Wednesday, June 4, 2008

No Underwear were Harmed in the Creation of this Post


Friday was the ceremony to honor volunteers at the boys elementary school. It was held on the playground to accommodate the ONE THOUSAND students who attend and their parents. The parents who volunteer their time in the classrooms, which, is a lot of damn parents. Of course I was there for the recognition for the one day a month that I volunteer because I'm all about LOOK AT ME! Out of the sea of small heads I managed to spot Boy-Child#2 and he and I made eye contact, confirmed by a wave of hands and kisses blown through the air. I spied Boy-Child#1 and his sixth grade class file in to their designated spot and threw my hands up in the air and shook them all about like an idiot but he didn't see me. In fact, he never saw me. As far as he knew, I wasn't there. At the end of the ceremony when the sixth graders presented the volunteers and/or their own parents with paper flowers they had made, all of those that I received were from someone else's kids. And when Boy-Child#1 found out later that I WAS there he felt a little like that something that you try to scrape off the bottom of your shoe. He was all kinds of sad and feeling guilty; so worried that he'd hurt my feelings. Which he didn't but I was unsuccessful in convincing him. Poor kiddo.

I mentioned that this ceremony was held outdoors. No shade. The hot California sun melting the left hand side of my body frying my ear its mission was to destroy me. I even removed my watch to avoid tan lines. But more importantly, silk was a poor choice for blouse fabric. It isn't exactly skilled in the art of concealing sweat stains. In fact, it enhances them. Silk can be a real jerk. Luckily I had my enormous paper flowers to hide the offensive boob sweat that was accumulating. I guess I should just be thankful that my pants were not the same material. Because who wants to look at ass-crack sweat? And don't act like that doesn't happen to you.

40 comments:

Kalynne Pudner said...

Hm, yeah. I do believe your left side is tanner than your right in that picture.

Madame Queen said...

Actually, I live in fear of ass crack sweat. I never really knew such a thing existed but I work with a man who has a perpetual sweat stain on his butt crack and it grosses me out beyond belief.

The important question here, though, is where did you get that gorgeous silk shirt?

HRH said...

Why didn't you wear silk pants? I mean really?

That is the worst. I remember my husband's graduation was in S. Cal. in June OUTSIDE and I nearly died. Died of heat. Of course I was wearing a nice rayon jumper with big straw hat (give me a break here--it was 1994 and I was HOT on so many levels). BUT I did notice that the poor people wearing BLACK robes were in a slightly worse situation. Come to think of it those robes did camoflauge the butt crack sweat.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I'm glad you had fun--we were at the same elementary school for 16 years. I think I was totally over the ceremony by year 10.

Marmarbug said...

Ack boob sweat sucks. I always feel like I am the only one who gets it though!

calicobebop said...

I'll bet you rocked the boob sweat and all the other mom's were like "damn, why didn't I wear something that draws attention to my breasts!" :)

g said...

Jr. High Graduation ceremony on the football field....High School Graduation ceremony on the football field.....serious heat-stroke opportunities!!!

I had to attend a UCLA graduation ceremony last year, and phew - I can only feel sorry for all the grads in their robes. Not to mention the profs - they have real wool robes, not the flimsy rental ones. they must be roasting!

But they never get paper flowerws, so you lucked out!

1blueshi1 said...

ass cracks can sweat? what is this vicious rumor you perpetrate? hehehe
as for boob sweat, the enormity and engineering of my massive undergarments prevent such from ever reaching my outer garments. such is one's boob life as a 42DD. don't you feel sorry for me? wait, are you....LAUGHING???!!!

A Mom Two Boys said...

Ahhh...there's nothing like a post about ass crack sweat to start off my day! :0)

Those flowers are too cute, and you are seriously one HAWT mama.

The Girl Next Door said...

Yet another vidication in my life - so good to know I'm not the only one who sweats in unmentionable places. I admit I never had boob sweat before last year - but then I never had boobs before last year. I'll happily take the bad with the good in this case.

Tanja said...

LOL-boob sweat...good thing for the flowers!

Allie said...

I hate boob sweat, it's the worst. At least the weather is nice there. Here it is raining, then snowing, wind blowing, and then some more rain.

barbra said...

