Things That Fall Under the Not Bloody Likely Category: Bending it Like Beckham

I've been a mother for coming up on twelve years now. When my marriage was in its infancy and Mr. Farklepants and I awaited our woops! first born; we traded in my sporty little coupe for a mini-van [of which I was simultaneously impressed and repulsed by its practicality and convenience] Repulsion finally prevailed, coincidentally when the three year lease was up, and the mini-van was traded in for a giant SUV [back when it was still an acceptable mode of transportation] which was eventually replaced with a more modest sized SUV. Somehow along the way, two more children appeared. Probably a result of all that sex... I hear that's the usual way.

Anyway...with kids there have been t-ball and softball games, ballet and tap classes and recitals. There are guitar lessons and also the drums. And with the boys having never shown an interest; I'd managed to escape the label: Soccer Mom.

And then Girl-Child happened:

Saturday was the first game of the season! It was kind of a disaster. Not in an act of God fire and brimstone, flooding and locusts kind of way; but in a lacking in any kind of technique or strategy. And possibly the only time disaster can be described as: awww...cute. The players were a roving mass of yellow and green with flailing limbs situated with shin guards and stylish cleats. Kind of like a giant ball of co-ed yarn with appendages. And ponytails and buzz-cuts.

Here is where I pray: Please Jesus God little girl don't kick my daughter in the face. Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease...aaannnd...please dear Lord, no. Wow nice calves dads...wait, what were we doing? Oh right, praying. Amen.

The temperature outside was such that you would swear you were sitting on planet Mercury. If Mercury had suburbs, tract housing, plastic surgery chain restaurants and a Borders. And a community park perched on a parcel of land with panoramic views of sun bursts the valley below. The opposing team clearly has a better education in weather preparedness than our own. [Please note that weather preparedness can be purchased at Costco in the form of a pop-up tent. Make that two pop-up tents.] My inadequate beach umbrella was no match for the morning sun and what little shade it provided was mine all mine, mine, mine, mine and if I sat just so and curled my feet up under my chair I could avoid catching on fire. I don't think they've yet invented sunscreen that can withstand the heat of reentry.


With five minutes left in the game, Girl-Child volunteered herself for a spot under my umbrella on the bench, because she was, and I quote: "getting to sweaty". She is her mother's daughter.

And by 9pm that evening, she was running a fever of 101.5 which could be one of two things: heat stroke or kindergarten. Both valid suspects but I'm leaning heavily towards kindergarten.

**all photos brought to you by Mr. Farklepants' new girlfriend the Canon 40D. She's a total whore but I kind of like her.