Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.

Titus Livius wrote "Potius sero quam numquam". Translation "Better late than never". So I bring you Friday's advice column five days past its due date. Titus Livius also wrote "Sic deinde, quicumque alius transiliet moenia mea!" Translation: "And so be damned, whomever shall jump over my walls!". So consider your visit today one of those "at your own risk" deal-e-ohs.

Q: The Madame Queen has lack of tanning needs: "I have a problem when I'm out in the sun. For some reason, my legs (particularly my shins and calves) never seem to tan at the same rate as the rest of my body. I've tried all kinds of positions (get your mind out of the gutter!) to maximize sun exposure and nothing seems to work. Self tanners are out b/c once I start to get real sun the fake stuff just looks, well, fake. Help me, Tootsie. Any advice?"

A: Well, since I can't willingly suggest sunbathing or tanning beds because melanoma is the anti-sexy and rumored to be...what's the word I'm looking for?....oh yeah deadly; I suggest getting a spray tan from your local spa. I have never tried this myself but I do have a friend who has a similar issue as you with the whole "my legs won't tan" thing. And the spray tan looks great on her. Not orangey like you'd picture it. It can be pricey though, so perhaps save this technique for special occasions. And my mind was not in the gutter. It was trapped in the pages of the Kamasutra, thankyouverymuch.

Q: Anglophilefootballfanatic is a very patient woman: "You never answered my ?s from two weeks ago. Just sayin'."

A: I cannot find them in my inbox. They are not in my box of rocks. I'd love to answer them for you, Ma'am. Please resubmit, AnglophilefootballFAN.

Q: Standing Still seeks toe shade advice: "Favorite nail color for toes for this summer? And, please, nothing green, or blue, or black. I am older than that trend can handle. Merci!"

A: Okay, I'll answer but only because you said "please" in French. Green, blue, or black should not be on anyone's nails and I don't care what the runways are sporting this season. Hey, if I was a high fashion model and regularly skipped meals resulting in impaired judgment then I'd probably be willing to give it a try. But I'm not. I am a tried and true go with what looks good on you kinda gal. And my favorite colors on me are pinks in neutral tones. I don't really do bright colors. And, in my book, the same rule applies to makeup. Fads can be dangerous. Look how many people suffered with the thong leotard and leg warmers.

Q: Cheri is curious about the men on my street in my life: "Is the neighbor hawt (because he's helpful)? Is Mr. Farklepants hawt (because his comment makes me think he's funny and plays nicely with others)? I already know Tootsie is hawt and she has good taste in clothes."

A: No. The neighbor is not hawt. Nor is he hot, or hott. Nice, yes, but he's not any kind of hot. Yes, Mr. Farklepants is hawt. My opinion may be biased, however. It's not really his appearance that gets me all to wanting to make the sexy time with him, though. It's his sense of humor and his brain. The man is ridiculously smart. He and I have an agreement that his picture is not to be posted on my blog. But he pretty much is a dead ringer for Hugh Grant, but only when Hugh Grant is smiling.

(This is Hugh Grant and not Mr. Farklepants just to be clear)

Q: The Stay at Home Mom Going Quickly Insane seeks blog traffic advice: "I remember when I first started reading your blog, I would go through and read several entries & comment and I would be the only commenter. However you have a meteoric rise to Internet Power and now approximately a fulfillion commenters on each & every entry. Any advice for someone who would like to experience same? And please do not say read more blogs and comment on more blogs. If I read any more blogs my husband is going to feature me on the back of a milk carton. Please tell me there is a magic pill or cream that can give me the same results and that if I call now to order I can get twice as much for the same price only paying for the extra shipping and handling."

A: I wish I knew! I'm consistently amazed and flattered that people take the time out of their busy day to traipse over here and read my silly words. And I DO keep it silly because real life can totally NOT be. It also helps that I have a husband who spends just as much time on his computer as I do mine so he doesn't even realize I'm absent he's not allowed to whine. And I will not say what you asked me not to say. I will let Mrs. G do it because she DID it and very well at that.

*Hugh Grant photo lifted from Google Images


1blueshi1 said...

Note to self: Next time I ask a question, DO NOT FORGET TO TYPE IN ANY WORDS NECESSARY TO THAT SENTENCE lest Tootsie cut and paste and the cringing English major in me be revealed to a vastly large portion of The Internets.
Blog without end, Amen.

Karen said...

The tanning advice is well needed. My arms are nearly Indian-like in their darkness, but my legs look as though they've never seen sun. I wear shorts - really I do!

I'm still waiting for answers as well. How do you keep from going insane when sorting a family of 6's white socks?

