Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

My younger sister wore a darling strapless dress to Girl-Child's preschool graduation and I lamented to Mr. Farklepants how I wished I were able to wear the same. He didn't understand why I couldn't so I explained that that style dress pushes the girls too far south on a woman my age. Not enough perk to keep things where they should be. "Can't you just wear a strapless bra with it?" he asked. After a good natured laugh at his expense because, I mean, he doesn't know.I explained some more about how no woman wears one of those unless they are forced to because it is the most uncomfortable article of clothing ever invented [that is still in use since nothing will ever beat the corset/girdle EVER which is now referred to as SPANX]. Strapless come in three sizes: Those that slip, those that strangle, and those that do both. To him I said, "It's clear you've never had to wear one of those torture devices".

Which leads me to this...I need new bras. And, God help me, how I hate shopping for them. Victoria's Secret used to make the perfect bra for me. I didn't even have to try them on after the initial first time we met and totally did it in the changing room. I could just order them online when the time came to replace them. But, just as with anything that works and is popular, and that I like they were discontinued. And I've yet to find a suitable replacement. I just make due. I'm a grown woman. I know what I like. And, contrary to what that saleslady wielding the boobie tape measure believes, I know my bra size. I'm a 34C. She insists that I'm a 32D. I insist that she is mistaken. Because TWICE I have buckled under the strain of an overzealous sales clerk and bought the 32D [apparently the cup sizes are equivilent in this scenario so don't be impressed]. Both times I ended up returning them. One of those was a Wacoal from Macys which I bought from a very large, boisterous woman who spoke with a thick Russian accent that I was too much of a wuss to disagree with. She was scary. She was like the Italian grandmother who insisted you were too thin and kept piling linguine on your plate and kept a close eye on you as you forced it down. - only this time there was nudity from the waist up and moderate humiliation- When I told this woman -who stood outside my dressing room and demanded to see it once it was on- that it seemed a bit snug; she persisted that was how it was supposed to fit. Then there I was, one day and sixty dollars later [a bra that expensive should come with its own set of tits, by the way] out running errands, my breasts trapped in my new bra, and going home as soon as possible because I COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT MY BRA AND MY DISCOMFORT -I'm pretty sure it had teeth and was eating my flesh. If you're that aware of your undergarments then they don't fit. Period. I couldn't breath. In a sitting position my ribs and internal organs were being crushed. I was probably bleeding out. I was being strangled and when I removed it I could see the outline of it. It was like I was still wearing some kind of Wonder Woman invisible bra.

My current daily bras have become exhausted what with all of the stretching and worn outed-ness. They've exceeded their shelf life. I'm adamant about my support. I even wear them to bed because I just hate it when a renegade boob gets stuck in my armpit. I mean, who doesn't? And if you don't? Do not be jealous. Because girls like me? Getting cleavage wrinkles. Should we discuss how very sexy that is? I didn't think so. Keep your perky chest to yourselves. - And I need to find a couple of hours to myself to run out and do the bra shopping. My boys are too old to come with me [and there would be all of that scarring and therapy] and Girl-Child risks blunt head trauma when I start throwing haymakers after the 750th discarded garment. It also couldn't hurt to get a little drunk first. And follow Suburbancorrespondent's advice.

49 comments:

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

"a bra that expensive should come with its own set of tits, by the way"

Bra shopping. Do it when you have cramps, a migraine, and your mother-in-law is in town. Why wreck a good day?

dorothy said...

I wish I was able to have a boob in my armpit :(

Nicole said...

Dorothy and I just checked for cleavage wrinkles but all we found were oreo crumbs =(

P.S. Original said...

Like Bill Bryson said, in one of his many books about something he'd really rather not do.... "I'd rather have anul surgery in the woods with a sharp stick"...yep, than go bra shopping. It's right up there with trying on swim suits!

Manager Mom said...

My husband actually asked me to go shopping for new everyday bras which I believe is a sign that it's way past time.

The bra lady tried to downsize me at the Lord and Taylor, but there is nothing smaller than a A in women's and I refused to go to the junior department.

Jennifer H said...

Those wayward boobs are bitches, I tell ya. And they totally ruin my stomach-sleeping. It always requires adjustment (as in moving them up from around my navel and closer to my ribcage).

Amy said...

