Friday, May 30, 2008

Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Since I had nary a submitted question to answer, I revert to everyone's favorite brand of advice: Unsolicited. The following pictures are from the first 30 or so pages of my recent issue of Allure Magazine. It would appear as though the marketing directors got together and had a little meeting about what is so hot right now. And the memo said: Green.

Totally want this shirt from H&M even if just to wear around the house.


I prefer the Matrix Sleek Look line but then it doesn't come in green.

I totally thought that Zeno wanted to be an iPod when it grew up but upon closer inspection it would appear that I was completely off with regards to its purpose; unless iPods are used for pimple treatments (note to self: consult teenager and conduct study. Seek grant). The photo opposite the zit zapper thingy is an ad for O.P.I. nail polish. Which every time I see makes me want to hang out in Mayberry with little Ronnie Howard, eating Aunt Bea's pies, and congregating with town drunks in a cozy jail cell I mean who doesn't.



Be delicious? Who is this supposed to appeal to? People who want to be consumed? By what? Circus bears? The SNL land shark? Oh wait, other humans. I think I'll pass on being delicious and just demand that DKNY promise that their perfume will make me be that model.


(Not really in the magazine):


My eyes!! OHMYEFFINGGOD My bleeding eyes! Make this stop! The color! The length! The fabric! What are they supposed to be? Shorts? Pants? Knickers? Completely and utterly hideously unattractive? Because they totally nailed that last option. JC Penny? Your white sales will not make up for this. Please knock it off.

Green...blah...blah... St. Ives...green... nature.

Pure & Natural...blah...blahh...green...pure....green....natural.

Burts Bees...blahh...blahhhh....take a bath in a creek...blahh...green.

Biore...blahhhh....blahhhhh...triple action...with a green bow....

What is happening here is a subtle case of desensitization of the masses. Overuse of the message to "go green" in scenarios that it doesn't apply distracts from those whose message serves a real purpose. Conserve energy. Be water wise. Recycle. Don't be a litter bug. Clean air. Elevated methane levels brought on by the need to fuel our mass burger consumption. ETCETERA.

Subliminal "go green" messages in ads for nail polish, acne cream, and perfume? You are guilty of coat tail riding and are doing a disservice to the cause. So please stop it.

************************

Speaking of green sort of: Last night my neighbor arrived home to find me beating his tree with an extremely long paint roller handle extender pole [there's got to be a shorter name for that we'll call it a stick], like it was 11:59pm on Cinco de Mayo and it was the last piƱata in a 50 mile radius.

Me: (sheepish) uhhh...hi.
Him: ....... (slow smile)
Me: I've got a rocket** stuck in your tree. that's what she said
Him: Need some help? smooth
Me: How you doin' Sure! sultry approach
Him: It's really stuck in there.
Me: ....
Him: Let me hit it from another angle
Me: Say my name! I did manage to get the shoe down.
Him: I think I got it!
Me: a little to the left One more should do it!
Him: I got it!

Then he ducked when my rocket fell towards his face. I will leave you with that image.

**Boy-Child#2 has one of those Air Hog rockets which got stuck in the highest branches of the tree. Along with his shoe that he threw at it. All very innocent yet awkward.

37 comments:

Kalynne Pudner said...

Three discrete thoughts:

(1) That J.C. Penney number would be smashing in green, though, don't you think?

(2) Hurray for Kermit! Don't forget the Incredible Hulk. And the Jolly Green Giant...Wicked Witch of the West...Jiminy Cricket...

(3) Your rocket anecdote gives fresh (ha!) meaning to the term "tree-hugger."

dkuroiwa said...

Is the O.P.I. model wearing the shirt from H&M?? That sandwich looks yummingly delicious...but, is it sitting on a green towel or just a HUGE piece of lettuce??
Love Kermie...
I also love that you can make a seemingly innocent near-midnight rendevous in the yard sound almost....sexy. (Shame you didn't have that green shirt!!)

Madame Queen said...

Do you know what I notice about the first 30 pages of Allure (besides all the green -- WTH?)? ADS! All ads. It's the same in men's mags and it drives me nuts.

Okay, here's a question for next week. I have a problem when I'm out in the sun. For some reason, my legs (particularly my shins and calves) never seem to tan at the same rate as the rest of my body. I've tried all kinds of positions (get your mind out of the gutter!) to maximize sun exposure and nothing seems to work. Self tanners are out b/c once I start to get real sun the fake stuff just looks, well, fake. Help me, Tootsie. Any advice?

Caution said...

I guess I am old before my time (okay, not too much before my time), but I thought the JC Penney thingie was okay. Then again, I am quite jiggly and neon white, so maybe I should just stay in bed all day.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Totally been there, done that with the tree thing.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

You never answered my ?s from two weeks ago. Just sayin'.

And, I love me some OG. He's such a stud.

The neighbor must be used to you by now?

Melissa said...

I'm glad I live in the sticks where no one can see me doing weird things--birds and bugs and the occasional rabbit don't make me feel sheepish;)

I applaud you--Green means LESS not MORE and those ads that try to sell products under the guise of "good for nature/good for you" are just exploitative. Well said--and well displayed.

I also don't understand the apple perfume ad or who the F*** is responsible for designing clothes for JC Penny.

Sue said...

Those are some strategically placed apples in that Be Delicious ad!

And someone should tell the Dreyers ice cream people about this green thing because they really should be putting MORE ice cream in a container instead of less. More trash, you know. They could even make the container green if that makes everyone feel better.

JoeinVegas said...

You deserve the H&M shirt, go get it. And yes, even if it's for just around the house, you are worth it. (keep repeating . . .)