Anonymous said...

Thank the good lord that my nail polish hunch has been blessed by Tootsie. Now when I see the middle aged mom sporting the blue toenails I can know: fungus coverage.

Cheri said...

Gosh, thanks for clearing that up Tootsie. Theses questions have been burning in my mind forever. I think smart men are the hottest kind.

I have bad news though. I think your Hugh Grantish husband might be cheating. Here's the evidence.



HRH said...

Your hubby is cute.

I think I have a crush on Titus Livius because of his sense of humor and his brain.

Fun stuff! Merci!

Ann said...

My legs don't tan very well either and it really chaps my ass. Not that my ass tans. And, my face doesn't really tan. So, I have to use self tanner on my face and legs - so I'm ALL kinds of different colors. NOT attractive.

A Mom Two Boys said...

So Sayeth Meghan:
The toes must always be nicely trimmed and polished. Red in winter (November - March) and pink in summer (May - October). And the polish is to be removed immediately upon chipping and re-applied. Or simply touched-up in a dire situation.

JoeinVegas said...

Hay - I liked the thong leotards. Well, anything thongy. (they just feel nice)

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I trust that Mr. Farklepants does not have some of Hugh's less appealing characteristics?

Jennifer H said...

I needed that tanning help.

Hugh is dreamy.

Undomestic Diva said...

Spray tanning is OK... if you like to feel tacky for a day or two after. (I prefer just to ACT tacky, not feel like it.)

And, um, ouch. I just changed my nails from black to purple. Dark purple. (And if you like your purple dark, paint your nails black first and do a coat of purple over.)

Look me all beauty queen-ish.

(Yeah. Closer to drag queen than beauty queen, but hey, no one has to know that.)

Marmarbug said...

I TOTALLY agree on the nail polish. I think black is kinda creepy and back in the day when I was in high school only the grunges wore it.

And the spray tan? Totally works. I prefer to try and get cancer and lay in the sun/tanning bed.
I'm not perfect. I could be an alcoholic but I figure eh tanning is better.
Also if you got to some salons you can get a monthly membership and get a spray tan once a week for about 25 bucks a months. said...

Really? The 2nd sending didn't come thru either? I'm just all kinds of sad.

Mr. Farklepants said...

Hugh Grant??? Come on..!! I think I am going to be sick. I look nothing like Hugh Grant.

You all want the truth about why TF keeps me around?

I am not hot at all. But you know how some guys buy a big pickup truck and then lift it 35 inches and put giant tires on it? And you know WHY they do that?

Well, I drive a Honda Civic with skinny little tires. Figure it out.

Tootsie is no fool.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Well, well, well, look at Mr. Farklepants gettin' BIGGIE with it!

If you do the spray tanning thing, I'm thinking you want to make sure to get a recommendation, because poor TwentyFourAtHeart seemed to have a crazy experience with hers.

Anonymous said...

So, does Mr. F speak with a British accent? Because if so, I'll REALLY have to be green with envy, Ms. F.

I love a man that can pull off "sod off, bloody wanker" in conversation.

Ya... About That said...

Ahem - I think red is totally appropriate in summer too - just not like FMP red, but a nice cherry red can make a (fake) tan look pretty.

And yay big Mr. Farklepants! You little randy sheila, you, Tootsie!

JCK said...

I never knew that Titus Livius had such good sound bites! And, Mr. Farklepants...I mean Hugh, looks tasty, too!

THE MOM BOMB said...

I'm hoping chipped, six-month-old toenail polish will be in this summer. Call it "trailer trash" chic.

I need me a pedicure.

The Girl Next Door said...

My brother totally looks like Hugh grant - scarily so -(and can do the perfect accent), so that kills it for me.

And you Go Mr. F - great to see that wit runs in the family!

Mrs. G. said...

OK, due to all your positive advice regarding self tanners I am thinking of giving them another chance. But I must know before I spend the $$ that their smell has improved. I tried several years back and their smells made me gag-always some funky undertone.

Tricia said...

Does Mr. Farklepants get advance notice of your posts so he has time to craft an answer, or is he really this funny off the cuff?

Lulu said...

Mr. Farklepants in hawt! You should actually run his real photo through the celebrity face recognition thingie:

Mr. Farklepants said...

I get no advance notice or insight into the posts. I usually don't even read them until the following morning.

I guess I am just that witty ;)

I still don't look like Hugh Grant though, but if imagining me as HG gets TF through the day, well that's just fine with me.

Colleen said...

no need for bias if Mr. Farklepants looks like Hugh Grant...yummy!

and is Mr. Farklepants trying to insinuate that he has a superior wang? just askin'.