I totally need new bras too as mine are barely holding on by strings! Maybe I can convince the husband to watch the kids one night this week so I can go out without them!! We'll see if that happens - don't hold your breath for me!!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

"...its own set of tits..." - oooh, I love that!

Thanks for the link!

Jarrard said...

I want to open a store with just bras and not the frilly crap that demoralize me before I get to the section of bras that fit me. Mine aren't lacy and Lord knows that one row of hooks runs the risk of snapping an hour after wearing it putting all small children and animals in harms way.

I could call it "Jxxx's Jugs" (but that sounds like mine would be on display there and I am here to tell you that there would not be a strategic marketing tool).

Madame Queen said...

I have to put in a good word for the Warner no-underwire bra. It has the support of underwire, but no actual underwire and is THE, most comfortable thing I've ever worn. Here's the link.

http://www.barenecessities.com/Warners-Elements-of-Bliss-Two-Ply-Wire-free-Bra_product_Warners1003_,search,.htm

JCK said...

Sitting here. All trying to be perky.

JCK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

If you find one, buy it in every color. That vast conspiracy by the cosmetic and lingerie industry to discontinue everything we ever come to love really chaps my hide.

Justin said...

I constantly hear "I need a new bra" from the wife, and usually two days later one arrives via mail from VS.

What I would like to see is a reader poll;

a) how many "Daily" bras are in your drawer
b) how many are in need of replacing

I keep on thinking I'm getting hoodwinked, but heaven forbid if I question her authority on her boobs. ;)

g said...

Oh, bras! Bras! Only in recent years have I become obsessed with beautiful bras. It's my secret pleasure, wearing beautiful lingerie under everyday apparel.

I used to be a no-underwire no lace gal, but now I've totally switched - give me an underwire demi-balcon bra in fuchsia lace!!!

I buy online and I buy the same brands if I can, because I know my size. I like Felina, and Wacoal.

But if I can find 'em on sale, I LO-O-o-o-v-v-v-e buying the French brands - I have a pink Lejaby bra beautiful enough to die for!! also Simone Perele is a great brand, and La Perla.

Panites? Not so much. I don't mind spending $40 on a bra, but $18 on panties? No way. so the panties are plain Vickie's Secret bikinis in black, nude, or pink.

the only problem with lacy net bras is keeping the Men in my house from throwing them in the washer and drier with the regular clothes - it's hell on lace and net. Need to be pro-active with the lingerie laundry.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I just went bra shopping for the first time in three years (amazing how long those suckers will last if you've stopped caring that you are tripping on your boobs). For some reason, I fell off the crazy train and took the Toddler in the fitting room with me. Along came her brand new Donald Duck stuffed animal. Poor Donald not only got an eyeful, the Toddler made him get all dressed up in various bras. He's a 34DD, by the way.

Pamela said...

This is going to sound completely bizarre, BUT hang in there with me. The best bra I have ever worn (and continue to wear) is Motherhood Maternity's nursing bras. Even if you are not nursing. The Girls remain hoisted at an appropriate altitude, and the shoulder straps are super comfy. The sales people are the nicest living beings around, I think they kind of have to be, working with pregnant and postpartum crazies all the dang time, and they measure and they are good measurers. The bras aren't super sexy, but they are super functional.

That is my two cents.

I was reading comments on Bossy and had a laugh, so I came over. Have a nice day, and good luck bra shopping!

Anonymous said...

You really need to go to Nordstroms and get one of those women that has been ther like forever to get fitted correctly. They do know their stuff and if you want the girls up where they used to be try the Le Mystere T-shirt bra. I do like Wacoal too but mine doesn't hurt! And I love them Spanz - wear them everyday

Allie said...

I'm beginning to notice my girls are getting less than perky. Sad. Aging and gravity are a bitch.

OHmommy said...

I love my Wacoal... go back and get it in your size.

You can also find them on ebay often.

I hate bra shopping. HATE.

Ann said...

Don't even get me started. DESPISE bra shopping, almost as much as I do centipedes. I have a small torso - I need a 32-inch strap, but then I have C knockers. I don't want these - I always just wanted As or Bs, baby boobs. Titticles. But no.

Sucks to find a 32C that actually works. Think I'm now wearing VS body by Victoria, seamless - which is awesome for about 4-6 months. Then, cup-STRETCH - and very little liftage. And the rage sets in - can someone please tell me - do bras seriously ONLY lift for 6 months? IF so, the boob market is a serious racket. Finis.

scargosun said...

