Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Lucite Heels were Suspiciously Absent

A few years ago, while sitting in a nail salon gettin' my pedicure on, I noticed that there were quite a few young girls in attendance with their mothers. When I say young, I mean like five. Getting manis and pedis. It became one of those things that once you notice it, it screams at you every time you see it thereafter. And it was screaming, "Hey Tootsie! Pay attention. Possible business opportunity". So I tossed the idea around in my head about becoming a small business owner that offered turning our local daughters into even more spoiled and pampered princesses because obviously there is a market for that sort of thing around these parts. Then Mr. Farklepants and I had a brief, albeit profound complete with foresight, conversation about how the economy was on the cusp of taking a giant shit and people were going to think twice about that kind of financial waste. The kind where you spend a small fortune to throw paint and cosmetics on your wee child. Or spend five dollars on a cup of coffee. That kind of crisis. So let's not use our house as collateral just yet. And with that, small business idea forgotten.

Someone else took that idea and ran. In several directions. A salon, spa services, and parties for your daughter and her friends. They will leave resembling a 22 year old college student who's dancing her way through paying for her higher education. Like med school. Wearing toe rings, hair extensions, and enough glitter to decorate a disco. Or several hundred macaroni picture frames. Industrial strength glitter designed by NASA that is tough enough to withstand the heat of reentry. In fact, the space shuttle is covered in glitter. Wiki that shit.



Stripper starter kit at an additional cost. Since I adhere to a strict "no glitter" law in my house, this Paris Hilton in a box handy little carrying case and all of its contents accidentally fell into the trash can when I slam dunked it knocked it off the counter.

**note: My daughter did not attend the hoochie mama salon. The bag was given to her by someone who did. I smiled and said "thank you" then got home and said "heeellll no". And also have just broken my own blog rule about blogging about people I know in real life where this admission could hurt that person's feelings. If they read my blog. Which I'm pretty sure they don't.

44 comments:

Threeundertwo said...

Wow. Accidents happen. Maybe you should gift the friend a set of Laura Ingalls Wilder books?

HRH said...

This is where I take a huge sigh of relief with the three boys. I remember my shock. SHOCK. When one of my girlfriends emailed me pictures from her 5 year olds birthday party at one of these places. The cute little girls had been turned into hookers and then the moms took pictures of them and emailed them to me. WHA? But it is very popular here in these parts and the big pink limo full of "party girls on the go" drives by my house all the time.

Madame Queen said...

I mean, I get playing dress up, complete with make up even. But dress up as hookers? No thanks. I want my five year old's head to toe makeover to be tasteful, thank you very much!

I once heard a comedian refer to glitter as the herpes of the craft world -- it just keeps on giving. He was like "Oh no, here comes the sun. I'm gonna have an outbreak!"

Shania said...

Silas has an aversion to glitter. At preschool, they coated each kids hands in glitter and left it. All Day. At the end of the day they showed them how the glitter was everywhere, and then told them thats how germs spread too. Brilliant!

Amy said...

When looking for a kid friendly place for my son's first haircut this weekend I came across a place like this. I couldn't believe it!! I even called my husband over so he could get a good laugh at it too!

standing still said...

Some days I mourn the pesky y chromosome product of my uterus. And, some days I don't.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Don't get me started. Please do not get me started...

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

I see this post strikes a cord with Tootsie. The same cord struck by ridiculous extravagant birthday party venues at willing to take your college savings in one fell swoop. It strikes the same cord with me.

KEEP BELIEVING

Fannie Mae said...

Ah yes, we call it "Hookers R Us" in these parts.

calicobebop said...

When did we start to want our little girls to look like adults? This type of hoochi-mama in a box is in the same category as buying two-year-olds a sweat suit with the word "hottie" on the ass.

I know there is a fine line to cross, because I paint Muffin's fingers and toes all the time. But where is that line? Somebody should draw it in Sharpie.

(climbing off soapbox now)

scargosun said...

Have ya not seen the Libby Lu stores in the mall that do this. I am dumbfounded when kids come into Lottry Yarn looking like tiny hookers.

Susie said...

Now if you wanted to open a tasteful salon that would appeal to both sexes, without the glitter and hooch - I'd totally be your business partner.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I'm wondering what will happen to all the girls my son knows whose parents have been spending a minimum of $150 a month on manis/pedis/hair color/cuts throughout high school when they're on their own. Do mom and dad finance that sh*t forever?

ALF said...

No glitter? I love glitter. Anything sparkly, really. Although these days I prefer the sparkle of a diamond over body glitter.

Colleen said...

"Industrial strength glitter designed by NASA that is tough enough to withstand the heat of reentry. In fact, the space shuttle is covered in glitter. Wiki that shit."

...and there went my coffee and last clean shirt. Thanks for the tough-love to do some laundry.

Madge said...

I have two boys so I am way out of the loop on this one -- except for the fact that HELLO the little hoochie momma's I see around -- that are really, like five, WTF?

mommypie said...

Oh Lord. My four-year-old is ALREADY into clothes, and hair and being "pretty."

I can honestly say it doesn't come from ME. I make a concerted effort NOT to bring attention to those things precisely because I DON'T want her to grow up to be a Hoochie Mama.

Bratz Dolls. Vomit.

Ugh.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Suddenly those tacky orange Dora pajamas that cover every inch of skin except the hands and face aren't looking so tacky.

EatPlayLove said...

