Thursday, July 24, 2008

When Good Toiletries Go Bad

Tootsie: There YOU are!!

Caress: What?! Wha...


Tootsie: Stop it! Don't even try.

Caress: Do you have a problem, lady?

Tootsie: Did you think I wouldn't notice? And what are you doing over here anyway? How'd you get out of the shower?

Caress: ...draws circles on the counter with her toe...


Tootsie: You completely changed your scent! You didn't even tell me! This is worse than that crap they massage your legs and feet with at the nail salon.

Caress: Is that bad?

Tootsie: You tell me! I got out of the shower and thought, "What's that smell? Is that flowers? Fruit? Both? GAWD that's HORRIBLE!"

Caress: I didn't think you'd notice.

Tootsie: Not notice?! I smell like I was attacked by Bath and Body! How can I NOT smell it? It's completely invaded my nasal cavities.

Caress: ...sniffle...

Tootsie: Oh stop it. I'm not buying your act. I have to get back in the shower, and I can't even believe I'm about to say this...to disinfect myself with that bar of Dial soap!

Caress: AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa!! The horror.

Tootsie: That's right. And it's all your fault. I'll be dried out and itchy but at least I'll smell like SOAP! BITCH!

Caress: Well, you don't have to resort to name calling.

Tootsie: I'm breaking up with you. Get out. I can't look at you. Sneaky Sneakerstein... AND YOU!!


Secret: What? What the hell did I do? I'm new and just here for the body odor protection services.


Tootsie: I know and I think there's been a mistake.

Secret: How's that?

Tootsie: See, the last time I bought you was in bulk at Costco like a year and a half ago. There were about ten of you.

Secret: Aaaannnd?

Tootsie: Your packaging was different. And it's become very obvious that there is a difference between "Powder" and "Powder Fresh". I like "Powder". You're too floral.

Secret: What's with you and the flowers? You should have been more diligent in your selection before running me across your armpits. Sister.

Tootsie: Indeed. And I'm afraid between you and that lying douche up there that if I add a squirt of perfume to the mix, the chemical makeup will cause me to spontaneously combust. I fear for my safety.

Secret: Overpowering, huh?

Tootsie: You're not kidding. I don't like my scent to announce that I'm about to walk into a room. The combination of you guys is the equivalent to a cowbell.

Secret: Ya know, you're really picky.

Tootsie: Yeah, it's totally not you. It's me. Well, except for her. She's just a liar.

I'm terrified to think of what may have become of my tampons.

49 comments:

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Think what fun you could have with Mr. Farklepants if your tampon starts talking when it is . . . you know . . . up there.

Karen said...

Bwahahaha!

I'm with you on the scented stuff. It has it's place and all, but in summer it just attracts bugs like you can't even imagine.

Manager Mom said...

I will join you in your war against overly scented body products. Just tell me who to send the angry emails to and I'm in!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Oh, no, not the tampons! Please, leave the tampons alone!

Madame Queen said...

Well, if anybody smells THOSE, *I* don't want to know about it! :)

Seriously, I can't stand scented products either. I don't want to be powder, rainforest, tea-tree scented. I just want to smell clean.

hulagirlatheart said...

Who decided all women want their underarms and hoo ha's to smell like a raging lilac? I say make deodorant smell like chocolate. That's a "Dove" product I don't mind rubbing under my armpits.

OHmommy said...

Making mental note:

Buy Tootsie a gift card to Bath and Body Works for her birthday.

Squeaker Sullivan said...

I hate to admit it, but I most definitely prefer the smell of bar soap almost always - it just smells cleaner. Don't get me wrong, I'm a bodywash girl all the way! Just, sometimes, I wish it didn't stink me up so much.

Roya Rose said...

Try Dove Cream oil lotion....nice, light, non floral scent.

Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat? said...

Certain Dri = My new armpit lover

Oliver Rain said...

I'm not even sure what to say...hahahhaha. Toiletries gone bad..

stephanie (bad mom) said...

And on that note, I venture into my shower...[My toiletries tremble]

Amy said...

I agree with you. I don't want to smell like a huge flower but I don't want to smell like a freakin fruit either. Can't they just come up with something in between?!?!? That's not overpowering??

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Stay away from Burt's Bees then. My husband says when I use their face cream, I smell like Jell-O.
Of course he can't keep his nostrils off me, but still.

Lisa Milton said...

They need to stop fixing what isn't broken.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Thank God Ivory soap hasn't changed a whit. I hate new smells. I love your humor, though.

jenontheedge said...

Someone gave me some patchouli-scented soap. You don't even want to know what kinds of conversations we had, but there's a lot of "Dude..." and "Man..." and it's all very laid back and casual.

Steph said...

I'm going to force my husband to read this because he will then understand I am not the only woman out there who spends an hour sniffing every frickin' soap twice before buying it.

Maura said...

Sounds like you're another warrior in the Fight Against Obnoxious Scents. It's like the industry thinks "Unscented" is a dirty word!

Turbo: said...

Hey Tootsie,
If you visit my blog you'll read about yesterday's unfortunate runin with Nair.

