Thursday, May 22, 2008

The Post That Serves as a Warning to Those Who Live in Her House

Here's the thing. Tootsie has family coming in from out of town next Saturday. And Tootsie is beside herself excited that her brother, her sister in law [who's also one of Tootsie's bestest friends], and her nephew will be spending the week with her and her family! And when she says beside herself she means there is one of her right here and then another one immediately to the left of her. She also wishes that one to the left of her would get off her lazy posterior and help knock some things off of that to-do list that Tootsie keeps mentioning ohmygod she's a nag! I mean, c'mon! Look at this thing:

  1. Organize office so that company can use it to store their emotional baggage.
  2. Also clean the office and don't forget to dust because someone is drawing pictures in the layer that occupies the desk.
  3. Find out who is doing the drawing and ask them to cut it out.
  4. Buy borrow a portable crib from a friend who is still in possession of an infant so that family doesn't have to lug their's cross country.
  5. Re-baby proof the electrical outlets.
  6. Wrap new couch and coffee table in several layers of Saran Wrap
  7. Replace patio furniture cushions that birds destroyed
  8. Replace patio umbrella that wind destroyed.
  9. Replace shower curtain liner that is learning a thing or two about mildew
  10. Invest in new mattress pad for pull out couch and throw some new pillows in there while you're at it
  11. Plan more elaborate meals that don't include hot dogs or mac & cheese
  12. Wash guest towels & sheets
  13. Clean, vacuum, dust, and pay extra attention to detail in the bathrooms like you usually do only mo' betta.
  14. Clean out and restock refrigerator & pantry with delicious snacks
  15. See doctor for Prozac
  16. Get windows cleaned nevermind they can't come until after the family leaves and kind of defeats the purpose
  17. Find out which one of the boys is peeing with the toilet seat down and demand that it be stopped effective immediately
  18. Build a dungeon
  19. Throw out clean the oven
  20. Relocate husband and children to a safe house to shield them from the level five hurricane bitch Tootsie will become while trying to accomplish all of the above and also how she prohibits anyone from walking on the freshly vacuumed carpet - which is so much fun.
Who wants to volunteer to remind Tootsie that it is her brother that is visiting and not her inlaws and her brother doesn't give a rat's fig about the state of anything in her house except maybe a dungeon? I feel it only fair to warn you that she bites when she's under a tremendous amount of self inflicted pressure, and also that she goes for the jugular when told she's being unreasonable, so please keep this in mind when raising your hand. It's much the same way she behaves when PMSing only with less feminine hygiene products and cramps.

She would also like to remind you that today is the last day to get in on the giveaway of super delicious candy! So go there and leave your comment to throw your name in the hat! The winner will be announced tomorrow! And that's a lot of exclamation marks!

36 comments:

Cheri said...

Tootsie,
I feel that it is time to turn the tables on dispensing advice. I'll talk. You'll listen. Only do the things on the list that involve shopping for fun stuff like throw pillows, umbrellas, and shower curtains. And do the one about getting the seat pee offender to cease and desist. Forget about the remainder of the list and enjoy the visit.

dorothy said...

YAY for the visit! I will help you with anything if you need it :) I'm mostly free!

Jennifer H said...

I would do #15 first (securing Prozac), then maybe just #6 (Saran wrap), #17 (get my son to stopit stopit stopit, too), and #20 (because someone could die).

But relax about the other stuff, like Cheri said, that doesn't involve shopping for cute stuff.

Manager Mom said...

Good luck with the visits. and for #11, might I recommend takeout, removed from its containers and presented in your own serving dishes?

off to win some candy..

Tricia said...

If your house is too clean, and there's too much delicious food, you'll intimidate them. You can slack a bit in the name of sibling love so you don't scare them with your mom-can-do-it-all prowress.

Karen said...

Why do we do this to ourselves? Relax, have some See's and enjoy their visit.

Kristi said...

I just may have a girl crush...

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I have no advice. I too would be a level 5 Hurricane Bitch.

Stephanie said...

LOL LOL LOL!!!!! I get swept away when people visit as well, especially if it's a stay over. In case I run out of time, I always do my best work in the areas they will be in mostly like their guest room and then get a little lazy in other areas and make them think each of them made the mess since they came :)

Sue said...

I just did this last weekend. My method (which I don't really recommend) is stay up all night before they arrive, clean as much as possible, then lock children securely in the backyard the next day and open a bottle of wine. You will be nearly passed out by the time they arrive and you will be too tired to care if everything is up to snuff.

Don't stress and enjoy the visit!

The Girl Next Door said...

I am so glad I am not alone! I do this, too, even when it's my sister visiting who has a WAAAAAYY worse messy-house than I do. I use it as an excuse to get things cleaned that would otherwise be so disgusting even my toilet-peeing boy couldn't survive...
Enjoy the visit!

Melissa said...

LOL! This post was hilarious! Now slowly back away from the cleaning products, I think you've been smelling fumes for a little to long! ;)

Jenny said...

This one is confusing me: 11. Plan more elaborate meals that don't include hot dogs or mac & cheese.

