Friday, April 11, 2008

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.

Vintage Thirty would like to apologize for the tardiness of today's edition. The editor fell asleep on her new couch last night, woke, wiped the drool from her chin, went to bed and then overslept. Tootsie has been put on notice but hasn't made it to the "dead to us" list. Yet. She has indicated that she's sorry but we're not so sure if we believe her.

Q: Joeprah asks the "Oh Lawdy it's a Man" question of the day: "Any advice for the men out there struggling with fashion?"

A: Yes! Ask women. Or? Watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Because, seriously? I'm a little bit in love with Carson myself. I totally want to be his BFF, go shopping, and hell, let him make me over! Also? Be more specific. "Struggling with fashion" is a very broad statement. And here's an example of something I witnessed the other day and should be made public so that it can be addressed: the only thing worse than a woman wearing "mom jeans"? Is a man. In mom jeans. With his shirt tucked in. And a belt. The sight rendered my corneas almost entirely useless. Also to be avoided: Parachute pants ala MC Hammer.

Q: Angie at KEEP BELIEVING would like to know: "I have box-shaped feet. They are a size 5 or 5-1/2 wide with high arches. I hate paying a ton for shoes, but have so few options for cute shoes. I am trying to change from frump-mom-in-sweats look to slightly-stylish-yet-not-overdone-and-comfortable-but-still-drives-a-mini-van look. Besides too many hyphens in my make-over attempt, shoes are a HUGE obstacles. Any suggestions."

A: First of all, admitting that there is a problem is a step in the right direction. So kudos to your hyphenated make over! Secondly, do you live in OZ? Fraggle Rock? Size five to five and a half? The hell? Are you that traveling gnome? What are you, twelve? Does it make me feel better that my shoe size is twice that of yours? No. No it doesn't. Buy some cute shoes in "wide" and consult some Dr. Scholls inserts so you can be gellin'. They're gellerific!

Q: Laughingatchaos and The Stay at Home Mom Going Quickly Insane each have skin care questions: "any other skin care recommendations? Please oh please?" and "what type of eye cream do you use/recommend?"

A: I can't even make jokes about skin care. Recommendations: wash your face every night even if you aren't wearing makeup. Moisturize! Moisture is your friend. Get intimate with it. Stick your tongue in its ear. Use sunscreen and don't forget your chest and hands! The poor neglected things. Eye cream? Garnier Nutritioniste Ultra-Lift anti-wrinkle firming eye cream. I've used some that tend to pull the skin too tight and, in my opinion, end up making the skin in that area more susceptible to creasing. I use this in the morning before applying my makeup and also at night. Although, after meeting BOSSY, I'm curious what she keeps in her medicine cabinet.

Q: Jess at Zoe asks the serious questions via email : "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? My second question is: What exactly is this "chucking" of wood that seems to be going on? Is he throwing the wood, or is "chuck" a cleverly disguised description of something dirty that the woodchuck is doing to the wood. Why does the woodchuck chuck wood? What does he do with it after he chucks it? What IS a woodchuck exactly? I have a feeling it's a fancy term for beaver but I'm just not sure and the questions are keeping me awake at night."

A: The answer to your first question is as much as he damn well pleases. 2) The "chucking" is just a variant of "Charlesing". 3) He would never throw his wood. Fondle, yes. Throw, no. 4) Because he can. 5) You don't want to know but it involves a gym sock that's kept under his bed. 6) It's a groundhog. Also known as a "whistlepig" or a "land beaver" who I'm guessing prefers to be a dry beaver rather than the wet variety. I wonder if Massengill has a product for that?

Q: Colleen at Wine Please asks OCD laundry Tootsie: "do you have any good tips on how to do laundry more efficiently?"

A: Doing laundry can be like picking up dog poop. If you do a little bit every day it doesn't get out of hand. I actually like doing laundry because there is something seriously wrong with me.

