Downgraded To Two Cans And A String

So, Mr. Farklepants finally broke down and got himself a Crackberry. In his defense, he's one of those people whose job kind of necessitates such a purchase. The problem, however, is that the service provider is not the one we're currently using which means...I have to get a new phone. Before you start shouting your 'way to go's' and 'whoo-hoo's'; just hold on. I do not like change. I am not a 'change embracer', if you will. I've grown attached to the things that I've mastered and fear learning new technology. As a 'for instance' I fought tooth and nail at this newfangled 'online bill paying system'. Why would I part with handwriting checks and mailing them in late because I keep forgetting to buy stamps? Who would do that? Once I finally took the plunge into the "things that are more convenient" pool; I don't know how I ever lived without it and I can't remember the last time I wrote a check. My experience with my soon to be former Razor cell phone was similar. It takes pictures? Why would I want to do that? It's a phone. I just want to call people and visa versa. What do you mean "ring tone"? What's a "ring tone"? Oh. I guess I just want it sound like a phone that rings. I don't need it to tell me or anyone else that you wish your girlfriend was hot like me. Or that I'm Fergalicious. I'm also? Not sixteen. So just make my damn phone sound like a ringing phone. Thanks.

After researching options and checking past bills for our minute usage; it was discovered that I use, on average, 8 minutes per month. Yep. I may look and live the life that is the epitome of a "soccer mom", but I am not doing it with a cell phone attached to my SUV driving ear. - And the world breaths a collective sigh of relief - So I meet Mr. Farklepants at the new cell phone store to see all of the inventory that...I can't have. Why? Because he's already determined that the most cost efficient plan for us is the prepaid phone, considering my complete lack of usage. Which is like dragging me down to the Mercedes dealership and pointing to the used Pinto and saying "Here's the keys!". And really. This isn't a bad analogy either because buying a new cell phone is much like buying a car. There's wheeling and dealing. Discussing options. Packages. You're there for HOURS. Talking to their manager. Storming out and head exploding. Okay. Maybe no to the storming out but yes to the head exploding. By the end of the day I will be trying to navigate the features of my new Ford Pinto:

It doesn't take pictures but I'm cool with that because IT'S A PHONE! Call me at 1-NOT-MYR-EAL#. We'll tawk.