Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Amidst the Cacaphony an Aging Wannabe Jock Expects Very Important Call. Probably From His Mommy

We attended Boy-Child#2's softball game Saturday morning where our Dodgers played another team. A team with an obnoxious crew of coaches and assistant coaches. I don't want to say the name of this team out loud but let's just say it rhymes with Wan Biego Fadres (fee-fi-mo-Madres). This is boys softball through the local parks and recreation. Meaning: for fun. We intentionally didn't put our son in the hard core league and one major reason for that was to avoid exactly these kinds of adults. The adults who take it all a little too seriously. The adults who are reliving their glory days as a mediocre baseball player from high school PE class who didn't quite measure up for the actual Varsity team. Those guys. Their mouths? Never stopped moving. A constant barrage from 3rd base, 1st base, and the dugout of: Wait for it. Make it your ball. Not up here. At your chest. Take a couple steps toward the plate. Take a step back toward the catcher. Put your weight on that back foot. Loosen up. Take a couple practice swings. [as the pitch is in motion] Hit it! Don't hit that! (come on people we're talking about kids softball don't let your mind go there like mine just did) And my personal favorite: Don't worry about hitting the catcher (my son, thanks for asking) he'll get out of the way. Editor's note: You better hope he does.


(PSA: take practice swings away from catcher's head or risk facing the business end of my can of whoop-ass. It is epic. That is all.)

I'm not even kidding when I say that they. did. not. stop. EVER. This constant coaching is what practice is for. Now is game day. Let them show you what they can do.

As Mr. Farklepants has noted on more than one occasion (usually because I tend to give too much instruction to our son before he's up to bat), if the parents would just shut up and let the kids play it would take most of the pressure off of them. Because they're under enough of a burden just being out there in front of all of us in attendance. So says our very scientific study. A study we like to call: Parenthood.

P.S. The head coach of the Wan Biego Fadres (fee-fi-mo-Madres) wore a BlueTooth throughout the entire game. Which, according to Mr. Farklepants' keen eye, elevates him to a new level of douchebaggery.

41 comments:

Cheri said...

"douchebaggery" Brilliant. I shall steal that someday soon and pretend I thought of it. I like stealing.

A BlueTooth? Really? He must be Important.

Manager Mom said...

OK - I was innocently enjoying this whole kid sports post, because I live a parallel existence with soccer as the sport of choice.

But THEN, you kicked it up a notch by using my FAVORITE insult ever (that would be "douchebag", perfectly conjugated and so expertly applied!

thanks for the good morning fun.

Robin said...

Delurking to say that I just added your blog to my reader. You had me at douchebaggery. I saw it and fell in love. (In a perfectly reasonable non-scarystalkerish sort of way.)

dkuroiwa said...

And for this main reason I am oh so very happy my oldest is not "into" sports at all....would hate to have to bring out my OWN Japanese Mama "can of whoop-ass" into the equation!

And the blue tooth...are you serious? This is the probably the same guy that is in the stands in Pro football/baseball/basketball season with his buds...shirts off, bellies and chests painted with letters spelling out the team name!!! Rah Rah!!

Karen said...

He did not wear his bluetooth during a kid's softball game? Douchebaggery indeed!
So far we've been extremely lucky with our daughter's coaches. But we have many times been competing against "that team" and gracious is it annoying! I feel for ya sista!

Madame Queen said...

Wearing a bluetooth during your son's softball game makes you King of the Douchebags, it think. Geez, I'd hate to see his crown.

calicobebop said...

Bluetooth? Really? He can't become disconnected from his all-too-important life and dediciate some undivided attention to his team? I hope he's budgeted for the future therapy lessons.

OHmommy said...

douchebaggery.... killed me. Im wearing tiny running shorts this morning and burned my thigh with my Earl Grey, from laughing so flipping hard.

BTW. Your picture from yesterday's camera. Will you let us know the make of the camera that makes you look skinny. I could have used it for taking pictures of my thighs today. ;)

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Maybe he was waiting for some important coaching advice from a pro? Since it was such a hugely important game and all.

I know I asked before, but is it really softball--underhand pitch and everything--or is it rec baseball? I only ask because I'm totally neurotic and I've heard of men's and girl's softball, but never boys.

g said...

kudos on the "douchbaggery" coinage!

And the bluetooth - jeez, I think some people think they're jewelry.

When My Son was that age he played in the Rustic Canyon Little League, just down the hill from Pacific Palisades. The Palisades Little League was known as the "pros"; Rustic Canyon was where you went if you were ready for the next step after the Topanga T-ball league, known for dogs-wearing-bandannas running on the field, giving the kid 5 outs because "it just isn't fair" and other hippie nonsense.

But the nice thing about Rustic Canyon league was that all the parents cheered anytime a kid did well, not just your team, but the other team as well.

Allie said...

Wearing a bluetooth headset anytime other than when you're talking to someone is most definitely "douchebaggery." High five to you Mr. Farklepants.

caution said...

Hey! I know that other coach. He doubles as my son's AYSO coach here in Michigan. Coincidence? I think not!

THE MOM BOMB said...

Thank God my kids are klutzes. I think I'd have to clock BlueTooth in the head.

Super B's Mom said...

This post has me cracking up. We haven't even made it through t-ball yet and already I've seen my share of IDIOT parents who need to just leave their kids alone and let them play.

Last week, a mother WALKED ON THE FIELD to her son, who was having one mutha of a tantrum and held his hand to walk him from first to second base. We were like WTH?!?!

Just My Type said...

*Little disclaimer here please... We actually live in Wan Biego and this team wasn't actually from Wan Biego...right?! They were "just pretending"? We have our own fair share of parents like this and don't need any extra!