Because more elaborate? Than hot dogs or mac & cheese? Surely such a thing does not exist.

hot dogs / mac & cheese = pinnacle of elaborate

Allie said...

Breathe Tootsie...Breathe!

ONEDIA HAYES SYLVEST said...

I do the same thing when my sister comes because she can barely walk on some days and yet she keeps her house spotless. IN fact dirt would not dare put a molecule in her house.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I just KNEW I had a twin sister somewhere. We must have been separated at birth. I think we're both in the OC too!? Umbrellas/wind, etc.

Angie said...

I have a similar to do list. I also have a similar husband reminding me that they don't give a rats fat ass what the house looks like because HE wouldn't give a rats fat ass what someones house looked like. I am also beside myself. I also have two or four very dirty little hands making matters worse.

So hang in there and set some priorities - like twitter and blogs and comments and stuff like that.

KEEP BELIEVINV

MommyTime said...

I'd like to ADD some things to your list, but bear with me here because you'll like it in the end. (1) home-baked goods prepared on the morning they will arrive; (2) plan a puppet show or some other "entertainment" with all the children while they're there. In my experience, there is nothing like the adorableness of lisped "what am I supposed to say now, mama?" and the laughter that is filtered through giant bites of home-made muffiny goodness to distract distract DISTRACT the eye from any slight untidiness that might occur in corners. So adding those two things to your list cuts down all the tedious cleaning activities by at least 1/3, since no one will notice anyway. See how helpful I can be?

Have a great visit!

scargosun said...

Thank Goddess someone else goes into a tizzy when they entertain! :) You just want the place to be nice, clean and relaxing for you AND your guests so you all can have a good time. I totally get it and if I lived near you I'd help you out. :)

BTW, get some Ativan with the Prozac, works wonders.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

My family never comes to visit (thank you God!), but when the in-laws come, that's when we totally slack on the cleaning. It makes my MIL for wanted and needed when I let her scrub my house for hours and hours. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

EatPlayLove said...

really? I think you should forgo the list, except for #17 peeing on toilet seats must stop.

Have a great time, from what I gathered your house is already immaculate.

barbra said...

I have a spare portacrib you can borrow if you want to drive ALL THE WAY OVER HERE in your spare time

A Mom Two Boys said...

Oooh...see my Brother-in-law is a total neat freak and I'd be hiring someone to come clean my house if he was coming over. Luckily he lives in DC and if he comes out this way they end up at my mother's, so it's her problem!

And the candy...not entering because the LAST thing I need is a box of chocolates around me, my husband and my two year old. It gets ugly. And not just the additional cellulite!

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Oh, please, oh, please with a cherry on top Ms Farklepants, ma'am! Can I build the dungeon? I'll even include an oubliette for Jehovah's Witnesses..

Adrienne said...

I have a porta crib thingy, and I don't live a million miles away, just over here in Glendale. Email if you want it. avanhouten@sbcglobal.net

just jamie said...

Came by way of Classy Chaos, although I've seen your avatar everywhere and really didn't need to be begged to come over. 'Cause, sheez, I've read your comments and nearly peed myself (okay I did, but only a little).

Your list sounds like mine. Grab a few shots and crack the whip. Good luck.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Thanks for the offers on the porta-crib, Peeps! I've scored one. Funny how you walk into a preschool and say, "Anyone wanna loan me a crib?" and people start pulling them out of the back of their minivan. People are good.

Dorothy, get your ass over here. Bring your own list and your OCD. Thanks.

OHmommy said...

I had visitors in last week. It took me three days of OCD cleaning and one full day of the cleaning ladies help to get the house in order.

I will not be entertaining out of town guests for some time. ;)

Have a great weekend!

Ann said...

OMG, this is *so* me before a visit - I go insane and can't even stand myself through the entire loathsome process. It's at those times I want to grow a penis and just worry whether or not there is enough beer in the fridge.

insane mama said...

Go with #15 FIRST and FAST!
Can't you just flip over the pillows that the brds ruined?
Hide the mac and cheese under your bed, you KNOW you will need it later.

Mrs. G. said...

Tootsie is scaring me. It's your brother!

stephanie said...

Funny, build a dungeon is on my list, too.

HRH said...

"level five hurricane bitch Tootsie"

There are Texas storms like that. They name them Holly.

Can you post the dungeon plans when completed?

Colleen said...

sounds like me. mom and stepdad will be at our doorstep in 8 days. I've got a lot of cleanin' to do before they stay with us for a week! But definitely glad it's my mom and not my in-laws!

Ya... About That said...

See, I'm like this EVERY TIME someone comes over (read: don't you @#$%%! DARE drop by unexpectedly!) I do this mostly because my house is always a disaster and then I go freaky on it and you. do. not. want to be near me when that happens. Much like the PMS also. One word for you: Natural Progesterone Cream. I rub that stuff all over me like it's butter and I'm a bird just waitin' for a bakin'. Then I can OCD happily and the children don't get scared.

JCK said...

Hope it is a great visit! Was it this past weekend or next?