Q: Holly from Anglophilefootballfanatic asks on behalf of Mr. AFF's head: "men hair styles? Why does my spouse think Pat Riley hair is stylish? For 13 years I've been trying to "do something" with his hair. Any suggestions? "

A: I'm a big advocate of people wearing their hair the way they feel comfortable. However, if you substitute the name "Pat Riley" with "Donald Trump" then an intervention is in order. Consult friends and family. And perhaps clergy. And Jose Eber.


Angie said...

I think I may have some distant cousins in Fraggle - on my mom's side. She is one of 7 girls, the tallest of which is 5'4-1/2, the shortest of which is my mom, the shorter of the two of us is me. My hubby swears by gels. I just can't get past the ridiculous commercials. For the sake of comfort and style, I will do my best.

Thanks for elaboration on woodchucks. While I cannot say the questions keep me up at night, that stupid tongue twister will now keep me up tonight repeating itself in my overloaded brain.


Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I'm so glad somebody was finally able to answer the Woodchuck questions. They have haunted my sleep for years. Thanks to you, Tootsie, I may finally be able to get a good nights sleep.

HRH said...

Who knew Angie was a gnome? My feet are twice her size too.

Thank God you shed light on the woodchuck. I am going to have to go back and watch Groundhog day (again and again) to see exactly where the wood fit in.

If you have a chance, I have the following question: Why does my dog always pee on the patio when there is perfectly good lawn on which to relieve herself?

Thanks Tootsie, as always this was a highlight of the week. I am still laughing...

JCK said...

I'm still trying to get over the drool on the new couch...Oh, oh...yes, thanks for solving the wood chuck conundrum. Has been bothering me for years.

Cheri said...

You had me at "a man. In mom jeans." BWAHAHAHAHA! And the traveing gnome! And the gym sock under the bed! Oh my!

Tootsie, you are so damn funny and so damn lovely -- I have decided that you need a talk show! Too bad I am a nobody with no connections at all.

Thanks for the big smile. I needed that!

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

My God! That was priceless! Have you seen Pat Riley's hair? I still think Puppy needs a new 'do. Using dippity doo as a man is WRONG.

Colleen said...

thanks! that's actually my do a little bit every day (or every other), but um, by 9pm I get lazy...maybe if I throw a load in before bed and just put it in the dryer before work...then I'll be folding at 9pm instead of waiting until 11pm to fold.

OHmommy said...

DUDE. I was at Target today and could not think of the anti-wrinkle cream you talked about last night.

How come Target doesn't have free internet access?

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I think we may be soul mates. I generally do 2 loads of laundry by 8 a.m. each day.

phd in yogurtry said...

Just gotta say, my tween son dressed up for halloween as a lady in mom jeans. and he looked mahvelous. The frightening part? They were my jeans and he looked way better than me : 0

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Holy Cow! Thanks for introducing me to Joeprah; I went to his sight and got lost for 30 minutes!

Your site is great!

Jason said...

Oh my God, you're hysterical!

"Stick your tongue in its ear."

The "chucking" is just a variant of "Charlesing".

I could just copy and paste the whole darn post.

Wit to match the beauty. Nice.

1blueshi1 said...

Rock on with the sunscreen, my dahlin'. I keep Clinique Super City Block SPF 40 next to my toothbrush and it goes on my face and chest before they ever see the light of day when I leave for work. I also keep one of those baby sunscreen sticks in the car to apply to the backs of my hands in the AM on the way to work and periodically throughout the day when I have to move my damn car ever closer to the workplace because they are too f#cking cheap to expand our parking...GAH. But suncreen. Lots and lots of suncreen. Mine assures me that it does like a little tongue in it's ear.

Jennifer H said...

Ohh, the Dad Jeans. Not a good look.

When my kids ask me about the woodchuck, now I have an answer. For when they turn 35.

stephanie said...

The woodchuck stuff - priceless. I'm cringing and laughing, good times.

You are, indeed, amazing. I feel like I should hate you for that.


Joeprah said...

I suppose after reading your comment that I may not be struggling too much after all...well, my friends don't tell me I look bad sooo, I guess I need an impartial judge huh? LOL.