I see you're still holding the flowers strategically for the photo...

Too bad they didn't have the ceremony in the morning. You would have needed a sweater for the "June Gloom!"

Aunt Becky said...

Heheheh.

"ass crack sweat"

Hehehehe.

You're funny.

scargosun said...

I LOVE the blouse though! What I can see of it. Ass sweat BLOWS. It is probably the most uncomfortable kind of sweat.

Madge said...

i don't understand. silk? what is this thing called silk?

OHmommy said...

Awesome.

So flipping funny. Seriously.

JoeinVegas said...

At least you got some well deserved recognition.

Ann said...

I wonder if ass crack sweat happens to people at/around the North and South Pole - bc I would NOT want to explain it to them.

standing still said...

Tootsie, you've finally mentioned the ass crack sweat, but what about the bikini-wax-zone sweat? in khakis? niiiiicce.

Undomestic Diva said...

At least your kids wanted you there. I help out my 5 yr olds Pre-K class from time to time and every time I'm there, he does his best to avoid me. He's embarrassed. At the age of 5. I stand no chance of meeting future girlfriends. Is it because I sing bad 80s songs every morning at the top of my lungs? Because I squish his TUSHY every chance I get?

I don't get it.

EatPlayLove said...

Holy Gondoly, the school isn't really that big?! Sweat, love when it creeps up and attacks you in public. You obviously handled it well. Great Job Tootsie!

Jennifer H said...

I thought about wearing a silk top today, but didn't because of you. Well, and boob sweat.

You saved me. I owe you.

Backpacking Dad said...

Is that what "farklepants" is? Ass-crack sweat-revealing pants?

Cheri said...

Cute top, boob sweat or not. And you are a hottie, not from the sun either.

San Diego Momma said...

Ha! Did you see that Kathy Griffin bit where she talked about having an important meeting and to avoid the butt sweat, she packed her crack with paper towels, and on her way out to her car after the meeting realized her crack was no longer packed? She thinks the butt towels escaped somewhere in the office where she had the meeting.

Deb
sandiegomomma.com

Good & Crazy said...

Yes. I'm laughing.

I love that the big 6th grade boy was upset about missing his kids.

And the other day I really wanted to use the word ass. I didn't dare. As in cheap-ass.

You make me brave.

Good & Crazy said...

whoops. Missing his MOM, I meant mom, didn't mean to infer anything creepy there... so sorry.

Tranny Head said...

Under boob sweat is hawt. So is back-of-knee sweat.

The arse-crack sweat, though, is another thing entirely. Especially when combined with a hoochie mama whose thong is sticking out of the back of her jeans as she sits down and her sweaty arse crack is exposed for all of us.

Now wasn't that a lovely mental image?

Sue said...

THanks for making me laugh out loud! Ass sweat blows almost as bad as under boob sweat. When did I get so old? I don't remember these problems when I was 10!

Don Mills Diva said...

No one. I repeat no one, wants to see ass crack sweat.

BTW I have some bling for you over at my place...

myra said...

forget the sweat. i am totally impressed by what a sensitive and amazing kid you're raising. congrats on that.

Minnesota Matron said...

Ha. The Matron? Her underwear status belies the name. Never wears it. For decades.

Karen said...

Thank goodness it doesn't happen to me. That's why I live in a climate that kills the garden with frost AFTER Memorial Day.

Jozet at Halushki said...

omg...I so totally rock the ass sweat.

Okay, not really.

I can't even believe I just typed that.

Nice flowers, lady. :-)

Jason said...

Whut?

A whole ceremony to recognize all of the thousands of parent volunteers?

Just about 5 miles across town, Tootsie, we have less than 5 parent volunteers in the entire school.

What a dichotomy that exists in our lovely city!

Saucy said...

I get the drip between "the twins" and it's HELL. Just nasty.

JCK said...

No silk here. Now if we're talking about fishnets...that's another story.

Loved the paper flowers!

Allison said...

i'm just so glad to hear it happens to someone else other than me! ;)

calvin klein mens underwear said...

Im glad you had a good time!
Your post made my day, i really enjoyed it!

Cheers,
Dianna