My husband (Mr. Crankypants) will enjoy this post.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

But he NEEDS the Bluetooth in order to ask Mr. Steinbrenner what ridiculous jargon he should yell out next. You didn't think he was having original thoughts, did you?

Shania said...

Piglet plays tball. Have I mentioned that they're FOUR? I had a grandparent sitting behind me at the last game ask her daughter "so it's ok to clap for all the kids right?" Daughter actually replied "NO! We only clap for our team." Gram told her to quit being an ass and she'd clap for all those little cuties. GO GRAM!

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Good Lord! Those men need to "take one for the team" and "swab a few poop decks" I think. Let the kids enjoy themselves. 1 kid in a 1000 might actually be GOOD enough. Chances are bud? Not yours. Lighten up.

Colleen said...

I would've been tempted to throw popcorn and yell stuff like, "shuttup! I can't hear the game!"
yeah, I know it doesn't make much sense, but that's what I'd do.

Susan said...

Had to check out your blog after I saw your comments on Bossy's site about buying clothes. I believe we may be soulmates. ;-)

Great blog!!!

MommyTime said...

And this is why I'm considering Tae Kwan Do for as soon as my son is old enough...

Greta said...

Sooo funny to me that douchebag is the thing that caught everyone ;)

And for those of you who love douchebags (ok, not literally...I mean the word and making fun of them), I leave you with this link.

http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com

stu said...

The same dorks have the bluetooth in their ear at a bar. How friggin' important are you that must be able to answer a call, at 11:30pm, in a bar, with a DJ, a LOUD DJ. This is why you are by yourself.

I always want to approach them and ask them when they were assimilated by the Borg.

-Stu

I will be stealing Mr. Farklepants line, it is just too good to leave alone.

Karen said...

Maybe His Douchbaggeryness will decide to take his game elsewhere after his blue tooth conversation was interjected with things like "it's just a ball!" and "chest level!"

scargosun said...

"douchebaggery"
That is possibly the best word I have heard ina LONG time.

Since I don't have kids I can tell people like those coaches where to go without fear of retribution. People should rent me to heckle overbearing little league coaches.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

My husband and I have run a travel baseball team for about 5 years in the OC. I want to write a book about all the out of control parents, but I don't think anyone would believe the things I've seen. Most recently one dad was angry when his son got thrown out of a game for football-tackling a kid from the opposing team. Really?! This is BASEBALL! Do they ever stop to question what they're teaching their kids?

jennie said...

the boy starts t ball this summer so help me God if I have to put up with THAT kind of douchbaggery.

Jennifer H said...

Douchebaggery is an excellent word. Go add it to Urban Dictionary right now.

A BlueTooth during a game? What a tool.

Wouldn't it be great if kids sports were like tennis matches, where everyone is quiet? You should start a movement for that.

Just My Type said...

Jennifer H- there is a movement like that...it's called "Shhhhhh Saturday" or "Shut-up Sunday" or something like that. A soccer league in San Diego tried it. Don't know how many tongues were bitten that day.

jarrard said...

I was on the Board of Directors at a park for a football league. A recreational league, not a professional league. So many of the Dad's (I called them Mothers, but that was only half the word) would make a$$hats of themselves. Nothing gave me pleasure like asking them to leave. And.they.did. I have a reputation of being an a$$hat myself.....

Angie said...

douchebaggery - is that like when Kevin Costner calls the ump a c@ck-sucker in Bull Durham and gets kicked out?

KEEP BELIEVING

Madge said...

the blue tooth while coaching? what an important person!!! seriously you must have been in the presence of greatness.

Nap Warden said...

Oh, the blue tooth thing is just not cool! Way to call him out:)

JoeinVegas said...

I think you should get one of those Bluetooth ear thingies, only get the Apple one to show how cool you really are ('cause those with one know), and don't hook it up to your phone or anything. Then you can walk around talking to yourself and looking important instead of just crazy.
And yes, leave the kids alone at the game and just go off to the side and walk in circles talking to yourself. It makes you seem cool, especially since you got a call rather than just wore it and didn't get a call.

Allie said...

I am now officially following you on twitter. I can't believe how excited I am about twittering, but I constantly find myself thinking...I could totally twitter about this.

insane mama said...

douchebaggery is going to come out of mouth from now on, and I won't be afraid to say it to coaches especially if that are acting all douchbaggery

standing still said...

I once wrote a blog post long ago about Mr. Bluetooth Visiting His Child's Swimming Class in a Business Suit. There is a special circle in hell these people.

stephanie said...

I would totally love to be at a game with you; we could unleash the Momzillas within on the micromanaging jackasses.

Some people make the world too hard for others. Grrr.

LaskiGal said...

Blue tooth just irritates me. I know exactly who you are and what you are like when I see that thing glued to your ear. . .

"douchebaggery"--classic!

JCK said...

I like that Mr. Farklepants.

Anonymous said...

This sounds like the game I just came from, where a 2nd grader who is playing up was berated for letting a ball get by him, the coach who yelled at the 2nd grader was not allowed to be a head coach but was allowed to be an assistant coach. I was told that I was celebrating, "being obnoxous," because my son got a hit off of one of the fastest pitchers in the league and the next inning he got another hit off of a different pitcher and then ended up stealing home. This is a child who has gotten maybe 5 hits in 14 games. Yea I am going to yell to him good job. While the other team chants/cheers as loud as they can while we are in the field. This was a game for 2nd/3rd placement in our playoffs. And to make things even worse the parents from the other team started to make accusations that the kids on my team were using profanity toward the other team. If I had even heard even the hint of this my kids would have been benched in a heartbeat just some sour grapes. I wish some people would just grow-up already.