See I am the super crazy mom type, I actually have a conversation with my daughter and I paint her nails, at home. She loves it. Then I let her pretend she can paint mine. She gives me one big swipe across my entire foot, I shriek inside, and carefully touch it up.

No need for a salon at 5. Am I a grouch or what?

AGSoccerMom said...

Sorry I am not into the $$$ parties. We do paint nails, at home. If I do a $$ party it's at the bowling alley. The last one we did for her 10th was a camp out in the back yard. NOT ONE OF THEM HAD CAMPED IN THEIR BACK YARD BEFORE. They hot tubbed, had a fire and smore's and slept in a tent. Favors were towels, flash lights, glow sticks and the like.
She was the talk of the school the whole next week. Cheapest party yet.

carmen said...

My girls know full well that they can have manis and pedis when THEY can pay for them. Mommy didn't get them until she was an adult either!

I have a friend who paid (on a regular basis) for her 6th grader to get her eyebrows waxed. Are you kidding me? I gave A1 a good old-fashioned tweezer!

Stu said...

I don't quite understand the 'make my daughter look like a call girl' push lately.

I am OK with a bit of nail polish here and there but no belly shirts, I should not see your ass crack from the top or bottom, I should not see your underwear, and no cleavage.

If your outfit looks like it would go well with a dancer's pole, it is not allowed.

-Stu

Jennifer H said...

I let my daughter get her fingernails and toes painted, but I draw the line there. And no glitter.

Melissa said...

Wow, that's a giant economy size bottle of glitter, huh? I think pretty much everyone in your family could get sparkly with that sucker!

I would have slam dunked it myself!

San Diego Momma said...

The owner of my daughter's preschool just opened one of these places near us.

For the month before her store's grand opening, her staff practiced on the preschool students.

Having my 4-year-old daughter come home with bedazzled nails and ho updo was a freaky and unwelcome surprise.

Swirl Girl said...

I occasionally let my girls get their nails done - in soft colors only. I use it as a ploy for them to SIT STILL for one hour.

I also did a Bday party for my 7 year old at a place where they do up nails and hair and get all cheetaliscious and dance and karaoke. It was good fun for an hour or so...never thought of it as anything more than that.

The goodie bag was picture of the group, a cd of the songs they sang...and a chastity belt.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I remember when "dressing up" and "pampering" meant a dab of Tinkerbell cologne and a swipe of the LipSmackers--cherry flavored, of course. But I'm from the Midwest. We're prudent that way.

Angela Williams Duea said...

Ugh, it just gets worse from there. It's unbelievable what the girls do for high school prom. Maybe you should get a second mortgage.

MamaMo said...

If you want some insight into the power and prevalence of the "Brittany Spears" archetype for girls (or if you just want a good cry), check out The Merchants of Cool (PBS).
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/cool/

Mrs. G. said...

I have to say that all businesses that cater to tarting up little girls make me nauseous.

Marmarbug said...

I know that when I was little we did not have this stuff. And walking through the little girls department of department stores is SCARY! They have mini Britney clothes!!! WTH? What little girl needs a glitter TUBE TOP!!!!

old school mom said...

Speaking of hoochie mamas, how many of you moms let or encourage your daughters to join a dance or cheer group where the tiny little ones are dancing like pole dancers? Yeah, thought so. Apparently someone thinks this activity is okay, I find it disgusting and worthy of a call to child services.

mysecondjournal said...

it pisses me off when I'm trying to get a mani and pedi and in a hurry and I have to wait for a gaggle of tweens...grr..no one cares what their fingers and toes look like..your 10!

Limbic Resonance said...

Wow. Things to look forward to. I also noted at a dance recital that they are not teaching our youth to dance so much as preparing them for future pole dancing gigs. Seriously. You shouldn't choreograph hip shaking before they have hips to shake.

Limbic Resonance said...

Oops. I just now read the other comments...I see someone before me already made this point.

Well, then, I concur! :)

Kristen said...

Thank you so much for visiting me. I freaking love you based on the Tootsie Farklepants alone and then I read this post and I think that if we had met during another lifetime we could have been lovers...

Maybe it's not too late!!!

MAYBE????

Mr. Farklepants said...

kristen: It's never too late!

CarolinaGirl said...

My mother just sent me this blog and thank God she did! I laughed my ass off when I read that last post! I have 4 girls, and I get ya sista! We did have the 6 yr Libby Lu b-day party! I know, too much glitter,too much money, but one very happy little girl! Whaddayado??

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I clicked on the "Someone else" link and then I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Anonymous said...

Carolinagirl - Try saying "no"! It is your responsibility to impart values to your children. If you are letting them run all over you I'd suggest you get some parental counseling. You're the mommy!

Jessie Evans said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
stephanie (bad mom) said...

I took my daughter to LibbyLu in Downtown Disney a few years ago because her friend had gone and it looked so fun! (Her exclamation point). She understood that we would be going for the 'understated Brooke Shields as preteen prostitute' look but when we explained that to the LibbyLu-ers, they were aghast. WHY didn't we want the eye shadow & cream blush & mascara & fuschia lip gloss? Why why why?

Blech.

JoeinVegas said...

I'm more impressed with the princess stores at the malls, where they girls can get their fill of tutus and fairy wings and stuff. That looks so much better.

Mekhismom said...

I love how the bag "accidently" fell in the trash can. I saw this whole idea of child salons on 20/20 I think. But they go too far with it. A little polish and some clear lipgloss I can go with. But glitter, hair pieces, and belly rings???