Monday, July 7, 2008

Little Known Facts About Independence Day (Like How to Spell Independence)

This past Friday we celebrated, collectively as a nation, our country's independence. At one point or another in all of our lives as American citizens, we've been introduced to the Declaration of Independence and more than likely were given memorizing the preamble as a school assignment. The Declaration of Independence, drafted by Thomas Jefferson, was really just a "Dear John" letter, written in fancy old school English, letting Britain know that we wanted to break up with them. Not so much in an "it's not you it's me" way as it was "irreconcilable differences". It really all came down to how we were all, "your taxes blow, we don't have appropriate representation in parliament, so bite me". Because of improper early preservation techniques, there is an often overlooked faded subtext on the original copy. Here is what you've been missing:

Proper Celebratory Methods for all Future Independence Day Commemorations ... So Sayeth Yea Founding Fathers

  1. A body of water shall be involved in some capacity, whether it be pool, ocean, river, lake, or slip n' slide.
  2. The outside temperature must be one hundred degrees or more.
  3. Those who've chosen the "river" or "lake" option shall encounter hoards of people who've neither bathed nor located a hair brush for several days in a row.
  4. Fireworks are mandatory. Preferably a legal display put on by a local company with permission to do so. Idiots Everyone else will ignore the several posted warnings that the conditions for fire in the local parks and mountains are EXTREME. Those people are all, feh.
  5. Barbecued tri-tip is the preferred meat. Hamburgers and hot dogs are an acceptable substitute.
  6. Bathing suits are NOT optional when near the aforementioned body of water if small children are present. Also unacceptable is the offensive anterior boob cleavage. For those not in the know or who weren't near the company of lake or river dwellers, that would be the cleavage sneaking out of the bottom of your bikini top. It would behoove these offenders to occasionally set down the bottle of Miller Genuine Draft and do a wardrobe check.
  7. Make at LEAST a three day weekend out of the celebration no matter which day of the week the holiday is being observed.
  8. Purchasing a new mattress or vehicle from a kick-ass 4th of July sale? Optional.
  9. And finally, when seeking accommodations, be steadfast in your search for one that boasts a properly functioning clothes dryer. Settling for one that seems to reach "still mostly damp" as its highest setting when you're trying to tidy up before leaving after a long weekend, will make you a tad cranky and everyone around you shall suffer.
I know what you're thinking. You were not aware of this astounding bit of historical trivia! It may not have been written exactly as above. Like the Constitution that followed it, the faded and little known subtext in the Preamble of the Declaration of Independence was intentionally written in ambiguous language so that it would accommodate societies in the future. My list is an example of a loosely translated historical document.

**No Declaration of Independence was actually used in the creation of this post

19 comments:

Kalynne Pudner said...

And here Nicolas Cage thought the subtext had to do with a hidden treasure.

HRH said...

Thank God there is the optional clause for mattress purchases because many of us missed the President's day sales.

There is something for you over at my place...

standing still said...

It's heartening to know that the founding fathers were concerned about the cleavage. Their wigs apparently were in the right place.

Greta said...

Must be amended to include prohibition on ass cleavage. Otherwise, "true dat" {knucke knocks}

Eve Grey said...

Butting smokes out on the sand and crushing cans of Bud shall also henceforth be prohibited.

Marmarbug said...

Okay there is nothing worse than having to view some old guys or anyone elses for that matter, plumbers crack. Just ew. Cover that up!

mysecondjournal said...

I wasted ALOT of time taking history classes..I could have just waited and asked you.

Next Lesson...can we learn about what really happened at the Boston Tea Party..was it in Boston, was their tea? Were their Indians? Who's side were they on. That you Mrs Farklepants

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

By violating the "involve water" commandment I thought I'd avoid the overexposure of flesh that should not be viewed. But no, there was this girl in the parade . . . My vision is just now beginning to return!

Bunny Bunster said...

But there was no mention of bottle rockets or fire crackers being shot towards my general direction!!
Yeah! That. Was. Fun!

JCK said...

I've been looking for that subtext for YEARS!

I have another one: Make sure one of your children is in stitches so that he can partake in almost ZERO activities that he should choose.

Nap Warden said...

I saw so many things that needed to be put away this weekend. Cover those parts up please!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Your clarification adds to my appreciation of our declaration of independence:)

Colleen said...

Tootsie and the Founding Fathers and Nostradamus are like THIS.

anglophilefootballfantic.com said...

OH MY! You found the original version written by John Adams that got scrapped! Well done.

laughingatchaos said...

Can someone please explain to me why it is so effing impossible to find tri-tip outside of California? Especially if you've already given your left lung for that last tank of gas? Because I loves me some tri-tip!

Jennifer H said...

You should write all future amendments to the Constitution. I think you got your qualifications when you visited Colonial Williamsburg.

tammy said...

Tootsie, did I miss the requirement where small children must ingest vast amounts of candy during parade festivities? In order to ensure much bouncing-off-wall behavior later? If not, perhaps that was added later as a state ammendment.

Swirl Girl said...

Thou must also quoteth a founding father and maketh a mess of an Overture of the 1812ish kind whilst whistling the ditty...be kind to your web footed friends - 'cuz a duck musteth be somebodies mother

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Tootsie bats another one out of the park.