Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Nonsense

If you ever have the opportunity to come and visit me you'll never have to snoop around in my medicine cabinets or under my bathroom sink because I'm nothing if not an open book. These boxes are just two of the various feminine hygiene products I have stashed in several locations throughout the bathrooms of our home. The product on the left is what I like to call an inadvertent purchase. Meaning: all I read was Playtex super regular 36 unscented...grabbed it and ran.

Turns out, the box on the left contain some kind of athletic tampons designed for Olympic gymnasts the active woman. But not just any old active woman; the box clearly states they are for active lifestyles. Where active probably means tennis jogging swimming and some other kind of cardio that involves sweating [let the record show that we at Vintage Thirty frown upon sweating]. The box on the right are your ordinary Gentle Glides for the sedentary. I imagine that semi-active women, for instance, those who mop floors dust lampshades vacuum and run errands fall somewhere in between. [Note to Playtex: We'd like to see a prototype for the Average Housewife and Mother]

FYI: Inserting a sporty tampon does not inspire you to suddenly want to run a marathon. This is not the magic pill you seek for motivation and inspiration, kids. [Because when one thinks "magic" one does not envision a suppository. And who just pictured pulling a rabbit out of a...hat?]

Here is where I destroy two perfectly good tampons for my your entertainment. These will now have to go in the trash. And right now you're saying to yourself, "Tootsie? Don't you realize that there are women in third world countries that don't even HAVE tampons?" Trust me, this was a dilemma with which I grappled.


Let's compare their differences. New improved Sporty tampon on the left boasts a fuller bottom and more grippable applicator for the active vagina. It also contains tampon technology that includes an anti-leak back up layer [think: Jennifer Hudson's "Effie White" to Beyonce's "Deena Jones" in Dreamgirls...or something]. Gentle Glide on the right provides: "incredible comfort with a unique two-layer, cross pad design that opens equally all around" for all of that sitting and laying down and the eventual making of the beds.

I should mention that the Gentle Glide on the right is a Super-Plus and not from either of the boxes pictured above. It is from a box that is now empty and disposed of. Which begs the real question here: why do I have so many damn tampons? It's like I'm planning for some vaginal Armageddon and expecting NO survivors. You think I'm kidding? We haven't even discussed the panty liners and feminine napkins in my possession. Take comfort in knowing that if you're ever a guest in my home and your special friend pays a visit you will not have to resort to wadding up toilet paper and placing it strategically in your underpants. And risk that sucker working its way down the leg of your trousers.