

Congratulations, Melissa!

Also, Tootsie, Weight Watchers and I are so relieved you (or Mr. Farklepants, actually) didn't draw my name. Whewww.

I loved your captioning, by the way. You funny girl.

The Girl Next Door said...

Even your sweepstakes drawings are clever and hilarious. Love it. Have a great weekend. I'm going to go cry now and eat my 2nd rate local candy....

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Way to go Mr. Farklepants, Sir! You are so talented. We might need you for fantasy football season. I'm accused of cheating whenever I pull.

And, I still say the San Francisco treat is divine.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Way to go Mr. Farklepants, Sir! You are so talented. We might need you for fantasy football season. I'm accused of cheating whenever I pull.

And, I still say the San Francisco treat is divine.

Undomestic Diva said...

Is it wrong that you're giving away a pound of See's Candy (which btw, Mary Sees is my great, great aunt) and all I can think about is the fact that I also love the Joyful Juliana font?

I RECOGNIZED YOUR FONT. I need a life.

scargosun said...

I am DEVISTATED! :(

Now I have to raid someone else's junk food stash. :(

stephanie (bad mom) said...

I want the Joyful Juliana font...Oh, and PhotoShop, too. I'm so deprived.

slouching mom said...

You crack my sh*t up, lady.

ALF said...

You crack me up.

stu said...

Awwww, shucks....

THE MOM BOMB said...

Sees Nuts and Chews rock! Also love the lollipops.

violetteb said...

Congratulations Green Girl. Oh well, my husband goes back to San Diego next week. I'll have to give him puppy dog eyes...

Jason said...

Yeah, yeah, nice giveaway. I just want to see what Mr. Farklepants looks like.

Saucy said...

Sweet contest. Green Girl deserves it, for all the good things she does for mother earth. And when she's done tanking back all that candy, she'll recycle the box and compost the wrappers.... seriously... she will.

Kathy said...

Oh Mr. Farklepants! That is one. sexy. torso.

dorothy said...

I see my name in the pic! AWESOME. Congrats to the winner!

dkuroiwa said...

oh...look...there's my name...so close...yet....damn.
oh well....one of my students has See's shipped to her and she gave me a box that I have been sloooowwwwlllly eating.
Congrats to Melissa...and I would suggest sending her a cigarette for every 2 candies in a box....yes, they are THAT good!!
And was Mr. Farklepants also untucked...I suggest a smaller bowl next time....just a thought.

ɯoɔ˙ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

I wish I'd come across this blog in time to enter...