Broken Wind In Aisle Five

A family of circus folk four shopped along side me at my local grocery store yesterday. At first glance they appeared like any other family comprised of a few boys in what appeared to be varying ages of ten to fourteen. And the mother. Perhaps this was their first time shopping in a public place. Their volume was set at maximum. In case you needed to know which part of the establishment they were located. Heed the warning signals. They were forceful (i.e. push past you in the aisle with their cart. Literally). They were oblivious to other shoppers and blocked any aisle they were in. Do not stand there and wait for them to veer left or right as a courtesy. They will not. They used colorful vocabulary. And not just the mother. They were gassy. That's right. One of them farted. Audibly. And with much bravado. Then one of them announced its arrival. Just in case you weren't within a ten mile radius to hear it clear as a bell. I took this moment to stop, smile, and ponder that the youth are our future. When it came to check out time, because I am me, I roll up behind them. We're apparently keeping the same schedule. The mother makes eye contact with me; and like I do anytime someone holds my gaze that uncomfortable fraction of a second longer than is necessary, I smiled. She did not. Not only did she not smile, she looked at me as if I had just told her that her mama is so ugly, American Express left home without her. The fifteen year old Tootsie in me said "oh no you di'n't". The practical thirty six year old Tootsie grounded the fifteen year old and reminded me that reconstructive cosmetic surgery is pricey and 'you're still waiting for that new couch, Missy!'. This woman looked like she could take me. She looked like she probably had a fight at lunch earlier. She looks like fighting is her hobby. So I averted my eyes. And let her have her moment.

And on a totally unrelated note, when did Target enact this new law that they will only allow two returns or exchanges that are not accompanied by a receipt, per year, per person? I finally get my lazy ass over there to do exactly this with the duplicate Christmas gifts my children received only to be thwarted by Miss Sassy Pants behind the counter. I had four items. And I was shit out of luck. But guess what her solution was? I could recruit, enlist, and after bootcamp humiliatingly ask a friend or relative to give up one or more of their alloted two receiptless returns/exchanges, if they were so willing. "But then they are equally shit out of luck when and if they find themselves in need of a return/exchange and sans receipt, no?" I so pointedly observe. "Correct. This is why we give everyone a gift receipt when the purchase is made and we would expect they would give it to the recipient" she confirmed. This was the end of the discussion for her and she moved on, "Which two items would you like to return?" she said with a bit of an at-tit-tude (this must be said with pursed lips and nose turned up). Oh. It's gonna be like that then. Okay, "Well how about this Hungry Hungry Hippos game that is missing 2 of the 4 pieces needed and 2 additional pieces of this part right here. This game is completely useless to me at all so lets just get rid of that one. And I guess the 'Who's Smarter Than A Fifth Grader' game because really, there is only so much Foxworthy one can take". I didn't think that there could be something about Target that I didn't like. But this is a bit much. I mean, get real. And the humdinger? When I made my purchase of some replacement towels for the set that my sister in law just received for Christmas and that my Proactiv face cleanser destroyed, I had to ASK for a gift receipt but was not offered one. So I guess Miss Sassy Pants' declaration that they give everyone a gift receipt is a loosely based random policy at best.