Granted, Nair was the problem. It was the applier. Ahem.

The Girl Next Door said...

Could you please come over and have a talk with my hair products - particularly the straightening ones? I am very afraid of them - they are too powerful for me...

Swirl Girl said...

What's with the cosmetics industry anyway? What is their obsession with making everyone smell like Old Lady?

I'd rather rub Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk anywhere and everywhere. Now- that's new and improved for ya!

Stu said...

The Cowbell of scents. There are a few ladies here at work that have the same problem, but I think it it caused by the perfume purchased in 5 gal containers.

Good luck with the Tampon Rebellion of '08. You may want to do a preemptive strike. It worked in Iraq, right?

-Stu

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

You totally need to try Clinique's deo. Unscented. And, it works great.

Mrs. G. said...

I was going to say something funny, but then I read Cheri's comment and knew I couldn't top it.

EatPlayLove said...

uh oh tootsie, the heat is getting to you. I try to keep it to myself when inanimate objects start talking to me.

Lulu said...

I always say "the nose knows."

anymommy said...

Talking to toiletries is totally healthy.

Jennifer H said...

I like to wear perfume, but don't want to layer it over 5 other scents from the shower, lotion, deodorant...

MadWoman said...

I think you'll find your tampons have donned a string of pearls in an attempt to pretty themselves up to match the overly floral scents that Caress and Secret have been trying to get over on you. Don't fall for it. They're not real pearls anyway.

modernsinglemomma said...

I laughed so hard:
"The combination of you guys is the equivalent to a cowbell."

Ever tried tea-tree oil in the nether regions after a shave? Another cowbell.
My boyfriend at the time got so used to the proximity of that smell to having sex that later I learned he was strangely drawn to girls with acne and the scent of zit cream. Oh the power of pavlov's theory and modern day toiletries!

Madge said...

you know when there is more than one word in the description you are in trouble super-green-tea-honey -floral-mint-powder.. blah blah

are men designing this stuff?

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

I refuse to smell like anything edible. EVER.

KEEP BELIEVING

This Mom said...

I just want to smell clean. No Flowers, no fruit, no spice, no sweet just CLEAN. I always check the smell before it goes in the cart. I have been know to throw away a brand new bottle of something if it smells funny on me. I am totally with you girl.

Ashley said...

Hmmm...I like the fruity stuff (although I don't wear perfume with it)...

Funny post! :)

Nap Warden said...

Watch out for the scents...they'll sneak up on ya!

Kristin said...

Man, I hate when my toiletries get mouthy...

Lisa said...

I HATE flower scents. I prefer clean scents. And I HATE it when companies up and change their scents. HAve you ever smelled Cover Girl pressed powder? That is the WORST scent ever. Makes me gag. Hubby wouldnt even kiss me he said it smelled so bad. No wonder it was buy one get one free!

Jason said...

All I know is that tampons make great toys for cats. What do you suppose they say when they're getting pawed around by an aggresive Siamese?

And as for you, little Mrs. Farklepants, you are pure genius and you should be making some serious money with this talent of yours. Either that or give us our daily dose of LOL for free, like you do.

Suzanne said...

Tampons, indeed. I shudder to think...

Immoral Matriarch said...

I was DONE when Secret said "What the hell did I do?"

I had pissed on myself quite enough by then!!

LOL!

This Mom said...

I have been lurking here a while and have just started commenting but I would like to give you a gift. I have it over at my place if you like to visit. thanks for totally make me burst today

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

They're probably in cahoots with the discontinued lipcolors of the world.

Ramona said...

Very Funny! And true....I think that you could make this a one woman show...I'd buy a ticket...great blog!

Smiles ~ Ramona

Stephanie said...

LOVED the witty banter with the bathrooom products. Hilarious.
LOL x gazillion

Auds at Barking Mad said...

My eighteen year old daughter needs to read this. Walking into her bedroom, or her loo downstairs after she's showered and gotten ready for work is like being assaulted with a trident perfume missle. I either stay upstairs or end up with the mother of all headaches. And what's worse, I end up smelling like it.

Seriously, before I hand over the keys to the car we just bought her, I'm making THIS post required reading. I might even make her print it out and carry it with her at all times and post it in her dorm room at college.

dkuroiwa said...

Are you having these conversations often, Tootsie, my dear? I've been known to converse with the contents of my refrigerator..."i think we're all going quietly mad"!!

Do you remember those horribly perfumy smelling tampons in the late 70's (I'm saying "you", but really a collective "you" as I'm thinking you are much younger and may have not needed that product for a few more years!!) Anyway...they were waaaay too smelly and if you had one in your purse, all the girls, at least, knew what was going on...if you know what i mean!!

laughingatchaos said...

Why are tampons with fragrance necessary? I mean, really. Is anyone other than a friendly dog sticking a nose down there?
I just bought new Dove soap today. I think it's going to be a new fruity scent and my hubby is going to kill me. LOL!

Colleen said...

consider yourself warned! those fruity tampons cause fruity breadlike response...