Greta said...

Ok, I totally have those purple pants in blue. What are you trying to say? :)

Ann said...

WOW - that is some serious green overload, I feel like green just puked on me.

JC Penney - awful - but have you seen the new MANPRIs? Horrid. A capri for men and I'm just not ready. I mean, maybe if I lived in Italy on the Amalfi coast and was married to a hot Italian, but I'm not.

Black is still the new black and I'm sticking to it. :)

Mr. Farklepants said...

You should have invited him to launch the rocket after he rescued it. If for no other reason than a chance to get the metaphor the right 'round.

Who knows where it might have landed?

In the neatly trimmed bushes in our front yard?

..or even in the backyard? :o

Oh the possibilities! :)

stu said...

"Let me hit it from another angle"

I thought you and Mr. Farklepants already had a complaint from the Homeowner's Assoc for just this sort of thing...

-Stu

RubiaLala said...

LOVE the story in the tree. OMG, I really laughed hard. Thank you for that.

scargosun said...

Right after reading this I went to get my lunch and that SAME H&M top was on the back of Metro, the free Philadelphia paper they have at the mass transit stations.

JCK said...

Doesn't sound ALL that innocent to me, LADY! Especially ducking for falling rockets.

Hysterical take on the green ads. And I'll join you in Mayberry. Maybe my kids will behave like Opie.

standing still said...

Question for next week: Favorite nail color for toes for this summer? And, please, nothing green, or blue, or black. I am older than that trend can handle. Merci!

Jennifer H said...

After reading his comment, I declare now that Mr. Farklepants is the coolest husband ever.

katydidnot said...

his shoe too? awesome.

ALF said...

You don't like bermuda shorts? Isn't that what those are in the JCPenney add? I LOVE that length.

Karen said...

It IS all about going green. Didn't you get the memo?

Mrs. G. said...

"Shorts? Pants? Knickers?" Thank you for articulating my current fashion frustration. What is going on in the shorts' world?

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Very nice use of the "that's what she said".

Suzanne said...

Rawr! That was totally saucy and Cinemax-ish until I read the explanation.

(ps, my favorite color is green... but I totally don't recycle.)

2 Kids 3 Martinis said...

I need to get my kids one of those air hog thingies...like, yesterday. I needs me some hot neighbor-on-neighbor action up in he-ah! Thanks for the idea, Tootsie!

EatPlayLove said...

I agree with you completely, I think my favorite part about all the subliminal green advertising is that the majority of the ads are for Chemicals, which is the total antithesis of being green.

Try some essential oils, see how you lure the opposite sex in...

Manager Mom said...

The whole time I was reading about your shoe in the tree I just kept hearing, "bawm CHICKA bawm bawm..." porny music in my head...

Cheri said...

Question for next week: Is the neighbor hawt (because he's helpful)? Is Mr. Farklepants hawt (because his comment makes me think he's funny and plays nicely with others)? I already know Tootsie is hawt and she has good taste in clothes.

Mr. Farklepants said...

Cheri, If I was hot, do you think Tootsie would be playing with the neighbors tree while I'm at work?

...or letting Tong ring her up on Wednesday afternoons? He's about 5 foot negative 2 btw, so one must assume he's making up for the missing inches elsewhere. Let's give Tootsie some credit!

At least the kids think I am cool... well they do at the moment anyway.. I came home with a Wii last night.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

I'm imagining your home is on Wisteria Lane. And that your neighbor looks like John the Gardener. I hope you were wearing something like that H & M shirt and the O.P.I. nail polish, just to complete the scandalous nature of the incident...

Minnesota Matron said...

You're so right about the green thing and the (ahem) clothes from JC Penny's. Wow. Were they trying to make us queasy? Worked on this newly green girl.

pogonip said...

It's like Oregon--my eyes bleed green while I'm there. It's awful!
On the other hand of The Color Green, it's so nice to have gone from a (insert derogatory sneer here) tree-hugger to a gal to bikes to work and gets Green kudoes.
p.s.Thanks for the Land-Shark memories.

OHmommy said...

Green is the new black.

Or was it that...

Bitch is the new black?

I dunno. I can't keep up!

1blueshi1 said...

and have you noticed how Radiant, not content to be the beauty buzzword for our skin & hair for the past several years, has now been scarfed up by the advertisers as well? Now our LAUNDRY and TEETH can be Radiant, too!
I mean, honestly, have you ever looked at anyone (with the possible exception of George Clooney) and thought to yourself, "MY GOD THOSE ARE SOME RADIANT TEETH!!!"
White, yes. Healthy, yes. Perhaps even strong. BUT NOT RADIANT.

MommyTime said...

The rocket story is incredible~ Love it.

Did you know that there are actually people who make a career out of being *color forecasters*? I kid you not. Their whole job is to figure out what will be the next big shade in the coming season so that the ad designers, and clothing people, and everyone else who wants to be hip and in fashion is sure to produce plates, skirts, belts, handbags, print ads, and billboards in "bubblegum icecream pink" or "appletini green" or whatever. It's surely a chicken/egg thing, but I swear to you that this is a for-real job. It took me approximately 3 Google seconds to find this posting, for example, http://ju2.4jobs.com/job.asp?id=15108221 which is just one of the many available, if you are interested in a new and scintillating career.

HRH said...

Is that Penney's outfit shiney? Like mid-90s fabric shiney?

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Allure is trying to make me green with envy, aren't they. Hmph.

BTW, you totally need a little blurb in your sidebar mentioning how to submit a question. And maybe listing some your finer advice moments. Just sayin'.