Thursday, July 10, 2008

The Post Where I Let You Get a Little Intimate With My Ovaries

In the comments of my previous post a couple of readers suggested that I may be pregnant. Well, I'm here to lay those concerns to rest with an emphatic heeeeeellll noooooo. My reproductive plumbing has been capped off. The moment Mr. Farklepants and I learned that my last pregnancy sported a female fetus, and with two boys containing our DNA already running amok in our home, we knew we were done making anymore people even though it is something we do really well.

Quick aside: When I told my mother that I was going for permanent birth control, she...cried. She did her best to talk me out of it using the following arguments: "What if something happens to one of your kids and you want another one?". My rebuttal: "They're not hamsters, Mom, and cannot be replaced". Her follow up: "What if something happens between you and Mr. Farklepants and you meet another man who wants to have children with you?". My rebuttal: "Your faith in my marriage aside, I think if that were to happen, the new pretend husband would be well aware of this before any marriage took place and at my age statistics indicate that he'd already have children of his own AND I DON'T WANT ANY MORE KIDS, capice?" Ahem...

I also would like to go on record as saying that getting your tubes tied? Ain't no big thang. I wanted to have it done right there in the hospital after Girl-Child was born but since it was a Catholic hospital, they do not perform that particular service. [No, we aren't Catholic but ohmygawsh what a fabulous hospital hence our choice to birth all three babies in its glorious labor and delivery suites and there's something about a nun coming by your room to visit you and your new baby that makes you feel like a special snowflake -thank you George Carlin RIP] So three months after her birth, a couple of consultations later and armed with my referral from my doctor, I entered an unassuming red brick building, that on the second Thursday of every month performed tubal ligations [the rest of the days it was simply a women's clinic and on other Thursdays performed other procedures that I'm not fully prepared to debate right now but suffice it to say explains the commonplace architecture as not to draw attention to itself].

It was a veritable we don't want no more babies fortheloveofgod make it stop party up in there. A waiting room full of women, from all walks of life, were called in one by one to disrobe, remove any and all jewelry (I'm looking at you stubborn toe ring), and slip into a fashionable paper ensemble that included a robe, slippers, and a cap. Awesome. We then took our seats in a holding area. We looked like a room full of surgeons at the ready to streak through the operating room as soon as we heard our cue. We were all a bit nervous. Some more than others. It could have been the impending procedure or just simply that it was the first time some of these women had been sitting around naked in front of total strangers with nothing but a thin sheet of paper for cover. Like the spa only with surgical knives, general anesthesia, and resuscitation equipment. Yeah, just like that.

When I finally entered the operating room I was met with what appeared to be a medieval instrument of torture. Alas, it was the table. To be honest, I wasn't quite prepared for the acrobatic position I was going to be put in to make this thing happen -I totally would have stretched first so I wouldn't pull a hammy. I will say that they strap you to it. It tilts back. You're just splayed there. It's kind of an unattractive position but rest assured that you won't care because you'll quickly be completely unconscious. They've got procedures to perform people! No time to make you feel like the queen of England. Leave your demure self at home.

It's laparoscopic surgery. Two eighth of an inch incisions, one above and one below your navel. A little of this, some cauterizing of those, and BADDA BING BADDA BAM! Free to engage in recreational sex at whim. A little mild cramping follows for a day or so but at least I didn't have to sit around with a bag of peas on my crotch or have to have my nuts filleted because just thinking about that makes me wince and I'm not even a dude.

42 comments:

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Still not clear why you went through this instead of your husband! I mean, you already dealt with childbirth - let him have some of the fun.

Although I'm with your mother - I would have cried, too. But what do I know? I'm the nut with 6 kids, who wishes she had more.

Insta-mom said...

We have wonderful, beautiful children, too. We are also totally done making them. After the twins were born, my mother beat me to the punch. I was informed that if we had any more children, she was leaving the country.

I think I wish she would have cried.

hulagirlatheart said...

The day I helped in the church nursery, peeked into a diaper to check it and ran my hand into the poop from hell I knew I was absolutely positively done having babies. I passed my husband the peas.

Madame Queen said...

I was offered the option after Punkin was born but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. And now I SO wish I had.

Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat? said...