I will never find the perfect bra b/c if I do, we will go bankrupt because I will buy 50 of them.

Cheaper in Baht said...

God Bless T J MAXX.

$30 department store bra's for $5.00. I used to be a die hard VS girl, but TJ has taken care of my ta ta's for some time now.

Melissa said...

LOL! Boob in the armpit...it's more like boob falling out of the neck hole!!

Bra shopping is the bane of my existence.

Undomestic Diva said...

See. This is exactly why I very seldom wear a bra.

I, too, loathe shopping for bras and only buy ones that are comfortable which is the same as saying, soooo not the right size and therefore, pretty much useless as far as support.

A Mom Two Boys said...

Dude.

Is it sad that I'm still wearing nursing bras (even though I finished breastfeeding 2 weeks ago) because I just CAN'T bring myself to go shop for new bras. New bras that fit saggy, droopy, super non-perky boobs...

Excuse me while I go make a gin & tonic...hold the tonic.

San Diego Momma said...

I'm all Le Mystere now. They are expensive -- $60-ish (but I've found some at Marshalls for a lot less) and last a LONG time and seriously, without intending to, I look like a '50s pinup model in one. But do not wear one with a pencil skirt and snug turtleneck sweater unless you want to get pregnant again.

Patty said...

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/intimates/bras/underwirebras/PRD~119717/Vanity+Fair+Body+Sleeks+Bra.jsp

These bras are great, comfortable, inexpensive, come in several colors, and...keep boobs out of armpits and away from belly buttons. I'm a 34C too (heading back toward a B).

I just wrote a post about old lady cleavage (wrinkles) the other week. That is just NOT funny. I had to take the picture down because I couldn't stand looking at it.

Marmarbug said...

Sooo I kind of bought my boobs over a year ago. Bfing killed what little I had. So I love to bra shop now! And I can wear most strapless dresses without a bra since the girls hold them up nicely. Also, I was smart when I bought them and did not get a lift since that is an obvious move. So my boobs look like a teenagers boobs!!!!
Okay I am going to hide so no one tries to hit me!

Nap Warden said...

Aack! I hate bra shopping:P I must admit, I just checked...no cleavage, which means no cleavage wrinkles;)

That Chick Over There said...

Strapless bras are BULLSHIT.

Okay, they are for me. I have huge boobies.

Jill said...

A good bra will ... lift and hold, separate and mold.

I swear by my Wacoals...they keep the twins in check.

Jessie said...

I hate bra shopping. Being a 32A sucks because guess what, padded bras in a 32A are few and far between. And let's be honest, who needs a padded bra more than a 32A. What's the Lord's forgotten, stuff with cotton.

THE MOM BOMB said...

Bra shopping bites. But I'm thinking swimsuit shopping is worse. Whoever said high-cut legs make thighs look slimmer obviously never saw my two Virginia hams.

Swirl Girl said...

I love the Ipex bra from v.secrets. It comes in demi or full cup and I do wear one #size larger than in other brands. (38C not 36C). I also like that it has a lining so you can wear white Tshirts and no-one mistakes your nipples for the coat hooks.

www.swirlgirlspearls.blogspot.com

MommyTime said...

Don't you HATE it when they don't carry the size you are (or worse, don't make it, 32C-hating bastards) and then they just try to tricky-measure you to convince you to buy some other size? Makes me nuts. I am NOT a 36 anything, no matter how many times they want to add 5" to their measurements.

Also? That dumb-ass formula doesn't always work. If the band rides up in the back, it's probably too big. Ditto for straps that won't stay up despite being as short as they can be: band too big.

Done with tirade now. And now I have to go spend an hour trying on all the bras I own in 48 different sizes due to the growth/shrinkage of pregnancy + nursing to figure out if I have any that actually fit anymore. Thanks for reminding me...

Your Pal Pinki said...

Last year Hubby went with me bra shopping and we were having a great time. He picked out all kinds of cute ones, lacy ones and colorful ones. It was exciting! I got them home and went to model them and couldn't fasten the first one. WTH? And the cups, I flowedeth over, and not in a sexy way. I looked at the size and it was not my size. Out of 8 bras, only 2 of them were the right size. In our excitement, we forgot to check sizes on the bras and were looking at the sizes on the hangers, which were wrong. It was still fun!

laughingatchaos said...