Aw sweetie. You're gettin' me all nostalgic for the transvaginal wand.

Manager Mom said...

Philosophically, I have no issues with the tube tying. but since I've been in charge of the birth control for 27 years, I am LOBBYING HARD for Manager Dad to take one for the team this time... I have been informed that the snipping could be my birthday present.

Lucky me.

Bunny Bunster said...

I made my husband take it for the team!! His sick bastard of a doctor had it all planned out to John Mellencamp's song, right when he cut , the song "Hurt So Good" came on!!
Points for Doc!!

jenontheedge said...

I'm with Suburban Correspondent.

18 total months of pregnancy
+
two total days of labor
+
who-knows-how-many stitches
=
one outpatient vasectomy and a bag of frozen peas

HRH said...

I hope your future pretend husband is OK with all this...

I can't believe she said that! OMG. Your mom needs a blog.

I agree with you. I had it done and it was fab....I did add the ala cart uterine lining ablation to the table which is like the dessert that just keeps giving...no monthly friend to hold me back from my active lifestyle. whooo hoooo. Ya, I would be glad to star in the commercial...

Indy said...

I always wondered what it would be like. My husband is begging for the snip snip so I won't have to go through this. But, still good to know and understand. Love the comments from your mom.

Just My Type said...

I had my tubal at 28 during a c-section. Since I had a girl and a boy, the decision was easy. Because it was so simple, I wasn't totally convinced it really even happened, except that I kept reminding my doctor on the OR table. I don't even think I was charged come to think of it.

It was my mother-in-law who cried. I told her I'm done with the pregnancy thing...even when my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th husbands beg me!

One of my girlfriends had a tubal and during the birth of her second child and guess what!?! Yep. She has three.

Marmarbug said...

You are a very nice wife. Hell if I would have done it!!!
I plan on making my husband get the big snip when all is said and done. I had a c-section so it's only fair!!!

standing still said...

There's a whole team of boy/men at our church who joke about the snip. They think they're so rough and tumble as they stand there drinking their coffee and eating bars, joking about their ice packs. Yea. We'll just let them.

Allie said...

All I have to say is that you have a way with words.

Jill said...

I just had a laparoscopy procedure myself a few weeks back - but for the exact opposite reason (trying for #3 and having "issues" as they say... though I digress).

I will agree - it was a fairly non-invasive procedure, though I did have one complaint. Could they not have shaved the itty bitty area where they put on a bandaid over the area where they stitched... seriously? Did they think it would feel good when I pulled it off?

In my defense - I didn't know there would be 3 incision sites - so I clearly didn't take care of business down south beforehand.

laughingatchaos said...

Um, yeah. I watched Tom's snippy snip snip. ;) I saw smoke. I wanted to be SURE. He's funny when he's loopy on valium.

Insane Mama said...

I did it too! and for the same reasons, it didn't hurt me... but cutting a mans testies... seems too weird and I liked him how he was

Jennifer H said...

Well, at least you didn't fall for the "Oh, no, let me" offer from your husband. That he's never followed up on IN 7 YEARS. I so wish I had this done when I was in the hospital with #2.

Madge said...

my tubal ligation was the best thing i ever ever did.

i gave you an award today. your life is complete.

Rachel said...

Love your reasoning to your mom. That's the same argument I've used with everyone who insists that I can't really know I'm done.

We've been flopping and flipping over who should be nipped and tucked so as to prevent further procreation, this is a great 'review' of the experience. Thanks!

Susan said...

A friend of mine had her tubes tied after the birth of her 2nd child, and 10 years later, ended up with a third. Just sayin'.

AGSoccerMom said...

I had my tubal right after my 2nd was born via c-section. I was wide awake and said can you put two bands on each side. Hubby is afraid of needles and I don't want to come back. LOL. They are now in their teens and glad I made that decision.

Kerry said...

We opted for my husband to be fixed and it was perfectly OK with me! I had 2 c-sections and thought it was OK that he did his part too. He thought I was being a big baby - after all it was a c-section and they were "right in there" but my doctor actually talked me out of it reasoning that having a baby was way to emotional and that having the procedure might not be emotionally healthy for me. New to your blog by the way - love it!

Swirl Girl said...