You know, I'd really love to have the problem of over-boobage. ;) I could probably go without...it's so sad. Some women (my mom, for instance), have kids and get to keep their bodacious ta-tas. I, however, had kids and my ta-tas shriveled up like little raisins. Makes small children cry. ;) My bras are on their last straps and I need to go get new ones. Please share if you find a miracle. Otherwise I'll have to go to Nordstroms and get measured by the tit lady. And she scares me. ;)

Mrs. G. said...

If you want substantial coverage and life-Le Mystere. They are expensive, but they are worth it. Bras are almost as important as hair.

g said...

Find out your real size and then go online. Figleaves.com or barenecessities.com. Shop brands you like, and you're golden.

I like Wacoal - looks like others here do too. It's a great brand.

and DO check out Simone Perele. Their stuff is fantastic, fits great and is classy and goregous and FRENCH, whether you want sexy lace or sports bras.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Justin~ Ask yourself this: How many daily pairs of briefs/boxers are in your drawer? Daily bras get used just as often.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Even for us "less endowed" the quest for the perfect fit is endless, expensive and full of torture. I don't need some high school salesgirl's advice that I'm a B cup when I'm an A, so I hear ya, Tootsie.

Karen said...

I'm on a mission to find a good bra once again myself. For some reason all mine went kaput at the same time. Every day I bring a new one home from town only to return it the next time I'm there. Is there a custom bra maker that's reasonably priced? Is that too much to ask?

Bonnie the Boss said...

That was enjoyably funny!!! Thanks. We all feel your pain. Having to explain it to the hubby never works. They just aren't built to understand. That is why we all blog. Other women understand.

Angela Williams Duea said...

Ugghhh...strapless bras. I was shopping with my teens (we all needed one) and I was seriously looking for one with a tag that said, "This bra will make your boobs feel like they're in Tahiti." I would buy a case of them.

What I hate about bra shopping is the one you buy after trying on 50 of them, and it feels relatively OK until you have to wear it all day. Then you stuff it in a drawer and never wear it again.

Colleen said...

Justin just missed out on getting a beat-down. Thank goodness for his disclaimer at the end. He failed to mention that the reason it seems I have so many bras is because his youngest child sucked all the breast tissue out of them and now I have to replace all my bitty B bras with nearly-non-existent A's. It's torturous and upsetting, so I try on the bras in the privacy of my own home because I refuse to cry like that in public.
Ahem.
and I've never had a boob fall into my armpit. Ever. Even when they were C's because then they were like stiff little milk torpedoes.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I'm sort of repeating myself froma related post, but I fully believe that bra manufacturers do not want you to keep buying the same style. Why? Because you save money by only purchasing the ones you need. You spend much more on the trial and error approach when they change it up.

Minnesota Matron said...

The Matron cannot even read this post after noting "34C", having 12-year old acorns nubs, herself (post babies).

Donna-Michele said...

Ok, here goes, and trust me...this is not one-up-woman-ship. I'd love to be tiny, I can't even remember the last time I was...top or bottom.

Anyway... I had a baby in April who died a few hours after birth... after two months of getting the milk to dry... (kinda like a giraffe with a sore throat) I am the same size I was before I got pregnant...36 or 38 FF or G... depending on the builder... yes, builder, when you get up into my range, you have to go to a special shop (Sylene's of Chevy Chase, MD or online is great) or to a good Nordstorm to buy bras.

The saleswoman is always an A, and asks several times if I am sure... then assures me that I don’t look that large.. Oh, ok, I feel better, nope. I have half a breast under each arm all the time, and when they slip while in bed, it can/ has cause bruises. Jogging is OUT, period.

Before someone out there... like so many others, write to ask why I don't have a reduction... well, my butt is about even with my top, so then I would be uneven... besides, I still hope to have a child or children, and maybe after nursing... well, a lift on what is left... a girl can hope, can't she?

I have been searching the internet for a bra I saw in a magazine.. some actress who designed a bra that doesn’t dig into you, and doesn’t show a bra-line across back-fat. Although maybe I am the only girl on here with that issue?

Anyway, thanks for the laugh... you are a delight, and for the reminder that it is time for me to get some fresh ones too.