I had a hysterectomy 18 months ago due to watermelon sized fibroids. Never minded the fact that I couldn't have any more kids. Two is plenty (rarely do you see Jewesses with more than 3 anyway)

the best part of the deal is NO MORE VISITS FROM AUNT FLO!!!!!!

Now I can skydive, and jump on trampolines, and ride horses.....and.

Her Bad Mother said...

Not hamsters, heh. But does that mean it's wrong for me to really, really wish that I could keep them on a wheel?

Melissa said...

LOL! My hubby will be having his nuts filleted this weekend. I'm so glad he doesn't read your blog! ;)

Star said...

ah reminds me of my RAY OF SUNSHINE MOTHER. We have a two year old girl. I am 36. When I told her we are ONE AND DONE, she said "what if that one dies?"

OMG!

MamaGeek said...

Nipping and tucking isn't an issue in this house - THANK GAWD. But if it were, I'd vote guy! :)

EatPlayLove said...

of course you had your tubes tied tootsie..you are the perfect wife, packing your hubby's luggage for trips, all the housework, and permanent birth control.

we are still in limbo in that regard..maybe we should rocks/paper/scissors for a tubal or the snip snip. LOL!

Elisa said...

I had my tubes done during the c-section of my last child (I have 4) and we are done. It has been 10 weeks and still waiting for aunt flo....one in 200 ligations fail so I am hoping and praying that I am not "that" one.

Eve Grey said...

Around Month 4 of no sleep after the twins blessed arrival, I told Dr. Dre that if he ever wanted to have sex again, he best be taking care of business. He called & booked the next day. Sex got sooo much better when just for sex's (?) sake. He never regretted it but I kinda did. I think my raging hormones would have created six more babies by now tho, so it's a good thing. Sigh.

Karen said...

I carried and birthed 4 children, the least he could do was have a minor outpatient procedure. Once. And he sooooo did.

Plus I didn't know if I could deal with the physical recovery from it while dealing with the emotional aspect of Micah's birth.

OHmommy said...

Free to engage in recreational sex at whim.

I JUST PEED MY PANTS. I really did.

g said...

wow. I had only one, decided to only have one, but spent 20 years on PC Pills! What a dummy!

Oh well. I've still got all my junk, and it's only now just started to slow down.

merlotmom said...

Oh, no. In this relationship there was never a question (in my mind). After my petite little body expelled two hefty little watermelons, my hubs was definitely gonna take it for the team. It took him two years to get up the courage and I still had to kick his ass into that surgical room. We're living happily ever after now. snip snip. the end.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

A bag of peas for him for a day begets a lifetime of sex without concern of procreation. And no mild cramping for her. That was my thinking.

Melody said...

Had mine done, too. Although I wish I had done like HRH and had the ablation as well. Heck, I wished I had KNOWN about ablation.

My monthly friend is now a beeyotch of the HIGHEST order, and I've been looking into and saving the deductible to get it done SOON.

Of course, hubs also has his done, so the only pregnancy around our house will be an immaculate conception (and possibly grounds for suspicion on his part - LOL!)

Jason said...

"Free to engage in recreational sex at whim."

Isn't that what life's all about?

LaskiGal said...

Can sex with the hubs be recreational? I know they wish it was . . .

And this line cracked me up. . . I'm not sure why, but it did, "we knew we were done making anymore people."

I pictured a people factory and couldn't stop laughing . . .

TLC said...

It truly doesn't hurt? Cause I have had all the pain from that region I am gonna take. Three kids. It's enough. I am thinking that dh is gonna get hisself a V, baby.

In all seriousness, I wanted more kidlings, but my two youngest have autism (higher-functioning, but still delay). The chance of the next one having severe autism was very high.

I am such a chicken. It really doesn't hurt?

T@Send Chocolate

Colleen said...

Yeah, not really sure I want to do the permanent procedure yet. Plus, I'm still working on Justin for a #3...the Operation Token Girl. Wonder if those little unassuming red brick buildings also provide low-cost IUD since my insurance is all "PILL OR PERMANENT!" and my doctor is all "INSURANCE OR $700!"

Bonnie the Boss said...

I am really glad they just did mine during the c-section with my twins. That position doesn't sound like a good time.